Well, I quit my job at Ruby Tuesdays. I took my job back at Staples. I decided that the money wasn't worth being miserable all the time. So I'm back to making enough to pay the bills barely. Garrett moved in here and that has helped some. It means I can pay my loans more easily. I still need to call FAME again. They want me to pay 75 dollars every month and that is just interest. I can't afford to do that. I'm hoping they can help me figure something else out.
In the mean time it is back to square one. Working at Staples and looking for teaching jobs. The hiring season is coming back around and I should have even more time to look now. I applied for some ed tech III jobs today and I put together a packet for a long term sub job at Bonny Eagle. I really hope I get one of them. I just want to teach. I love teaching.
I knew that pursuing this dream would be hard. I knew that teachers don't make a lot of money. I knew that I would be broke. I knew that there would be a lot of hard work to get the degree and education I would need in order to teach. No one told me how hard it would be to get the job. No one said that it might be year before I do. No one said that there were teachers out of school subbing and just waiting for an opening to come up in their district. I thought I would be competing with new grads and veteran teachers. I didn't know about the hordes of people waiting in line already. People who have been out of school for years just waiting to get a job in their area.
I often wonder if maybe I should do that. Everyone keeps asking me why I don't sub. I have been worried that if I do that then I won't have a steady pay check every week. I need to know what I will make so I can pay my bills. But maybe I could work at Staples on the weekends and sub during the week? Garrett is living here with me now though and I don't want to have to burden him with things like gas for my car, my car insurance or my student loans. Those bills are mine and mine alone. If I cut my hours at Staples down to 16 or so a week then I risk not always being able to pay those. It will depend on the circumstances. Then again I would have the chance to make 60 dollars a day subbing. That is more than I make at Staples some days.
I'm never sure any more what gives me the best chance of getting a job. I'm not sure how to keep taking care of myself. I know that my family is always there for me but right now I hate to ask any of them for help. I know they are going through even harder time than I am. If only I could see into the future...
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
Work
I can no longer work at Staples. For one thing I am tired of the politics that are involved in all retail jobs. For another I can no longer support myself on what I make there. I decided I would look for a new job and leave Staples. I found a new job.
Things moved really quickly. Ruby Tuesdays called me and asked me to come in for an interview. I did. They asked nothing about me, my past, my goals, or my experiences. I was informed that I would be working their salad bar and given a description of the job. Then I was given the job. I was asked to come in the next day for an orientation. I found myself giving my two weeks notice at Staples before going to the orientation. At the orientation I filled out all the necessary paperwork, went through the employee hand book and then immediately started training with an associate there.
I find that I am having major regrets involving my decision to take this job. It is no where near what I want to do. I want to teach. My mom and I did not work our butts off getting me into a good college so that I could work in the kitchen at some restaurant. I did not struggle through 4 years of school at the nations top college for education so that I could not use my degree.
I find myself washing bathrooms, scrubbing floors, doing dishes, cutting vegetables, making salads, running from one end of the kitchen to the other and I'm not even sure why. So that I can make some money? So I can keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in the car, lights on, and the creditors off my back? Is that really a good enough reason to settle for the first opportunity that comes along?
I know I should be happy to have a job at all. I know that I should be glad to be working and not out on the streets. I am happy to work. I don't mind hard work. I just feel so destroyed that I can't seem to make my dreams come true. Isn't getting the job supposed to be the easy part so long as I have the right kind of education and skill set?
My mom thinks that I don't like this new job because I feel like I am better than this. She is probably right. However, that just makes me even more upset and mad. When did I get so stubborn and proud? Don't I have any humility at all?
I worked at Ruby Tuesdays tonight. I was there till almost midnight. I'm sore all over. I feel like I smell vegetables and sweat. I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I went and spent money I shouldn't have to eat at Denny's because I have no groceries, they were open, and I just wanted to eat a meal I didn't have to prepare or clean up myself. I'm so tired I didn't want to cook or clean up. I was willing to pay the price. I have been on my feet all day.
I spent my night at work running to and fro. I barely talked to any one. My brain was else where. I was doing at least 3 things at the same time all night. The job is fast paced and it involves a lot of juggling. But no skills. There is absolutely nothing about it that is fun or interesting. At least at Staples it was fun to make free samples and to interact with new people. I barely interact with anyone at this job. I don't have time.
