Everything Going on in my Brain

I never go anywhere or do anything. People invite me to stuff all the time but I always say no. People ask me to hang out and I try to make time for everyone but in the end I often have to say no. I hate that. I hate feeling like I am missing out on my life. Like I am missing out on a lot of things I would normally do. A lot of fun things. It is always work, or I am too tired, or I have school, or a number of other reasons.

I hurt. Everywhere. I hate being in pain but I find myself in pain a lot lately. I hate it. My knees hurt. My back hurts. My stomach hurts. I take so much ibuprofen and tylenol and midol that Garret makes fun of me. Says they are just placebos and that I take them like they are candy. He would too if he hurt like this.

All that pain and missing out on my life makes me feel old. Worn down, worn out and useless. Like life has already used me up and spit me out when I haven't even really gotten to live yet. I feel like asking, "Is this it? Is this all life has to offer me?"

I want to be kissed and touched and held and cuddled. I want to cry and cry and cry. I want to scream. I want to throw things. I want to hit things. I want to hit me. I want to hit others.

I want to stop going to work. I want to not go back to school in the fall. I want to spend the next year traveling. My friends are all embarking on new times in their lives and I am being left behind. They are getting married, having kids, starting school, graduating from school, traveling to foreign countries, moving on, moving out and moving up, getting new jobs, being promoted and just plain doing something with themselves. I have all these dreams that are just falling away.

And its you. It is all you. I ache with the need to either make you stay or make you go. I ache with the need to make you love me or make you hate me. I hate this waiting for us to fall apart. That is what I have been doing. Yeah, you said this was what you wanted but I don't believe you. You can't prove that to me. Just leave me. Please just leave me and go to grad school. Just go. Please, just go.