Day # 1 My Best Friend

Dear Alice,

Yeah, after all this time you are still my best friend. We don't talk as much as I would like and we see each other maybe a few times a year but for some reason that doesn't matter. Whenever we get back together we pick up right where we left off. We can still finish each other's thoughts. we an still make each other laugh until we cry. And we can still talk all day and night long without being bored. Most important though is that there have been no times in our lives when we haven't been there for each other. Ever since 8th grade at Chelsea school we have been friends. We have supported and loved each other. Even when we didn't agree or like the choices the other was making.

You were there at the football game when I first realized something was wrong with my relationship with Isaac. And I was there when your last boyfriend was showing all the signs of being a jerk. I am here now too. I wish I could tell you that I worry about you and why.

I worry because you dropped out of school. I know it was expensive and you couldn't afford vet school. There had to be some way you could have continued going though. I worry because of Jeremy. I know you trust him but I don't. He has proven in every past relationship that he can't be trusted and that makes me worry about you, about your heart. I worry about your future. I hope you will not be stuck working at AC More and place like it your whole life. I want you to fulfill your dream of being a vet. I know it seems unrealistic but it only becomes more unrealistic the more you put off working towards it. I want you to be with a boy that gives you no reason to worry, who takes away all of your worries. I want you to have a job you love, a man you love and a life you love.

You seem to be so angry and frustrated when we talk. I wish you could see that the stupid girls, and their drama would go away if you let the cause of the drama go. Jeremy is the reason all that drama is in your life. I know you can do better. I know you deserve better. I wish he could be the man you think he can be but I just don't see it. And the proof is in front of your eyes. It is why those girls lurk around waiting for you two to end so they can sweep in.

I love you Alice Casey. You are my best friend. I hope someday you find everything you are looking for.

Love,
Dani

30 Day Challenge

Alright, so because I haven't been good about keeping this updated about my life I am going to try this writing exercise. I have to write a letter, one a day for 30 days. The letters are to the people below. Hopefully this goes ok. Wish me luck!

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I Didn't Sleep Well

I didn't sleep very well last night or the night before. Its strange how my body seems to know when he is and isn't there. One more night of restless sleep and then he will be home.

(The rollover text for the comic is "Sweet unintersecting dreams!)

Made Me Smile

Tough girls come from Georgia, Sweet girls come from Alabama. But We Maine girls have fire & ice in our blood. We can ride four wheelers, be a princess, throw left hooks and drink with the boys..and if we have an opinion, you know you're gonna hear it!! Repost if you are a true Maine girl!

The Good Things in Life

Facebook and blogger seem to be filled with lists of all the good things in people's lives. I am obviously not the only person who has been focused on the bad in life. I think now that I have gotten some good news I am finally ready for a change in perspective, too see all the good things too.

1) It went away. Whatever was wrong with my body that caused me to have to go to the doctor's so much last month is gone. It made me miserable but my body fought it off and now it is gone. I am lucky it is gone even if I had to go back to the doctors and make calls for so long. There are other people not as lucky as me.

2) I have a job. I may complain about Staples a lot because some of the people who shop there are mean but I have a job and not just a job. I have a job where there are people who care about my health and safety. Where people know I always do my best so when I start needing help they are more than willing to give me that help.

3) I have an apartment and it is all my own. I only have to share it with the people I want to share it with.

4) I have an amazing boyfriend. I don't think I could ever tell him enough how thankful I am to have him around.

5) I have the best kitty ever. She is sweet and gentle.

6) I have a really good family. Sometimes they annoy me they care about me so much.

7) I love my school. I love the University of Maine in Farmington. I love the professors, most of the people in those classes, I love what I am learning, I love the atmosphere of the campus. I could easily imagine myself living here in a more permanent way at some point in my life.

8) Not only do I love the school but I also love the town. I love that even though there is a Walmart and a Hannaford here it still manages to feel very small town to me. I love how safe it feels here and how nice everyone is. I love the sights and sounds.

9) I have food. There are a lot of people in the world who are struggling while I have plenty. I am thankful to be able to feed and clothe myself.

