The Man I Thought I Wanted And The Man I Want Now

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago I had a dream. I had this boy that I loved a lot. I cared for him and he for me. Time passed. He whispered to me about how he thought I was the one. I whispered back. We said pretend vows over an internet conversation in the dead of night with no one to stand witness. All of the "I Love You's" began to end with forever and for once I dared to hope. The years passed, two and a half to be precise, but who is counting. That summer he broke my heart twice. The first time he broke it with hi actions. No more fireworks. No more breathe taking kisses. Mild touches, or fierce caresses were the flavors of day and night. The second time was with words. In one conversation he took back everything I had ever hoped for. I didn't know it though. I thought that he was just scared. That he would change his mind. I kept on hoping. More years passed. Birthdays, Christmases, Anniversaries, Valentine's Days and all the holidays in between came and went. At each one I looked for it. The little box tied up with ribbon. And I knew that inside that box I would find a diamond ring, just for me. He would get down on one knee and ask me to be his forever. Till the end of time. He did change his mind. One night he woke me to tell me he loved me and how much he wanted a life with me. Another evening as we lay cuddled together, talking, and relaxing after a long day he spoke of a mutual friend recently getting engaged and told me how much he'd like that, to be married to me. I floated on air. I looked for the little box. I began to imagine our life together. I imagined where we would live. I imagined the dress, the place, my friends and family. But I am a practical girl. I reminded myself every time I began to dream to not put the horse before the cart. I waited for the little box. The little box never came. A fight one night like any other. Just another fight I thought we'd get through and move on after. Two weeks of a subtle tension hidden underneath the surface of everything we did. I waited for him to give me some sign the fight was over. I hoped the fight was long over. I thought we'd made up. But even after the making up I could feel him and knew that not everything was alright. I never suspected what was to come next. My heart broke a third time as I listened to him say he wanted someone else. It broke for the fourth and last time as I stood in our living room moving things into the other room, his room, so he would be more comfortable and he told me he loved me. The furniture was moved. The lines in the sand were drawn. Separate bedrooms. Separate lives soon to follow. The pieces of me were scattered to all four winds. I let them lie. I longed to not get up again. The ground I had long stood on had become unstable under my feet and I had no desire to try my chances on it again. Eventually, I learned to build new ground. Eventually, I learned who I was again. As the old saying says, "Time heals all wounds." What it does not tell you is that it heals even the ones you never intend to let heal. And love has once again found its way into my life. Sometimes I catch myself beginning to dream again. Sometimes I think of the life I want and I wonder if maybe this man is the one who is meant to stand beside me while I live it. I look into his blue eyes and he smiles at me. He always smiles at me. I realize now though that what I really long for is not the ring, or the dress. It is not the promise or party or the acknowledgement from all of my friends and family. What I want is a man who wants that. I want a man who wants to stand before his friends, his family, my friends, and my family and promise to care for me, love me, stay with me, cherish me, respect me, and grow old with me. I don't care about the ceremony and the pomp. I could even part with the ring, if I could know beyond a certainty that such a man was mine. Could ever be mine. But I suppose I will never know if I have that man until he asks me if he can make me those promises.

Back to the Beginning

Well, I quit my job at Ruby Tuesdays. I took my job back at Staples. I decided that the money wasn't worth being miserable all the time. So I'm back to making enough to pay the bills barely. Garrett moved in here and that has helped some. It means I can pay my loans more easily. I still need to call FAME again. They want me to pay 75 dollars every month and that is just interest. I can't afford to do that. I'm hoping they can help me figure something else out.

In the mean time it is back to square one. Working at Staples and looking for teaching jobs. The hiring season is coming back around and I should have even more time to look now. I applied for some ed tech III jobs today and I put together a packet for a long term sub job at Bonny Eagle. I really hope I get one of them. I just want to teach. I love teaching.

I knew that pursuing this dream would be hard. I knew that teachers don't make a lot of money. I knew that I would be broke. I knew that there would be a lot of hard work to get the degree and education I would need in order to teach. No one told me how hard it would be to get the job. No one said that it might be year before I do. No one said that there were teachers out of school subbing and just waiting for an opening to come up in their district. I thought I would be competing with new grads and veteran teachers. I didn't know about the hordes of people waiting in line already. People who have been out of school for years just waiting to get a job in their area.

I often wonder if maybe I should do that. Everyone keeps asking me why I don't sub. I have been worried that if I do that then I won't have a steady pay check every week. I need to know what I will make so I can pay my bills. But maybe I could work at Staples on the weekends and sub during the week? Garrett is living here with me now though and I don't want to have to burden him with things like gas for my car, my car insurance or my student loans. Those bills are mine and mine alone. If I cut my hours at Staples down to 16 or so a week then I risk not always being able to pay those. It will depend on the circumstances. Then again I would have the chance to make 60 dollars a day subbing. That is more than I make at Staples some days.

I'm never sure any more what gives me the best chance of getting a job. I'm not sure how to keep taking care of myself. I know that my family is always there for me but right now I hate to ask any of them for help. I know they are going through even harder time than I am. If only I could see into the future...

Work

I can no longer work at Staples. For one thing I am tired of the politics that are involved in all retail jobs. For another I can no longer support myself on what I make there. I decided I would look for a new job and leave Staples. I found a new job.

