Nothing Is Impossible

It has been almost a year. December 9, 2010. About ten more days. Wow. Things are definitely different for me now.

I spend my days at work, with friends or chilling out at home watching tv on the internet. No more homework, no more classes, no more Farmington or school. I'm a college graduate who blew her supervisors and mentors away with her performance during her student teaching. I still haven't found the job of my dreams but I'm looking and I'm getting closer every day.

I no longer worry that the man I love is going to move away from me and go to grad school somewhere so far away that I won't be able to follow. Now I worry that I will be the one moving away. However, I have faith in the one I love and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this new relationship work.

The world doesn't seem as cut and dry. It isn't about occasionally eating out, going to the movies, and cuddling on the couch. It is much more alive and interesting. There are still days spent watching netflix and not bothering to put on real clothes but now there are also road trips, game nights, parties, weddings, yard work, birthdays, graduations, movies, the mall, the beach, exploring, hiking, live shows, music, festivals, pirates, adventures, and so much more. The list grows every day.

My life is looking more and more like me every day. It is looking more like how I always wanted to live it. Fun, exciting, a little spontaneous, happy and busy. The world seems to have gotten bigger. The possibilities seem endless.

If there is one thing I learned in the past year it's that nothing is impossible.

Who I Am With You And How I Love You

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
~Roy Croft~

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~

Loving Being Wrong

So I've been sick. I woke up Saturday with a headache well, actually it was more like a face ache. And I had hoped it was just that I had slept in too late. But then I woke up yesterday and it was worse. It was too hard to ignore the evidence I had an full blown painful sinus infection. Then I cried because I felt like shit but I knew I couldn't afford to miss work. They only scheduled me for 24 hours this week. So I got up and went to work. While at work I realized what I really wanted more than anything else was for Garrett to come take care of me and to cuddle with me. Normally I don't ask him to come look in on me when I know he is probably busy because I know I would feel bad and selfish. But I felt like I really needed him. So I asked him to come. He said he had to work Monday. So I suggested that he come the night before or after work Monday or that he simply skip work. I thought he would know that it was pretty serious since I pretty much never ask him to skip work for me. The boy said he couldn't because he needed to wash his work clothes for the next day. I told him that was a lame excuse and he agreed with me. I was furious. So I told him I was mad at him. I mean after all the things I do for him. I cook for him, I have taken care packages to him when he hasn't felt well, I have done his dishes for him before, I have baked him things to cheer him up, I have gone to the doctors with him. I have done everything in my power to make him happy. And I don't usually ask him to just come and hold me. And he was denying me something so simple because he had to do laundry.

He apparently was kidding. He had decided to give me the lamest answer possible so that I would know it was simple a stupid excuse so that he could come to Augusta and surprise me. I was flabbergasted. I felt so bad for doubting him. For thinking that he wouldn't want to come take care of me. I guess I am just used to putting in and putting in and not getting everything I need in return. I think part of me expected a no and when I saw it in a text message I didn't take any time at all to question it.

I should have more faith in him. He is so supportive of me. Even though I ask him how he feels about me maybe moving farther away for a teaching job he refuses to give an answers. He doesn't want to color my decision. He wants me to do what is right for me and my career regardless of his feelings. He does little things to make me smile all the time. I should have known he wouldn't hurt me like that. That he would want to be here for me as much as I want to be here for him.

I love that. I love this. I love him.

And Another One Bites The Dust

My friend Chucky is engaged! Yay Chucky! I am really very happy for him. I met his girlfriend once a while back and she was really a very sweet girl. The two of them have been together now for a year, maybe two? I can't remember. It is so awesome that Chucky finally found someone. In high school he was the guy who I always thought of as a little brother. He was always hanging out with me and moaning over a friend of ours. We considered giving dating a try once but in the end the idea was just a little too awkward. We are good friends and always have been. He listens to me gripe and I listen to him gripe. I see him every once in awhile and it's great fun. Chucky has always been unlucky in love. So it is nice that he is getting married.

However, I can't help but feel a little twinge of pain. An asshole really ruined the whole concept for me. He made me think that I had the person I was going to be with forever. But it was a lie. I don't know that I am capable of trusting someone that much again. I let someone all the way in. I planned a future with that person. I allowed myself to believe I would always have him to support and love me. I was wrong. I had never let myself think I would be married before. That was not something that would happen in my life. I didn't want to need someone that much.