10) I found this amazing series of books to read to keep me occupied this summer. I am thankful to not feel as bored, lonely and depressed as last summer.

11) Steve. I am realizing more and more lately how much he really is like family. I owe him a lot.

12) Mel. Not only has reading kept me occupied this summer but so has Mel. It is good to have a real friend near by to talk to and hang out with. Pretty sure I would have gone crazy without her.

13) I am very thankful to have health insurance even if it is a pain in my butt more often than not. I would not be able to pay for all the medical bills I have probably racked up otherwise.

14) Barnes and Nobel online discounts and sales for helping me find deals on my books. You gotta celebrate the little things sometimes.

15) the ability to read and write. They are my escapes from everything and without them I would not be me.

So Happy

Good News?

After everything that has been happening with my body the past few weeks I think I have some good news. I went to see the OB/GYN today. First, he took a look with one of those scope things they stick inside of you. That hurts. Then he did an ultra sound with this big rod thing that they put right inside your vagina so they can see everything. Everything looked normal and nothing hurt. Then he did an exam to see if it hurt to move my cervix and it didn't. At all. He said everything looked normal and gave me a clean bill of health. He said it is possible there was something there but it is gone now. He thinks that I may have had a sist on one of my overaies and that it has dissolved away now. If I have any more pain though, I am to call and make another appointment. I think this is good news. I think this means everything is ok. I think I have nothing to worry about in that area anymore. I think now all I need to worry about is my stomach. After everything that has been going on this feels kind of anti-climatic.

Complaining

Does anyone other than Garret actually read this thing? I feel like if they do then they must be very disappointed that it is a lot of me whining about being sick. I suppose that is natural since this is an outlet for my mind and my writing and the being sick thing is kind of a big thing right now but my God. It just seems like I have yet to find a way out of my own head and worries. I am still in that mode where I just want to grab someone and shake them and yell at them, "Hey, My stomach hurts and I have a crappy doctor who has failed to do anything about for almost two months now. Want to trade places?"

Passion

From, "Daphne with Her Thighs in Bark"

the opposite of passion
is not virtue
but routine.


~Eavan Boland~

What do I do?

So my stomach hurts, a lot. My doctor only has me on the Amoxicilin and Omeprazole and not the other anibiotic last time because it made me sick the last time I took it. Not sure then if this will work to get rid of the H Pylori or not. Not sure what to do. I feel like this whole medical help thing has been very badly done. Mean while I am losing hours at work, making my family, friends and co-workers worry and feeling like crap all around. Not to mention my original problems seem to be getting worse. I am so confused now that I don't know what to do. Do I wait till next week to see the doctor I am scheduled to see? Do I go to the emergency room and demand help now? Do i call my doctor's office up and yell at them? I wish I knew what was best for me and my body. I keep trying to do the right thing so that I get better but nothing seems to help. No matter how much I sleep or how much I try to eat right my stomach still hurts, my doctors still treat me without testing me, they still put me off and they still don't call when they say they will, I keep making appointments and calling them, I keep being honest and actively trying to get help. I got nothing. I just don't know what to do anymore and no one seems to have answers. And of course, the more no one can answer me the more I wonder if something could be seriously wrong. I have been seeing doctors since the beginning of July and August will be over before I know it. I have been having symptoms since June. Something has got to change.

Wish me Luck

I probably have H Pylori again. I don't know for sure though because my doctor said she can't test me for it. So there will be drugs waiting for me to pick up at Rite Aid shortly to treat me for H Pylori. I hate that. Good news is my ultra sound came back normal so at least my body isn't so messed up that the doctors are becoming worried about what they have seen. I have a visit with a gyno in Livermore Falls on the 18th still. I just have to hold on till then. I will probably be feeling very sick for at least the next 4 or 5 days so expect emo posts from till then if there are any at all. The antibiotics they gave me last time made me miserable so I am expecting it to be no better this time.

Change

God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference!!!

