When I look back at the last 4 years of my life I'm disappointed. College was supposed to be hard work but it was also supposed to be fun and exciting, a new adventure. There was plenty of hard work but where was the adventure?
December of my last year I had my heartbroken. I thought it was the end of me. It was an end but not the one I thought. It was the end of being held back. And it was the beginning of a whole new adventure. Sure I lost a boy. But I gained back my freedom, my independence, my zest for life, my thirst for adventure.
When I look back at the last 4 years I see so many missed opportunities. When I look ahead, into my future, I see a second chance. I see possibilities. And I intend to hold onto them no matter what. I intend to take advantage of every opportunity. I intend to enjoy myself and have the most fun of my entire life.
After all, you only live once, right?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Dream Unit
Dear Sir,
At my interview you asked me what I would teach if money were no object, if I could teach anything in the world. Realize now that my answer was lame. Yes, I would certainly love to teach the Hunger Games but now I don’t think I was thinking big enough. If I could sir I would teach a unit on Romantic poets. The unit would have students reading Wordsworth, Clare, and Shelley while traveling the English countryside. We would stop at all of these poets’ favorite outdoor haunts and while at each spot the students would be required to write a journal entry recording their thoughts and feelings. At the end of the trip they would be required to submit their journals and 5 poems, each poem written on a different stop on the trip. The trip would give the students a chance to see what it is these poets were feeling when they wrote their poetry. It would open them up to the changing landscape and the never ending struggle by conservationists to save it as well as the life of the everyday person.
Once we returned to school I would follow this unit with a unit over American transcendentalism. This would show them how this movement grew out of the English Romantic poetry but also the many differences. We would read Emerson, Thoreau, and the more modern transcendentalist, Annie Dillard. If I had the money still this unit would be followed by a trip to Waldo Pond, Mount Katahdin, and Tinker Creek so that students could compare this countryside to the English one. Perhaps they would see that the differences between transcendentalism and the romantics have to do with the differences in landscapes.
Sometimes to grasp what we see on paper we need to see what inspired it for ourselves.
Sincerely,
Ms. Danielle Terrill
At my interview you asked me what I would teach if money were no object, if I could teach anything in the world. Realize now that my answer was lame. Yes, I would certainly love to teach the Hunger Games but now I don’t think I was thinking big enough. If I could sir I would teach a unit on Romantic poets. The unit would have students reading Wordsworth, Clare, and Shelley while traveling the English countryside. We would stop at all of these poets’ favorite outdoor haunts and while at each spot the students would be required to write a journal entry recording their thoughts and feelings. At the end of the trip they would be required to submit their journals and 5 poems, each poem written on a different stop on the trip. The trip would give the students a chance to see what it is these poets were feeling when they wrote their poetry. It would open them up to the changing landscape and the never ending struggle by conservationists to save it as well as the life of the everyday person.
Once we returned to school I would follow this unit with a unit over American transcendentalism. This would show them how this movement grew out of the English Romantic poetry but also the many differences. We would read Emerson, Thoreau, and the more modern transcendentalist, Annie Dillard. If I had the money still this unit would be followed by a trip to Waldo Pond, Mount Katahdin, and Tinker Creek so that students could compare this countryside to the English one. Perhaps they would see that the differences between transcendentalism and the romantics have to do with the differences in landscapes.
Sometimes to grasp what we see on paper we need to see what inspired it for ourselves.
Sincerely,
Ms. Danielle Terrill
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Fear of the Unknowable
I’m scared. Plain and simple, I’m afraid. I have spent so much time working on this dream of mine and now I feel stuck. I can’t seem to take the next step. I’m afraid to move forward. I am afraid to leave behind the comfort of what I know. I am afraid of that great big expanse of unknowable space that stretches out before me.
At the same time I am afraid to stay where I am. I am afraid of becoming stationary,
comfortable. I am afraid I will no longer push myself towards that goal. There is so much in my life I want to do and I have only just gotten back so many opportunities. I am afraid I am not doing enough to take advantage of them; to push for them.
And I’m tired. I have been battling this fear for so long now. Everything before was new. New town, new school, new job. How many times have I moved? How many times have I set out somewhere new? How many bright new beginnings where I was nervous?
The fact that I have thus far beaten back that fear every time and have faced down the new challenge before me only makes me more afraid. Maybe this will be the time I’m not enough. Maybe this will be the time I fail. Maybe this will be the time the fear wins.