And you know since then I find myself questioning all the time whether I believe that we all have a life partner out there. Do I really believe there is someone for everyone? Someone we will spend our entire lives with? Is it really possible to make it work the first time? Does marriage ever really work?

Just look at the relationships I have seen in my life. My mom and dad are divorced. Both of my dad's sisters have been divorced. My grandfather died shortly before I was born and my grandmother remarried about 8 years ago. My grandmother on my mother's side has 4 daughters, all with different men and I still don't know that she is married to George. My grandfather on my mother's side was married. had a girlfriend and got my grandmother knocked up at 15. What examples do I have in my life to show me that there is any possible way to spend your whole life with one person? It seems to me that there is always someone coming or going.

And I don't want that. I don't want to date forever. I don't want my heart to get broken repeatedly for another 20 years before I finally get it right. I want to meet someone who will love as I am and or who I am for the rest of my life. I want someone to take care of me when I am busy taking care of everyone else. I want someone's hand to hold when I feel like falling to pieces. I want to be able to trust someone even more completely than I trusted the asshole who broke my heart. I want what Chucky has. Faith. Love. Trust. Strength.

Will I ever have any of those things again?

What do I do?

I haven't written anything in a while. And when I have written it has been mostly sappy things. I think I need to write about other things.

I have spent a lot of time lately being angry and depressed. At the beginning of the summer I was stressed about money. Lets face it, I just got out of school and I am trying to support myself with only my part time job and a tiny bit of savings. Lucky for me my job gave me at least 30 hours a week and sometimes more. I managed to get on food stamps and that really helped. It was easier when I didn't have to worry about rent and food. I spent my summer enjoying my new love and going on adventures while using all my free time to look for a teaching job. Now the summer has come to a close and things haven't really gotten any better. In fact, they have gotten worse. The summer is over and I still don't have a teaching job. The store I was working at has closed and now I am working at a smaller store where I have to compete for hours. I'm down to 20 hours a week. It is October which means that school has started and there are fewer teaching jobs now then there were before. I had a car accident so my car insurance is going to be going up soon. In January or February I am going to have start paying on my student loans and I am barely making ends meet as it is. My options are dwindling.

I hate my job. I am going to admit right now that I feel stupid, alone and bored there. I miss teaching. I want to quit but I know that I can't quit. I need to find another job first. I know that I could probably get another retail job fairy easily but frankly I don't want to. I want to teach. I hate corporations. I hate business. I hate retail. I could move back in with my mom. I like my freedom though. I like my independence. I like being able to see my boyfriend whenever I want to. A friend offered to be my roommate but he doesn't want to live in Augusta and neither do I really. So I would need a new job first. I suppose I could transfer to another store. I don't really like that idea either. I need to do something.

The only thing I can really do is keep applying for teaching jobs. Apply for long term sub jobs and ed tech jobs. Keep going to work every day. Keep making money and paying my bills. could try to get a second retail job. There goes all of my free time though. I remember what working two retail jobs was like. I had no free time. And with Garrett leaving so far away when will I ever see him. But again, I am running out of options.

I think I need to work harder but I really don't have any motivation left. I realize that I balanced a lot more than this in college but I'm tired and I don't want to balance and work hard for what I want any more.

Now I am just sounding like I am whining. I think I will stop here before things get too pathetic.

I just don't know what to do.

You Bring Out The Best In Me

I want to run away with you. Find a warm beach somewhere and spend our days lying on the sand under the hot sun, playing in the water, eating food that is bad for us and our nights cuddled in bed together watching Netflix. I want to leave behind this life where we are held down by bills and money. I want to carve out a place in the world for us that is peaceful and beautiful.

I would travel to the ends of the Earth to spend one more minute with you, worry free. Our afternoons where all but the most trivial of cares (such as what's for dinner) have been forgotten are the best times of my life. I could spend eternity wrapped up in your arms. I have never laughed or smiled so much as I do when you are there. You bring out the best in me. The happiest, silliest, lightest, funniest, most beautiful person emerges the minute you walk in the door. But I don't feel like it is an act. Or like this person isn't me. On the contrary I feel more like me when I am with you than at any other time.

Happy Dream?

When I am with you the world is on fire. I have never been happier and it isn't hard to forget all my doubts. But when we are apart and I am alone again they all come swimming back into focus.