Four Siblings

One
little girl all dressed in pink
With sunshine in her smile
And moonbeams in her hair.
Words fall heavily from her pencil
To grace the pages of her life.

Two
Little children running in the yard
The second one a short and stocky little boy
with a mischievous smile
And dancing eyes as black as coal.
Hands are callused and raw
As he strums the song his feet tap to.

Three
Siblings swim in the pool
Each take turns giving the third a ride on their back.
With laughter for his grey-blue eyes
And an infectious energy
His screams for joy bring a smile
To the faces of everyone in his life.

Four
Siblings have their pictures taken in the backyard
Three sit still with grins like sunshine, mischief and pure joy
While number four squirms.
First here, then there
Running about everywhere.
Not a care in the world.

I Miss My Brother

Yeah. That's it. I find that out of all the people in my life who have been there for me and helped me succeed the one I am missing more than ever right now is my brother. My wonderful, young, impulsive, crazy, frustrating, infuriating, funny, little brother who is not so little any more. Sometimes when I am ignoring and being ignored by my roommate I remember all those times I would get in trouble at home and my brother was there. The wonderful thing about siblings is that they are always on your side even in the face of your parents. I wish I had an ally like that. Someone that no matter what would be on my side and make me laugh. Make me feel better.

Today in class we talked about social economic status and how it can really impact the way my students are in class. All I could think about were the times we went without water, or what it felt like to have our first computer, or how Santa seemed even more magical because there was no doubt in our minds that mom could not afford it. The wonderful thing about my life is that despite all of those things I am in college. I am making something of myself. I did speak up in class. I said that the most powerful thing I can do for the poor kids in my class is tell them that they can do anything they want to as long as they work for it. That the sky is the limit and it all starts here. My mom did that for me and that is why I am here. I hope that I am a good example of what hard work can do for all of my little brothers but especially for Nick. I hope he knows the sky is the limit and that school is the first step. I hope he knows he can have anything. I hope he knows I love him and I miss him. I hope he knows I will always be there for him. Every time I get an assignment to write a lesson plan I think about what his teachers could have done to engage him more, to make learning more fun and to show him he could do anything because he is so smart. In someways he is much more perceptive than me. I want to be the best teacher for kids like him. And like Jason. And like Jamie. And maybe even even like Cody.

I love you little brother.

Of Love and Writing

There once was a time
when I thought
true love would never be mine.
I believed the loves I would have
would be sparse and fleeting.
Then I met you
and I was wrong.
You found me when I least expected
to fall in love.
And when I thought our love couldn't survive in this world
You created for us a new world.
A world where we were stronger
than fear
or hate
or the shadows we all fear
deep inside our hearts.
A world where we could face all our demons
and conquer all our fears.
A world where ultimate happiness
and love
could be found in a grove of lilacs.
A world where I could give us both
a second chance
and fix all our wounds.
A world where you could make anything possible
with the scribble of your pen.
So now my pen scribbles back to you
about this world of ours that you created
and about the greatest love of my life.
I am in love with an extraordinary man.
You are
my best friend,
my comfort when I stumble,
my strength when I lose heart.
You are the person who keeps me going
even at the darkest of times.
Thank you for everything you have done
and all you do for me.

Another Day of Rest

I didn't have much to do today either so I spent most of my day laying on my bed watching TV and reading for class tomorrow. The only productive things I did were reading, cooking supper and paying rent. I decided today to cut my roommate out of my internet life. I am no longer her friend on Facebook or following her on Twitter. We still haven't really spoken. As much as possible I even refuse to be in the same room as her. It feels nice to be able to separate myself from her as much as possible. She did talk to me today. It was to ask me what I was cooking in the oven and if I was going to cook anything else. I rather like that in the past 2 weeks now that has been about the extent of our conversation. It feels good to not feel like I have to have anything to do with her at all.

Some may feel like this is rather cowardly and that I am running away but honestly I just hate her. Every time she speaks I want to yell "Shut up Bitch. No one Fucking cares what you think." It is better if I just stay away from her. I will celebrate the day I never have to see her again.

I know this behavior is probably very worrying to Garret and to my mom but I just give up. I can no longer pretend. So I won't.

School is going good. I got my first and second paper back. I got a B- on my Poetry paper and a C on my paper for Content Lit. I hope that the rest of my grades are as good or better. I am pretty happy with my B-. The professor is a rather hard grader so its nice to have done ok. Hopefully this next one will go better. I wish my Content Lit paper was better but a C isn't too bad. The professor commented on it saying that she would have liked to see more. I'm not really sure how much more there could be? The assignment was to write an autobiography of my literacy but that is such a broad subject. How am I to know what is important and what isn't?