Everything in life is a battle. The world gives nothing away for free. Nothing worth having anyway.
At the same time I am afraid to stay where I am. I am afraid of becoming stationary,
comfortable. I am afraid I will no longer push myself towards that goal. There is so much in my life I want to do and I have only just gotten back so many opportunities. I am afraid I am not doing enough to take advantage of them; to push for them.
And I’m tired. I have been battling this fear for so long now. Everything before was new. New town, new school, new job. How many times have I moved? How many times have I set out somewhere new? How many bright new beginnings where I was nervous?
The fact that I have thus far beaten back that fear every time and have faced down the new challenge before me only makes me more afraid. Maybe this will be the time I’m not enough. Maybe this will be the time I fail. Maybe this will be the time the fear wins.
Everything in life is a battle. The world gives nothing away for free. Nothing worth having anyway.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Life Update
I had 136 posts in this blog in 2010. So far in 2011 I have had 17. And the year is halfway over. I have obviously been busy. I didn't post a single thing in May. I graduated from college and didn't post one word about it. Maybe it is time for a short update.
Got dumped, had a very shitty time with it, started student teaching, started dating around, met a new boy, fell in love, graduated from college, moved into a one bedroom apartment near my brother in August, been busy applying for teaching jobs. You could probably figure most of this out from my random postings and because most of the people who read this know exactly what is going on in my life. I am actually not sure if anyone reads this. I used to know that at least two people were reading every post. Now I don't think anyone is. Maybe that is good. I mostly write here for myself. I was keeping a blog while I was student teaching. That was more for others to read as well as to help me reflect. I may continue to write in that blog if I get a job. I think it is important for teachers to reflect on their teaching.
Anyway, I have been looking for a job. I applied to 6 places so far. 2 have now gotten back to me. They didn't want to interview me. Part of me wonders if there wasn't something I could have done better in order to get the interviews. Part of me thinks that they just weren't good fits. Part of me thinks it was just because I haven't got any teaching experience yet. Part of me thinks I may never get a job. I have come so far. It would suck to fail now. What did I go to school for if not to teach? What have I been doing the past 4 years except working my ass of so that I could afford to go to school? It is frustrating to apply. It is hard. There is a lot that goes into each little packet that I send out. They could at least bring me in for an interview.
All I can really do is continue applying to schools and hope that one of them wants to hire me. There will be new openings as the summer progresses and maybe some of the people in the interviews won't pan out and I will get called after all. You never know. The important thing is that I am doing all I can do to try and get a job.
Until then I am working at Staples, seeing my family and friends whenever I can, reading a lot of books and visiting with my new boyfriend who ironically happens to be named Garrett. Everything and nothing changes in life. Garrett is nothing like Garret. Except their names sound alike. I have never met a guy who cares more about me than anything else. He cares about people in general more than anything else. His mom, his brother, his friends, me, the residents at the place he works at. If his heart got any bigger there wouldn't be room enough for it in his chest.
And he is sweet. And romantic. He leaves me youtube videos of songs he thinks I'll like on my Facebook wall. He tells me I'm beautiful. He buys me Reeses when I'm having a bad day. He remembers things I tell him. Like my favorite candy, my favorite smell, my favorite flower, my birthday, my favorite movie, my friends' names. He impresses every one he meets. He impresses me. He makes me laugh. He makes faces with me, plays with me, makes noises with me, speaks in funny voices with me. He never makes me feel small, or stupid. He likes when I talk about teaching, which while I was student teaching I did a lot. He likes that I am passionate about something and spends his time listening, not ridiculing my methods. He likes that I go out of my way for my friends. He likes that I would go out of my way for him if he ever needed me to.
I love the way he looks at me. Like I'm something special. It isn't a half bemused, half curious look. Its that small gentle smile that says, "I love you," "I'm so happy you're here," and "Wow. How did I get so lucky?"
I guess you could say that overall, life is different. Drastically different. Some of it is still hard, like the job hunt. But many parts are looking up again. And I'm hopeful.
Got dumped, had a very shitty time with it, started student teaching, started dating around, met a new boy, fell in love, graduated from college, moved into a one bedroom apartment near my brother in August, been busy applying for teaching jobs. You could probably figure most of this out from my random postings and because most of the people who read this know exactly what is going on in my life. I am actually not sure if anyone reads this. I used to know that at least two people were reading every post. Now I don't think anyone is. Maybe that is good. I mostly write here for myself. I was keeping a blog while I was student teaching. That was more for others to read as well as to help me reflect. I may continue to write in that blog if I get a job. I think it is important for teachers to reflect on their teaching.
