Fixed

So I managed to fix the crew up I had in the last post. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. I just had to read an article and summarize it and have it in my professor's mailbox before 10:30 the next day. It is all going to be ok. I am not going to fail that class. In fact I may get a very good grade. That is what I am hoping for though I am not expecting better than a B.

So today I had class from 9:15 till 10:20. Now I am chilling and getting ready to go meet Garret at the snack bar for lunch. Then it is class 12:30 to 2:00 then work from 3 to 9. Then I can come home maybe do some homework, have ham and potatoes and relax with Garret till bed.

My biggest concern right now is the second interview I have to do for my methods class. I decided to interview my mom so I sent her the poem and some questions on it in an email. Now I am just waiting for her response. I sent it yesterday. I called her and told her I emailed her. I left a message on her facebook about it. She still hasn't responded. It is due tomorrow. I need to email me back so I can do a write up of the interview to turn in at 1:40 tomorrow. I should have emailed her sooner. I didn't think it would take her this long to respond. I will call her later today I think and remind her again. If I can have it by 10 am tomorrow I will be all set. Otherwise I may have to get in contact with my professor and see about getting an extension. Or I will have to interview someone else. Maybe I will send the same thing I sent mom to my step-mom Kelly and then whoever responds first will be the interviewee.

So here is what is left for the semester:
Thursday-
Turn in a creative piece and an interview about poem for poetry project

Friday-
Lead class discussion on Mansfield Park in 18th Century Lit
Finish The Rainbow for Sense of Place
Work

Saturday and Sunday-
Work

Monday-
Have the critical essays on Mansfield Park read

Tuesday-
NCTE Inbox Response due
Poetry Writing Portfolio (this includes the final draft of my book review) due
Poem submissions due

Wednesday-
Give Symposium Day Presentation

Thursday-
Poems everyday response due

Friday-
3rd paper for 18th Century Lit due
Readings for Sense of Place due
Work

Saturday and Sunday-
Work

Monday-
FINALS WEEK
Spend time working on paper for Sense of Place
Some time by the end of this week I need to memorize my poem and recite it

Tuesday-
Methods class is probably meeting
Poetry project reflection is due

Wednesday-
Final exam for 18th Century Lit
Final paper for Sense of Place due
Probably work

SEMESTER IS OVER!!

Screw Up

Would you like to live the next 2-3 weeks for me while I just not move? I don't want to go to class, I don't want to do homework, I don't want to think about the two papers, the portfolio, the project and the test I have coming up. I don't want to go to work. I don't want them to call me while I am in class anymore or any other time for that matter. They do it often. I don't want to be stressed or tired or worried or busy or think about any of this any more.

I just found out in class today that I am not on top of things the way i think I am. Trust me that isn't anything new. I always feel like there is something I forgot to do. I felt that way last night and I was right. I found out that I was supposed to write 5 article summaries for my English class and I only wrote 4 and today was the last day that you could hand one in. Yeah. I started writing them as soon as I found out they would be required and I thought I would have them done early and now I find out that I am behind which is what I was trying to avoid. Fuck my life. I wrote the professor an email so hopefully I can still fix this mess I have put myself in because he knows I am a good student and I have been doing one for every reading we have been assigned to do one expect for the last 3 cause I thought I had fulfilled my requirement. And now I have fucked up.

So fix this mess hopefully, do the reading for my night class tomorrow, do the reading for Wednesday, work Wednesday, create a creative piece for my poetry project due Thursday, do an interview for my poetry project due Thursday, do the readings for Friday, work Friday, work Saturday, work Sunday, do the readings for Monday, do the NCTE inbox response for Tuesday, do the portfolio due Tuesday, give the symposium presentation Wednesday, do the readings for Wednesday, do my poetry project response due Thursday, do the readings for Friday, do the essay due Friday, work Friday, work Saturday, work Sunday, and then it is finals week. I have a paper due Wednesday and a test that day. Then I have to attend class on Tuesday I believe and then I think the semester will be over. I just want this to all be done. Just done.

Back to School

Good Morning. Vacation is over and it is back to school for me. Not sure if the break from classes everyday helped or not. I know I didn't get much sleep Friday night, or Saturday night so Garret had me to go to bed at like 11 or 11:30 last night. Not sure if it helped or not. I am still pretty tired.

2 more weeks and then finals and then I can lay down on my couch and not move. There will be no homework and when I have a day off from work I can sleep all day if I want to.

Yeah... just a little less than 3 weeks.

Vacation: Enjoyable or Stressful?

I haven't posted anything in a while. Lets see... well life is good. I have been enjoying my vacation so far. The one downside is that I am slowly filling up my down time from work with hang outs with friends. That probably isn't good cause I have a 300 page book to have read by the Monday we go back to school. I am trying to relax about that and just enjoy not having school or even more homework than that. I read my novel in verse before vacation so no need to worry there. I have no idea how much I am supposed to have read in the Rainbow for Misty's class but that won't be due until Wednesday so I have some time to do that during the week. Tuesday though I have my novels in verse project due. I forgot about that. I thought it was the NCTE inbox response. I will have to try and have Mansfield park done by Sunday then I can send Sunday night working on that. I bet that is a reasonable goal. It is another 150 pages. And I have today, tomorrow and Saturday. That isn't too bad actually. Ok, stressful moment avoided. Now I am going to go get some lunch and enjoy the sunshine.

