I haven't written anything in a while. And when I have written it has been mostly sappy things. I think I need to write about other things.
I have spent a lot of time lately being angry and depressed. At the beginning of the summer I was stressed about money. Lets face it, I just got out of school and I am trying to support myself with only my part time job and a tiny bit of savings. Lucky for me my job gave me at least 30 hours a week and sometimes more. I managed to get on food stamps and that really helped. It was easier when I didn't have to worry about rent and food. I spent my summer enjoying my new love and going on adventures while using all my free time to look for a teaching job. Now the summer has come to a close and things haven't really gotten any better. In fact, they have gotten worse. The summer is over and I still don't have a teaching job. The store I was working at has closed and now I am working at a smaller store where I have to compete for hours. I'm down to 20 hours a week. It is October which means that school has started and there are fewer teaching jobs now then there were before. I had a car accident so my car insurance is going to be going up soon. In January or February I am going to have start paying on my student loans and I am barely making ends meet as it is. My options are dwindling.
I hate my job. I am going to admit right now that I feel stupid, alone and bored there. I miss teaching. I want to quit but I know that I can't quit. I need to find another job first. I know that I could probably get another retail job fairy easily but frankly I don't want to. I want to teach. I hate corporations. I hate business. I hate retail. I could move back in with my mom. I like my freedom though. I like my independence. I like being able to see my boyfriend whenever I want to. A friend offered to be my roommate but he doesn't want to live in Augusta and neither do I really. So I would need a new job first. I suppose I could transfer to another store. I don't really like that idea either. I need to do something.
The only thing I can really do is keep applying for teaching jobs. Apply for long term sub jobs and ed tech jobs. Keep going to work every day. Keep making money and paying my bills. could try to get a second retail job. There goes all of my free time though. I remember what working two retail jobs was like. I had no free time. And with Garrett leaving so far away when will I ever see him. But again, I am running out of options.
I think I need to work harder but I really don't have any motivation left. I realize that I balanced a lot more than this in college but I'm tired and I don't want to balance and work hard for what I want any more.
Now I am just sounding like I am whining. I think I will stop here before things get too pathetic.
I just don't know what to do.
2 comments:
Boy do I know how you feel. I'm so tired of trying to make my life more than it is. I've worked myself into a depression that nothing is pulling me out of. I'm tired of being alone, lonely, and feeling like no one loves me. I've forgotten what it feels like to be held while I cry myself to sleep. I feel as though I am losing myself and I don't know how to stop it
I guess what I am saying is you aren't alone in your misery, your confusion or your frustration with the way your life is going.
I love you, Sis. <3
I love you. I know that I am bad at showing it these days but I do. I know it is isn't the kind of love you want or need though. But it is here and I would hold you until you fall asleep if I could. I have had a couple of nights where I have cried myself asleep alone in my bed these last few months. And every time I have I can't help thinking two things, "For all his faults the asshole was really good at this," and "Where is Garrett, why isn't he here right now?" I never tell him though so it is partly my fault. Part of me knows that If I asked him to come hold in the night while I cried he might do it. But I know I would feel like the most selfish human being in the world if I ever asked him to drive an hour for that. So I don't.
I wish that there was someone I could offer you comfort. I wish I could remind you of who you are. The truth is though that we are both just bitterly tired. It has been so long since we have had no worries. We had a short break. But reality seems to come back with a harsh hardness to it every time.
There is nothing we can do but push on and keep telling ourselves we are not alone.
I love you too, Sis. <3
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