Anyway, I have been looking for a job. I applied to 6 places so far. 2 have now gotten back to me. They didn't want to interview me. Part of me wonders if there wasn't something I could have done better in order to get the interviews. Part of me thinks that they just weren't good fits. Part of me thinks it was just because I haven't got any teaching experience yet. Part of me thinks I may never get a job. I have come so far. It would suck to fail now. What did I go to school for if not to teach? What have I been doing the past 4 years except working my ass of so that I could afford to go to school? It is frustrating to apply. It is hard. There is a lot that goes into each little packet that I send out. They could at least bring me in for an interview.
All I can really do is continue applying to schools and hope that one of them wants to hire me. There will be new openings as the summer progresses and maybe some of the people in the interviews won't pan out and I will get called after all. You never know. The important thing is that I am doing all I can do to try and get a job.
Until then I am working at Staples, seeing my family and friends whenever I can, reading a lot of books and visiting with my new boyfriend who ironically happens to be named Garrett. Everything and nothing changes in life. Garrett is nothing like Garret. Except their names sound alike. I have never met a guy who cares more about me than anything else. He cares about people in general more than anything else. His mom, his brother, his friends, me, the residents at the place he works at. If his heart got any bigger there wouldn't be room enough for it in his chest.
And he is sweet. And romantic. He leaves me youtube videos of songs he thinks I'll like on my Facebook wall. He tells me I'm beautiful. He buys me Reeses when I'm having a bad day. He remembers things I tell him. Like my favorite candy, my favorite smell, my favorite flower, my birthday, my favorite movie, my friends' names. He impresses every one he meets. He impresses me. He makes me laugh. He makes faces with me, plays with me, makes noises with me, speaks in funny voices with me. He never makes me feel small, or stupid. He likes when I talk about teaching, which while I was student teaching I did a lot. He likes that I am passionate about something and spends his time listening, not ridiculing my methods. He likes that I go out of my way for my friends. He likes that I would go out of my way for him if he ever needed me to.
I love the way he looks at me. Like I'm something special. It isn't a half bemused, half curious look. Its that small gentle smile that says, "I love you," "I'm so happy you're here," and "Wow. How did I get so lucky?"
I guess you could say that overall, life is different. Drastically different. Some of it is still hard, like the job hunt. But many parts are looking up again. And I'm hopeful.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Three Little Unspoken Words
Blue eyes stare into brown ones,
Gentle smiles break over faces,
The music starts, the screen cuts to black.
Behind closed doors
A hand caresses an ear through long hair.
And they’re dancing among the stars.
Nothing is said,
Nothing needs to be said.
Three little words
hang heavy in the air.
It’s on their lips,
in their eyes,
twinkling in her hair.
Eyes meet
And at that moment
She knows
And he knows.
Gentle smiles break over faces,
The music starts, the screen cuts to black.
Behind closed doors
A hand caresses an ear through long hair.
And they’re dancing among the stars.
Nothing is said,
Nothing needs to be said.
Three little words
hang heavy in the air.
It’s on their lips,
in their eyes,
twinkling in her hair.
Eyes meet
And at that moment
She knows
And he knows.
I Never Mattered
My life is supposed to be lived. One of the things I originally loved about teaching was the many possibilities and opportunities that would be available to me. I could spend my fall and winter teaching, putting new ideas and sparking inspiration in the youth. Then my late springs and summers could be spent in any way I wanted to. I could travel. I could go back to school. I could try my hand at some more acting. I could write my novel or my poetry.
There are so many things I want to do with my life. So many experiences I want to have, places I want to see, books I want to write, stories I want to share. But somehow I got trapped. I have felt myself settling down for years now. I began to picture my life very differently. I knew I wanted all these experiences and I wanted to be a mom someday. I thought I had found the man I would spend the rest of my life with. The problem was he didn’t want the same things in life that I did. He didn’t care about the experiences I wanted to have. I began to think I would eventually have to choose between a life with him or the life I had dreamed I would have. I was willing to pick him.
I knew it was going to come down to kids or traveling. He talked about having kids like it was some kind of financial burden and not creating new life. Everything that placed more responsibility on him was something to shrink from. He didn’t have a car because he didn’t want to pay for the insurance, the gas, and the repairs. He didn’t want an apartment until he realized it would be cheaper than a dorm room. He didn’t want to have kids because for 18 years you had to think of them and no one else.
