Dear Jason,
I think if you were reading this letter you would be surprised. After all, I was already broken when we started dating. I think that probably had a lot to do with why you hurt so much. I was happy with you. I loved you. You never loved me.
You made me feel like I was deserving of love again but then you didn't really love me at all. You made me feel special and wonderful and desirable. Then you didn't want me. I just wasn't important enough. I didn't even make your top ten.
I understood that I came in second to school. We were in high school and we were both there because it was a stepping stone towards the lives we wanted. I understood that your friends and your family were important. They were important to me too. I even understood when you couldn't find time to spend 10 minutes talking to me before or after practice. I understood that basketball, soccer, track, chess club, latin club, math team, all of it was equally important to you.
You just didn't think I was important. I couldn't compete with all of that. And I didn't even try to. I just asked to be on the list of things and people that meant something to you. And you said, "I don't think I can give 100% to this relationship." I asked if I was important and demanded to know yes or no and you said, "Its not that black and white." I wasn't even asking you for more of your time. Just an acknowledgment that I was someone you cared for.
Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I let you know how i felt too soon. Maybe I didn't play it cool enough. Or maybe I just came off as too clingy. I don't know.
All I know for sure is that I will never let anyone make me feel like I don't matter again.
Thanks for showing me that I do matter.
Dani
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Day # 19 The Person That Pesters My Mind
Dear Isaac,
This letter has been coming for a while. Part of me thinks I shouldn't even be writing it. Writing it means admitting that I think about you. Writing it means admitting that not everything I think about you is bad. Much of what I think about are the good things. Those hurt more than the bad.
Good Things:
1) Books! I miss talking about books with you. I miss swapping books and ideas back and forth. I miss having long conversations about what we were reading and making suggestions of other things the other might enjoy.
2) The way it was always so fun to talk to you. You managed to challenge me intellectually while making me laugh.
3) Passing notes. I liked passing notes with you. It was fun. I kept them all for a very long time. I only recently threw them away in an attempt to forget about the past. But sometimes I don't think forgetting is a good idea.
4) Being friends. And being more than friends for a while. Before it got creepy, it was nice.
Bad Things:
1) Stalking me
2) Calling me names
3) Guilting me
4) The way we would fight, you would apologize, we would be distant for a while, everything would be better and then we would fight again sometimes about nothing. Sometimes we fought just because you were in a bad mood or because I was making you think about what could have been or because I was thinking about what could have been or because you were angry at how things were and I wanted to help you.
I go back and forth between the list of good things and bad things in my head. You seem to float in when I am not thinking about other things. Sometimes things remind me of you. Sometimes I am just thinking about high school. Sometimes you show up in my writing. But I wonder about you a lot.
I wonder if you are doing ok. I wonder if you are finally clean and back on your feet. I wonder if you know that I know about almost everything that happened to you after we stopped talking. I wonder if you know that what you did to yourself hurt me more than what you did to me and what we did to each other. I wonder if you know I considered you my best friend in high school right up until I realized that best friends don't treat each other as terribly as you treated me. I wonder if you knew I had nightmares about you. I wonder if you know I thought about leaving the state because of you. I wonder if you have wondered about me and if you are keeping an ear out for news of me as I am keeping an ear out for news of you.
Mostly I wonder if the good things are worth giving you another chance. Not a second chance but 1 millionth chance because we both know I gave you thousands before.
You say you have changed. You apologized. I am sorry I made you go through reliving what was going on, on my end before accepting that apology. But I wanted it to mean something. You have apologized so many times before and it has meant nothing. I want it to mean something. I want to know that you have genuinely grown as a person and genuinely want my forgiveness for what you did. I want to know that you want to work at being a better person and at treating me better. I want to know that if I let you back into my life you will never make me so afraid that I refuse to leave my house ever again.
But I can never really know and that scares me.
Before you I was always sure of people. Of their potential to be amazing. Before you I was sure of who to trust and who not to trust. I can no longer trust my instincts about this. I care about you. You were my best friend. I can not trust myself because I know that caring clouds my judgement.
I am still so afraid of your ability to make me hurt. Fear is supposed to be good because it makes us cautious. I was never cautious before you. And in some ways I miss who I was before you. In many ways I wish I could get her back.
That is when I wonder if I miss you or if I miss who I was when we were friends. Then I realize it is both.
