May have actually managed to get 8 hours of sleep. However also tossed and turned all night and woke up repeatedly. No sobbing though. Just a mild amount of tears. But I think that has more to do with hanging out with Zach and talking to Steve on the phone than anything else. I have amazing friends. I will never forget that about any of them. Its nice to know that I have so many people who care so very much about me.
Everybody keeps telling me that there are other guys out there. Starting to feel like I need to let go. But I also know I can't yet. I went and asked Garret last night if he was ok because his status worried me. And he said he was. We talked a little about stuff. And he said it was good that we were trying to be friends and I said to him, "I don't want to be your friend." I had to leave at that point. I couldn't take it anymore. But I know it is true. He may have been my best friend while we were dating but that doesn't mean that I just want to be friends. Yeah, definitely not ready to let him go.
Made a list last night of things I wouldn't put up with in my next relationship.
1) Never again will I date a guy without a car
2) No more really really smart guys who have to analyze everything because somehow there must be some reason for everything and you can't just feel something.
3) No more guys who won't french kiss me. The next guy I date is going to want to make outwith all the time and use as much tongue as I want him to.
4) No more guys who don't want sex as much as I do. I want a guy who when I grab him and kiss him and push him on the bed doesn't think, "This is nice but I'm not in the mood."
I don't have to feel like I am not sex, not desirable. I don't have to rely on my friends telling me they want me to feel good about myself. Someone who actually enjoys my body. I don't have to try and explain everything I am feeling to them. I can just be sad because I feel sad sometimes and they will be ok with it. And someone who wants to drive me places sometimes. And who is willing to drive out of their for me sometimes. And who understands that it is never too much money or gas money to drive to see the person you love. Someone with whom that feeling of wanting to do anything just to get more time is mutual.
Maybe I just need to focus on these things and I will not feel so sad. Maybe if I stop thinking about the pain and the sorrow and all the things I should be doing in my life right now instead of mourning the loss of my relationship then maybe I will feel better. Maybe if I keep busy enough I will feel better.
Again, love my friends. Thanks to Zach for staying out hanging out and talking with me till 1:30 am last night. Thanks to Steve for letting me return his call checking in on me at 2 am last night. Thanks to Alice who I am seeing Tuesday evening and to Mel who I will see Thursday. And thanks to work for giving me something to do to keep me busy. Today is the only day this week that I am not doing something. We'll have to see how it goes.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Is Today the Day?
In my head there is this scene where you knock on my door I say come in. You grab me and kiss me hard and look into my eyes. And there are tears in yours. And you say, "I am so sorry. I never meant any of it. It is all over. I want you back. I realize now that I can't live without you. Please, Dani, please take me back?"
Every time I come home from work. Every time I lay in bed crying in the dark with the door closed, feeling you listening on the other side I imagine this. Every day, I think today is the day. Today he will say it. Today he will hug me and hold me close and kiss me and we will cry in happiness. And every thing will be alright again.
Is today that day?
Every time I come home from work. Every time I lay in bed crying in the dark with the door closed, feeling you listening on the other side I imagine this. Every day, I think today is the day. Today he will say it. Today he will hug me and hold me close and kiss me and we will cry in happiness. And every thing will be alright again.
Is today that day?
Immeasurable Sorrow
I can't find the words anymore. The only sounds my throat can make is sobs and half taking heaving breathes. Each sentence here is painful like trying to breathe while your running and that stitch in your side cuts into you and the cool air hurts your lungs. Yeah, I hope that metaphor makes sense.
In my head are only half finished phrases repeated over and over again as yet more tears find their way down my cheeks. If I was a mountain I would have deep crevices from where the water fell repeatedly. And I keep thinking that I can't possibly cry anymore and yet the tears just keep coming. Each time the phrases in my head make another circuit more salty tears run down my cheeks, my nose, my mouth.
"Take me back."
"Please hold me"
"Please tell me you're sorry."
"Please make it stop."
"Make the pain go away."
"I love you so much."
"Why?"
"Don't do this."
"I'm sorry"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
and finally,
"I hate you." I know I don't mean this last one but it is so hard to not hate. To not want to scream and throw things and tear the world to pieces. Because honestly, what can possibly be left in the world for me when you are gone from my life? What future can I possibly have without you?
You promised you would never be the one to end things. You lied. You said you would be there for as long as I wanted you. You lied. You lied. You Lied. You LIED!
You said you would always be there for me. You can't be there for me now. No one holds me while my whole body shakes with sobs, while my lungs repeatedly try to gasp for air and fail again and again and again. No one. Instead I lay in bed in the dark every night crying and trying to stifle the moans into my blankets and pillows, trying to gasp for air, hoping to fall asleep if only to have the short relief of sweet nothingness for a little while, hoping to not feel the pain for just a little while.
My entire body hurts. My stomach is tied into knots so tight that nothing helps it. I spent the first night running to the bathroom with diarrhea. My body feels weak and shaky. My hands shake. I speak too fast to try to hide the trembling. I smile bigger to hide the fact that I can't smile.
I feel like Bella when Edward leaves her. She woke up every night from the same nightmare, screaming and crying and writhing in agony. There is a deep black hole in her chest where her heart used to be and it clenches in agony every time she thinks of him. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to think. I feel like Bella. Reading and writing and mindless games of solitaire just to keep my mind busy so I can't think. Big black empty hole right where my heart is. And pain. Always pain.
Please take me back? Please? I'll do anything. Anything. Please?
