Dear Grampa Terrill,
You died June 16th, 1989. I was born June 25th, 1989. It seems cruel the way life felt the need to take a life before I could enter this world. It seems cruel that I never got to meet the man that had such a huge impact on my family's life. My mom always tells me about you more than anyone else. She told me about when her and dad were dating, how you would answer the phone and tell her dad was out with some little blond thing. She told me that if you were alive you would have spoiled me rotten. She told me about the day, standing in the kitchen looking at my very pregnant mom you declared that I was not going to be a boy and that I wasn't going to come early. You were right. I wonder how you knew. I wonder what made you so sure. It seems like you just knew me even before I was born. I wish I had gotten the chance to know you.
Mimi misses you, you know. I know she does. She doesn't talk about you much but every now then she does. One day a few years back she accidently called Brandon you. mom says Mimi is different since you died. She says you used to do all the shopping because Mimi was so afraid of driving and the grocery store. She isn't afraid anymore. Gradually she has come out. She still hates the big bridge and the highway but she will drive them when she has to. For a long time she went and did whatever she pleased. I think she liked being able to do that. I don't think it made up for her loneliness though. For many years all of us grandchildren took turns staying the night, one every weekend. I know she liked having us around. We liked being with her too. Now that we are older we no longer do that. Mimi married again. It was 8 years ago now on Valentine's Day. I think Raymond helps with the loneliness. I think she is happier now.
In some ways I know that your dying was good. I know that it made dad realize how short life is and I think it made him want to be a really good father to his kids from the beginning because he wouldn't be able to make up for it later. I think it made Mimi come out of her shell and be a stronger, more confident person. But it didn't help me. For a long time it was just another way that men leave women. it was just another reason to hate men and not want them around. It was another reason to be single. I realize now that you didn't leave us. I realize that you were taken from us. I know you had no choice. I hope you loved us as much as we love you. I hope you are watching us somewhere in heaven and are happy for us, proud of us even for finding a way to carry on without you. For making the most of what is left of life.
I still wish I knew you.
Love,
Dani
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