I wonder if he ever once thought of someone else. I thought he did. He took care of me when I was sick. I thought that meant he cared. He got me out of a bad situation with bad roommates. But I would never have been in that situation in the first place if I had thought he would move in with just me. He wrote me a love story in the very beginning. A story about a boy who was in love with a girl but he didn’t think he could have her because he didn’t think he deserved that kind of happiness. But eventually they both figure it out and their love is beautiful. Self-sacrificing even. He kills himself at the end of the story. I should have taken that as a hint.
I made a list of all the most explicit rules. There were 18.
1) No changing with Mel in the room.
2) No kissing Jewels or Mel.
3) No letting Jewels play with my boobs.
4) No slapping friends’ butts or letting them slap mine.
5) No kissing Garret’s chin.
6) No French kissing.
7) No kissing after my mouth has been on his penis.
8) No sending him naked pictures of myself.
9) No kissing in the shower.
10) No being loud during sex.
11) Danielle must wipe her feet off before getting in the bed.
12) No pants on in the bed.
13) No having the heating pad on during the night.
14) Danielle must be willing to remove shirt when Garret comes to bed.
15) Danielle must brush teeth before bed no matter how late Garret keeps her awake.
16) Danielle must have a logical reason for all of her feelings.
17) No stuffed animals in the bed.
18) No more than the one pillow in the bed.
The best gift he ever got me he didn’t even pick out himself. My brother picked it out and then money exchanged hands.
He told me I was perfect. He told me he loved me. He told me he would love me for forever. He told me I was the one. He took it back. He told me I was beautiful. He told me I was pretty. He told me he liked smaller boobs but he liked mine. He told me my attachment to him was unhealthy. He stopped kissing me. He told me he didn’t know he had stopped kissing me but it was because he didn’t like tongue. He told me he wanted me to be happy. He told me he was going out of state for grad school. He told me he would get a car. He told me he changed his mind about going out of state so we could be together. He told me he was sorry for putting me through everything and he really did want to be with me. He told me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me some day. He told me we would get a place together in Orono and I would get a teaching job there. He told me he wanted to be engaged to me. He told me she looked like a horse. He told me they were just friends. He told me he wouldn’t ever date her. He told me he was worried that he might resent me because I was the only girl he had ever been intimate with. He told me I lied to him and he couldn’t forgive that after all. He told me it was eating away at him and maybe there was something there I needed to explore. He told me we would take the night and the next day to think about it and then talk. He told me he loved me. He told me he thought it was for the best. He told me they were just going on a few dates to see what it was like. Facebook told me they were in a relationship.
They say actions speak louder than words. If that is the case then I should never have believed a God damn thing he said. Since then I have knowingly used guys and allowed myself to be used by guys. I never felt more used than when I was with him. If I wasn’t talking to him then he wanted me to talk to him. If I talked to him about the things I loved he tore them apart until I cried. If I wanted him, he didn’t want me. If I didn’t want him, he wanted me and it didn’t matter what the fuck I wanted. What I wanted, what I loved, what I cared about never mattered to him. I never counted as anything more than another accomplishment. I was there. And I was easy. And I was vulnerable because I loved him and would do anything to keep him. He wouldn’t do the same for me. And I knew it. Why do we keep giving when we shouldn’t? When we should give up?
There are so many things I want to do with my life. So many experiences I want to have, places I want to see, books I want to write, stories I want to share. But somehow I got trapped. I have felt myself settling down for years now. I began to picture my life very differently. I knew I wanted all these experiences and I wanted to be a mom someday. I thought I had found the man I would spend the rest of my life with. The problem was he didn’t want the same things in life that I did. He didn’t care about the experiences I wanted to have. I began to think I would eventually have to choose between a life with him or the life I had dreamed I would have. I was willing to pick him.
I knew it was going to come down to kids or traveling. He talked about having kids like it was some kind of financial burden and not creating new life. Everything that placed more responsibility on him was something to shrink from. He didn’t have a car because he didn’t want to pay for the insurance, the gas, and the repairs. He didn’t want an apartment until he realized it would be cheaper than a dorm room. He didn’t want to have kids because for 18 years you had to think of them and no one else.
