The Real Me

All of us are made up of different parts. We are different things at different moments.

I am a dutiful daughter.
When I play this part I listen intently as my mother complains about my brother. I try to console her and convince her not to worry. Everything will be alright. I do as I am told and get the oil in my car changed. I drive hours for family events and get togethers. I help clean up after dinner. I watch the dogs. I watch my brothers.

I am a teacher.
I pretend I have confidence. I hide the fear making my quake inside. I turn the butterflies in my stomach into energy. I crack jokes to ease tension. I send misbehaving students to the principals office and give out detentions. I dread calling parents but when pressed by students I act as though calling their mom is no big deal to me. I listen intently to what other teachers have to say in the teachers room and I keep my mouth shut.

I am a good girlfriend.
I cook dinner. I clean the apartment. I offer to rub his back and shoulders when they hurt. I do the laundry. I make his favorite meal to cheer him up. I bring him his lunch so he doesn't have to worry about it the night before. I tell him I love him. I sit and enjoy his favorite things with him.

I am a best friend.
I offer advice and comforting words. I encourage. I praise. I thank. I hold her as she cries. I say nothing when my advice is ignored. But when it blows up in her face I say, "I told you!" I laugh. I joke. I make funny faces.

But this is me around new people.
I watch as they laugh and play. As they crack jokes. I hear the witty banter. But I am counting the minutes until I may leave. I am counting the minutes until I may return home. Home to my cat and my love. To the place where I am free. Every minute of pretending to be me is painful. Every laugh, every joke, every smile feels forced. I am forever playing a part while the real me cowers inside.

My New Years Resolution

I posted this in January of this year in another blog. I am deleting this other blog.

My New Years resolution this year is to climb Mount Katahdin this summer. I know this is crazy. Hell, I'll be happy if I make it half way up but I think that I need to try this. Here are my reasons why.

1) I have always wanted to climb Katahdin. When I was a kid I was in girl scouts and every year my troop would camp at Natarswi just below Katahdin. The whole time we were there I would stare up at the mountain and wonder what the world looked like from the top. I used to be quite a hiker. In middle school I climbed lots of mountains. Great Pond Mountain, Blue Hill Mountain, Bald Mountain, and some mountain near Camden and Rockland that I don't remember the name of. Used to be that I could complete a 5 mile hike in 2 hours.

2) I need a goal. My life has been one goal accomplished after another and now I need a new goal to throw myself into. I went to high school and worked part time. I worked my way through college and graduated cum laude. And now I am working as a teacher at a great school. Those have been my goals for so long now that I no longer know what to do with myself. Now I am setting myself a new goal to work towards.

3) I weigh 180 pounds and am 5 foot 4. This means my bmi is 35.14 roughly. This means I am overweight. I have before tried to get more healthy by setting a goal weight and working out. This has never worked for me. I'm not good about working out as regularly as I should and I am terrible at keeping track of the foods I put into my body. So instead of setting a weight loss goal that really means nothing to me I am setting a goal that is a little more tangible than a number on a scale. This way it is more concentrated on what it really should be about (being healthy and active) and less about weight loss.

 4) I am tired of being out of shape. I walk up the stairs at school and am out of breath. I have spent so much time in a room studying, balancing the checkbook, or doing chores that I have left absolutely no time to take care of myself. That was understandable in the last 5 years because I was working towards a very large goal but now I have accomplished that goal. It is time to take care of me. It is time to take care of the mess that work has created.

5) I care about my health. In the spring of my junior year of college I had H-Pylori. A disgusting and painful stomach thing(bug? virus? illness?). It caused my stomach to hurt all the time. I thought I was tired so I tried to get more sleep. I thought I was hungry so I ate more (about every hour on the hour). I thought that I was stressed from school. Finally, after a month of trying to deal with the pain by eating and trying to relax more I went to see a doctor. They took some blood and found out what it was. They then put me on some very strong antibiotics that made me feel worse for just about the entire 10 days I was on them. There was a lot of damage done though. I gained a lot of weight from overeating and the H-Pylori left my stomach very sensitive. That summer I developed a cyst on one of my ovaries. This presented with pain during sex. I went back to the doctors. They could not figure out what was wrong with me. I was in more and more pain every day. The cyst hurt. My stomach started hurting again from the worry and stress. I saw more and more doctors, specialists. Eventually we figured out I had a cyst and it burst and went away. Then we figured out I had acid reflux and got me the medication I needed to help me deal with it. However, the damage to my body had already been done. When I eat the wrong thing, my stomach hurts. When I get the flu the puking makes the acid reflux unbearable. When I am stressed or upset it feels like my stomach is eating itself from the inside out. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to spend my life in pain or in the doctor's office. I want to be in control of my body not the other way around.

