Sometimes You Just Need to Cry And to Write About It

I feel like there is a lot I can write about tonight.

It is my birthday again. Woo hoo. My dad had it right when he said that birthdays get less and less fun as you get older. I really wish it wasn't my birthday. I don't want to be 21. I don't want people to be making a big deal about it being my birthday just cause I am 21 now and can drink. My mom, my dad and David have all cautioned me on drinking. Well, dad didn't so much caution but ask me what I was planning on doing for my birthday so he could find out if I was planning on going out and getting drunk. All of my friends have asked me if they can take me out and buy me a drink. I don't want to drink. I wasn't saying no to alcohol in high school and for the last 3 years of college cause it was illegal but because I have no interest in drinking.

A) I have alcoholics and addicts in my family. Not really feeling the risk here.
B) I don't like throwing up. I don't want to spend my night barfing.
C) I realize one drink won't cause the two above but I have a lot of friends and if I let one friend buy me a drink I have to let them all buy me a drink and then I will be drunk. Also, how do I know it will be just one?
D) Anything I can do drunk I can do sober and remember in the morning.

I am also extremely jealous of some of my college friends and of Garret. In the summer they go back to their parent's houses and stay there. Even if it is only for two days a week, I bet that feels really nice. Many of them have someone to do their laundry for them, cook for them, and take care of them. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my mom's house, crawl into my little twin bed and say goodnight. I wish I was back in high school. I wish my mom was still cooking me dinner, washing my clothes and yelling at me for staying up too late talking to Garret online. I am tired. I am tired of school, work, bills, friends, family. The list goes on. I have Garret and I thank God for that cause I don't know what I would do without him to help take some of the load. But there are still times when I just want to curl up in my bed and do nothing. Just let the world pass me by. Just rest. Summer is supposed to give me a break.

Why did I want to go to school anyway? I think there was something to do with bettering myself and giving myself an opportunity to earn more money. All it feels like I am really doing is bending over backwards trying to please my professors, my bosses at Staples and my self in an attempt to earn enough money to live on and a piece of paper that says I am certified to teach High School English. Seems like a lot of work for a job where the starting pay is around 19 or 20 thousand dollars. Don't get me wrong, that is more money than I have ever seen but it isn't a lot. And I feel like my work should be worth more than that.

I hung out with my friends Heather, Alice and Jenna tonight. I had a very good time. It was nice to seem them all again and the movie we saw was a good one. I had fun. I have missed them.

But I cried on the way home. Mostly because of the stuff above. And because I was just very sad. It might be hormones. And a little because I was coming home to an empty apartment. I thought about sleeping at my mom's but I didn't have clothes to wear tomorrow and the cat was sure to be missing me. Plus I am too proud. My mom and I get along so much better when I am living apart from her. She and fight like cats and dogs when we live together. it was part of the reason I moved out. I don't want to go back home even for one night just so I don't have to be alone. I was the one who wanted to be out on my own. I have stayed the night there a couple times but it was convenience and to visit. I don't want it to be because I am avoiding being alone.

I am sure there is more I could write tonight. Probably a lot more. But my head really hurts and I should be getting to sleep. I get to see Garret tomorrow. He will be coming home with me. I have missed him.