I wish you could answer these questions for me. But I fear that only way for us to ever truly move on and be friends again is to relive our past. And if that goes badly I don't know if I can come back again. Do you know of another way? Is that what you want? Do you want to be my friend again? Is that why you apologized to me? Did you think that it would be easy? Or simple? Can you answer any of my questions better than I can? I wish you could.
Only More Confused Now
Dani
This letter has been coming for a while. Part of me thinks I shouldn't even be writing it. Writing it means admitting that I think about you. Writing it means admitting that not everything I think about you is bad. Much of what I think about are the good things. Those hurt more than the bad.
Good Things:
1) Books! I miss talking about books with you. I miss swapping books and ideas back and forth. I miss having long conversations about what we were reading and making suggestions of other things the other might enjoy.
2) The way it was always so fun to talk to you. You managed to challenge me intellectually while making me laugh.
3) Passing notes. I liked passing notes with you. It was fun. I kept them all for a very long time. I only recently threw them away in an attempt to forget about the past. But sometimes I don't think forgetting is a good idea.
4) Being friends. And being more than friends for a while. Before it got creepy, it was nice.
Bad Things:
1) Stalking me
2) Calling me names
3) Guilting me
4) The way we would fight, you would apologize, we would be distant for a while, everything would be better and then we would fight again sometimes about nothing. Sometimes we fought just because you were in a bad mood or because I was making you think about what could have been or because I was thinking about what could have been or because you were angry at how things were and I wanted to help you.
I go back and forth between the list of good things and bad things in my head. You seem to float in when I am not thinking about other things. Sometimes things remind me of you. Sometimes I am just thinking about high school. Sometimes you show up in my writing. But I wonder about you a lot.
I wonder if you are doing ok. I wonder if you are finally clean and back on your feet. I wonder if you know that I know about almost everything that happened to you after we stopped talking. I wonder if you know that what you did to yourself hurt me more than what you did to me and what we did to each other. I wonder if you know I considered you my best friend in high school right up until I realized that best friends don't treat each other as terribly as you treated me. I wonder if you knew I had nightmares about you. I wonder if you know I thought about leaving the state because of you. I wonder if you have wondered about me and if you are keeping an ear out for news of me as I am keeping an ear out for news of you.
Mostly I wonder if the good things are worth giving you another chance. Not a second chance but 1 millionth chance because we both know I gave you thousands before.
You say you have changed. You apologized. I am sorry I made you go through reliving what was going on, on my end before accepting that apology. But I wanted it to mean something. You have apologized so many times before and it has meant nothing. I want it to mean something. I want to know that you have genuinely grown as a person and genuinely want my forgiveness for what you did. I want to know that you want to work at being a better person and at treating me better. I want to know that if I let you back into my life you will never make me so afraid that I refuse to leave my house ever again.
But I can never really know and that scares me.
Before you I was always sure of people. Of their potential to be amazing. Before you I was sure of who to trust and who not to trust. I can no longer trust my instincts about this. I care about you. You were my best friend. I can not trust myself because I know that caring clouds my judgement.
I am still so afraid of your ability to make me hurt. Fear is supposed to be good because it makes us cautious. I was never cautious before you. And in some ways I miss who I was before you. In many ways I wish I could get her back.
That is when I wonder if I miss you or if I miss who I was when we were friends. Then I realize it is both.
I wish you could answer these questions for me. But I fear that only way for us to ever truly move on and be friends again is to relive our past. And if that goes badly I don't know if I can come back again. Do you know of another way? Is that what you want? Do you want to be my friend again? Is that why you apologized to me? Did you think that it would be easy? Or simple? Can you answer any of my questions better than I can? I wish you could.
Only More Confused Now
Dani
Day #18 The Person I Wish I Could Be
Dear Me,
You are so kind and respectful of everyone. You never feel anger or hatred towards anyone. I love that you are able to see people for who they are and accept them unconditionally. I love that you never react with violence or anger but always with kindness. You bring out the best in people. I am not sure how you do it.
And you always do it while looking your best. You are always your best no matter what. You never have a day when you are too angry and sad to deal with people in the way that they should be dealt with. You never take things out on people who don't deserve it. You are never tired or lonely or feeling particularly anti-social. You always seem to be exactly where you should be.
You never get tired of your family. You never feel angry at your mother for constantly nagging you, or at your father for not showing any real interest in anything you do at school. You never feel hurt that your grandmother can be so old fashioned and set in her ways or frustrated by your step-father's many ways of not seeing the larger picture. You always stand up for your step-mom and your dad when your mom or others are trash talking them. And you always recognize the ways that your mother tries to manipulate you and manage to navigate them without feeling guilty.
