I am Sick

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helicobacter_pylori

Two health center visits later and the stomach pains I have been feeling are finally explained. Follow the link above to find out exactly what it is that I have. I am currently on amoxicillin, clarithromycin and omeprazole. For ten days. My life is full of so much fun.

I also have a bladder infection. I find out tomorrow for sure but they are pretty certain that is what I have on top of this wonderful stomach bug. The antibiotics should have that cleared up soon though and if they don't I am to call them Friday and get yet another one on top of the stuff I am already taking. They gave me a pill while at the health center that relieves symptoms of the bladder infection and I think it is working because I don't feel like I really need to pee right now.

Anyway, Thank you, Mel for making me go Monday. Thank you, Mom for making me go again today. And thank you, Garret for supporting me. Love you guys!

My Week

I am painfully aware of how many more days I have until I get a weekend off. However, I am liking the idea that the only thing separating me from it is two essays and some reading. The plan for the next few days is as follows,

Today(Friday)
Do some reading for Wednesday
Have some lunch
Go to class
Work 3-9

Tomorrow(Saturday)
Sleep until 11
Do some reading
Get some lunch
Work 2-10
Relax and have supper with Garret

Sunday
Sleep till 11
Do some reading
Get some lunch
Work 2-6
Supper
Finish reading for Wednesday
Start on essays

Monday
Class 9:15-10:20
Work on essays
Lunch
Laundry and essays
More essays
Grocery shopping?
Dinner
Finish essays
Shower and Bed

Tuesday
Wake up at 10
Do the reading for my night class
Lunch
Class 1:40-3:20
Finish reading for night class
Memorize a poem
Dinner
Class 6:15 to 9:45
Shower, relaxing and bed

Wednesday
Class 9:15 to 10:20
Finish any reading for class
Lunch
Class 12:30-2:00
Food
Work 4-9
Food, shower and bed

Thursday
Wake up at 10
Finish reading for tomorrow and touch up essays
Class 1:40-3:20
Relaxing?
Cook dinner for Lindsey and me
Relaxing?
Maybe work on homework for Monday
Shower and bed

In an ideal world this is what my week will look like. For example I just wrote this when I should be doing some reading. I hope it works out.

Why Is This Class Important?

I am in class now. Yeah, that's right. I'm on my laptop in class, writing a blog. Something feels a little useless about me being here. Maybe I should be doing the unit plan that is due for this class tomorrow. I have been working on it since 10 am this morning. I'm taking a break. I love the professor for this class which is why I come every day but I shouldn't be doing this everyday.

At least I get a break from doing work. But is this really what I am using my time and money for? Facebook and blogging? And homework?

Still Going

I am still pushing toward my day off at the end of next week. I believe that I have made medium progress. I have gotten some work accomplished on my unit plan. Hopefully, I can work on it some more today and tomorrow and not have to worry too much about it. I am still exhausted and am still having stomach pains off and on. It is weird because they don't feel like cramps but more like I am either hungry or need to poop. I have been eating more during the day but my stomach still hurts like I am hungry. I have a feeling that it is just my body trying to tell me that I need a day in bed. I can't even think about a day in bed without closing my eyes and saying "mmmmmm." I keep reminding myself that it is on its way.

The weather lately has gone from being warm and sunny to cold and rainy. Scratch that, I just looked out the window and it is snowing. I love how in the two weeks leading up to spring it is beautiful out but then the minute the calendar says it is Spring it is cold enough out to snow. Lovely weather we have here in Maine. I am sure it is not contributing to my need to sleep. March seems like such a long stretch between February break and April. No wonder my school gives us a week in each month. They know we would go crazy if we only got the one week in February and that we wouldn't make it all the way to April without that week in February. Only like 3 weeks till break now. That sounds awfully good too.