I wonder if he ever once thought of someone else. I thought he did. He took care of me when I was sick. I thought that meant he cared. He got me out of a bad situation with bad roommates. But I would never have been in that situation in the first place if I had thought he would move in with just me. He wrote me a love story in the very beginning. A story about a boy who was in love with a girl but he didn’t think he could have her because he didn’t think he deserved that kind of happiness. But eventually they both figure it out and their love is beautiful. Self-sacrificing even. He kills himself at the end of the story. I should have taken that as a hint.
I made a list of all the most explicit rules. There were 18.
1) No changing with Mel in the room.
2) No kissing Jewels or Mel.
3) No letting Jewels play with my boobs.
4) No slapping friends’ butts or letting them slap mine.
5) No kissing Garret’s chin.
6) No French kissing.
7) No kissing after my mouth has been on his penis.
8) No sending him naked pictures of myself.
9) No kissing in the shower.
10) No being loud during sex.
11) Danielle must wipe her feet off before getting in the bed.
12) No pants on in the bed.
13) No having the heating pad on during the night.
14) Danielle must be willing to remove shirt when Garret comes to bed.
15) Danielle must brush teeth before bed no matter how late Garret keeps her awake.
16) Danielle must have a logical reason for all of her feelings.
17) No stuffed animals in the bed.
18) No more than the one pillow in the bed.
The best gift he ever got me he didn’t even pick out himself. My brother picked it out and then money exchanged hands.
He told me I was perfect. He told me he loved me. He told me he would love me for forever. He told me I was the one. He took it back. He told me I was beautiful. He told me I was pretty. He told me he liked smaller boobs but he liked mine. He told me my attachment to him was unhealthy. He stopped kissing me. He told me he didn’t know he had stopped kissing me but it was because he didn’t like tongue. He told me he wanted me to be happy. He told me he was going out of state for grad school. He told me he would get a car. He told me he changed his mind about going out of state so we could be together. He told me he was sorry for putting me through everything and he really did want to be with me. He told me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me some day. He told me we would get a place together in Orono and I would get a teaching job there. He told me he wanted to be engaged to me. He told me she looked like a horse. He told me they were just friends. He told me he wouldn’t ever date her. He told me he was worried that he might resent me because I was the only girl he had ever been intimate with. He told me I lied to him and he couldn’t forgive that after all. He told me it was eating away at him and maybe there was something there I needed to explore. He told me we would take the night and the next day to think about it and then talk. He told me he loved me. He told me he thought it was for the best. He told me they were just going on a few dates to see what it was like. Facebook told me they were in a relationship.
They say actions speak louder than words. If that is the case then I should never have believed a God damn thing he said. Since then I have knowingly used guys and allowed myself to be used by guys. I never felt more used than when I was with him. If I wasn’t talking to him then he wanted me to talk to him. If I talked to him about the things I loved he tore them apart until I cried. If I wanted him, he didn’t want me. If I didn’t want him, he wanted me and it didn’t matter what the fuck I wanted. What I wanted, what I loved, what I cared about never mattered to him. I never counted as anything more than another accomplishment. I was there. And I was easy. And I was vulnerable because I loved him and would do anything to keep him. He wouldn’t do the same for me. And I knew it. Why do we keep giving when we shouldn’t? When we should give up?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
She Does, She Doesn't
Reasons to Say I Love You
-I love you
-I want you to know
-It will make you happy
-It will make me happy
Reasons to Not Say I Love You
-I don't know what will happen after May
-I don't want to hurt you
-How do I know I mean it?
-It can never be unsaid
I know I am happy when I m with you. I know that I think about you everyday. I know I never want to stop talking to you. I know I have never met someone who felt the same way I do about books, politics, movies, and people. I know I get nervous and excited before I see you. I know that first kiss and every kiss since then has made my heart flutter. I know I like you. I know I more than like you. I know I am holding back. I know I want to say it. But I don't want to break your heart.
-I love you
-I want you to know
-It will make you happy
-It will make me happy
Reasons to Not Say I Love You
-I don't know what will happen after May
-I don't want to hurt you
-How do I know I mean it?
-It can never be unsaid
I know I am happy when I m with you. I know that I think about you everyday. I know I never want to stop talking to you. I know I have never met someone who felt the same way I do about books, politics, movies, and people. I know I get nervous and excited before I see you. I know that first kiss and every kiss since then has made my heart flutter. I know I like you. I know I more than like you. I know I am holding back. I know I want to say it. But I don't want to break your heart.
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