Reading and writing have become my life, my power, my strength. How does someone explain how the importance came about? It is something that is such a part of my whole being that I'm not sure how I can separate myself from it and look at it in such a way.

Write Me

I got inspired by my own post. A new poem.

When all is lost
And Hope has runaway,
Write me.

Write me,
And I will be there
To renew your strength.

If you write of heartache,
I will show you love again.

If you write of fear,
I will show you light again.

If you write of grief,
I will show you how to smile again.

If you write,
I shall follow.

Slow Monday

It is Monday again, my faithful readers. Yay. I woke up fairly late and was not feeling good this morning so I kind of took it easy today. I ate breakfast laying in bed and then I watched some TV on my laptop and got dressed. I did get all of my homework done for tomorrow and after I got back from class tonight I got started on my homework for tomorrow. I didn't get very far cause I was also watching TV but that is only a minor drawback since I will be done with classes tomorrow at 11:20 and do not have to work after that. It will be nice to have a couple days to rest a little.

I didn't really do much today so I don't really have much to write. I also didn't do any writing today other than this. I know, bad, Dani, bad. That is ok though because I have no doubts that I will be inspired again soon. I have really enjoyed the number of new pieces I have been putting out. They have all been so unique and beautiful. I hope that it continues to go so well. Writing again makes me feel like me again. Like I am... I don't know how to describe it. It isn't power or confidence. It is something else. More like reassurance or a secret hope that no one else can see or touch. My poetry, all of my writing really, is such a part of me that I can't believe that I have neglected it for so long. That won't happen again. I am determined to write everyday and more than that if I can, even if it is just posting here. Writing has long been my passion. My air. I can't believe I ever forgot that for a second.

Unsung Song

Everything is changing
And I do not feel the same.
Spin me around
And around
Watch the moon beams light the dance floor.
See the flowers grow,
Smell the sweet lilac scent.
A kiss can be a portal
To any realm I want
Canada,
Poland,
Or maybe the lilac grove.
Yes, the lilac grove
Where my heart beats
Steady through the night
And the sharp objects, hidden out of sight
Throw the Oreo crumbs up in celebration
How about some cake?
The song that goes unsung
And the story keeps writing itself
Erasing each scratch I carry
With a hug like no other.
Carry me away
In your kiss
Kiss like a waterfall
Like a caress
Filled with a softness
Filled with a passion
Filled with a desire
Filled with comfort
Filled with love.
The universe finally meets the standards you set
Look no farther
Your dreams are knocking
Carry you away in them.

Home, Sweet Home

I'm back in Farmington at my apartment. I had a really good weekend away despite having to work all weekend. It was nice to not have to worry about food and it was even nicer to have Garret doing laundry while I was at work. I love having clean clothes. Thank you, Garret!. I am really tired tonight though and avoiding doing homework. I got Monday's homework done already and I already did the homework for my content lit class so I just have a draft of a paper to do and some poems to read but I am tired. It is hard to make myself read Emily Dickinson (who is an incredibly intense poet and subtle and genius) while I am so tired. I feel like I am missing half of her genius when I am this tired. But the world doesn't wait for Dani to rest, that's for sure.

Despite having a good weekend I am glad to be home. I like being back in my own bed in my own space. Even if it is a little cluttered and maybe even a little messier than I might like. It's quiet (usually), it smells good and it's mine.

I'm sorry I only wrote one poem yesterday. I did that early in the morning and I had meant to write more later that night but I didn't get out of work till late and then had to have a late dinner and take a shower. I was exhausted after all of that. At least I put a poem up?

I'm actually rather impressed with the rate at which I am spitting out new material lately. I really hope it continues. Maybe I can write something new tomorrow but no promises. Until then I think I will call this good for tonight and I will try to force myself to do some homework.

Goodnight.

Good Morning

Good Morning Sunshine!
Good morning to
the quiet time before everyone wakes.
Good morning to
the return of time.

Good morning flowers,
trees,
birds,
grass,
squirrels,
dogs,
and cats.
Good morning everyone
and welcome to the start of a new day.

The Muse

I lay my head upon the pillow,
I close my eyes
And let the winged Muse slip in and out
Of the world behind my eyes.

Awaken to a blur of colors
And of words.
To a rhythm that is new
To you and me.

Hurry-- for the pen and the paper
As it slips through your fingers,
Like silk,
Like wind,
As if you never really held it.
Feel it retreat,
Back to the world behind your eyelids--
And the door shuts tight behind it.

