Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I have made the right choices. Sometimes I wonder if I am accomplishing everything I have wanted to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder if life could be better.

Life could be a hell of a lot worse.

Of that I am always sure. I could have no friends. I have amazing friends. Steve, Mel, Lindsey, Heather, Jenna, Alice.

I could have a terrible boyfriend. I have the sweetest boyfriend, Garret.

I could have a horrid family. I have a family that loves me and cares about me. I have a family that pushes me o succeed even when it means they don't see or hear from me as much as they would like to.

I could be jobless. I could not be in school. I love school. And even when I complain about my job I know I could be without one. I know I could be much poorer and I could work with worse people or not have one at all.

I must have done something right to have all this right in my life. So why do I wonder about everything else?

I have wanted to travel my whole life. I wonder what is holding me back? Is it really not having the time or the resources or is it something else?

I have wanted to keep acting. I loved everything about the stage. The fear, the nerves, the adrenaline. The way it just takes and takes from you until you don't think you can give it anymore and then you perform and it is all so perfect and it seems like it was all worth it. Did I really give t up for a few more hours at Staples, a bigger paycheck and more time to do my homework?

I love writing. I love crafting and being in the middle of somewhere else and feeling that heady power of something being created out of nothing but my own thoughts and feelings. Why haven't I done more to make sure my writing is read? Why haven't I put it out there more? Why haven't I been writing as much? Is it a dry spell? Inspiration just not coming?

I haven't got much time left here at school. I know that. I feel like I have put these things of till I am out of school because I have some idea in the back of my head that I will magically have more time when I only have one job and not two. I know I will get done with school, work at staples for a little while until i start my new job and then I will poor all of my energy into that job. I will tell myself that I will have time when summer comes around. But I won't. I will probably get a summer job to support myself while school is out or take summer classes to keep up my certification.

So what exactly am I waiting for?