One Step Closer

At the end of today I will be yet another step closer to my degree. I am going to get my fingerprints taken.

Steps Completed So Far
1) Enrolled in Farmington
2) Taken Practicum
3) Taken and passed the Praxis I
4) Taken and passed the Praxis II
5) Only 2 education classes and student teaching left
6) Turned in my 5 application packets required to get a student teaching placement
7) Registered for fingerprinting

Steps Left to Be Completed
1) Get a background check.
2) Get a student teaching position.
3) Student teach.
4) Graduate.

Everything Going on in my Brain

I never go anywhere or do anything. People invite me to stuff all the time but I always say no. People ask me to hang out and I try to make time for everyone but in the end I often have to say no. I hate that. I hate feeling like I am missing out on my life. Like I am missing out on a lot of things I would normally do. A lot of fun things. It is always work, or I am too tired, or I have school, or a number of other reasons.

I hurt. Everywhere. I hate being in pain but I find myself in pain a lot lately. I hate it. My knees hurt. My back hurts. My stomach hurts. I take so much ibuprofen and tylenol and midol that Garret makes fun of me. Says they are just placebos and that I take them like they are candy. He would too if he hurt like this.

All that pain and missing out on my life makes me feel old. Worn down, worn out and useless. Like life has already used me up and spit me out when I haven't even really gotten to live yet. I feel like asking, "Is this it? Is this all life has to offer me?"

I want to be kissed and touched and held and cuddled. I want to cry and cry and cry. I want to scream. I want to throw things. I want to hit things. I want to hit me. I want to hit others.

I want to stop going to work. I want to not go back to school in the fall. I want to spend the next year traveling. My friends are all embarking on new times in their lives and I am being left behind. They are getting married, having kids, starting school, graduating from school, traveling to foreign countries, moving on, moving out and moving up, getting new jobs, being promoted and just plain doing something with themselves. I have all these dreams that are just falling away.

And its you. It is all you. I ache with the need to either make you stay or make you go. I ache with the need to make you love me or make you hate me. I hate this waiting for us to fall apart. That is what I have been doing. Yeah, you said this was what you wanted but I don't believe you. You can't prove that to me. Just leave me. Please just leave me and go to grad school. Just go. Please, just go.

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I have made the right choices. Sometimes I wonder if I am accomplishing everything I have wanted to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder if life could be better.

Life could be a hell of a lot worse.

Of that I am always sure. I could have no friends. I have amazing friends. Steve, Mel, Lindsey, Heather, Jenna, Alice.

I could have a terrible boyfriend. I have the sweetest boyfriend, Garret.

I could have a horrid family. I have a family that loves me and cares about me. I have a family that pushes me o succeed even when it means they don't see or hear from me as much as they would like to.

I could be jobless. I could not be in school. I love school. And even when I complain about my job I know I could be without one. I know I could be much poorer and I could work with worse people or not have one at all.

I must have done something right to have all this right in my life. So why do I wonder about everything else?

I have wanted to travel my whole life. I wonder what is holding me back? Is it really not having the time or the resources or is it something else?

I have wanted to keep acting. I loved everything about the stage. The fear, the nerves, the adrenaline. The way it just takes and takes from you until you don't think you can give it anymore and then you perform and it is all so perfect and it seems like it was all worth it. Did I really give t up for a few more hours at Staples, a bigger paycheck and more time to do my homework?

I love writing. I love crafting and being in the middle of somewhere else and feeling that heady power of something being created out of nothing but my own thoughts and feelings. Why haven't I done more to make sure my writing is read? Why haven't I put it out there more? Why haven't I been writing as much? Is it a dry spell? Inspiration just not coming?

I haven't got much time left here at school. I know that. I feel like I have put these things of till I am out of school because I have some idea in the back of my head that I will magically have more time when I only have one job and not two. I know I will get done with school, work at staples for a little while until i start my new job and then I will poor all of my energy into that job. I will tell myself that I will have time when summer comes around. But I won't. I will probably get a summer job to support myself while school is out or take summer classes to keep up my certification.

So what exactly am I waiting for?

The Funeral Was Today

So I talked to Steve last night. We were texting, then he texted me that his dad's funeral was today. I immediately called him. I figured he could use someone to talk to. He refused my offer to drop my plans with Mel for today to go to the funeral with him. I thought he might need a friend. Apparently a lot of other people weren't taking no for an answer. I am glad I asked. I didn't want to intrude. He is a private person and I know he would prefer to handle this alone. He would prefer if there were fewer people around to peer at him during the entire thing. I also know that it never works that way. I spent most of an hour just letting him rant. he went on about family, work, friends. Everything that was bothering him just spewed out everywhere. He was so angry. Which is not like him. He is always so "Nothing bothers me that I don't want to bother me" and very calm. I hope I did him some good by giving him someone to listen to him. Plus I know it wasn't good for him to leave all of that stewing around inside his head like that.