Got some good news. it looks like my friend, Mel will be coming back to UMF. I am excited. I have been worried about not having any friends in Farmington again after this semester cause Lindsey will be abroad. It is nice to know that Mel will be here. I mean I have Garret but Garret is often busy when I am free. Plus we see each other all the time. I know that sometimes he needs a break from me and I probably need a break from him sometimes too. Although, I still would like to spend more time doing things with him and less time doing separate things. We are working on it. I t is hard cause we are both such busy people. I know we will figure it out eventually though.

Well, I missed breakfast this morning and I still have the shit ton of homework that I always do so I had better go do it.

The Plan

Do homework
Have Lunch
Do some more homework
Go to class
Do more homework
Have supper
Go to class
Try really hard to do more homework
Shower
Sleep

I just need to force myself through this week and next week. This week I have a ton of reading for tomorrow due and a unit plan due Friday. Next week I have two essays due on Friday on top of my usual stuff. However, I have a light work week this week and week. And if I can make it through this week and next week then I can enjoy my Saturday off. Yes, that's right folks I finally have a Saturday off! It is April 3rd which is perfect because it will give me a chance to rest after completing two major papers. WOO! This is the plan.

Feeling the Burn

My last few posts have been very short so I thought I would take some time to write a longer post. Really, I am just trying to not do homework. I finished the 32 pages of reading for tomorrow night's class so I think I deserve a break. Only a short one though cause I have a ton more to do before Wednesday.

I have been tired. I'm still tired. I can feel the need to slack off increasing every day. I hate spending every moment doing something because I know that if I don't I will fall behind. My professors and bosses at work say I have a strong work ethic. I say I have absolutely no life. I am doing exactly what they tell you not to do in college. I am throwing all of my energy into being a good student, a good employee, and into living on my own and leaving no time for fun. I swear that if I did not see Mel and Lindsey once every week I would go crazy. I am pretty sure they are the only reason why I haven't dropped dead for exhaustion yet.

I feel like I am an adult now and like I have been for a very long time. I miss having someone to cook and clean for me so that I could focus on school and work. I miss staying up late because it was fun. I miss late night talks with Garret. I miss being exhausted because I was up all night performing in a play. I miss getting in trouble for being up late giggling with my friends. I miss long car rides just to sit on the beach and soak up the sun all day.

I think I really just need to do nothing for a while and I don't see that happening. Even when April break gets here I am going to be doing homework because I have two books due as soon as I get back. Yeah, I have two books I have to have read over break.

Not really sure how much longer I can keep the pace up for.

Exhaustion

It is Saturday night and I am exhausted. It isn't even Sunday yet. Not sure I am going to get through this weekend and have energy for school next week. I have so much homework to do and I haven't started any of it.

Fool Me Once Shame on You, Fool Me Twice Shame on Me

Trusting you is such a bad idea.
Trusting myself when I am around you is an even worse idea.
So where do we go from here?

Where can we go,
where can we not hurt each other just by being close?
where is there enough space for us
to not drown in the heady waters
of our feelings?

Staying in Bed?

Didn't sleep well last night. Would like to stay in bed all day and do nothing. Considering the effect that would have on my life. Probably a bad idea. Off to do homework before class.

Being Something

You must wonder why I am relentless and all strung out.
I am consumed by the thrill of being something, I never thought I could be.
There is a push, a shove
That keeps you going up the hill
Even as it seems to just keep getting bigger.
I remind myself that it only appears that way.
The closer I get to being there
The further away everything—seems—to be.
I look back and my old life, shimmers like a far of distant memory.
I look ahead and the future draws me in like a smudged line on an old charcoal drawing;
Not quite there but not quite gone.

Thoughts of Today

"It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!" ~Mark Twain

“Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity.” The first time I ever saw this was on the bathroom wall at Bangor High School. I remember thinking that I wished that my high school was cool enough to have philosophical statements on the walls like that. All we had was call “207-623-4578 for a good time.” The irony there kills me.