You also manage to keep yourself and your apartment clean. You are more healthy now than you have been in ages. You eat right, go to the gym regularly and take care of yourself. All while making everyone else feel that they come first. How you manage to do all of this and get your school work done is a completely mystery to me.
You also never neglect your own personal writing or the books you want to read. You still manage to find time for persuing your own interests. Often I feel like there must be 10 of you or maybe you just no longer sleep. However, you are doing it. Please keep on.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Wishes She Were You
You are so kind and respectful of everyone. You never feel anger or hatred towards anyone. I love that you are able to see people for who they are and accept them unconditionally. I love that you never react with violence or anger but always with kindness. You bring out the best in people. I am not sure how you do it.
And you always do it while looking your best. You are always your best no matter what. You never have a day when you are too angry and sad to deal with people in the way that they should be dealt with. You never take things out on people who don't deserve it. You are never tired or lonely or feeling particularly anti-social. You always seem to be exactly where you should be.
You never get tired of your family. You never feel angry at your mother for constantly nagging you, or at your father for not showing any real interest in anything you do at school. You never feel hurt that your grandmother can be so old fashioned and set in her ways or frustrated by your step-father's many ways of not seeing the larger picture. You always stand up for your step-mom and your dad when your mom or others are trash talking them. And you always recognize the ways that your mother tries to manipulate you and manage to navigate them without feeling guilty.
You also manage to keep yourself and your apartment clean. You are more healthy now than you have been in ages. You eat right, go to the gym regularly and take care of yourself. All while making everyone else feel that they come first. How you manage to do all of this and get your school work done is a completely mystery to me.
You also never neglect your own personal writing or the books you want to read. You still manage to find time for persuing your own interests. Often I feel like there must be 10 of you or maybe you just no longer sleep. However, you are doing it. Please keep on.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Wishes She Were You
Day # 17 Someone From My Childhood
Dear Coty,
If there was ever one relationship in my life that has never changed, ever, it would be my friendship with you. Our interests growing up included, the Titanic, acting, Harry Potter, writing, traveling and the outdoors. In some ways these have changed but we are still best friends. Better than that we are best cousins!
I wish that we had had our chance to go to school together. I think we would have had a lot of fun doing plays together and traveling. But in many ways I am glad that we didn't. In this way it is only natural that we should have different friends and some differing interests. It means that we got to grow up together without feeling like we grew apart.
And we haven't grown apart. Whenever we hang out we are able to pick up our friendship exactly where we left off. The old jokes and stories are still just as funny. We still need to compare notes on people we both know. We still find the same books, movies and plays interesting. Although, I am not nearly as interested in broadway show tunes as you are, I can see why you like them so much.
It seems though that I have always been destined to go the way of the artist or the starving teacher and you to go towards science. We both want to help people but you want to be financial stable. No one can blame you. No one can blame you for going to school out of state either. I wish I had had the courage and ability to do so. I am extremely jealous of the places you have been. But i am glad that you allow me to live vicariously through you a little bit.
I hope that we stay friends for the rest of our lives. You were my first confidant and still are the person I tell most everything to.
Lots of Love
Dani
If there was ever one relationship in my life that has never changed, ever, it would be my friendship with you. Our interests growing up included, the Titanic, acting, Harry Potter, writing, traveling and the outdoors. In some ways these have changed but we are still best friends. Better than that we are best cousins!
I wish that we had had our chance to go to school together. I think we would have had a lot of fun doing plays together and traveling. But in many ways I am glad that we didn't. In this way it is only natural that we should have different friends and some differing interests. It means that we got to grow up together without feeling like we grew apart.
And we haven't grown apart. Whenever we hang out we are able to pick up our friendship exactly where we left off. The old jokes and stories are still just as funny. We still need to compare notes on people we both know. We still find the same books, movies and plays interesting. Although, I am not nearly as interested in broadway show tunes as you are, I can see why you like them so much.
It seems though that I have always been destined to go the way of the artist or the starving teacher and you to go towards science. We both want to help people but you want to be financial stable. No one can blame you. No one can blame you for going to school out of state either. I wish I had had the courage and ability to do so. I am extremely jealous of the places you have been. But i am glad that you allow me to live vicariously through you a little bit.
I hope that we stay friends for the rest of our lives. You were my first confidant and still are the person I tell most everything to.
Lots of Love
Dani
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Where Bullies Come From
"Dear America, when you tell gay Americans that they can't serve their country openly or marry the person that they love, you're telling that to kids too. So don't be shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torturing young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they're different. They learned it ...from watching you."