Dashes courtesy of Emily Dickinson.

I Haven't Forgotten

I hope that when you see me,
You remember all the good and bad
Memories.

I hope that when you see me,
Talking and laughing with someone else
You wish you could make me laugh like that again.
I hope that you remember
That now,
You only cause tears.

I hope that you never forget
The promises you made,
Or all the things you whispered in my ear.

I hope you know,
That I haven’t forgotten.

Inspiration provided by The All-American Rejects and their song, Gives You Hell

House Sitting

Today has been a pretty average day. I slept in a little later than I had planned but I still managed to get everything i wanted to get done, done. My class was a little boring today because we had one of the students teaching the class but then after that we did some group discussions. Those were a little bit more interesting. We had one discussion on what we could do to include a student with down syndrome, from a movie we watched, in our class. There were actually a number of ways that we could have included him in what we were teaching so that he could get some socialization and get some life skills out of it. Both of these things are very important to having him grow and be able to live and support himself as an adult. I think it might be fun to have a couple of students who have special needs in my classroom. That would make teaching a little bit more challenging sometimes but it might be fun to have to think on my feet and find alternative things that he could do. Plus the kid seemed like a genuinely good kid and like he really wanted to be involved. I like working with kids that are good people and want to be involved at least part of the time.

Anyway, now the day is done and I am spending the weekend at Garret's parents. They are going away for the weekend so we are house sitting. It would be much more fun and interesting if we were the only ones here and if I wasn't just now starting to get done my period. But it is still nice to have some time alone together away from home. Plus being here gives the opportunity to do our laundry for free in a dryer that actually dries clothes. A very big plus if you ask my wallet and Garret's. We have so much laundry to do that neither of us have done because we have been so busy.

There really isn't much more going on right now in my life. I have to say though that I really don't want to stop writing. I feel like ever since I have been writing in this blog the creative juices have been flowing. I wrote not too long ago now the first poem I have written in I don't know how long. I can't remember the poem I wrote before this one. And I have had all kinds of ideas floating around in my head ever since then for the next one. If I get a chance to tonight I think I may sit and write another one for a little bit. It feels so good to finally get rid of this terrible writers block that has been haunting me for so long. I just don't want to stop writing now that it is gone. If I could carry this blog with me everywhere and just sit and write anytime I wanted to I would be a very, very happy person. Maybe I should start thinking about carrying a notebook with me everywhere. I guess I kind of already do that though since I usually have one with me when I go to class. I feel like I just need to harness the power of this surge of inspiration while I can. In fact... maybe I will go do that right now.

Second Post as Promised

So earlier this afternoon I wrote a very short post and a new poem because I was in a hurry to get to work. I have returned now to write a longer post as promised.

Today and yesterday I have been completely unmotivated. My stomach hurts and I am tired but despite this I worked through it and got a lot more accomplished than I thought I would. I am pretty proud of myself for that. Unfortunately, I have completely given up on the roommate. I know that I can no longer speak to her or sometimes be in the same room with her without worrying that she will say something and I will escalate things. So I have decided to just not deal with her at all. It is that or beat her to a pulp. I don't know why I have such a strong reaction to her but I do. I am terrified of what she will say to me next. This is far from my most shining moment. I am pretty disappointed with myself for not being able to come up with anything better but I really have tried everything. I've tried addressing the problem(she says she feels attacked), I have tried being her friend and ignoring it(this just makes me bitter and angry) and I have tried just being her roommate but this last one just leaves me feeling like she is using me. So i just give up.

On the bright side I have made some newish friends. I have been sharing food with Kristen upstairs who is someone I have been friends with but not very close to. I have also been hanging out with Lindsey and I really like hanging with her. In fact I even asked her if maybe she might want to go on a road trip with me to New York to visit my cousin, Coty, some weekend. I think I would have so much fun talking and hanging out in the car with her. I have been thinking too that I need to take a weekend to spend time alone with Garret just us and do as little work as possible and of course leave the bed as little as possible. And lest but not least I need to spend a weekend with my dad, my step-mom, my little brothers and my grandmother.

Ok, it is time to go. Garret is eager to get to sleep. We are very tired.

If You Love Me, Lead Me

I am woman.
I am strong.
I am confident.

I live my own life
And I make my own decisions.
I have my own job
And I pay my own rent.

But sometimes I just want to rest my head.

So if you love me,
Lead me.

If you love me
Challenge me
And lead me to understand myself in a new light.

If you love me
Be gentle with me
And lead me to rest when I am weary.

If you love me
Encourage my passions
And lead me to greater heights than I thought possible to achieve.

