Nick's Graduation

Yesterday was Nick's graduation. I am so proud of him. He has done so well. He has turned out to be an amazing person. He is kind, generous, creative, and quite possibly the most energized person I have ever met. When we were kids he was always running around everywhere. Only I could keep up with him and even I had difficulty with it. As he has gotten older he has settled down but he still has more energy than I can ever hope to have myself. There is just some air around him. Like bottled lightning. Captured for now but never settled.

I hope that he finds his true passion. I hope he takes that bottled lightning of his and applies it until he achieves everything he desires. I hope he finds happiness and friends who love him as well as his family does. I hope he finds struggles. Enough to test him but not break him. I hope he continues to learn and grow and add to his accomplishments. I wish him luck on his journey.

If you are reading this little brother, know that I am proud of you. Know that I love you. Know that to me you will always be my partner in crime, my little brother and I will always be there to help you.

Alone

I miss him. There I said it. I didn't say it all day yesterday or all day today. But it is true, I do. Especially because I didn't even get to talk to him really. I got home too late. And I tried so hard not to. I left dad's a little after 7 so I thought I would get home by 9:30 thus giving us at least an hour to talk. But nope. The car broke down and I had to start my car before I could go home. And my phone died as I was talking to him. Stupid phone. It had plenty of power when I left the apartment this morning. I get very lonely when he isn't here.

Getting Out of the Way

So earlier I was on my way to Subway to get some lunch for Garret and me when I started hearing sirens behind me. I looked in my rear view mirror and there was an ambulance coming up the street behind me driving fast with its lights and sirens on. All of the cars immediately pulled over to the side of the road in order to get out of the way so that the ambulance could get through. At first I didn't think anything of it but then a minute later a cop car came and another ambulance came up behind me heading in the same direction. Again, all of the cars around immediately got out of the way for the vehicles. It got me thinking. When it really matters people can be good. Even if it is just getting out of the way of a vehicle that is on its way to save someone else's life. I wish that there were more times in the world when people would show this kind of humanity.

But we don't. When it comes to allowing two people to love each other freely we get in their way. When it comes to allowing people to practice their customs, their holidays and their religions we often get in their way. The Puritans didn;t like it when other people got in the way of their lives so they came here to America in search of a place where they could live their life without interference. That idea brought forth the bill of rights and our constitution. Yet the spirit of those laws, those protections have not been carried over to now.

For example,
Why can't people just get out of the way when it comes to gay and lesbian marriage?

My Love

The first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is about him. The last thing I think about when I fall asleep at night is how nice his arms are around me. The middle of every day is plagued with thoughts about what he is doing, how his day is going and what he would think of this or what he would say of that. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else in the world. Sometimes we fight like cats and dogs. And sometimes being together could not be sweeter. Our love is as passionate as the lives we live.

I have been told that our relationship is safe. But they can't see everything under the surface. I care for him more deeply than I have ever cared for anyone or anything. I wish there was a way for me to show him. A way better than saying simply "I love you". And often I wonder if he feels the same for me. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves me. Very, very much. I just wish I knew exactly what was going through his head when he looks at me and says I am pretty. Or when he laughs at me and plays with my hair. Or when I snuggle into him early in the morning to insist that he wake up.

I do feel safe when I am with him. I feel like there is nothing in the world that can hurt me as long as I am in his arms. I know I have someone in my life now that will do anything necessary to care for me, always. But I wonder if he knows that I feel the same about him and just how far I would go for him.

A love like the one I have for him is the kind of love that they write great romances about. I love him more as time goes on. I love him better as I learn more about who he is and who I am. I love him a new every time I see him for the man I know he hides from most other people. And I love him for letting me see that man. It is enduring and timeless.

I wish there was a way to know for sure that he is mine forever. In that way it is no more safe than any other relationship. What is a "safe" relationship anyway?

Summer So Far

Had a very good day today. My friend Elizabeth came to visit me here in Farmington. I haven't seen her in about a year so it was nice to catch up. She is very sweet and nice. We talked, played card games, watched a movie and made brownies. She is a very fun person to hang out with and I had forgotten how much fun.