~Sarah Silverman~
~Sarah Silverman~
Day #16 Someone That Isn't in My State or Country
Dear Justy (yes, Justy deal with it, I am not calling you Justin),
How is Florida? You were the only person I could think that I know who lives in another state. Thus why I am writing this letter to you. That and you were a pretty awesome cousin. We weren't nearly as close as Coty and I were growing up but I like to think that you and I are still friends.
I hope you know that I am proud of you. I am proud of you for finding someone you really care about and being willing to go anywhere to be with them. I am proud of you for knowing that maybe college wasn't for you and making the choice to do something harder, enter the work force. I am proud of you for leaving the state. It was really brave of you to stroke out on your own like that and try to live somewhere new and foreign to you. I hope you know that all of your family is proud of you too. You have some guts.
I don't know that I will ever live somewhere other than Maine. I genuinely like it here. I like the snow and the summers. I like the water. I like the woods especially. They always seem so dark and foreboding until you really get to know them. In some ways, Maine still feels wildly untamed. Maybe though, I could go stay for a little while in some other place. Montana maybe. Or maybe I could try a big city. I do know that even if I don't live somewhere else, I want to travel. I want visit as many states as I can. Maybe some day I will come visit you in Florida. You make it sound amazing from everything you post on Facebook.
Anyway, this letter is for you, Jutsty. I just wanted to say that I am proud of you for being brave enough to try something new.
Hugs and maybe some love (just kidding, definitely some love)
Dani
How is Florida? You were the only person I could think that I know who lives in another state. Thus why I am writing this letter to you. That and you were a pretty awesome cousin. We weren't nearly as close as Coty and I were growing up but I like to think that you and I are still friends.
I hope you know that I am proud of you. I am proud of you for finding someone you really care about and being willing to go anywhere to be with them. I am proud of you for knowing that maybe college wasn't for you and making the choice to do something harder, enter the work force. I am proud of you for leaving the state. It was really brave of you to stroke out on your own like that and try to live somewhere new and foreign to you. I hope you know that all of your family is proud of you too. You have some guts.
I don't know that I will ever live somewhere other than Maine. I genuinely like it here. I like the snow and the summers. I like the water. I like the woods especially. They always seem so dark and foreboding until you really get to know them. In some ways, Maine still feels wildly untamed. Maybe though, I could go stay for a little while in some other place. Montana maybe. Or maybe I could try a big city. I do know that even if I don't live somewhere else, I want to travel. I want visit as many states as I can. Maybe some day I will come visit you in Florida. You make it sound amazing from everything you post on Facebook.
Anyway, this letter is for you, Jutsty. I just wanted to say that I am proud of you for being brave enough to try something new.
Hugs and maybe some love (just kidding, definitely some love)
Dani
Day #15 The Person I Miss the Most
Dear Dad,
Yeah, I miss you. And it is really all my fault. I went to school in Farmington, 2 hours away from you and an hour from mom. I took a job in Augusta, making it even easier to see mom more than I see you. I never try to visit on weekends any more. I just go to work, do homework and spend time with Garret. I see you on holidays and rarely in between. We don't really talk. I am not good with phones and neither are you. You are no good with Facebook despite having one and so there is not much communication there. I no longer have TV and even if I did I work every Sunday that the football games are on. Otherwise I am sure we would be texting back and forth about the game every Sunday.
I miss Patriots football, peanut butter brownies, bon fires, four-wheelers, hiking in the woods, trail clearing, working on the car, watching tv and movies together and chess games.
Plain and simple. I miss you, dad and it is all my fault.
Love You to the Moon and Back Again
Dani
Yeah, I miss you. And it is really all my fault. I went to school in Farmington, 2 hours away from you and an hour from mom. I took a job in Augusta, making it even easier to see mom more than I see you. I never try to visit on weekends any more. I just go to work, do homework and spend time with Garret. I see you on holidays and rarely in between. We don't really talk. I am not good with phones and neither are you. You are no good with Facebook despite having one and so there is not much communication there. I no longer have TV and even if I did I work every Sunday that the football games are on. Otherwise I am sure we would be texting back and forth about the game every Sunday.
I miss Patriots football, peanut butter brownies, bon fires, four-wheelers, hiking in the woods, trail clearing, working on the car, watching tv and movies together and chess games.
Plain and simple. I miss you, dad and it is all my fault.
Love You to the Moon and Back Again
Dani
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