If you love me
Know that sometimes I am weak
And lead me to my inner strength.

If you love me,
Lead me.

New Poem

I couldn't fall asleep at first last night so of course my head was just swirling with ideas. I wrote an entire poem in my head before I fell asleep. Unfortunately, I forgot some of it but I managed to hold onto the line "If you love me, lead me" and I think I was able to reconstruct it and make it better than it was last night. Cause lets face it. Poems written when we are only half awake are not nearly as good when we wake up.

I have to leave for work in seven minutes so I will post the poem now and maybe a longer entry later tonight.

Hate You?

Every morning I wake up
And for a split second
I hate you

Every time I write a story
I pick you as the villain
Only to change it in the end

Every time I look in the mirror
I hear your words
Echoing in my head

If you were anyone else
I’d hate you
But your not

I want to hate you
I want to yell and scream
At you
I want to punch you
I want to kick you
I want to hurt you
Like you hurt me

I try
Every day
To hate you

I think of all the things you have said
Only to remember
The sweet I miss you’s
And the even sweeter I love you’s

I think of all the things you did
Only to remember
The smile you had just for me
And the comfort in your touch

I think of how you scared me
Only to remember
You were scared too

And I think of how you hurt me
Only to remember
I hurt you too

And its for these reasons
That no matter how much I try
Or how much I want to
I can’t
And Never will
Hate You

Being a Girl

Good Morning. I feel like shit. My stomach hurts, my head feels nasty, my mouth tastes like it has cotton in it and my butt feels like it it is sitting in something wet and slimy. Yeah, Aunt Flo has decided to come for a visit. I don't even want to get up and get dressed today. I have plenty of work to do for tomorrow and for Friday and I can't even convince myself to move. I just want to go back to bed and sleep it all off. I really don't want to go to classes or do homework or grocery shopping. Although, at least homework I can do laying down in bed. My body hates me right now and I am hating right back. I'm sort of using this post as a stalling tactic so I don't have to get up and get dressed and be responsible. It's not going as well as I had hoped.

It took me forever to fall asleep last night. I had a headache and cramps. Nothing I did was comfortable. I crawled into bed around 11 and didn't get to sleep till after 12. When I'm as tired as I was last night it doesn't usually take that long. I feel a little bit like throwing up but I think that is just because of the pain.

I hate this part of being a girl.

No regrets...?

The way I wish the conversation yesterday had gone...

Her: We'll just eat the same thing everyday.
Me: Why not? I have a ham and cheese sandwich everyday.
Her: I don't like ham and cheese. I don't like any sandwiches with meat in them.
Me: Maybe I should just not talk any more.
Her: What have I done to offend you?
Me: You have ignored me for over a week now and when you haven't ignored me you have responded with sarcasm, been rude, belittling or abrupt with me. I'm very tired of it.

The way it actually went...
Her: We'll just eat the same thing everyday.
Me: Why not? I have a ham and cheese sandwich everyday.
Her: I don't like ham and cheese. I don't like any sandwiches with meat in them.
Me: Maybe I should just not talk any more.
Her: What have I done to offend you?
Me: I'm sorry that was rude. I'm just having a bad day and I shouldn't be taking it out on you. I apologize.

No regrets...?

Human

I just want a tiny bit of approval.
I always feel like I’m invisible.
The only time you realize I’m there is when I’m gone.
I am a person
I am not just another part of you
I do have feelings
And they do get hurt.
They get hurt when you tease me about how I eat
I know it’s gross
Leave it be
They get hurt when I try to do something nice for you
And you won’t let me
Or tease me about it.

Crazy Me

I'm really not sure what today is, other than a test of my survival skills in a war torn country. Or is it a cold war? I'm certainly getting plenty of cold shoulder. I am still human? I'm not transparent right? Everyone can still see me?

I think I am just going crazy over here. It is very possible.

Work was ok today. The store was pretty dead so there was plenty of time to get everything done and there weren't any angry customers. Everyone was civil and many were friendly. Even the taunts from one of my co-workers seemed less abrasive than usual. I realized that I sometimes do like working at Staples.

I think that is all I have in me to write tonight. I'm tired and I hurt. My stomach and head are telling me to crawl into a dark place and rest. I think that is what I will do. That sound nice.

