Tuesday, October 13, 2009
More from Phoenix Girl
"She knew this. Just as she knew the world is a hard place. That’s all. Not cruel or heartless or cold. But neither is it kind or loving or warm. It’s just hard. It’s meant to be. There are no easy choices in life. Just other choices. The world is not there to give us anything. Pessimists feel denied and optimists feel blessed but both are wrong. How can you be when there is nothing to be denied of and nothing to be blessed with? The world is a place to take. To take by storm. To take by passion. To take into you heart and love. To take by the hand and lead into a new future. To take lessons from. To learn from."
The Good and The Tired
Today has been a good day overall. I got all of my homework done for tomorrow and since I was over-productive last week with my readings I have finished all of the readings for Thursday. This left me time to take my boyfriend out to eat, to read a packet, write a paper, watch House and watch the third installment of Anne of Green Gables in it's entirety before I sat down to write this. A slow but productive day I would say. I think th previous weekend has taught me something about being too ambitious. It makes me burn out. Hopefully, this time I will remember the lesson and not try to overdue it. Also, in the good news column I am eating again. I haven't has an appetite the last few days and finally today I haven't eaten like I normally do. All of this good news though must be accompanied by something not so great, right? My ear has been bothering me. It feels like it has some water in it or something. It isn't as bad as it was last night but it is still very annoying. I am hoping it doesn't signify a return of my ear problems.
Tomorrow I am planning on cooking dinner for my friend, Lindsey and maybe her roommate, Erica. I met Erica when I went to Lindsey's for dinner last week. She seemed very nice so I wanted to be nice back and make sure to invite her too. It feels good to be making more friends. They are both fun to be around and very easy going. Hopefully, my plans will go well tomorrow. I have a few reservations because they are coming here but we will see.
It snowed here today! That is October in Maine for you. Don't worry my dear readers who aren't from Maine and who don't yet exist, this not typical Maine weather. Even the natives were surprised to look out their windows this morning at 9 am and see white flakes drifting slowly from the sky. I could only remember one time in previous years that in snowed in October. Twice in twenty years isn't too often I would say. I like snow. I am excited for snow. I'm not excited for the cold or the long walks to campus in the cold but I am excited for the snow. If it could snow and be like 60 or 70 out I would be in heaven. Snow is so much fun. There are snowmen, snow angels, snowmobiles, snowshoeing, sledding, snow ball fights, skiing and of course the ever popular snow days. Snow is great stuff. Not all Mainers like it though. I can't blame them. It is often cold and wet stuff.
You know I am not really sure I am liking being 20. It doesn't feel much different from when I was 18 or 19. It is pretty boring. The only difference really is that I am no longer living at home at all. Sometimes it doesn't feel much different from being 17 except the woman I am avoiding isn't my mom and there is no intrinsic love there because of familial bonds. Being 20 feels like being pushed into adulthood when I have been yearning for freedom and fun. It feels like wanting to be able to stay up all night and sleep all day and being unable to because I have to responsible. When did responsibility mean denying myself the right to giggle all night, watch bad movies, talk about boys, drive very badly, sing at the top of my lungs, dance in the living room, dance anywhere really, or play games? When did I start exhausting myself working, writing, going to school, driving, trying to keep old bonds, trying to keep and make new relationships, and paying the bills? It feels like I have already been doing it a very long time and I know somewhere deep down inside that I am going to keep doing it for a very long time afterward. Maybe that was where my lack of motivation came from last weekend. When will it be my time?
I have spent a long time in the gutters fighting for what is right, fighting for what I want, fighting for my rights. It feels like every victory I have has been obtained through a very long, exhausting fight. But didn't I say it?
"She knew this. Just as she knew the world is a hard place. That’s all. Not cruel or heartless or cold. But neither is it kind or loving or warm. It’s just hard. It’s meant to be. There are no easy choices in life. Just other choices. The world is not there to give us anything. Pessimists feel denied and optimists feel blessed but both are wrong. How can you be when there is nothing to be denied of and nothing to be blessed with? The world is a place to take. To take by storm. To take by passion. To take into you heart and love. To take by the hand and lead into a new future. To take lessons from. To learn from."
The world is a place to take from.