I keep telling myself that this is temporary. But every time I say there is this little voice in the back of my head that whispers, "Staples was just temporary when you started there too. You thought you'd get a job in Farmington." What if this isn't temporary? What if I am doing this for a while?
Needless to say I am not ceased my job hunt. I just want to find a job where I like at least one thing. Where I genuinely enjoy at least one aspect. At Staples it was creating things, the other employees, and getting to meet new people (the nice ones any way). Here, there isn't anything.
Things moved really quickly. Ruby Tuesdays called me and asked me to come in for an interview. I did. They asked nothing about me, my past, my goals, or my experiences. I was informed that I would be working their salad bar and given a description of the job. Then I was given the job. I was asked to come in the next day for an orientation. I found myself giving my two weeks notice at Staples before going to the orientation. At the orientation I filled out all the necessary paperwork, went through the employee hand book and then immediately started training with an associate there.
I find that I am having major regrets involving my decision to take this job. It is no where near what I want to do. I want to teach. My mom and I did not work our butts off getting me into a good college so that I could work in the kitchen at some restaurant. I did not struggle through 4 years of school at the nations top college for education so that I could not use my degree.
I find myself washing bathrooms, scrubbing floors, doing dishes, cutting vegetables, making salads, running from one end of the kitchen to the other and I'm not even sure why. So that I can make some money? So I can keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in the car, lights on, and the creditors off my back? Is that really a good enough reason to settle for the first opportunity that comes along?
I know I should be happy to have a job at all. I know that I should be glad to be working and not out on the streets. I am happy to work. I don't mind hard work. I just feel so destroyed that I can't seem to make my dreams come true. Isn't getting the job supposed to be the easy part so long as I have the right kind of education and skill set?
My mom thinks that I don't like this new job because I feel like I am better than this. She is probably right. However, that just makes me even more upset and mad. When did I get so stubborn and proud? Don't I have any humility at all?
I worked at Ruby Tuesdays tonight. I was there till almost midnight. I'm sore all over. I feel like I smell vegetables and sweat. I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I went and spent money I shouldn't have to eat at Denny's because I have no groceries, they were open, and I just wanted to eat a meal I didn't have to prepare or clean up myself. I'm so tired I didn't want to cook or clean up. I was willing to pay the price. I have been on my feet all day.
I spent my night at work running to and fro. I barely talked to any one. My brain was else where. I was doing at least 3 things at the same time all night. The job is fast paced and it involves a lot of juggling. But no skills. There is absolutely nothing about it that is fun or interesting. At least at Staples it was fun to make free samples and to interact with new people. I barely interact with anyone at this job. I don't have time.
I keep telling myself that this is temporary. But every time I say there is this little voice in the back of my head that whispers, "Staples was just temporary when you started there too. You thought you'd get a job in Farmington." What if this isn't temporary? What if I am doing this for a while?
Needless to say I am not ceased my job hunt. I just want to find a job where I like at least one thing. Where I genuinely enjoy at least one aspect. At Staples it was creating things, the other employees, and getting to meet new people (the nice ones any way). Here, there isn't anything.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Yes You Will
You will get a better job somewhere. You will continue to apply for teaching positions. You will get a teaching job some day. You will not give up. You are an amazing teacher and you just need to find the right school. Someone somewhere will see this and hire you. You did not go to school for so long and work so hard to give up after looking for 7 months. You have your computer back now and the teacher hiring season is coming back around. You will work harder and apply to more places.
You will do better.
You will do better.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Irrational
A long time ago I got hurt. This wouldn't be a big deal except he made me a promise. He promised to love me till the day I died, he promised to never end things with me, he promised that I was the one and always would be. Now a year after he broke all of those promises I no longer love him. I no longer want him. I no longer yearn for him to hold me in the middle of the night. But I'm still angry at him. I still hurt. Some days I imagine I will forgive him. I imagine unblocking him from Facebook. I imagine sending him a message and maybe trying to be friends. But then my stomach twists and my chest hurts and I realize that I am still angry and hurt.