Alive

Sometimes when the night is shining bright
I leave my room in search of something more.
I hunch down in my warm coat
And wander the empty streets alone.
Street lamps shine down upon me
Giving the air some different quality
Sometimes I feel like running
Up and down the street
Like a madwoman
Knocking on everyone’s doors
And screaming at the top of my lungs
Sometimes I want to hide in an alley
Scoot down a wall and rest there
Alone
And hidden
Forever.
Some days I just want to feel alive
Alive like when the night is young
And the possibilities are endless
Alive like when you laugh so hard you can’t breathe
Alive like when the windows in the car are down
And you are singing your favorite song loudly and off key
Alive like the first time he told me he loved me.
That wonderful feeling of your Heart, threatening to burst.

Happiness and Peanut Butter Brownies

I finished my homework then I put some laundry in the wash, did some dishes and made peanut butter brownies. I am in a really good mood now. I'm not sure if it is the brownies or if I am just in a good mood because I have a good past couple of days.

I didn't have any classes today because the professor canceled my only class. This has left me with not much to write. I have started and restarted this post several times tonight. I guess when a writer is having a good time she has less to write about. Why is that? It is so much easier to write about the bad stuff than the good. The good stuff isn't any less potent or strong. In fact sometimes the good stuff is twice as powerful and renders you unable to feel anything else.

I have had some very happy things lately. Saturday, I had an amazing night. Yesterday work had a lot of customer issues but I managed to get through the day and get out by 6:30. I then went out friends and when I got home I did homework and hung out with a friend I really missed. Then today I didn't have classes and I saw my friends I missed. I also found out that my roommate is going to be leaving in May. She is marching and then student teaching at her grandparents in the fall. Garret wasn't lying when he said it's only a year. One year of dealing with her being rude and making me feel insignificant and then I am done. I have found a way of dealing with it. I don't talk to her and when she really bothers me I think about keying her car or putting super glue in her shampoo.

Yeah life is good.

Heather, Alice, Jenna, Dani, Mel and Garret

I love you all.

Friends New and Old

Very sorry I didn't write yesterday. I didn't get out of work until almost 11 and I didn't get home until midnight. Then I had homework, showering and I wanted sometime with my love so I didn't have any left to post. I figured that since I only have a hand full of readers at most and that most of you are probably trying to catch up from last time when I posted so much that no one would mind too much.

Today has been a pretty good day. Work was long and there were a lot of customer complaints but at least I did my best to take care of it as well as all of my closing stuff. I also got out of work only a little bit after 6 which gave me ample time to get to the retirement party for a guy I work with. It was nice to sit down with most of the people I work with and just talk. The people who have managed to stick around Staples in the year that I have been there have been great.

After I got home I was also able to see my friend, Mel. I have missed her so much. Since she has left Farmington I have been lost without her. I just don't have as many friends here as I would like to and we have been very close pretty much since we met. I hope that she knows that encouraging her to leave and do what was best for herself was extremely hard for me. I hope she knows how much I wish I could have begged her to stay if only for me.

Friends are so strange. Whenever you try to make them you fail. True friends seem to just sort of fall together. And they stick together because of the hard times that they conquer together. I had a lot of really great friends in high school. There was Julia, Steve, Faucher, Heather, Jenna, Chucky and Alice. I also have my cousin Coty. But for some reason finding those types of connections in college has been more difficult. What is it that has made finding friends so hard?

There is one person I got to know last semester that I have started to really bond with and I'm glad I have found her. I hope that friendship lasts as long as some of my others. I could really use another close friend here in Farmington.

End of the Day

Today was a very busy day but I figured I cheated and only did a very short post last night so I would do another post now. I managed to do everything I wanted to do today minus my homework. It's Friday and even though I know I have to work all weekend I haven't been able to bring myself to do my work. I think I just really needed a break from doing homework. It was really nice today to go out and hang with a newish friend, to try to find some new ground with my roommates and to get a little bit of alone time with Garret. The LCP show tonight was really funny and it was nice to get out of the apartment and go do something fun. I feel like I don't do that very often. I'm usually here, in classes or at work. It seems like the only thing I have managed to do for myself is write here. Thank God for this. It has been very good therapy for me. I wouldn't mind having more comments and more people sharing in it with me though.

I think I need to find a better balance this semester between me and everything else. Traditionally when I get busy the first things to go are the things I enjoy and then the next tings are the things I do to take care of myself. Usually the only enjoyment I keep for myself is Garret. I should be better to myself. It is good to have a good work ethic but it also good to take care of yourself. Today was well deserved I think but I'm sure I will be paying for it tomorrow and Sunday and maybe even Monday. It has really been hard because most of my homework has been reading and after having to do so much reading lately I'm not sure I ever want to read again. Writing is a relief because it is slightly different.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to balance myself and everything else?

Worth Fighting For

A short prose piece...