Things moved really quickly. Ruby Tuesdays called me and asked me to come in for an interview. I did. They asked nothing about me, my past, my goals, or my experiences. I was informed that I would be working their salad bar and given a description of the job. Then I was given the job. I was asked to come in the next day for an orientation. I found myself giving my two weeks notice at Staples before going to the orientation. At the orientation I filled out all the necessary paperwork, went through the employee hand book and then immediately started training with an associate there.

I find that I am having major regrets involving my decision to take this job. It is no where near what I want to do. I want to teach. My mom and I did not work our butts off getting me into a good college so that I could work in the kitchen at some restaurant. I did not struggle through 4 years of school at the nations top college for education so that I could not use my degree.

I find myself washing bathrooms, scrubbing floors, doing dishes, cutting vegetables, making salads, running from one end of the kitchen to the other and I'm not even sure why. So that I can make some money? So I can keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in the car, lights on, and the creditors off my back? Is that really a good enough reason to settle for the first opportunity that comes along?

I know I should be happy to have a job at all. I know that I should be glad to be working and not out on the streets. I am happy to work. I don't mind hard work. I just feel so destroyed that I can't seem to make my dreams come true. Isn't getting the job supposed to be the easy part so long as I have the right kind of education and skill set?

My mom thinks that I don't like this new job because I feel like I am better than this. She is probably right. However, that just makes me even more upset and mad. When did I get so stubborn and proud? Don't I have any humility at all?

I worked at Ruby Tuesdays tonight. I was there till almost midnight. I'm sore all over. I feel like I smell vegetables and sweat. I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I went and spent money I shouldn't have to eat at Denny's because I have no groceries, they were open, and I just wanted to eat a meal I didn't have to prepare or clean up myself. I'm so tired I didn't want to cook or clean up. I was willing to pay the price. I have been on my feet all day.

I spent my night at work running to and fro. I barely talked to any one. My brain was else where. I was doing at least 3 things at the same time all night. The job is fast paced and it involves a lot of juggling. But no skills. There is absolutely nothing about it that is fun or interesting. At least at Staples it was fun to make free samples and to interact with new people. I barely interact with anyone at this job. I don't have time.

I keep telling myself that this is temporary. But every time I say there is this little voice in the back of my head that whispers, "Staples was just temporary when you started there too. You thought you'd get a job in Farmington." What if this isn't temporary? What if I am doing this for a while?

Needless to say I am not ceased my job hunt. I just want to find a job where I like at least one thing. Where I genuinely enjoy at least one aspect. At Staples it was creating things, the other employees, and getting to meet new people (the nice ones any way). Here, there isn't anything.

Yes You Will

You will get a better job somewhere. You will continue to apply for teaching positions. You will get a teaching job some day. You will not give up. You are an amazing teacher and you just need to find the right school. Someone somewhere will see this and hire you. You did not go to school for so long and work so hard to give up after looking for 7 months. You have your computer back now and the teacher hiring season is coming back around. You will work harder and apply to more places.

You will do better.

Irrational

A long time ago I got hurt. This wouldn't be a big deal except he made me a promise. He promised to love me till the day I died, he promised to never end things with me, he promised that I was the one and always would be. Now a year after he broke all of those promises I no longer love him. I no longer want him. I no longer yearn for him to hold me in the middle of the night. But I'm still angry at him. I still hurt. Some days I imagine I will forgive him. I imagine unblocking him from Facebook. I imagine sending him a message and maybe trying to be friends. But then my stomach twists and my chest hurts and I realize that I am still angry and hurt.

I'm not even angry that he left me anymore. I know that I am happier now for it. No, the thing that hurts the most is the broken promises. The nights where I am home alone on my couch watching bad tv and wishing for someone to cuddle. The nights where I cry because work sucked or I got another rejection letter in the mail and there is no one to hold me. The nights where I'm sick and there is no one to hold my hair while I puke or make me soup or make me rest instead of cleaning. Those are the nights that I realize what I was holding onto so tightly was someone to take care of me the way that I took care of him. And then I hate him.

I hate him for making me weak. For making me feel like I need someone to help me through the hard times. I hate him for making me need someone and then taking that someone away.

I'm in this new relationship where I am extraordinarily happy. I'm happy because I have someone who loves me. I finally found someone who makes me feel more like myself. It feels like before with every other boy, I was pretending. Like I was trying to be someone who sort of resembled me but who really made them happy. I feel like I sacrificed a lot of things about myself to be with boys who didn't necessarily deserve me. And now I'm being me. Crazy, spontaneous, wacky, silly, me and he loves me. Encourages me even.

But I'm afraid. We have reached that point where things start to get serious. We start to make commitments, promises. I hear him saying them already. And I love it. I could see it. I could see this boy being the one. But I find myself hesitating. I don't want more broken promises. I don't see how this could end. How can you end a relationship where there is no fighting? Where we sometimes don't even finish a sentence and the other knows exactly what we mean. How can that be destroyed?

I don't know. But my experiences so far have told me that it doesn't last. I find myself looking for ways to hold onto him, to this feeling. To be sure that those promises we are making to each other can't be broken. I know though that that doesn't work. I can't hold on too tightly either.

I guess some fears, some feelings are just irrational.