I'm not even angry that he left me anymore. I know that I am happier now for it. No, the thing that hurts the most is the broken promises. The nights where I am home alone on my couch watching bad tv and wishing for someone to cuddle. The nights where I cry because work sucked or I got another rejection letter in the mail and there is no one to hold me. The nights where I'm sick and there is no one to hold my hair while I puke or make me soup or make me rest instead of cleaning. Those are the nights that I realize what I was holding onto so tightly was someone to take care of me the way that I took care of him. And then I hate him.
I hate him for making me weak. For making me feel like I need someone to help me through the hard times. I hate him for making me need someone and then taking that someone away.
I'm in this new relationship where I am extraordinarily happy. I'm happy because I have someone who loves me. I finally found someone who makes me feel more like myself. It feels like before with every other boy, I was pretending. Like I was trying to be someone who sort of resembled me but who really made them happy. I feel like I sacrificed a lot of things about myself to be with boys who didn't necessarily deserve me. And now I'm being me. Crazy, spontaneous, wacky, silly, me and he loves me. Encourages me even.
But I'm afraid. We have reached that point where things start to get serious. We start to make commitments, promises. I hear him saying them already. And I love it. I could see it. I could see this boy being the one. But I find myself hesitating. I don't want more broken promises. I don't see how this could end. How can you end a relationship where there is no fighting? Where we sometimes don't even finish a sentence and the other knows exactly what we mean. How can that be destroyed?
I don't know. But my experiences so far have told me that it doesn't last. I find myself looking for ways to hold onto him, to this feeling. To be sure that those promises we are making to each other can't be broken. I know though that that doesn't work. I can't hold on too tightly either.
I guess some fears, some feelings are just irrational.
I'm not even angry that he left me anymore. I know that I am happier now for it. No, the thing that hurts the most is the broken promises. The nights where I am home alone on my couch watching bad tv and wishing for someone to cuddle. The nights where I cry because work sucked or I got another rejection letter in the mail and there is no one to hold me. The nights where I'm sick and there is no one to hold my hair while I puke or make me soup or make me rest instead of cleaning. Those are the nights that I realize what I was holding onto so tightly was someone to take care of me the way that I took care of him. And then I hate him.
I hate him for making me weak. For making me feel like I need someone to help me through the hard times. I hate him for making me need someone and then taking that someone away.
I'm in this new relationship where I am extraordinarily happy. I'm happy because I have someone who loves me. I finally found someone who makes me feel more like myself. It feels like before with every other boy, I was pretending. Like I was trying to be someone who sort of resembled me but who really made them happy. I feel like I sacrificed a lot of things about myself to be with boys who didn't necessarily deserve me. And now I'm being me. Crazy, spontaneous, wacky, silly, me and he loves me. Encourages me even.
But I'm afraid. We have reached that point where things start to get serious. We start to make commitments, promises. I hear him saying them already. And I love it. I could see it. I could see this boy being the one. But I find myself hesitating. I don't want more broken promises. I don't see how this could end. How can you end a relationship where there is no fighting? Where we sometimes don't even finish a sentence and the other knows exactly what we mean. How can that be destroyed?
I don't know. But my experiences so far have told me that it doesn't last. I find myself looking for ways to hold onto him, to this feeling. To be sure that those promises we are making to each other can't be broken. I know though that that doesn't work. I can't hold on too tightly either.
I guess some fears, some feelings are just irrational.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Nothing Is Impossible
It has been almost a year. December 9, 2010. About ten more days. Wow. Things are definitely different for me now.
I spend my days at work, with friends or chilling out at home watching tv on the internet. No more homework, no more classes, no more Farmington or school. I'm a college graduate who blew her supervisors and mentors away with her performance during her student teaching. I still haven't found the job of my dreams but I'm looking and I'm getting closer every day.
I no longer worry that the man I love is going to move away from me and go to grad school somewhere so far away that I won't be able to follow. Now I worry that I will be the one moving away. However, I have faith in the one I love and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this new relationship work.
The world doesn't seem as cut and dry. It isn't about occasionally eating out, going to the movies, and cuddling on the couch. It is much more alive and interesting. There are still days spent watching netflix and not bothering to put on real clothes but now there are also road trips, game nights, parties, weddings, yard work, birthdays, graduations, movies, the mall, the beach, exploring, hiking, live shows, music, festivals, pirates, adventures, and so much more. The list grows every day.