“Some things are worth fighting for. Freedom, happiness, acceptance, equality, peace, end of hunger, compassion, kindness, love, life… I fight for these things everyday.” The small girl looked up into the tall man’s dark brown eyes with her hazel ones as she said this. He was a little taken aback. How could one so tiny fight for anything? He stared at her for a moment trying to work out what it was she meant by this profound statement. Finally he gave up and asked her.
“I fight for the freedom to grow up happy. I live in a war torn country, I could die just by putting one foot out the door of my house but I do so because if I don’t it will mean the end of my fight for the freedom to have a happy childhood. After all what child can possibly be happy locked in a house for days on end for years? I fight for happiness by trying to find the good within all the bad around me. I deserve to be happy and I want to be happy, so I fight for it. It would be easy to stop and just be sad because my mom and dad are dead. I fight to be accepted by my guardians. They don’t like me because I am a constant reminder that their own daughter has died and they can’t accept that I am not her. They try to make me be her but I fight against them. I want them to love me as equally as they loved their own daughter so I fight for that too but it’s hard because they are so sad about their little girl. Peace is the easiest to fight for because every day that I live through is another day I can grow up and each day leads to the day when I can find a voice to bring peace to us. I end my own hunger because of the war there isn’t enough food to go around so I have to fight for food. I fight for compassion. It would easy to be mean to others and not want to help them, to not be kind at a time like this when I should be more worried about my own life but I fight for that too because this war was started by hatred. Compassion and kindness to all can end that and save my life. And are not the last two obvious? I want to be loved and to live.”
After this long speech the man looked at the girl in shock. He didn’t know what to say. He knew she was right but how could one so small be so wise? He continued to stare at her with his mouth agape. Gently the little girl asked,
“Mr. Soldier man? Are you sure this war is worth fighting now?”

A New Morning

So I have no idea what was wrong with me last night. I'm hoping that it was just a combination of being tired and having my period being right around the corner. I don't know why but I could not stop crying and nothing was helping. The good news is that I feel much better today and am very ready to get back to my busy life. I have to mail a bill, call the cable company and cancel the cable, read for Monday(yuck), go to class, after class I'm hanging out with a friend, then steak with my roommates, then D&D(yeah, I'm a geek I know), and finally, I'm going to see the LCP show tonight. I have a very busy but hopefully very fun day planned. We'll see how much of this I can get done.

Some good things did come out of last night. I learned that I am pretty devoted to posting here now even when very upset or busy. I also thought of a few good topics while I was at work last night. I think I want to talk about female empowerment and what it means to me to be a feminist.

I know that since feminist has come about many people think wrongly that it is about women hating men and thinking they are better then them. Guys, trust me on this one, any straight woman who has ever been dumped has at on point or another said that she hates men. Let's face the facts. Men and women are cruel to each other and it is understandable that we often dislike each other. Feminism is more about empowering women to fight for the right to be equals. Women should be able to work and have a family. If they work the same job as a man they should make the same money. Women should be allowed to be doctors, lawyers, soldiers, football players, and anything else they want.

Now I have gone on this big rant about how women should have all of these things in order to be equal to men. But then there also needs to be other changes for men too. For example, they shouldn't be the only ones signing up for the draft. Men shouldn't always have to pay. Men should be treated with respect too. Men should be allowed to be nurses, teachers, hair stylists or stay home with the kids if they want to.

If we are to be truly equal no job or role should be barred from either sex. The reason I am writing about this is because in class yesterday I found myself defending the novel length poem we had read from feminism. It made me a little angry that feminist were not seeing the story as empowering to women despite the age it was written in. They seem to have forgotten that the main character did something very unheard of. She refused to marry a man who proposed to her because she wanted to be an artist, a poet. By the end of the book the main character recognizes the importance of love and asks him to accept her. But this is only after they have both gone through a very long change and have learned where they were wrong. Aurora, the main character, only accepts her lover only after he accepts her as a poet. Feminists say that she is giving in and saying that marriage and love are more important than art but if that were true she very well could have married the man, who thought a woman could not be a poet, from the beginning and there would not have been a story. She only agrees to marry him after he is willing to give up the belief that she can't be a poet. And when she does agree she does not say she will give up her poetry in exchange for married life.

We have come a very long way from thinking that women can't do things because of their gender but we still have a long ways to go.

The Best Fathers

As the stars broke in the sky,
You sat and watched the fireflies on the back porch with me
And later made peanut butter brownies at the kitchen counter.

When my eyes began to droop,
You scared away the monsters under my bed and in my closet
Then later let me crawl into bed with you when I had a bad dream.