Tomorrow I am planning on cooking dinner for my friend, Lindsey and maybe her roommate, Erica. I met Erica when I went to Lindsey's for dinner last week. She seemed very nice so I wanted to be nice back and make sure to invite her too. It feels good to be making more friends. They are both fun to be around and very easy going. Hopefully, my plans will go well tomorrow. I have a few reservations because they are coming here but we will see.
It snowed here today! That is October in Maine for you. Don't worry my dear readers who aren't from Maine and who don't yet exist, this not typical Maine weather. Even the natives were surprised to look out their windows this morning at 9 am and see white flakes drifting slowly from the sky. I could only remember one time in previous years that in snowed in October. Twice in twenty years isn't too often I would say. I like snow. I am excited for snow. I'm not excited for the cold or the long walks to campus in the cold but I am excited for the snow. If it could snow and be like 60 or 70 out I would be in heaven. Snow is so much fun. There are snowmen, snow angels, snowmobiles, snowshoeing, sledding, snow ball fights, skiing and of course the ever popular snow days. Snow is great stuff. Not all Mainers like it though. I can't blame them. It is often cold and wet stuff.
You know I am not really sure I am liking being 20. It doesn't feel much different from when I was 18 or 19. It is pretty boring. The only difference really is that I am no longer living at home at all. Sometimes it doesn't feel much different from being 17 except the woman I am avoiding isn't my mom and there is no intrinsic love there because of familial bonds. Being 20 feels like being pushed into adulthood when I have been yearning for freedom and fun. It feels like wanting to be able to stay up all night and sleep all day and being unable to because I have to responsible. When did responsibility mean denying myself the right to giggle all night, watch bad movies, talk about boys, drive very badly, sing at the top of my lungs, dance in the living room, dance anywhere really, or play games? When did I start exhausting myself working, writing, going to school, driving, trying to keep old bonds, trying to keep and make new relationships, and paying the bills? It feels like I have already been doing it a very long time and I know somewhere deep down inside that I am going to keep doing it for a very long time afterward. Maybe that was where my lack of motivation came from last weekend. When will it be my time?
I have spent a long time in the gutters fighting for what is right, fighting for what I want, fighting for my rights. It feels like every victory I have has been obtained through a very long, exhausting fight. But didn't I say it?
"She knew this. Just as she knew the world is a hard place. That’s all. Not cruel or heartless or cold. But neither is it kind or loving or warm. It’s just hard. It’s meant to be. There are no easy choices in life. Just other choices. The world is not there to give us anything. Pessimists feel denied and optimists feel blessed but both are wrong. How can you be when there is nothing to be denied of and nothing to be blessed with? The world is a place to take. To take by storm. To take by passion. To take into you heart and love. To take by the hand and lead into a new future. To take lessons from. To learn from."
The world is a place to take from.
Monday, October 12, 2009
My Magic Carpet Ride
Today I went on a magic carpet ride.
I went to Florida.
My carpet and I rose up high in the sky,
We twisted, spiraled and dived in the night
The air was warm and hugged me close as it whipped on by
The moon hung over head
And the stars twinkled,
Like a secret caught in two lovers eyes.
For hours upon hours
I sailed overhead on my magic carpet,
A smile gently caressing my features.
As the moon began to sink,
And the sun started to brighten the horizon,
I knew it was time to return home.
With a light heart and happy memories I was homeward bound.
But soon the sky became dark.
Storm clouds rolled in like a stampede of angry wild horses.
Beautiful and frightening all at once.
And then it rained.
The rain fell in torrents
It beat down like a raging flood
It soaked right through my magic carpet
And then my carpet died.
As I was hovering in the air, the rain killed my magic carpet
And sent me spiraling towards the ground.
Falling,
Falling I was,
Forever down
Towards the ground
Where certain death awaited me.
It was then that my winged chair rescued me
It scooped me up out of the sky
And placed me gently on the ground,
Just before it saw
What was left of my magic carpet.
Falling from the sky,
The wind whipping its strings and tearing it to shreds
It crashed into the muddy ground and lay there still,
Very still.
Dead.
My chair saw what had become of my magic carpet,
And died right then and there
Of a broken heart.
Then the rain stopped as suddenly as it had started.
The sky was now bleak and gray.