6) My dad has celiacs. Celiacs is a genetic auto-immune disease. Essentially your body has a severe allergic reaction to wheat gluten. I do not have this but in time I could still develop it. I want to use my goal of climbing Katahdin to practice paying attention to what I eat. Right now I suck at this. My diet has for way too long been controlled by my schedule. For too long it has been eat a donut on the way to work at 8. Then the drive-through at McDonalds at 1 after my first job and before my second job starts at 2. Then dinner of whatever is easy at home at 10 pm because I am too tired to move. I have a regular job now. I work 7-3. I get a regular lunch break. I get home by 5. I have time to make a decent meal and to work out. I need to be doing so.

7) In high school I threw my knee cap out of place. I spent a month in a whole leg brace unable to bend my knee. Then I spent another month in painful physical therapy learning how to use the knee again. Unfortunately this type of injury can be recurring and I then threw the knee cap out of place two more times before I graduated. These both went untreated. When I got to college I realized that it hurt to run, to walk up or down hills or stairs, to stand for long periods of times, and when it was cold outside. I went back to physical therapy because my doctor believed I have patellofemoral syndrome. This happens when your knee cap grinds into your other bones and your cartilage when you bend it. It is very painful. The only way to keep it from happening is to make your leg muscles that run over the knee cap strong enough to hold the knee cap in place. When I left physical therapy I was supposed to continue the exercises. I did not. My knee cap has not returned to how it was before but if I keep slacking it could. Part of my goal is to take better care of my legs so that I am not crippled when I am older.

 So I am going to try to keep track of my weight, how many calories I eat, and how much I exercise every day. The idea is that if this is public knowledge then I will have some support to keep me going. Plus it will keep me honest. I know there are a few of you out there who will check this daily or weekly and nag me if I slack. I need that. You have always held me accountable while reminding me that it is ok to take a break. I hope that you will continue to do so. If you want to help me or become healthier yourself then feel free to comment or become a follower. Wish me luck!!

The Man I Thought I Wanted And The Man I Want Now

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago I had a dream. I had this boy that I loved a lot. I cared for him and he for me. Time passed. He whispered to me about how he thought I was the one. I whispered back. We said pretend vows over an internet conversation in the dead of night with no one to stand witness. All of the "I Love You's" began to end with forever and for once I dared to hope. The years passed, two and a half to be precise, but who is counting. That summer he broke my heart twice. The first time he broke it with hi actions. No more fireworks. No more breathe taking kisses. Mild touches, or fierce caresses were the flavors of day and night. The second time was with words. In one conversation he took back everything I had ever hoped for. I didn't know it though. I thought that he was just scared. That he would change his mind. I kept on hoping. More years passed. Birthdays, Christmases, Anniversaries, Valentine's Days and all the holidays in between came and went. At each one I looked for it. The little box tied up with ribbon. And I knew that inside that box I would find a diamond ring, just for me. He would get down on one knee and ask me to be his forever. Till the end of time. He did change his mind. One night he woke me to tell me he loved me and how much he wanted a life with me. Another evening as we lay cuddled together, talking, and relaxing after a long day he spoke of a mutual friend recently getting engaged and told me how much he'd like that, to be married to me. I floated on air. I looked for the little box. I began to imagine our life together. I imagined where we would live. I imagined the dress, the place, my friends and family. But I am a practical girl. I reminded myself every time I began to dream to not put the horse before the cart. I waited for the little box. The little box never came. A fight one night like any other. Just another fight I thought we'd get through and move on after. Two weeks of a subtle tension hidden underneath the surface of everything we did. I waited for him to give me some sign the fight was over. I hoped the fight was long over. I thought we'd made up. But even after the making up I could feel him and knew that not everything was alright. I never suspected what was to come next. My heart broke a third time as I listened to him say he wanted someone else. It broke for the fourth and last time as I stood in our living room moving things into the other room, his room, so he would be more comfortable and he told me he loved me. The furniture was moved. The lines in the sand were drawn. Separate bedrooms. Separate lives soon to follow. The pieces of me were scattered to all four winds. I let them lie. I longed to not get up again. The ground I had long stood on had become unstable under my feet and I had no desire to try my chances on it again. Eventually, I learned to build new ground. Eventually, I learned who I was again. As the old saying says, "Time heals all wounds." What it does not tell you is that it heals even the ones you never intend to let heal. And love has once again found its way into my life. Sometimes I catch myself beginning to dream again. Sometimes I think of the life I want and I wonder if maybe this man is the one who is meant to stand beside me while I live it. I look into his blue eyes and he smiles at me. He always smiles at me. I realize now though that what I really long for is not the ring, or the dress. It is not the promise or party or the acknowledgement from all of my friends and family. What I want is a man who wants that. I want a man who wants to stand before his friends, his family, my friends, and my family and promise to care for me, love me, stay with me, cherish me, respect me, and grow old with me. I don't care about the ceremony and the pomp. I could even part with the ring, if I could know beyond a certainty that such a man was mine. Could ever be mine. But I suppose I will never know if I have that man until he asks me if he can make me those promises.

