The Man I Thought I Wanted And The Man I Want Now

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago I had a dream. I had this boy that I loved a lot. I cared for him and he for me. Time passed. He whispered to me about how he thought I was the one. I whispered back. We said pretend vows over an internet conversation in the dead of night with no one to stand witness. All of the "I Love You's" began to end with forever and for once I dared to hope. The years passed, two and a half to be precise, but who is counting. That summer he broke my heart twice. The first time he broke it with hi actions. No more fireworks. No more breathe taking kisses. Mild touches, or fierce caresses were the flavors of day and night. The second time was with words. In one conversation he took back everything I had ever hoped for. I didn't know it though. I thought that he was just scared. That he would change his mind. I kept on hoping. More years passed. Birthdays, Christmases, Anniversaries, Valentine's Days and all the holidays in between came and went. At each one I looked for it. The little box tied up with ribbon. And I knew that inside that box I would find a diamond ring, just for me. He would get down on one knee and ask me to be his forever. Till the end of time. He did change his mind. One night he woke me to tell me he loved me and how much he wanted a life with me. Another evening as we lay cuddled together, talking, and relaxing after a long day he spoke of a mutual friend recently getting engaged and told me how much he'd like that, to be married to me. I floated on air. I looked for the little box. I began to imagine our life together. I imagined where we would live. I imagined the dress, the place, my friends and family. But I am a practical girl. I reminded myself every time I began to dream to not put the horse before the cart. I waited for the little box. The little box never came. A fight one night like any other. Just another fight I thought we'd get through and move on after. Two weeks of a subtle tension hidden underneath the surface of everything we did. I waited for him to give me some sign the fight was over. I hoped the fight was long over. I thought we'd made up. But even after the making up I could feel him and knew that not everything was alright. I never suspected what was to come next. My heart broke a third time as I listened to him say he wanted someone else. It broke for the fourth and last time as I stood in our living room moving things into the other room, his room, so he would be more comfortable and he told me he loved me. The furniture was moved. The lines in the sand were drawn. Separate bedrooms. Separate lives soon to follow. The pieces of me were scattered to all four winds. I let them lie. I longed to not get up again. The ground I had long stood on had become unstable under my feet and I had no desire to try my chances on it again. Eventually, I learned to build new ground. Eventually, I learned who I was again. As the old saying says, "Time heals all wounds." What it does not tell you is that it heals even the ones you never intend to let heal. And love has once again found its way into my life. Sometimes I catch myself beginning to dream again. Sometimes I think of the life I want and I wonder if maybe this man is the one who is meant to stand beside me while I live it. I look into his blue eyes and he smiles at me. He always smiles at me. I realize now though that what I really long for is not the ring, or the dress. It is not the promise or party or the acknowledgement from all of my friends and family. What I want is a man who wants that. I want a man who wants to stand before his friends, his family, my friends, and my family and promise to care for me, love me, stay with me, cherish me, respect me, and grow old with me. I don't care about the ceremony and the pomp. I could even part with the ring, if I could know beyond a certainty that such a man was mine. Could ever be mine. But I suppose I will never know if I have that man until he asks me if he can make me those promises.