Like the fog in a lovers eyes after the secret is long gone,
And all that’s left is broken.
Now what remains of my carpet is strings
and my chair sits in the back of my closet,
Broken
Forgotten,
And alone.
I went to Florida.
My carpet and I rose up high in the sky,
We twisted, spiraled and dived in the night
The air was warm and hugged me close as it whipped on by
The moon hung over head
And the stars twinkled,
Like a secret caught in two lovers eyes.
For hours upon hours
I sailed overhead on my magic carpet,
A smile gently caressing my features.
As the moon began to sink,
And the sun started to brighten the horizon,
I knew it was time to return home.
With a light heart and happy memories I was homeward bound.
But soon the sky became dark.
Storm clouds rolled in like a stampede of angry wild horses.
Beautiful and frightening all at once.
And then it rained.
The rain fell in torrents
It beat down like a raging flood
It soaked right through my magic carpet
And then my carpet died.
As I was hovering in the air, the rain killed my magic carpet
And sent me spiraling towards the ground.
Falling,
Falling I was,
Forever down
Towards the ground
Where certain death awaited me.
It was then that my winged chair rescued me
It scooped me up out of the sky
And placed me gently on the ground,
Just before it saw
What was left of my magic carpet.
Falling from the sky,
The wind whipping its strings and tearing it to shreds
It crashed into the muddy ground and lay there still,
Very still.
Dead.
My chair saw what had become of my magic carpet,
And died right then and there
Of a broken heart.
Then the rain stopped as suddenly as it had started.
The sky was now bleak and gray.
Like the fog in a lovers eyes after the secret is long gone,
And all that’s left is broken.
Now what remains of my carpet is strings
and my chair sits in the back of my closet,
Broken
Forgotten,
And alone.
Beautiful
Another quote from my favorite author.
"Something sprouted from her back – no, two somethings: resembling greenish, transparent wings. They started emitting a rich, vibrant light, bathing the sky around her in a distinct, yet indefinable aura. What was it? Freedom, maybe; the sense of something finally bursting free after a long, unwelcome confinement. Whatever it was, she felt immersed in it, felt it flowing over and around her, clinging to and sliding across her form like a lover’s gentle caress. It was warm, it was soft, it was sweet, it was firm, it was yielding – and above all else, it was hers. She twirled and swooped in the air, flying about like an elegant, graceful dancer. Everywhere she went, the shadows parted – destroyed by her gentle light."
"Something sprouted from her back – no, two somethings: resembling greenish, transparent wings. They started emitting a rich, vibrant light, bathing the sky around her in a distinct, yet indefinable aura. What was it? Freedom, maybe; the sense of something finally bursting free after a long, unwelcome confinement. Whatever it was, she felt immersed in it, felt it flowing over and around her, clinging to and sliding across her form like a lover’s gentle caress. It was warm, it was soft, it was sweet, it was firm, it was yielding – and above all else, it was hers. She twirled and swooped in the air, flying about like an elegant, graceful dancer. Everywhere she went, the shadows parted – destroyed by her gentle light."
Mondays Off Are Great
I loved having today off. I woke up late, laid in bed for an hour cause I didn't feel like getting up, went out to Subway for lunch and just now finished my homework for tomorrow. It is so nice to not have to worry about class or work. I am now taking a break from homework to write this. I love writing. Despite my lack of an appetite and lack of motivation the last couple of days this is still a pretty desirable pastime. That probably tells you something about the sick nature of my psyche. Why would anyone want to torture themselves with writing? I have no idea but I like it.
The election is getting closer. So many people are campaigning about question 1. It seems to have everyone riled up. It seems so silly to me that so many people are like that. It is a simple question of denying people their rights. Vote yes and the marriage law allowing gays and lesbians to marry is repelled. Vote no and the law stands allowing people who should have had the right to pursue happiness in whatever lifestyle they want are denied. It seems like the only fair, right, just, and kind thing to do here is to vote no. Maybe that is just me though.