Zen

So I have been a little over board with the exhaustion lately. I am feeling a little better today. A little anyway. Mostly I am stressing because I find I am having a harder time keeping on top of things I think. But it is all gonna be ok. I screwed up one assignment for my Sense of Place class very badly but it will all be ok. I am not going to freak out about it anymore. The only thing I can do is keep doing what I am doing. Do my homework as much at a time as I can and then spend the rest of the time relaxing, sleeping and eating. I can only try to have fun and enjoy the last few weeks until school is out. Summer will be here soon and then all I will have to worry about will be work and hanging out with Garret and all of my lovely friends. That isn't far away now.

Just need to take some deep breaths and do more for myself over the next few days so that I don't feel like I am going to explode. I just need to relax. I have vacation coming up. I can spend that time relaxing and getting work done and trying not to stress out too much when I don't get nearly as much done as I would like too cause I will only have 3 days off from work and at least one of them will be spent at the dentist. I need to remember that i am human and sometimes it is ok that I can't do everything I feel I should be able to do.

OK, I am now going to go and try to fulfill this quality of zen I feel I have found.

No More

It is Monday night and I should be doing homework for Wednesday. I managed to get the work for my 18th century British Literature class done but I keep trying to read this novel for Sense of Place and not getting far. I just don't want to do it. I would rather go to bed and not do it at all. I would also very much like to skip both of my classes tomorrow.

Vacation starts Monday and it could not get here any sooner. Vacation is not going to be fun though. I will be working still and I have a dentist appointment. Not to mention my ungodly work habits won't let me fall too far behind so I will probably be doing reading for school and working on projects that will be due after vacation.

I am not happy about that. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go to class, or do the reading or get out of bed or get dressed. I very much want to lay in bed all day with Garret and do nothing. I don't want to look at another homework assignment ever again. Not ever.

I was so ahead but then I didn't do much homework Sunday and then today I had to be at the health center and the library and go grocery shopping and I finished that other assignment and now I have no energy left for anything else.

Nothing is ever easy and with the end in sight I really just want to slack off.

Audrey Hepburn on Being Beautiful

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in
others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise,
walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. - Audrey Hepburn

No Time to Worry

So my body hates me. First it makes my stomach hurt for 3-4 weeks. Then I get a bladder infection. Then I find out that I have H-Pylori and the meds for that make me feel like crap. And then I start my period. Lovely, just really lovely. Part of it is really my fault of course. I mean, I did wait almost a whole month to get my stomach pains checked put but still. I would like a little bit of slack.

Maybe this is just its way of being subtle about reminding me I should be taking better care of it. I mean I don't exercise like I should, I don't eat as healthy as I should, I eat too much chocolate and I don't do the knee exercises like I should. No wonder it hates me. I am just really busy. I always have homework or work or something going on. I wish life was easier.

I know I shouldn't wish life was easier because I had no reason to think it would be easy or ever get any easier. After all I have seen my parents struggle all the time. It makes me angry though. Angry that I can't do anything to make it easier. If I cut back on working then I won't have as much money and in the long run I will owe a ton more money on my loans. If I drop a class I will have to pick another one up somewhere. If I don't do my homework I will fall behind. If I skip class then my grades will go down. If I don't clean the apartment it won't get done. If I don't eat, I'll starve. Between what I have to do to stay alive, what I need to do for school and the hours I need to work to pay my bills I have no time to do anything except take 15 minutes out of my day to complain here about how hard it is.

And I realize a lot of people have it harder but oh my god for once I want someone to believe me when I say it isn't easy. The only way I can do this is to tell myself there is no other option. To say this will happen and that is it. I can't doubt because when I start to doubt I start to worry and I don't have time to worry.

This is what it takes to make my dreams come true.

Better

I am in class again and bored so I thought I would update this quickly. We are sharing poems. They are pretty.

I am feeling better and have been the last couple of days. No more wanting to throw up and the stomach pains have gotten better. I also feel less tired. My mouth still tastes bad though. Nothing makes it go away. It gets better when I keep the water to me and when I eat but the rest of the time its gross.

I called work yesterday and I go back tomorrow. Not sure if I should be excited or not. I could get used to not having to work, to having time for fun. I kind of got the break I needed but I'm not sure it was enough. I think I may still need more. But at least vacation s a week closer now and summer will be here about 2 weeks after that.

Soon enough there will be a break one way or another.

Aren't Meds Supposed to Make You Feel Better, Not Worse?

It is Friday and the meds I am on for the h pylori suck. They are making me feel worse. My stomach still hurts and now I feel nausous, I have a headache, I have diarrhea, I'm tired and my mouth tastes like I left a penny it for too long. And nothing helps. Water, brusing my teeth, gum, nothing. Food helps a little but who wants to eat when they feel like they are going to throw it up all over themselves?

To top it all off I called the Health Center yesterday and they didn't know the results of my culture yet and they were supposed to call me back. But they never did. Also, I have to go to classes and work today. I called out of work Wednesday which means that so far this week I have worked Sunday and I honestly can't afford to do that. So I am going into work tonight. I didn't go to my second class Wednesday but today I have to cause I know I will fall behind if I miss more than one day in a row plus I need to turn in papers for both classes. So I have to do that too.

Oh and did I mention work called me last night? Yeah, Mandy called me and asked me to work her Saturday night closing shift. I said no. I told her I have h pylori and the meds for it make me feel like shit and that I was counting on the weekend to rest and try to not feel like shit. Then she asked if I was still coming in Friday and I had to explain to her that I couldn't afford not to. I swear to God, I hate that place. The one time I get a Saturday off. This do this to me a lot. I think I have a day off but I don't. Rawr. I hate being a good employee. I really shouldn't be going anywhere.