In the morning I woke you with a yell and a jump on top of you.
Shortly followed by wrestling and tickling and bouts of laughter
As the slowly rising sun forced the moon to retreat.

I watched you drive away to work day after day,
Knowing that when you returned
it would be with a smile,
Hugs,
Kisses,
Laughter,
And Joy.

You see it is not the work you do
Or the job you have,
It’s not how much money you make
Or how much you spend on us,
It doesn’t matter if you are tall
Or short
Or fat
Or thin.
It doesn’t matter if you are old
Or young
Or hip
Or cool
or a little bit behind the times.
The best fathers are remembered as
Peanut butter brownies,
Evening fires,
Pancakes,
Fireflies on the back porch,
Toast with jelly on it,
Wrestling in the morning,
Hugs,
Kisses,
Laughter,
And Love.

And you have it all.

Post?

I have been really good and writing every day, once a day but today I had classes and worked all day and then I just finished a paper. I am missing my dad a lot tonight and I don't know why. I cried in the car on the way home from work and have been fighting back tears all night. I really just want to lay with my boyfriend and cuddle for the rest of the night. So I think that I will write a longer post tomorrow after I figure out what my problem is.

Goodnight.

"The Power of Words"

To end with a quote from my favorite author

"They’ve destroyed nations, overthrown rulers, cast gods themselves down from the realm of the sacred into myth, even ridicule. The right words can cripple a man faster and more surely than any weapon. Words destroy lives, end lives, redeem them. Even the simplest ones can bring great happiness, or take it away."

Catching up day

I worked a 2-9 yesterday at Staples so I spent much of today getting caught up on homework. I did it! I managed to read 6 chapters for American texts and contexts before class, then I wrote a 2-3 page essay for my Poetry class for tomorrow and did about 60-70 pages of reading for that class. I read a packet for my Content Lit class tomorrow. I'm telling you this in order to explain why I haven't posted until now. I was busy trying to get everything done.

Anyway, onto my random thought for the day. In my Special Education class that I am taking we talked about labels and how labels affect how students feel about themselves and how teachers view their students. Through all of it I didn't say anything. For the most part I did agree that as a teacher I am afraid of stereotyping a student based on a disability or special need. I also agreed that labels can be hurtful and down right mean. But I also see something many people overlook. Labels can be powerful when we embrace them. I have been called many things before in my life and by embracing those things (when they were true) as parts of myself I owned them and was able to stop others from using them against me.

In school I was called "The Walking Encyclopedia" and instead of letting it hurt me I embraced it. Yeah, I was smart. Yeah, I knew a lot of random stuff about a lot of different random things. When I was being particularly nasty to my mom and brother my mom would call me on it and say I was a bitch. I own this two. Yeah, I can be mean and spiteful sometimes. Yeah, I can say hurtful things sometimes. Later, in high school, I was told that I was an angry feminist because I wrote about men in all aspects of my life who had done me wrong and I denounced them for it. I own this too. I admit that I believe in the empowerment of women, in equality and yes I am angry for being treated like less than equal.

By claiming these labels, hurtful or not, as my own I take all power of them away from the people who wish me harm and instead place all power in myself but recognizing the many different parts of me. As a teacher I do not want to encourage students to label each other but as humans we naturally place people and things into neat little categories. Therefore, I want my students to embrace every true aspect of themselves and recognize that they are many things, many labels. Labels don't need to be confining or hurtful. Labels, like all words, are powerful.

I Am More Than

I am tired of being angry and poor.
I can not blame Gail Wynand for wanting power
With power comes a voice
And the poor have no voice.
I’m gonna go all Howard Roark on your asses.
I have nothing I can say to you
But plenty to show you.
I am somebody
I am a force to be reckoned with
I deserve a voice
So sit up and listen
Stand up and take notice
I am more than the lint in my pocket
Or the holes in my shoes

Special thanks to Ayn Rand and her novel, The Fountainhead for inspiring this poem.

Literacy as Power

Hello to my few faithful readers. As you can see from this post I survived my Monday. I made small talk with my roommates and I would say that in general no one hates me. That's good... right? My mom keeps telling me that I need to just let it all roll right off my shoulders and be, As my grandmother would say, the bigger person. Honestly though, I really have been being the bigger person and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be that girl back in Orland who didn't take crap from anyone. It feels good to be that girl. It feels powerful.

Anyway, moving away from the past and into the present, Orland reminds me of what I really wanted to talk about today. I had my Content Lit class(at the ungodly hour of 8 am)and in class we talked about Literacy as three metaphors in an attempt to describe it. It seems like defining literacy and what it means should be easy but it really isn't. It isn't just who can read and who can't because that definition fails to include why people read and what reading is used for.

