Yes You Will

You will get a better job somewhere. You will continue to apply for teaching positions. You will get a teaching job some day. You will not give up. You are an amazing teacher and you just need to find the right school. Someone somewhere will see this and hire you. You did not go to school for so long and work so hard to give up after looking for 7 months. You have your computer back now and the teacher hiring season is coming back around. You will work harder and apply to more places.

You will do better.

Irrational

A long time ago I got hurt. This wouldn't be a big deal except he made me a promise. He promised to love me till the day I died, he promised to never end things with me, he promised that I was the one and always would be. Now a year after he broke all of those promises I no longer love him. I no longer want him. I no longer yearn for him to hold me in the middle of the night. But I'm still angry at him. I still hurt. Some days I imagine I will forgive him. I imagine unblocking him from Facebook. I imagine sending him a message and maybe trying to be friends. But then my stomach twists and my chest hurts and I realize that I am still angry and hurt.

I'm not even angry that he left me anymore. I know that I am happier now for it. No, the thing that hurts the most is the broken promises. The nights where I am home alone on my couch watching bad tv and wishing for someone to cuddle. The nights where I cry because work sucked or I got another rejection letter in the mail and there is no one to hold me. The nights where I'm sick and there is no one to hold my hair while I puke or make me soup or make me rest instead of cleaning. Those are the nights that I realize what I was holding onto so tightly was someone to take care of me the way that I took care of him. And then I hate him.

I hate him for making me weak. For making me feel like I need someone to help me through the hard times. I hate him for making me need someone and then taking that someone away.

I'm in this new relationship where I am extraordinarily happy. I'm happy because I have someone who loves me. I finally found someone who makes me feel more like myself. It feels like before with every other boy, I was pretending. Like I was trying to be someone who sort of resembled me but who really made them happy. I feel like I sacrificed a lot of things about myself to be with boys who didn't necessarily deserve me. And now I'm being me. Crazy, spontaneous, wacky, silly, me and he loves me. Encourages me even.

But I'm afraid. We have reached that point where things start to get serious. We start to make commitments, promises. I hear him saying them already. And I love it. I could see it. I could see this boy being the one. But I find myself hesitating. I don't want more broken promises. I don't see how this could end. How can you end a relationship where there is no fighting? Where we sometimes don't even finish a sentence and the other knows exactly what we mean. How can that be destroyed?

I don't know. But my experiences so far have told me that it doesn't last. I find myself looking for ways to hold onto him, to this feeling. To be sure that those promises we are making to each other can't be broken. I know though that that doesn't work. I can't hold on too tightly either.

I guess some fears, some feelings are just irrational.

Nothing Is Impossible

It has been almost a year. December 9, 2010. About ten more days. Wow. Things are definitely different for me now.

I spend my days at work, with friends or chilling out at home watching tv on the internet. No more homework, no more classes, no more Farmington or school. I'm a college graduate who blew her supervisors and mentors away with her performance during her student teaching. I still haven't found the job of my dreams but I'm looking and I'm getting closer every day.

I no longer worry that the man I love is going to move away from me and go to grad school somewhere so far away that I won't be able to follow. Now I worry that I will be the one moving away. However, I have faith in the one I love and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this new relationship work.

The world doesn't seem as cut and dry. It isn't about occasionally eating out, going to the movies, and cuddling on the couch. It is much more alive and interesting. There are still days spent watching netflix and not bothering to put on real clothes but now there are also road trips, game nights, parties, weddings, yard work, birthdays, graduations, movies, the mall, the beach, exploring, hiking, live shows, music, festivals, pirates, adventures, and so much more. The list grows every day.

My life is looking more and more like me every day. It is looking more like how I always wanted to live it. Fun, exciting, a little spontaneous, happy and busy. The world seems to have gotten bigger. The possibilities seem endless.

If there is one thing I learned in the past year it's that nothing is impossible.

Who I Am With You And How I Love You

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
~Roy Croft~

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~

Loving Being Wrong

So I've been sick. I woke up Saturday with a headache well, actually it was more like a face ache. And I had hoped it was just that I had slept in too late. But then I woke up yesterday and it was worse. It was too hard to ignore the evidence I had an full blown painful sinus infection. Then I cried because I felt like shit but I knew I couldn't afford to miss work. They only scheduled me for 24 hours this week. So I got up and went to work. While at work I realized what I really wanted more than anything else was for Garrett to come take care of me and to cuddle with me. Normally I don't ask him to come look in on me when I know he is probably busy because I know I would feel bad and selfish. But I felt like I really needed him. So I asked him to come. He said he had to work Monday. So I suggested that he come the night before or after work Monday or that he simply skip work. I thought he would know that it was pretty serious since I pretty much never ask him to skip work for me. The boy said he couldn't because he needed to wash his work clothes for the next day. I told him that was a lame excuse and he agreed with me. I was furious. So I told him I was mad at him. I mean after all the things I do for him. I cook for him, I have taken care packages to him when he hasn't felt well, I have done his dishes for him before, I have baked him things to cheer him up, I have gone to the doctors with him. I have done everything in my power to make him happy. And I don't usually ask him to just come and hold me. And he was denying me something so simple because he had to do laundry.