In my head are only half finished phrases repeated over and over again as yet more tears find their way down my cheeks. If I was a mountain I would have deep crevices from where the water fell repeatedly. And I keep thinking that I can't possibly cry anymore and yet the tears just keep coming. Each time the phrases in my head make another circuit more salty tears run down my cheeks, my nose, my mouth.
"Take me back."
"Please hold me"
"Please tell me you're sorry."
"Please make it stop."
"Make the pain go away."
"I love you so much."
"Why?"
"Don't do this."
"I'm sorry"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
and finally,
"I hate you." I know I don't mean this last one but it is so hard to not hate. To not want to scream and throw things and tear the world to pieces. Because honestly, what can possibly be left in the world for me when you are gone from my life? What future can I possibly have without you?
You promised you would never be the one to end things. You lied. You said you would be there for as long as I wanted you. You lied. You lied. You Lied. You LIED!
You said you would always be there for me. You can't be there for me now. No one holds me while my whole body shakes with sobs, while my lungs repeatedly try to gasp for air and fail again and again and again. No one. Instead I lay in bed in the dark every night crying and trying to stifle the moans into my blankets and pillows, trying to gasp for air, hoping to fall asleep if only to have the short relief of sweet nothingness for a little while, hoping to not feel the pain for just a little while.
My entire body hurts. My stomach is tied into knots so tight that nothing helps it. I spent the first night running to the bathroom with diarrhea. My body feels weak and shaky. My hands shake. I speak too fast to try to hide the trembling. I smile bigger to hide the fact that I can't smile.
I feel like Bella when Edward leaves her. She woke up every night from the same nightmare, screaming and crying and writhing in agony. There is a deep black hole in her chest where her heart used to be and it clenches in agony every time she thinks of him. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to think. I feel like Bella. Reading and writing and mindless games of solitaire just to keep my mind busy so I can't think. Big black empty hole right where my heart is. And pain. Always pain.
Please take me back? Please? I'll do anything. Anything. Please?
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Gone
I am so tired. I can't breathe. I can't remember the last time but I am sure it didn't feel like this. Just want it to be over with. Maybe I should try sleeping again. I have ice cream in the fridge. I forgot about it. Not hungry. Wasn't hungry when I bought it but figured it was something to eat. So cold.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Letting Go
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
Day # 24 The Person That Gave Me My Favorite Memory
Dear Garret,
There are a lot of memories that I will always treasure with you. The night you sent me your story and I knew I was the girl in the sand, the night you told me you loved me, the night you asked me out, the first time you kissed me, the many times we "ran away to Canada" together or to Poland, the first night we slept in the same bed together, our first night in our new apartment, and of course, our last Christmas together. It was just about perfect. It was just us at home snuggling, unwrapping gifts and watching House for hours. But none of these are my favorite. My favorite memory is of us cuddling on our bed just as happy as we could be because we just realized that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We were looking at each other and smiling and I was crying I was so happy. We had only been dating 9 months but I knew then and there that I never wanted another man, ever.
I will never forget the way you held me closed and whispered to me. I will never forget how could you smelled or how good it felt to be held so close by you. I won't forget kissing you and telling you, "You're the one."
You're the One, Garret.
Dani
There are a lot of memories that I will always treasure with you. The night you sent me your story and I knew I was the girl in the sand, the night you told me you loved me, the night you asked me out, the first time you kissed me, the many times we "ran away to Canada" together or to Poland, the first night we slept in the same bed together, our first night in our new apartment, and of course, our last Christmas together. It was just about perfect. It was just us at home snuggling, unwrapping gifts and watching House for hours. But none of these are my favorite. My favorite memory is of us cuddling on our bed just as happy as we could be because we just realized that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We were looking at each other and smiling and I was crying I was so happy. We had only been dating 9 months but I knew then and there that I never wanted another man, ever.
I will never forget the way you held me closed and whispered to me. I will never forget how could you smelled or how good it felt to be held so close by you. I won't forget kissing you and telling you, "You're the one."
You're the One, Garret.
Dani
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Day # 23 The Last Person I Kissed
Dear Garret,
Yep, I'm I not cheating on you. You are the person I kissed most recently, the last person I kissed. I hope that you will be the only man I will ever kiss again. I love you. And I truly think that you are the only person out there for me. I have never loved someone more than I love you. I care about you so much. You make me happier than i have ever been in my entire life. You are my best friend and I am allowed to kiss you, tell touch you, hold you and tell you my deepest darkest secrets. Nothing could be better. I hope you know that you and your happiness are the most important things in the world to me. And I am sorry if sometimes it seems like I forget that.I can't deny that sometimes I am not the best girlfriend in the world to you. But I am working on it. I promise. And we are going to have an amazing life together.
Love Always,
Dani
Yep, I'm I not cheating on you. You are the person I kissed most recently, the last person I kissed. I hope that you will be the only man I will ever kiss again. I love you. And I truly think that you are the only person out there for me. I have never loved someone more than I love you. I care about you so much. You make me happier than i have ever been in my entire life. You are my best friend and I am allowed to kiss you, tell touch you, hold you and tell you my deepest darkest secrets. Nothing could be better. I hope you know that you and your happiness are the most important things in the world to me. And I am sorry if sometimes it seems like I forget that.I can't deny that sometimes I am not the best girlfriend in the world to you. But I am working on it. I promise. And we are going to have an amazing life together.
Love Always,
Dani
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)