-Stolen from Wendy's Facebook Status

Take That

I woke up at 8 this morning because I was told that I would be getting a call between 8 and 9 today about scheduling an ultra sound. I was not called. AT 10 am I called my doctor's office. They at first told me they knew nothing about scheduling me an ultra sound. Then I told them that a gentleman had taken my name and phone number just yesterday and told me I would be getting a call between 8 and 9 today. They looked at my paperwork again. I then found out they had scheduled my ultra sound. It was just not for today. It was for Friday at 8:30 am. When I was supposed to be at work. I then had to call out of work. My boss was more than happy to just give me the day off cause my bosses are amazing. Then I called the ob/gyn office to see if they had ever scheduled an appointment for me. They had. For August 30th. I was pissed. I have been seeing doctor after doctor and trying to get this taken care of soon because I have had this since June and now it is August and they won't even look at me till the end of the month. There was no fucking way I was going to wait that long. I immediately got out the phone book for Farmington and started looking for ob/gyns. Good news. I found one in Livermore Falls not more than 20 minutes from where I live who can see me the 18th. That is a hell of a lot sooner than the 30th. Bad news. He is a man. But at this point I don't think I care. More good news, the insurance company called and I can see a gyno no problem and they will cover it. They don't even have to pre-approve me. And the gyno in Livermore Falls takes my insurance. I then called the ob/gyn in Augusta and cancelled for the 30th. Then I called my doctor's office and told them I had decided I needed to see someone before the 30th and I had already made an appointment for the 18th to see a doctor in Livermore Falls, I then gave them the doctor's name and fax number and asked them to fax my stuff over to him. Then I called work and asked for the 18th off.

Finally I feel like I am in control of my life at least a little bit. I am not letting these doctor's push me around anymore. I am sick and tired of it. They are crazy if they think I am going to let them put me off, forget to call me, make appointments I can't make for me, not test me or treat me for shit I don't have anymore. I also think that after the school year starts up I will no longer be seeing Dr. Eckert or Sheepscot Valley. I think I will never go back there again. I will go to the Health Center on campus where they get stuff done while I am in school, I will go to the hospital here in Farmington if I need anything and when I move again I will be finding a new doctor near where I live who I like and who doesn't give me this kind of run around. And they can eat shit.

What it Feels Like

Sometimes I just look at him and it hits me. At some point in my life I stopped wanting any man but him, and I am perfectly ok with that because he is everything I could ever want.

Even when he is being dumb, he is being dumb for the right reasons.

No, we don't always agree, and we often seen things differently, but that just makes the world a whole lot more interesting.

I know I could survive without him in my life because it is who I am. But I don't want to have to.

I Hate Doctors

I think the title says it all really. I hate doctors. Here is my list of why;

1) I hate being sick. It messes up all o your plans and makes you feel utterly helpless.
2) I hate waiting rooms. I try to arrive places early so that I don't have to wait and so I will be respectful of other people's time. Doctor's are never respectful of anyone's time. Just today I spent 30 minutes in the waiting room before they even took me into the exam room.
3) They treat you for stuff before they test you. They just hand out drugs and say if it works great, if not then come back. it wastes my time and money. They could just get it right the first time and save me a lot of hassle.
4) They always seem to make you more sick before you get better. The treatment is almost not worth the being better part.
5) They ask where it hurts and then they poke you there to see how much it hurts and if it actually hurts. It hurts doc, please stop poking me?!?!
6) They always assume the worst of people. They treat you and test you for things you can't possibly have. They could save time if they just believed that I wasn't lying.
7) They always say they will call you but they never do. They just forget until you call them.
8) They are always busy so you can never get an appointment when you need one. It is always a week later.

9) The number 1 reason why I hate doctors is because right now I am sick. The problems just see to keep piling up and none of them have any answers. I am tired of the run around and the bullshit. I just want to be healthy again so I can get back to my life. I just want some one to make all the pain go away. I am tired and I feel old having to see the doctor so often. I am starting to feel like they just are trying to suck me dry. Or at least the insurance company dry. I hate this calling them, calling the insurance company, calling the doctors I get referred to, and waiting on them all to call me back. They never do. And then I end up wasting time and money and feeling worse cause I am stressing about it all.

I hate doctors.