I am now relaxing with Garret on the couch, writing this and watching TV on Netflix. Yeah, I love Netflix. Cheaper than Movie Gallery ever was and way cheaper than cable and with it I know that I like what I am watching cause I can watch anything I want. I still miss channel surfing some when I am bored but this is better than internet.

So far my summer is turning out to be very good. I am getting to hang out with friends who I haven't seen in a long time as well as relax with Garret here at home. I am not being too overworked by Staples too which is really nice. Sometimes when I go on breaks from school they get a little overzealous with scheduling me. Mostly I spend my time reading for fun, watching TV shows and movies on Netflix, cuddling with Garret, working, and hanging out with friends. I love most of the things on the list. Work isn't fun but at least it helps me put money away for school and to live. That is nice.

I am not looking forward to when June starts. Garret will be returning to work at the hospital Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. Some weeks it will be Tuesdays and Wednesdays and other weeks it will be Wednesdays and Thursdays. He will be here every weekend until at least Monday night which is nice but I often work those days. I am hoping that weeks when he works Wednesdays and Thursdays I will have Tuesday off which will mean we can have a day off together. At the least I will get to see him every weekend before and after work. Maybe with a lot of luck I will get a Saturday or Sunday off occasionally. *shrugs* I know I shouldn't complain. I mean, I got him to myself almost everyday over winter break. And it isn't going to kill my summer completely. I just will miss him. Nothing wrong with that. It happens. It is necessary in order for us to keep living in our apartment and for him to keep going to school. Soon enough this will be done and maybe when we have real jobs we will have days off together.

Enough of this. I am having a good summer. I am still going to have a good summer. I am lucky to have an apartment and to live with Garret even part time. I am lucky to have time off from work and school.

Applying

I haven't written a new post in a very long time. I have been very busy going to work, hanging out with "long lost friends" and relaxing as much as possible. I am happy to say that life is much less stressful lately.

I recently got my scores back from my Praxis II test. I passed it my first try and not only did I pass it but I got a 191 out of 200 and I only needed a 160. I rocked that test. I am very proud of myself and more than a little bit relieved to not have to dish out an additional 80 dollars to take the test again. Now I just need to dish out another 70 dollars for fingerprinting and background checking.

I just finished writing my cover letter and fixing my resume. Now I need to fill out an application. I have to have 5 copies of all three things to be delivered to the ed center by June 1st. This is how schools match student teachers with mentors I guess. I hope I get a good mentor. i had a very good one last time. I hope to do so again. I also hope to do a better job with names this time. I did pretty well last time but there are few I didn't get and I know I have forgotten many now. I am always worried that I will get a name wrong or that I won't like my mentor teacher or I will get lost or they will mistake me for a student. That would be very embarrassing and how would I prove that I am who I say I am? At least at the middle school the risk of that was minimal.

All worries for later. Right now I need to focus on work, paying the bills, getting fingerprinted and background checked, and having a very fun summer before I have to return to school in the fall.

The Year is Over!

It is over. The school year is officially over. I can now lay on my couch and not move. At least until 1. Then I have to get up and get ready to go pay my car insurance and go to work. But for now, it is just me, the cat and my computer.

Garret Is sleeping in the other room. I had meant to come home and nap with him at least until 11 but I was so excited to have free time, any free time at all that I didn't want to spend it in bed. I want to be awake to enjoy it. I can actually read for fun if I want to. I can spend time writing and working on my poetry if I want to. I can sit on my couch and watch movies or any of the many new tv shows I have found online. I can go out with my friends and not feel like I should be home by 8 or 9 so that I can have time to do my homework. I can invite people over and stay up late talking to them rather than doing reading for the next day.

Life is so sweet right now. I realize that soon enough I will be bored out of my mind again but for now I want to enjoy the sweetness of doing whatever I want whenever I want to. Yes, Yes, life is grand.