Back to the Beginning

Well, I quit my job at Ruby Tuesdays. I took my job back at Staples. I decided that the money wasn't worth being miserable all the time. So I'm back to making enough to pay the bills barely. Garrett moved in here and that has helped some. It means I can pay my loans more easily. I still need to call FAME again. They want me to pay 75 dollars every month and that is just interest. I can't afford to do that. I'm hoping they can help me figure something else out.

In the mean time it is back to square one. Working at Staples and looking for teaching jobs. The hiring season is coming back around and I should have even more time to look now. I applied for some ed tech III jobs today and I put together a packet for a long term sub job at Bonny Eagle. I really hope I get one of them. I just want to teach. I love teaching.

I knew that pursuing this dream would be hard. I knew that teachers don't make a lot of money. I knew that I would be broke. I knew that there would be a lot of hard work to get the degree and education I would need in order to teach. No one told me how hard it would be to get the job. No one said that it might be year before I do. No one said that there were teachers out of school subbing and just waiting for an opening to come up in their district. I thought I would be competing with new grads and veteran teachers. I didn't know about the hordes of people waiting in line already. People who have been out of school for years just waiting to get a job in their area.

I often wonder if maybe I should do that. Everyone keeps asking me why I don't sub. I have been worried that if I do that then I won't have a steady pay check every week. I need to know what I will make so I can pay my bills. But maybe I could work at Staples on the weekends and sub during the week? Garrett is living here with me now though and I don't want to have to burden him with things like gas for my car, my car insurance or my student loans. Those bills are mine and mine alone. If I cut my hours at Staples down to 16 or so a week then I risk not always being able to pay those. It will depend on the circumstances. Then again I would have the chance to make 60 dollars a day subbing. That is more than I make at Staples some days.

I'm never sure any more what gives me the best chance of getting a job. I'm not sure how to keep taking care of myself. I know that my family is always there for me but right now I hate to ask any of them for help. I know they are going through even harder time than I am. If only I could see into the future...

Work

I can no longer work at Staples. For one thing I am tired of the politics that are involved in all retail jobs. For another I can no longer support myself on what I make there. I decided I would look for a new job and leave Staples. I found a new job.

Things moved really quickly. Ruby Tuesdays called me and asked me to come in for an interview. I did. They asked nothing about me, my past, my goals, or my experiences. I was informed that I would be working their salad bar and given a description of the job. Then I was given the job. I was asked to come in the next day for an orientation. I found myself giving my two weeks notice at Staples before going to the orientation. At the orientation I filled out all the necessary paperwork, went through the employee hand book and then immediately started training with an associate there.

I find that I am having major regrets involving my decision to take this job. It is no where near what I want to do. I want to teach. My mom and I did not work our butts off getting me into a good college so that I could work in the kitchen at some restaurant. I did not struggle through 4 years of school at the nations top college for education so that I could not use my degree.

I find myself washing bathrooms, scrubbing floors, doing dishes, cutting vegetables, making salads, running from one end of the kitchen to the other and I'm not even sure why. So that I can make some money? So I can keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in the car, lights on, and the creditors off my back? Is that really a good enough reason to settle for the first opportunity that comes along?