After he stopped ranting we started talking about other things. I knew he needed that too. That distraction from everything going on around him, the normalcy. He just wants to get back to normal life. He was his normal self, other than the anger.

I think he will be ok.

Wishing I Could do More

Found out Friday that my friend's dad died. He had cancer and it was terminal so the family knew it was coming. It must have still been painful though. I love my friend very much but I wish he would just be honest with me. he says he is ok, that he is fine. I wish he would just say I am mess right now, you're right, please get me as far away as possible. But he won't. Not sure if I should barge in on his grief or not. He is the type of person that pushes people away when he is having a hard time.

He always tells me that a thing only affects you if you let it affect you. And that it doesn't have to. I don't know if I buy that. How do you let someone in and not let the pain of losing them affect you? How do you grow and learn if the world has no affect on you? In other ways, his philosophy makes sense though. All those people who I don't like shouldn't affect me because they don't have to unless I let them. And I shouldn't let them. I hope he is letting enough people who want to help him, in.

I wish there was something else I could do.

Sometimes You Just Need to Cry And to Write About It

I feel like there is a lot I can write about tonight.

It is my birthday again. Woo hoo. My dad had it right when he said that birthdays get less and less fun as you get older. I really wish it wasn't my birthday. I don't want to be 21. I don't want people to be making a big deal about it being my birthday just cause I am 21 now and can drink. My mom, my dad and David have all cautioned me on drinking. Well, dad didn't so much caution but ask me what I was planning on doing for my birthday so he could find out if I was planning on going out and getting drunk. All of my friends have asked me if they can take me out and buy me a drink. I don't want to drink. I wasn't saying no to alcohol in high school and for the last 3 years of college cause it was illegal but because I have no interest in drinking.

A) I have alcoholics and addicts in my family. Not really feeling the risk here.
B) I don't like throwing up. I don't want to spend my night barfing.
C) I realize one drink won't cause the two above but I have a lot of friends and if I let one friend buy me a drink I have to let them all buy me a drink and then I will be drunk. Also, how do I know it will be just one?
D) Anything I can do drunk I can do sober and remember in the morning.

I am also extremely jealous of some of my college friends and of Garret. In the summer they go back to their parent's houses and stay there. Even if it is only for two days a week, I bet that feels really nice. Many of them have someone to do their laundry for them, cook for them, and take care of them. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my mom's house, crawl into my little twin bed and say goodnight. I wish I was back in high school. I wish my mom was still cooking me dinner, washing my clothes and yelling at me for staying up too late talking to Garret online. I am tired. I am tired of school, work, bills, friends, family. The list goes on. I have Garret and I thank God for that cause I don't know what I would do without him to help take some of the load. But there are still times when I just want to curl up in my bed and do nothing. Just let the world pass me by. Just rest. Summer is supposed to give me a break.

Why did I want to go to school anyway? I think there was something to do with bettering myself and giving myself an opportunity to earn more money. All it feels like I am really doing is bending over backwards trying to please my professors, my bosses at Staples and my self in an attempt to earn enough money to live on and a piece of paper that says I am certified to teach High School English. Seems like a lot of work for a job where the starting pay is around 19 or 20 thousand dollars. Don't get me wrong, that is more money than I have ever seen but it isn't a lot. And I feel like my work should be worth more than that.

I hung out with my friends Heather, Alice and Jenna tonight. I had a very good time. It was nice to seem them all again and the movie we saw was a good one. I had fun. I have missed them.

But I cried on the way home. Mostly because of the stuff above. And because I was just very sad. It might be hormones. And a little because I was coming home to an empty apartment. I thought about sleeping at my mom's but I didn't have clothes to wear tomorrow and the cat was sure to be missing me. Plus I am too proud. My mom and I get along so much better when I am living apart from her. She and fight like cats and dogs when we live together. it was part of the reason I moved out. I don't want to go back home even for one night just so I don't have to be alone. I was the one who wanted to be out on my own. I have stayed the night there a couple times but it was convenience and to visit. I don't want it to be because I am avoiding being alone.

I am sure there is more I could write tonight. Probably a lot more. But my head really hurts and I should be getting to sleep. I get to see Garret tomorrow. He will be coming home with me. I have missed him.

My Day

Shower
Get dressed
Blow Dry Hair
Have Lunch
Make Bed
Wash Dishes
Pay Bill
Send out Netflix disc
Scoop Litter
Take out trash
Go grocery shopping
Meet up with Heather, Alice and Jenna in Augusta
Have a very good time

I think I got everything.