The Forever Sleep

There was a night not long ago that I lay in bed trying to sleep. I remember closing my eyes and thinking about how some old people die in their sleep. They close their eyes and somehow in their sleep they drift out of their bodies to never return again. It has always made me wonder what it is that holds us here. How do we stay in our bodies when often it seems much easier to just leave them?

It was then I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing. I slowed the beating of my heart. I tried to gently push my soul out of my body.

I don't know if I did this out of a real desire to die or more out of a curiosity. Could someone my age, 24, die in their sleep? Could my heart and lungs just stop working? Can a person will themselves to die? Why not? They say a person can will themselves to live.

I have many happy things in my life.

I really do like my job 90% of the time. It is hard. It is time consuming. And it is at times life draining. However, then a kid learns something, or says and does something that makes me realize I really am having an impact of some kind. I really am getting through to them somewhere.

I really do love my boyfriend. He manages to make me smile even on my darkest days. I can count on him to take care of me when I am sick. To comfort me when I am afraid. And to let me vent when I need to. He is my best friend and my partner in crime. I say, "Let's go" and he asks, "Where to?". I have never felt more like me or more free than I do when I am with him.

I have some really great friends. Friends who would do anything for me just to see me smile.

I should be less willing to leave it.