I know I should be happy to have a job at all. I know that I should be glad to be working and not out on the streets. I am happy to work. I don't mind hard work. I just feel so destroyed that I can't seem to make my dreams come true. Isn't getting the job supposed to be the easy part so long as I have the right kind of education and skill set?

My mom thinks that I don't like this new job because I feel like I am better than this. She is probably right. However, that just makes me even more upset and mad. When did I get so stubborn and proud? Don't I have any humility at all?

I worked at Ruby Tuesdays tonight. I was there till almost midnight. I'm sore all over. I feel like I smell vegetables and sweat. I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I went and spent money I shouldn't have to eat at Denny's because I have no groceries, they were open, and I just wanted to eat a meal I didn't have to prepare or clean up myself. I'm so tired I didn't want to cook or clean up. I was willing to pay the price. I have been on my feet all day.

I spent my night at work running to and fro. I barely talked to any one. My brain was else where. I was doing at least 3 things at the same time all night. The job is fast paced and it involves a lot of juggling. But no skills. There is absolutely nothing about it that is fun or interesting. At least at Staples it was fun to make free samples and to interact with new people. I barely interact with anyone at this job. I don't have time.

I keep telling myself that this is temporary. But every time I say there is this little voice in the back of my head that whispers, "Staples was just temporary when you started there too. You thought you'd get a job in Farmington." What if this isn't temporary? What if I am doing this for a while?

Needless to say I am not ceased my job hunt. I just want to find a job where I like at least one thing. Where I genuinely enjoy at least one aspect. At Staples it was creating things, the other employees, and getting to meet new people (the nice ones any way). Here, there isn't anything.

Yes You Will

You will get a better job somewhere. You will continue to apply for teaching positions. You will get a teaching job some day. You will not give up. You are an amazing teacher and you just need to find the right school. Someone somewhere will see this and hire you. You did not go to school for so long and work so hard to give up after looking for 7 months. You have your computer back now and the teacher hiring season is coming back around. You will work harder and apply to more places.

You will do better.

Irrational

A long time ago I got hurt. This wouldn't be a big deal except he made me a promise. He promised to love me till the day I died, he promised to never end things with me, he promised that I was the one and always would be. Now a year after he broke all of those promises I no longer love him. I no longer want him. I no longer yearn for him to hold me in the middle of the night. But I'm still angry at him. I still hurt. Some days I imagine I will forgive him. I imagine unblocking him from Facebook. I imagine sending him a message and maybe trying to be friends. But then my stomach twists and my chest hurts and I realize that I am still angry and hurt.

I'm not even angry that he left me anymore. I know that I am happier now for it. No, the thing that hurts the most is the broken promises. The nights where I am home alone on my couch watching bad tv and wishing for someone to cuddle. The nights where I cry because work sucked or I got another rejection letter in the mail and there is no one to hold me. The nights where I'm sick and there is no one to hold my hair while I puke or make me soup or make me rest instead of cleaning. Those are the nights that I realize what I was holding onto so tightly was someone to take care of me the way that I took care of him. And then I hate him.

I hate him for making me weak. For making me feel like I need someone to help me through the hard times. I hate him for making me need someone and then taking that someone away.

I'm in this new relationship where I am extraordinarily happy. I'm happy because I have someone who loves me. I finally found someone who makes me feel more like myself. It feels like before with every other boy, I was pretending. Like I was trying to be someone who sort of resembled me but who really made them happy. I feel like I sacrificed a lot of things about myself to be with boys who didn't necessarily deserve me. And now I'm being me. Crazy, spontaneous, wacky, silly, me and he loves me. Encourages me even.

But I'm afraid. We have reached that point where things start to get serious. We start to make commitments, promises. I hear him saying them already. And I love it. I could see it. I could see this boy being the one. But I find myself hesitating. I don't want more broken promises. I don't see how this could end. How can you end a relationship where there is no fighting? Where we sometimes don't even finish a sentence and the other knows exactly what we mean. How can that be destroyed?

I don't know. But my experiences so far have told me that it doesn't last. I find myself looking for ways to hold onto him, to this feeling. To be sure that those promises we are making to each other can't be broken. I know though that that doesn't work. I can't hold on too tightly either.

I guess some fears, some feelings are just irrational.