The End of Year Two

So I have done it! I have managed to complete a second year of teaching. Or almost. Last day of school is June 18th. Only 13 school days left. It is going to be over before I know it.

I feel like I am standing at the beginning of something. This happened to me last year too. I got such high hopes for the summer right before it started. Last year, the first thing I did was take some time off. I figured I could afford to do nothing for a while. So I did. Then Garrett and I ventured off to Martha's Vineyard. When we got back I celebrated my birthday. And before I knew it, it was July. I tended to spend more time watching TV, reading or cleaning than doing anything else.

So this year my feelings about the summer are mixed. I have some plans put together already to work on things for next year. I have a workshop I am presenting with some colleagues of mine at the end of the month, then at the end of July I have a workshop on putting together MCL units and I have plans to meet with my team teacher (a lot!) to tweak and put together new units for next year. I also have some adventures lined up. I am going zip lining for my birthday and I am going to see Boston perform! I have a few other things I would like to do that I have put off for forever. Like writing, reading books, getting into a good fitness routine again, and doing some serious cleaning around the apartment. These plans are exciting and I look forward to them!

However, I remember what happened last year. I got so excited for summer. I made plans to get so many things accomplished. What ended up happening was good but it wasn't what I had hoped for. I was bored. I was lonely.

During the school year I don't mind things being just Garrett, Chloe and I. I don't mind dividing my time between them, school and family. I love the life I lead. But during the summer last year I slowly but surely lost all the friends who lived near me. And this year is not shaping up much better. If I am not careful I am going to end up spending the majority of my summer inside waiting for Garrett to get home from work. If I am not careful I am going to end up bored, lonely, and miserable.

I need a plan. I need a schedule. When will I go to the gym? When will I see friends? When will I write? When will I work on things for the next school year? When will I read(both professional and personal)? When will I go on adventures? How will I find ways to get outside? How late will I sleep? How will I get myself up and going in the morning so that I don't feel groggy during the day? And what will I eat every day?

And maybe.... even though I told Garrett I didn't.... maybe I do need friends who live closer.

But honestly? How does a person make friends when they no longer have classes? How do adults, who aren't in school, make friends?

I love the friends I have. Maybe that is part of the problem. No one else could ever be half as amazing as the friends I already have and so I don't even bother trying to make more.

Or maybe I am just afraid. I am so painfully shy. No one seems to know this. But it is hard for me to open up to people. It can take years. Everyone thinks that I am confident. No one seems to notice the way I shut up when ever I am surrounded by people I don't know. Or the way my hands shake and jerk when I have to eat or drink in front of strangers. No one seems to notice the way I pick at my food when I am nervous. Or the way I rub the sweat from my palms on my pants. No one seems to notice that when I do speak I am extra loud and giggly because the adrenaline is coursing through my veins. Or the way I am breathing and trying to slow my racing heartbeat. There are butterflies in my stomach and it hurts so much I am pretty sure I could be sick at any moment but no one seems to notice that either.

No. I am a good little actress who hides her symptoms behind lies. "I am just taking everything in."  "Oh, thank you but I'm not hungry." "You learn more when you listen than you do when you speak."