I was campaigned at the other day by this woman outside the student center. She is trying to get people to vote yes. She says she doesn't want them teaching about those types of relationships in school. She says they shouldn't be exposed to that lifestyle because it is a hard way to live. Saying "think of the children" to me really doesn't work. These people love each other and it is from that love that their desire to get married stems. Children understand love. They know love. They know what love looks like. Why should the love between a man and a man or between two women be any different than any other kind of love? Why should it be any less valued? We are all human beings and we all want to be paired with someone when love and grow old with. We have no right or reason to deny that to anyone. Besides, marriage is just a piece of paper... right?
The election is getting closer. So many people are campaigning about question 1. It seems to have everyone riled up. It seems so silly to me that so many people are like that. It is a simple question of denying people their rights. Vote yes and the marriage law allowing gays and lesbians to marry is repelled. Vote no and the law stands allowing people who should have had the right to pursue happiness in whatever lifestyle they want are denied. It seems like the only fair, right, just, and kind thing to do here is to vote no. Maybe that is just me though.
I was campaigned at the other day by this woman outside the student center. She is trying to get people to vote yes. She says she doesn't want them teaching about those types of relationships in school. She says they shouldn't be exposed to that lifestyle because it is a hard way to live. Saying "think of the children" to me really doesn't work. These people love each other and it is from that love that their desire to get married stems. Children understand love. They know love. They know what love looks like. Why should the love between a man and a man or between two women be any different than any other kind of love? Why should it be any less valued? We are all human beings and we all want to be paired with someone when love and grow old with. We have no right or reason to deny that to anyone. Besides, marriage is just a piece of paper... right?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
No Motivation
I have absolutely no motivation to do anything related to work tonight. I have a ton of homework due Tuesday and Wednesday and it is stressing me out but I am completely refusing to do it. I just don't see the point in doing it. What is the point of doing my homework? Of getting good grades? Of graduating? Of becoming a teacher. What am I really accomplishing by doing anything? What is the point here? I don't get any enjoyment out of work or school anymore. I'm just tired and bored. I can't remember the last time I spent an entire day just having fun. I can't even remember the last time I was home to see my family. Any of my family for more than 10 minutes. When was the last time I spent an entire day with Garret just having fun? Just laying in bed cuddling? I miss slow mornings where Garret and I had to haul ourselves out of bed because we didn't want to leave. I miss laying in bed with him refusing to wake up and stroking my hair and back trying to put me back to sleep while I kissed his chest and neck in an attempt to wake him up. I just feel no reason to do anything. Why should I do the dishes? Take a shower? Go to work? Do my homework? Get out of bed? Why? Why? Why?
I'm so tired. I'm not even sure why I am writing this. I can name the people who will read it on one hand. It doesn't seem to be doing me much good tonight. I'm not sure where this is all coming from. Maybe Garret is right and I just need a break. Or maybe I have finally cracked and realized that my entire existence is completely pointless. Where is the hope I preached before? Where is my risk? My chance? Where is my confidence and assured attitude? Where is my "I can take on the world strength"? Huh? Where?
I'm so tired. I'm not even sure why I am writing this. I can name the people who will read it on one hand. It doesn't seem to be doing me much good tonight. I'm not sure where this is all coming from. Maybe Garret is right and I just need a break. Or maybe I have finally cracked and realized that my entire existence is completely pointless. Where is the hope I preached before? Where is my risk? My chance? Where is my confidence and assured attitude? Where is my "I can take on the world strength"? Huh? Where?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Quotes from Phoenix Girl
"The only thing pessimism brings is regrets. The worst that can be said about optimists is that they were deceived, mistaken and disappointed. But at least they try. At least they know that a life of only suffering is no life at all. At least they have hope. And at least they have no regrets and no amends to be made. If he had just believed it could be his. He’d destroyed his one hope."
"She’d gone through desert after desert and oasis after oasis looking for him. Sometimes she wondered if the torture she put herself through was really worth it. But she’d clung. Clung to her hope. You see those of us who suffer, suffer for a reason. Being deserving doesn’t matter. Just the hope someone else shall one day benefit from our pain. For she who saves one life saves the world. A world to take happiness from."
"She’d gone through desert after desert and oasis after oasis looking for him. Sometimes she wondered if the torture she put herself through was really worth it. But she’d clung. Clung to her hope. You see those of us who suffer, suffer for a reason. Being deserving doesn’t matter. Just the hope someone else shall one day benefit from our pain. For she who saves one life saves the world. A world to take happiness from."
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