During the discussion and the reading I really connected to one particular metaphor, Literacy as Power. I grew up in a small town in a fairly small house that had a well built on sand. This means that there was almost never enough water. I remember spending a year sponge bathing and carefully planning my showers so that the majority of my hygiene happened at my father's house. Literacy is powerful for me because it is how I will keep from returning to that. My mom did a good job raising my brother and I but we always worried about money. It was hard not to. Literacy has provided me with the wonderful opportunity to better myself by going to college and establishing a career for myself.

Now, I know that teacher's, especially first year teachers don't make a lot of money but they make more money than I ever had growing up. I am excited to be entering into a profession that will not only make me more financially stable but also help to better the world. I will be affecting the lives of hundreds of children and helping to guide their thinking. I want to show them that passion, hard work and respect can get them out of their own worries and fears. Literacy is just one key to rising to new heights of freedom. To reaching dreams that people in my family and many people in families like mine never thought could be possible for them.

Help

Walk down the street
My head held high
Careful steps move quickly and confidently across the sidewalk
Never let them see you shaking deep down inside

The man who might as well be my brother
Turns his eyes away from my inquiring gaze
Says its not a big deal and changes the subject

I know his world is one of fear
And a hatred so deep it keeps him silent
I watch his mother drink beer after beer
And ride home with a man our family doesn’t trust

Walk into their house and feel the tension of a distant fight
See the boy I grew up with ready to kill
A look I know
Has to do with his mother’s heavy make-up.

Swagger a little on the street
I own this world
Smirk, a look of confidence
When deep down inside I want to escape

Come home on a warm summer’s night
The dogs are outside on the porch
They run excitedly to the car
We’re home

Home to a house with the backdoor broken open
Change jar missing
Medications gone
I guess they knew what they wanted

I know what I want as I saunter down the street
Hips swaying to my silent anthem
Escape from here, from this place.

Monday

It's Monday and this Monday comes with more than the usual dread of returning to the week. I usually don't mind Mondays. Since I have been at school they are almost a break. I work on weekends at Staples. All weekend and being able to get away from there and return to a normal week of school is usually a relief. However, this semester I have taken on quite a bit more. Since taking practicum, a fourth class and working weekends last semester I have developed this sense of "I am Woman" and this feeling that I can do anything.

Unfortunately, it has driven me to pick up two extra days a week of work at Staples and to think that I can handle living with 3 roommates. The pitfalls of having too much confidence my friends. The good news is that the new work habits I picked up in practicum have kept me from drowning in the very heavy reading load that I did not expect an English class on Poetry to come with. 120 pages of reading assigned Thursday and due Tuesday is a little much even for someone who doesn't work all weekend like I do, don't you think?

Anyway, back to my point. This Monday is especially dreadful because not only did my obsessive work habits drive me to completely ignore myself again but they caused a major fight with everyone in the very tiny apartment I am living in. The fight happened Saturday night and I worked all day Sunday so I haven't yet had much interaction with everyone. Frankly. I'm dreading it. I'm sure they must all hate me. Even I hate me a little bit. But can I really blame myself for trying to keep ahead so that I don't drowned under the massive weight that has become my life once again? Can I really blame them for not working as tirelessly as me? It just seems like it all comes so easily for them while I'm here exhausted all the time. I work 30 hours a week, and take 4 classes. They can't say the same. Why does it bother me so much(and it always has) to see others have things more easily?

The Good Kind of Tired

This Blog is called Of Love, Life, Writing and Everything in Between so I thought it needed some more writing. This seems appropriate after my last post.

The Good Kind of Tired

I’m getting tired again
But not my usual tired.
Not tired of the world
Not tired of people
Not tired of hatred and pain.
But the kind of tired that fills your bones
And makes you want to stay in bed late.
The kind of tired that seeps into you slowly
Because you’ve worked hard
And you’re almost at the end.
The kind of tired that makes you smile
Because you are proud of what you have accomplished
The kind of tired that also makes you sigh
At how far you still have to go.
I’m so happy to be this kind of tired for once.

Today is a New Day

I am getting ever closer to my final goal, being a High School English teacher. I only have 3 semesters(including this one) left until I am student teaching. Many of my professors here at UMF have stressed the importance of reflecting on what I am doing and things I can do to improve. I figured since I already have this wonderfully laid out blog with this beautiful color scheme that I should take advantage of it.

This will be my chronicle of what it takes to get my dream job.