My friend Chucky is engaged! Yay Chucky! I am really very happy for him. I met his girlfriend once a while back and she was really a very sweet girl. The two of them have been together now for a year, maybe two? I can't remember. It is so awesome that Chucky finally found someone. In high school he was the guy who I always thought of as a little brother. He was always hanging out with me and moaning over a friend of ours. We considered giving dating a try once but in the end the idea was just a little too awkward. We are good friends and always have been. He listens to me gripe and I listen to him gripe. I see him every once in awhile and it's great fun. Chucky has always been unlucky in love. So it is nice that he is getting married.
However, I can't help but feel a little twinge of pain. An asshole really ruined the whole concept for me. He made me think that I had the person I was going to be with forever. But it was a lie. I don't know that I am capable of trusting someone that much again. I let someone all the way in. I planned a future with that person. I allowed myself to believe I would always have him to support and love me. I was wrong. I had never let myself think I would be married before. That was not something that would happen in my life. I didn't want to need someone that much.
And you know since then I find myself questioning all the time whether I believe that we all have a life partner out there. Do I really believe there is someone for everyone? Someone we will spend our entire lives with? Is it really possible to make it work the first time? Does marriage ever really work?
Just look at the relationships I have seen in my life. My mom and dad are divorced. Both of my dad's sisters have been divorced. My grandfather died shortly before I was born and my grandmother remarried about 8 years ago. My grandmother on my mother's side has 4 daughters, all with different men and I still don't know that she is married to George. My grandfather on my mother's side was married. had a girlfriend and got my grandmother knocked up at 15. What examples do I have in my life to show me that there is any possible way to spend your whole life with one person? It seems to me that there is always someone coming or going.
And I don't want that. I don't want to date forever. I don't want my heart to get broken repeatedly for another 20 years before I finally get it right. I want to meet someone who will love as I am and or who I am for the rest of my life. I want someone to take care of me when I am busy taking care of everyone else. I want someone's hand to hold when I feel like falling to pieces. I want to be able to trust someone even more completely than I trusted the asshole who broke my heart. I want what Chucky has. Faith. Love. Trust. Strength.
Will I ever have any of those things again?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
What do I do?
I haven't written anything in a while. And when I have written it has been mostly sappy things. I think I need to write about other things.
I have spent a lot of time lately being angry and depressed. At the beginning of the summer I was stressed about money. Lets face it, I just got out of school and I am trying to support myself with only my part time job and a tiny bit of savings. Lucky for me my job gave me at least 30 hours a week and sometimes more. I managed to get on food stamps and that really helped. It was easier when I didn't have to worry about rent and food. I spent my summer enjoying my new love and going on adventures while using all my free time to look for a teaching job. Now the summer has come to a close and things haven't really gotten any better. In fact, they have gotten worse. The summer is over and I still don't have a teaching job. The store I was working at has closed and now I am working at a smaller store where I have to compete for hours. I'm down to 20 hours a week. It is October which means that school has started and there are fewer teaching jobs now then there were before. I had a car accident so my car insurance is going to be going up soon. In January or February I am going to have start paying on my student loans and I am barely making ends meet as it is. My options are dwindling.
I hate my job. I am going to admit right now that I feel stupid, alone and bored there. I miss teaching. I want to quit but I know that I can't quit. I need to find another job first. I know that I could probably get another retail job fairy easily but frankly I don't want to. I want to teach. I hate corporations. I hate business. I hate retail. I could move back in with my mom. I like my freedom though. I like my independence. I like being able to see my boyfriend whenever I want to. A friend offered to be my roommate but he doesn't want to live in Augusta and neither do I really. So I would need a new job first. I suppose I could transfer to another store. I don't really like that idea either. I need to do something.
The only thing I can really do is keep applying for teaching jobs. Apply for long term sub jobs and ed tech jobs. Keep going to work every day. Keep making money and paying my bills. could try to get a second retail job. There goes all of my free time though. I remember what working two retail jobs was like. I had no free time. And with Garrett leaving so far away when will I ever see him. But again, I am running out of options.
I think I need to work harder but I really don't have any motivation left. I realize that I balanced a lot more than this in college but I'm tired and I don't want to balance and work hard for what I want any more.
Now I am just sounding like I am whining. I think I will stop here before things get too pathetic.
I just don't know what to do.
I have spent a lot of time lately being angry and depressed. At the beginning of the summer I was stressed about money. Lets face it, I just got out of school and I am trying to support myself with only my part time job and a tiny bit of savings. Lucky for me my job gave me at least 30 hours a week and sometimes more. I managed to get on food stamps and that really helped. It was easier when I didn't have to worry about rent and food. I spent my summer enjoying my new love and going on adventures while using all my free time to look for a teaching job. Now the summer has come to a close and things haven't really gotten any better. In fact, they have gotten worse. The summer is over and I still don't have a teaching job. The store I was working at has closed and now I am working at a smaller store where I have to compete for hours. I'm down to 20 hours a week. It is October which means that school has started and there are fewer teaching jobs now then there were before. I had a car accident so my car insurance is going to be going up soon. In January or February I am going to have start paying on my student loans and I am barely making ends meet as it is. My options are dwindling.
I hate my job. I am going to admit right now that I feel stupid, alone and bored there. I miss teaching. I want to quit but I know that I can't quit. I need to find another job first. I know that I could probably get another retail job fairy easily but frankly I don't want to. I want to teach. I hate corporations. I hate business. I hate retail. I could move back in with my mom. I like my freedom though. I like my independence. I like being able to see my boyfriend whenever I want to. A friend offered to be my roommate but he doesn't want to live in Augusta and neither do I really. So I would need a new job first. I suppose I could transfer to another store. I don't really like that idea either. I need to do something.
The only thing I can really do is keep applying for teaching jobs. Apply for long term sub jobs and ed tech jobs. Keep going to work every day. Keep making money and paying my bills. could try to get a second retail job. There goes all of my free time though. I remember what working two retail jobs was like. I had no free time. And with Garrett leaving so far away when will I ever see him. But again, I am running out of options.
I think I need to work harder but I really don't have any motivation left. I realize that I balanced a lot more than this in college but I'm tired and I don't want to balance and work hard for what I want any more.
Now I am just sounding like I am whining. I think I will stop here before things get too pathetic.
I just don't know what to do.
Monday, October 10, 2011
You Bring Out The Best In Me
I want to run away with you. Find a warm beach somewhere and spend our days lying on the sand under the hot sun, playing in the water, eating food that is bad for us and our nights cuddled in bed together watching Netflix. I want to leave behind this life where we are held down by bills and money. I want to carve out a place in the world for us that is peaceful and beautiful.
I would travel to the ends of the Earth to spend one more minute with you, worry free. Our afternoons where all but the most trivial of cares (such as what's for dinner) have been forgotten are the best times of my life. I could spend eternity wrapped up in your arms. I have never laughed or smiled so much as I do when you are there. You bring out the best in me. The happiest, silliest, lightest, funniest, most beautiful person emerges the minute you walk in the door. But I don't feel like it is an act. Or like this person isn't me. On the contrary I feel more like me when I am with you than at any other time.
I would travel to the ends of the Earth to spend one more minute with you, worry free. Our afternoons where all but the most trivial of cares (such as what's for dinner) have been forgotten are the best times of my life. I could spend eternity wrapped up in your arms. I have never laughed or smiled so much as I do when you are there. You bring out the best in me. The happiest, silliest, lightest, funniest, most beautiful person emerges the minute you walk in the door. But I don't feel like it is an act. Or like this person isn't me. On the contrary I feel more like me when I am with you than at any other time.
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