Day #13 Someone I WIsh Could Forgive Me

Dear Heather,

I remember when we first met. Freshman college prep English I with Mrs. Bourget. That was probably the most boring class ever. It was the first day and I didn't have any friends and the teacher told us we should get into groups of 3. I turned to you and Tori Mann because you two were the closest and we got into a group. I remember you being surprised I knew your name until I admitted I read it on your bag. Back then I was bold because I had nothing to lose. I had no friends and I figured that things couldn't get much worse. It was lucky for me that I met you.

We have been through a lot together. You were there for me whenever I let you in. Sometimes, a lot. Sometimes, like when all the stuff with Isaac happened, it wasn't until later that I realized that I should have let you in. I went to Chizzle Wizzle every year to see you. I loved watching you dance. We ate ice cream and watched bad movies in my room when you and Joe McCarthy were breaking up. I hated him for you. I still hate him for you.

I think that is what you are doing now for me. Hating a boy for me. Except I love him. And I am still with him. He really does make me happy. I wish you could forgive him. I wish you could forgive me.

I know you remember me as bold. I know you remember me as dancing until I want to drop dead, skinny dipping in my back yard, singing at the top of my lungs in the car, matching mood rings and bright green headbands (because what the heck, I can wear anything right?) but I don't think you see me as stay at home and cuddle in front of the tv. I don't think you see me playing scrabble and making lame jokes out of the little brown tiles.

I think you hate him because you hate me. I think you hate me because I am not the same bold girl I once was. You and I caused so much trouble and spurred each other ever on to new trouble. But now, I think I feel safe to you. I think you hate me because I'm not the bold you remember. I haven't been bold in a long time. Not like I was freshman year in English class. Not since Isaac.

I think you knew I wasn't as bold after that. But I think you thought that college would make me bold again. I wish you could forgive me for not being that girl.

I know you have never said any of this. But I can feel the distance between us. You say you feel uncomfortable around Garret because you feel like he judges you for drinking. I think you feel uncomfortable around me because I don't and you do. I am not that bold and you are. We have always before been equally bold. We have always been trouble together.

Forgive me for not being trouble. I miss you, my wild child.

Love,
Dani