He apparently was kidding. He had decided to give me the lamest answer possible so that I would know it was simple a stupid excuse so that he could come to Augusta and surprise me. I was flabbergasted. I felt so bad for doubting him. For thinking that he wouldn't want to come take care of me. I guess I am just used to putting in and putting in and not getting everything I need in return. I think part of me expected a no and when I saw it in a text message I didn't take any time at all to question it.

I should have more faith in him. He is so supportive of me. Even though I ask him how he feels about me maybe moving farther away for a teaching job he refuses to give an answers. He doesn't want to color my decision. He wants me to do what is right for me and my career regardless of his feelings. He does little things to make me smile all the time. I should have known he wouldn't hurt me like that. That he would want to be here for me as much as I want to be here for him.

I love that. I love this. I love him.

And Another One Bites The Dust

My friend Chucky is engaged! Yay Chucky! I am really very happy for him. I met his girlfriend once a while back and she was really a very sweet girl. The two of them have been together now for a year, maybe two? I can't remember. It is so awesome that Chucky finally found someone. In high school he was the guy who I always thought of as a little brother. He was always hanging out with me and moaning over a friend of ours. We considered giving dating a try once but in the end the idea was just a little too awkward. We are good friends and always have been. He listens to me gripe and I listen to him gripe. I see him every once in awhile and it's great fun. Chucky has always been unlucky in love. So it is nice that he is getting married.

However, I can't help but feel a little twinge of pain. An asshole really ruined the whole concept for me. He made me think that I had the person I was going to be with forever. But it was a lie. I don't know that I am capable of trusting someone that much again. I let someone all the way in. I planned a future with that person. I allowed myself to believe I would always have him to support and love me. I was wrong. I had never let myself think I would be married before. That was not something that would happen in my life. I didn't want to need someone that much.

And you know since then I find myself questioning all the time whether I believe that we all have a life partner out there. Do I really believe there is someone for everyone? Someone we will spend our entire lives with? Is it really possible to make it work the first time? Does marriage ever really work?

Just look at the relationships I have seen in my life. My mom and dad are divorced. Both of my dad's sisters have been divorced. My grandfather died shortly before I was born and my grandmother remarried about 8 years ago. My grandmother on my mother's side has 4 daughters, all with different men and I still don't know that she is married to George. My grandfather on my mother's side was married. had a girlfriend and got my grandmother knocked up at 15. What examples do I have in my life to show me that there is any possible way to spend your whole life with one person? It seems to me that there is always someone coming or going.

And I don't want that. I don't want to date forever. I don't want my heart to get broken repeatedly for another 20 years before I finally get it right. I want to meet someone who will love as I am and or who I am for the rest of my life. I want someone to take care of me when I am busy taking care of everyone else. I want someone's hand to hold when I feel like falling to pieces. I want to be able to trust someone even more completely than I trusted the asshole who broke my heart. I want what Chucky has. Faith. Love. Trust. Strength.

Will I ever have any of those things again?

What do I do?

I haven't written anything in a while. And when I have written it has been mostly sappy things. I think I need to write about other things.

I have spent a lot of time lately being angry and depressed. At the beginning of the summer I was stressed about money. Lets face it, I just got out of school and I am trying to support myself with only my part time job and a tiny bit of savings. Lucky for me my job gave me at least 30 hours a week and sometimes more. I managed to get on food stamps and that really helped. It was easier when I didn't have to worry about rent and food. I spent my summer enjoying my new love and going on adventures while using all my free time to look for a teaching job. Now the summer has come to a close and things haven't really gotten any better. In fact, they have gotten worse. The summer is over and I still don't have a teaching job. The store I was working at has closed and now I am working at a smaller store where I have to compete for hours. I'm down to 20 hours a week. It is October which means that school has started and there are fewer teaching jobs now then there were before. I had a car accident so my car insurance is going to be going up soon. In January or February I am going to have start paying on my student loans and I am barely making ends meet as it is. My options are dwindling.

I hate my job. I am going to admit right now that I feel stupid, alone and bored there. I miss teaching. I want to quit but I know that I can't quit. I need to find another job first. I know that I could probably get another retail job fairy easily but frankly I don't want to. I want to teach. I hate corporations. I hate business. I hate retail. I could move back in with my mom. I like my freedom though. I like my independence. I like being able to see my boyfriend whenever I want to. A friend offered to be my roommate but he doesn't want to live in Augusta and neither do I really. So I would need a new job first. I suppose I could transfer to another store. I don't really like that idea either. I need to do something.

The only thing I can really do is keep applying for teaching jobs. Apply for long term sub jobs and ed tech jobs. Keep going to work every day. Keep making money and paying my bills. could try to get a second retail job. There goes all of my free time though. I remember what working two retail jobs was like. I had no free time. And with Garrett leaving so far away when will I ever see him. But again, I am running out of options.

I think I need to work harder but I really don't have any motivation left. I realize that I balanced a lot more than this in college but I'm tired and I don't want to balance and work hard for what I want any more.

Now I am just sounding like I am whining. I think I will stop here before things get too pathetic.

I just don't know what to do.