Wishing I Could do More

Found out Friday that my friend's dad died. He had cancer and it was terminal so the family knew it was coming. It must have still been painful though. I love my friend very much but I wish he would just be honest with me. he says he is ok, that he is fine. I wish he would just say I am mess right now, you're right, please get me as far away as possible. But he won't. Not sure if I should barge in on his grief or not. He is the type of person that pushes people away when he is having a hard time.

He always tells me that a thing only affects you if you let it affect you. And that it doesn't have to. I don't know if I buy that. How do you let someone in and not let the pain of losing them affect you? How do you grow and learn if the world has no affect on you? In other ways, his philosophy makes sense though. All those people who I don't like shouldn't affect me because they don't have to unless I let them. And I shouldn't let them. I hope he is letting enough people who want to help him, in.

I wish there was something else I could do.

Sometimes You Just Need to Cry And to Write About It

I feel like there is a lot I can write about tonight.

It is my birthday again. Woo hoo. My dad had it right when he said that birthdays get less and less fun as you get older. I really wish it wasn't my birthday. I don't want to be 21. I don't want people to be making a big deal about it being my birthday just cause I am 21 now and can drink. My mom, my dad and David have all cautioned me on drinking. Well, dad didn't so much caution but ask me what I was planning on doing for my birthday so he could find out if I was planning on going out and getting drunk. All of my friends have asked me if they can take me out and buy me a drink. I don't want to drink. I wasn't saying no to alcohol in high school and for the last 3 years of college cause it was illegal but because I have no interest in drinking.

A) I have alcoholics and addicts in my family. Not really feeling the risk here.
B) I don't like throwing up. I don't want to spend my night barfing.
C) I realize one drink won't cause the two above but I have a lot of friends and if I let one friend buy me a drink I have to let them all buy me a drink and then I will be drunk. Also, how do I know it will be just one?
D) Anything I can do drunk I can do sober and remember in the morning.

I am also extremely jealous of some of my college friends and of Garret. In the summer they go back to their parent's houses and stay there. Even if it is only for two days a week, I bet that feels really nice. Many of them have someone to do their laundry for them, cook for them, and take care of them. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my mom's house, crawl into my little twin bed and say goodnight. I wish I was back in high school. I wish my mom was still cooking me dinner, washing my clothes and yelling at me for staying up too late talking to Garret online. I am tired. I am tired of school, work, bills, friends, family. The list goes on. I have Garret and I thank God for that cause I don't know what I would do without him to help take some of the load. But there are still times when I just want to curl up in my bed and do nothing. Just let the world pass me by. Just rest. Summer is supposed to give me a break.

Why did I want to go to school anyway? I think there was something to do with bettering myself and giving myself an opportunity to earn more money. All it feels like I am really doing is bending over backwards trying to please my professors, my bosses at Staples and my self in an attempt to earn enough money to live on and a piece of paper that says I am certified to teach High School English. Seems like a lot of work for a job where the starting pay is around 19 or 20 thousand dollars. Don't get me wrong, that is more money than I have ever seen but it isn't a lot. And I feel like my work should be worth more than that.

I hung out with my friends Heather, Alice and Jenna tonight. I had a very good time. It was nice to seem them all again and the movie we saw was a good one. I had fun. I have missed them.

But I cried on the way home. Mostly because of the stuff above. And because I was just very sad. It might be hormones. And a little because I was coming home to an empty apartment. I thought about sleeping at my mom's but I didn't have clothes to wear tomorrow and the cat was sure to be missing me. Plus I am too proud. My mom and I get along so much better when I am living apart from her. She and fight like cats and dogs when we live together. it was part of the reason I moved out. I don't want to go back home even for one night just so I don't have to be alone. I was the one who wanted to be out on my own. I have stayed the night there a couple times but it was convenience and to visit. I don't want it to be because I am avoiding being alone.

I am sure there is more I could write tonight. Probably a lot more. But my head really hurts and I should be getting to sleep. I get to see Garret tomorrow. He will be coming home with me. I have missed him.

My Day

Shower
Get dressed
Blow Dry Hair
Have Lunch
Make Bed
Wash Dishes
Pay Bill
Send out Netflix disc
Scoop Litter
Take out trash
Go grocery shopping
Meet up with Heather, Alice and Jenna in Augusta
Have a very good time

I think I got everything.

Pathetic

I am feeling a little pathetic. I don't want to go to sleep yet. Stupid movie has got me thinking about Garret. The Duchess. Such a sad, sad movie. Now I just want a great big Garret hug. I should go. Can't keep my eyes open much longer. Big, empty bed, here I come.

I Have the Best Friends

"You are loved and you will never be alone."

Love you too, Steve. Girl couldn't have a better big brother if he was actually her big brother.

Short Piece on What to Write

It is in here somewhere, that little spark that drives me to put words on the page. I want to dig deep down inside of it and get lost in a new world. A world created by my words, my voice, my eyes and my imagination. But there is nothing there. I close my eyes and there is nothing behind my eyelids. No picture springs to mind as I sit before the computer and stare blankly at the screen. My imagination is as blank as the page. There are no heroes to slay the dragons of writers block. There are no evil villains crafting maniacal plots for me to find creative ways to foil. No damsels in distress or otherwise. Nothing. Just a nagging need to write. Write. Write. Write. Tell me what to write?

Friendship

Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.

--Aristotle

The 21st

My friend Heather is coming home the 21st! I have been excited since I found out. I can not wait to see her. My friend Jenna and I are planning to abduct her as soon as possible. I have no idea what we are doin yet but it will be fun. You know those friends you have that no matter how far apart you get from each other (even if it is across the globe) you always find a way to meet up again? Those friends who even if it has been forever when you meet up it is like nothing has changed? That is what it is like when I am with Heather, Alice and Jenna.