"Poetry is in my bones."
"...a village elder who, observing the red northern lights in the sky following September 11, commented, 'There is too much violence in the world today.'"
Both from "Finding a Place for Poetry in the Classroom Every Day" by Sheri Skelton

Lots to Think About

The good news is that I finally got caught up on sleep. I got to sleep in until 10:30 on Saturday and then I slept until 11 on Sunday and went to bed pretty early that night so I woke up rather well rested yesterday. in fact, I was so well rested I had a hard time falling asleep last night.

On the other hand I am overly sensitive to being teased, my stomach hurts and I have very little ambition. I'm glad I got so much work done yesterday and Sunday cause I have no ambition to do anything today. I have all of my homework up till Friday finished and I have half of that finished. I just need to do the reading for my other English class and a commonplace journal. Woo. My life is very exciting. I do homework until I can't do homework anymore.

Yesterday, I also did a small load of laundry, went grocery shopping and checked out cell phones. I was thinking about getting a plan but they are very expensive. And they don't include texts. It is extra for texts. Now I am trying to decide if I should stay with what I have or go with Straight Talk. It is an off shoot of Tracfone and another type of prepaid phone. It requires you to pay 30 dollars every month to get 1000 minutes, 1000 texts, and 300mgb of internet or pay 45 dollars a month and get all that unlimited. It might be worth it since I am already paying 40 a month to get 400 minutes a month and that includes texts. They subtracted my texts from my minutes. And of course that is just during the school year. I'll be using more over the summer cause Garret and I text a ton when we are apart. However, it means spending 100 dollars to get a new phone. It is a pretty nice phone though. My only phone. Lots to think about.

Is It Bedtime Yet?

I can not wait for it to be Sunday. I need that day off. I need to sleep and sleep and sleep. I could spend all day in bed and still not get enough sleep. What is wrong with this picture? I am normal bored by too much non movement or too little intellectual stimulation. I always need a book or to be doing something but lately all I want is a comfy bed, a nice blanket and a few hours undisturbed. I went to bed at 11 last night in an attempt to get some extra sleep. Didn't happen. i woke up twice during the middle of the night and couldn't get right back to sleep. Once, because I stretched and got a charlie horse in my left calf. I hate them. They hurt so bad! And then I woke up again because I had a very weird dream. I could not fall back to sleep after that either. Why are all of my attempts to sleep fouled? Good thing today is Friday. I can sleep in until 11 tomorrow so maybe if I go to bed by 1 or so tonight I will finally get enough rest. I really need it because I felt sick this morning. Yeah, sick. Like I wanted to throw up. Which means my body is exhausted and wants me to pay attention and get some sleep before I end up spending the next morning crouched over the toilet gagging and trying to throw up and failing because there is nothing in my stomach. I have spent a half an hour like that before and it is no fun. I'm not looking forward to it again.

So now I have to go eat, print off a paper, get ready for work and class, go to class and then rush out of class to work so that I won't be late. I then get to spend 6 hours tired and probably a little cranky helping cranky customers and pretending to be nice. I hope someone fun is working tonight. Sometimes that helps make the night go by faster.

Revised This is me

I just got out of my night class where we workshopped this poem. I decided to use some of the suggestions. I think I like the revision better. Thoughts?

Do you wish to know me?
I am
Dancing, White trash,
A silver ring with an oval jade stone.

I am
Pride, Hometown pride.
A large bridge that touches the sky,
Trees, Blueberry fields.

I am
Running,
Wild under the summer sun.
Riding in the car,
Windows rolled down,
Music blaring,
Singing.

I am Stubborn.
I am Water, Beaches, And Deer,
And Frogs that sing you to sleep.
I am all of these things and more.
It’s nice to meet you.

This is me

Do you wish to know me?
I am…
Dancing,
White trash,
A silver ring with an oval jade stone.
I am …
Pride,
Hometown pride.
I am…
A large bridge that touches the sky,
Trees,
Blueberry fields.
I am …
Running wild under the summer sun.
I am riding in the car,
Car windows rolled down,
Music blaring,
Singing.
I am Stubborn.
I am Water,
I am Beaches
And Deer
And Frogs that sing you to sleep.
I am all of these things and more.
It’s nice to meet you.