My life is looking more and more like me every day. It is looking more like how I always wanted to live it. Fun, exciting, a little spontaneous, happy and busy. The world seems to have gotten bigger. The possibilities seem endless.
If there is one thing I learned in the past year it's that nothing is impossible.
I spend my days at work, with friends or chilling out at home watching tv on the internet. No more homework, no more classes, no more Farmington or school. I'm a college graduate who blew her supervisors and mentors away with her performance during her student teaching. I still haven't found the job of my dreams but I'm looking and I'm getting closer every day.
I no longer worry that the man I love is going to move away from me and go to grad school somewhere so far away that I won't be able to follow. Now I worry that I will be the one moving away. However, I have faith in the one I love and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this new relationship work.
The world doesn't seem as cut and dry. It isn't about occasionally eating out, going to the movies, and cuddling on the couch. It is much more alive and interesting. There are still days spent watching netflix and not bothering to put on real clothes but now there are also road trips, game nights, parties, weddings, yard work, birthdays, graduations, movies, the mall, the beach, exploring, hiking, live shows, music, festivals, pirates, adventures, and so much more. The list grows every day.
My life is looking more and more like me every day. It is looking more like how I always wanted to live it. Fun, exciting, a little spontaneous, happy and busy. The world seems to have gotten bigger. The possibilities seem endless.
If there is one thing I learned in the past year it's that nothing is impossible.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Who I Am With You And How I Love You
"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
~Roy Croft~
"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~
~Roy Croft~
"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~
Monday, November 21, 2011
Loving Being Wrong
So I've been sick. I woke up Saturday with a headache well, actually it was more like a face ache. And I had hoped it was just that I had slept in too late. But then I woke up yesterday and it was worse. It was too hard to ignore the evidence I had an full blown painful sinus infection. Then I cried because I felt like shit but I knew I couldn't afford to miss work. They only scheduled me for 24 hours this week. So I got up and went to work. While at work I realized what I really wanted more than anything else was for Garrett to come take care of me and to cuddle with me. Normally I don't ask him to come look in on me when I know he is probably busy because I know I would feel bad and selfish. But I felt like I really needed him. So I asked him to come. He said he had to work Monday. So I suggested that he come the night before or after work Monday or that he simply skip work. I thought he would know that it was pretty serious since I pretty much never ask him to skip work for me. The boy said he couldn't because he needed to wash his work clothes for the next day. I told him that was a lame excuse and he agreed with me. I was furious. So I told him I was mad at him. I mean after all the things I do for him. I cook for him, I have taken care packages to him when he hasn't felt well, I have done his dishes for him before, I have baked him things to cheer him up, I have gone to the doctors with him. I have done everything in my power to make him happy. And I don't usually ask him to just come and hold me. And he was denying me something so simple because he had to do laundry.
He apparently was kidding. He had decided to give me the lamest answer possible so that I would know it was simple a stupid excuse so that he could come to Augusta and surprise me. I was flabbergasted. I felt so bad for doubting him. For thinking that he wouldn't want to come take care of me. I guess I am just used to putting in and putting in and not getting everything I need in return. I think part of me expected a no and when I saw it in a text message I didn't take any time at all to question it.
I should have more faith in him. He is so supportive of me. Even though I ask him how he feels about me maybe moving farther away for a teaching job he refuses to give an answers. He doesn't want to color my decision. He wants me to do what is right for me and my career regardless of his feelings. He does little things to make me smile all the time. I should have known he wouldn't hurt me like that. That he would want to be here for me as much as I want to be here for him.
I love that. I love this. I love him.
He apparently was kidding. He had decided to give me the lamest answer possible so that I would know it was simple a stupid excuse so that he could come to Augusta and surprise me. I was flabbergasted. I felt so bad for doubting him. For thinking that he wouldn't want to come take care of me. I guess I am just used to putting in and putting in and not getting everything I need in return. I think part of me expected a no and when I saw it in a text message I didn't take any time at all to question it.
I should have more faith in him. He is so supportive of me. Even though I ask him how he feels about me maybe moving farther away for a teaching job he refuses to give an answers. He doesn't want to color my decision. He wants me to do what is right for me and my career regardless of his feelings. He does little things to make me smile all the time. I should have known he wouldn't hurt me like that. That he would want to be here for me as much as I want to be here for him.
I love that. I love this. I love him.
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