Heather is the wild child among the 4 of us. I swear to God if you dared her to parachute out of an airplane and into a giant bin of jell-o she would do it. Every crazy idea I have ever had has been fully backed by Heather. "Hey, Heather want to go skinny dipping? Ok!" No topic, question, idea, nothing is off limits when you talk to this girl. You think I am free? I got nothing on this girl.

Jenna is the loud one. Everyone always thinks she is the troublemaker but she isn't. She is just the comedian. I can not count the number of times this girl has had us all on our sides clutching our stomachs and gasping for air because she has made us laugh way too hard. She makes anything Heather and I can come up with twice as much fun because she is usually making us laugh and scream as we do it. I love when she gets excited because she talks really fast. So fast that you only catch every second or third word. She is so amazing when she is happy and so awesome at making everyone around her equally happy.

Alice is probably the most down to earth. This girl has your back. Fiercely loyal to all her friends. She is one of those people that can read the minds of everyone she is with. When you hang out with her you find that she can finish your sentences for you. She is awesome to have around when you are trying to say something but you can"t quite spit it out. She gets it. No matter how complicated you think it is, she gets it.

Put us all together in the same room (or car) and it is mass mayhem. Heather and I are throwing out crazy ideas, Jenna is talking fast and making us all laugh till we pee ourselves and Alice is finishing all the sentences we can't finish because Jenna is making us laugh so hard. It is loud and exciting. It is comforting too. We always have fun even if it is just rating about boys, parents or life in general.

That is the other thing about my friends. They have always been there for me. Jenna and I have spent nights up late talking to Heather online, all three at different schools, trying to comfort each other. I have driven to Augusta to see Alice to let her vent for a few hours in my car with me. I have called Jenna up to cry to her about my latest heart break on the phone. Heather and I have taken turns making each other comfort food.

I really am very lucky to have such amazing friends. I can not wait to be with them again.

Born to be Wild

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Nick's Graduation

Yesterday was Nick's graduation. I am so proud of him. He has done so well. He has turned out to be an amazing person. He is kind, generous, creative, and quite possibly the most energized person I have ever met. When we were kids he was always running around everywhere. Only I could keep up with him and even I had difficulty with it. As he has gotten older he has settled down but he still has more energy than I can ever hope to have myself. There is just some air around him. Like bottled lightning. Captured for now but never settled.

I hope that he finds his true passion. I hope he takes that bottled lightning of his and applies it until he achieves everything he desires. I hope he finds happiness and friends who love him as well as his family does. I hope he finds struggles. Enough to test him but not break him. I hope he continues to learn and grow and add to his accomplishments. I wish him luck on his journey.

If you are reading this little brother, know that I am proud of you. Know that I love you. Know that to me you will always be my partner in crime, my little brother and I will always be there to help you.

Alone

I miss him. There I said it. I didn't say it all day yesterday or all day today. But it is true, I do. Especially because I didn't even get to talk to him really. I got home too late. And I tried so hard not to. I left dad's a little after 7 so I thought I would get home by 9:30 thus giving us at least an hour to talk. But nope. The car broke down and I had to start my car before I could go home. And my phone died as I was talking to him. Stupid phone. It had plenty of power when I left the apartment this morning. I get very lonely when he isn't here.

Getting Out of the Way

So earlier I was on my way to Subway to get some lunch for Garret and me when I started hearing sirens behind me. I looked in my rear view mirror and there was an ambulance coming up the street behind me driving fast with its lights and sirens on. All of the cars immediately pulled over to the side of the road in order to get out of the way so that the ambulance could get through. At first I didn't think anything of it but then a minute later a cop car came and another ambulance came up behind me heading in the same direction. Again, all of the cars around immediately got out of the way for the vehicles. It got me thinking. When it really matters people can be good. Even if it is just getting out of the way of a vehicle that is on its way to save someone else's life. I wish that there were more times in the world when people would show this kind of humanity.

But we don't. When it comes to allowing two people to love each other freely we get in their way. When it comes to allowing people to practice their customs, their holidays and their religions we often get in their way. The Puritans didn;t like it when other people got in the way of their lives so they came here to America in search of a place where they could live their life without interference. That idea brought forth the bill of rights and our constitution. Yet the spirit of those laws, those protections have not been carried over to now.

For example,
Why can't people just get out of the way when it comes to gay and lesbian marriage?

My Love

The first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is about him. The last thing I think about when I fall asleep at night is how nice his arms are around me. The middle of every day is plagued with thoughts about what he is doing, how his day is going and what he would think of this or what he would say of that. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else in the world. Sometimes we fight like cats and dogs. And sometimes being together could not be sweeter. Our love is as passionate as the lives we live.

I have been told that our relationship is safe. But they can't see everything under the surface. I care for him more deeply than I have ever cared for anyone or anything. I wish there was a way for me to show him. A way better than saying simply "I love you". And often I wonder if he feels the same for me. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves me. Very, very much. I just wish I knew exactly what was going through his head when he looks at me and says I am pretty. Or when he laughs at me and plays with my hair. Or when I snuggle into him early in the morning to insist that he wake up.

I do feel safe when I am with him. I feel like there is nothing in the world that can hurt me as long as I am in his arms. I know I have someone in my life now that will do anything necessary to care for me, always. But I wonder if he knows that I feel the same about him and just how far I would go for him.

A love like the one I have for him is the kind of love that they write great romances about. I love him more as time goes on. I love him better as I learn more about who he is and who I am. I love him a new every time I see him for the man I know he hides from most other people. And I love him for letting me see that man. It is enduring and timeless.

I wish there was a way to know for sure that he is mine forever. In that way it is no more safe than any other relationship. What is a "safe" relationship anyway?