It Isn't Depression

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html?pagewanted=1

Very interesting article on depression. It got me wondering if maybe I suffer from depression. The article mentions being tired all the time and fixating on death. Both things that plague me. I can never get enough sleep lately and ever since this summer I have been thinking and thinking about death. Maybe events in my life triggered it? I certainly go over and over things and wonder what I could have done differently. I am of an obsessive nature. My brain feels it needs to repeat the events that took place with Amy and Tim all the time. Or the fights that Garret and I have had. It makes me think that maybe I have done something terribly wrong or wonder what I could have done differently. I wonder if maybe I made a mistake.

*sighs*. I was so happy for Christmas break. The happiest I have been in a long time. I had a break from school and all I worried about was work and what I was to eat that day. Garret and I spent our time lounging, cuddling and having fun. It is way more likely that I'm not depressed but rather exhausted from the stress of Staples and school on top of each other. I just need a lazy day. And I will get one soon. Sunday I don't have to work. I can spend all week getting ahead on homework and maybe I can take Sunday mostly off. Sleep sounds so good even though I didn't get out of bed till 10:20. I'm also getting close to my period so that is probably a contributing factor too. Maybe I will just do my homework and then take a nap. Yeah, that is what I will do.

Am I Burning Out?

I am starting to think that maybe I am doing a little too much. I did a lot of school and work last semester and while I am not doing nearly as many hours this semester I am getting tired of always being stressed and feeling like I am never caught up on homework. I am tired a lot of the time and I spend a lot of time wishing I could read for myself or watch tv without having to read a book for school at the same time. I read for school all the time. School reading is so time consuming because. There is always 150 pages or more do at a time and just as I finish that I get assigned another 150 pages or so to do. When do professors expect me to have time to do all of this reading? Do they realize that reading is the homework that takes up the most of my time? I am sitting here writing this because I need to vent and while I am sitting here I am thinking I need to read Gulliver's Travels which is 250 pages and due Wednesday. I'm on on page 98 because I have been at work all weekend.

I keep thinking that maybe I should try to get a little bit more time off from work but then I realize that by cutting my hours down from 32 a week to 26 or 28 I have cut my paycheck from almost 250 to about 180. It doesn't seem like much but it seems like a lot because I buy 60 dollars or more worth of groceries every week and I pay gas for my car and insurance and electricity and internet and rent. Most of that comes out of that pay check. I need to make money so I can save my loan money so I don't get into debt after school but I also need to have time to breathe and do school work and sleep so I can get good grades.

Most people stress because they put off their homework. I stress when I don't manage to get all of the homework through to Friday done on Monday because I start to worry I won't get it done on time. I have no idea how I am managing to keep up and I'm really not sure how much longer I can do it.

I keep telling myself I just have March, April and a little bit of May left till school is over for the summer and that I can make it through that. Hopefully, I can. I have this coming Sunday off to be on campus to see a movie for class so that will be a nice break. I asked for the Sunday after that off too so I could go to dad's but they have me closing the Saturday before that so it probably isn't going to happen. I'll probably just end up enjoying those two Sundays off. Then I get April vacation which I think I will just not tell work about so that I can have some days off that week and this time I think I will try to spend more of break relaxing and less of it driving everywhere on Earth. Then of course there is the 24th of April. That is my Praxis II test which I asked for off cause I am not going to be in the mood to work that day after getting up early and taking a two hour test at 7:30 in the morning. That is both a nice day off and a stressful day. I really need to pass it. I don't want to spend another 80 to 130 dollars on that test. Its 130 the first time cause there is a 50 dollar registration fee. If I retake it within a year I don't have to pay that again but still. Lets not spend more than we have to.

I don't know. I know I need the money from work if I want to still be able to pay my bills without running out of money from school loans. I also know that I am exhausted all the time. And stressed. I feel like laying in bed all day and not moving. Just sleeping. I should go to bed cause I have to get up for class tomorrow and I am already exhausted from work today. I guess I still don't have any answers. Goodnight.