Found out Friday that my friend's dad died. He had cancer and it was terminal so the family knew it was coming. It must have still been painful though. I love my friend very much but I wish he would just be honest with me. he says he is ok, that he is fine. I wish he would just say I am mess right now, you're right, please get me as far away as possible. But he won't. Not sure if I should barge in on his grief or not. He is the type of person that pushes people away when he is having a hard time.
He always tells me that a thing only affects you if you let it affect you. And that it doesn't have to. I don't know if I buy that. How do you let someone in and not let the pain of losing them affect you? How do you grow and learn if the world has no affect on you? In other ways, his philosophy makes sense though. All those people who I don't like shouldn't affect me because they don't have to unless I let them. And I shouldn't let them. I hope he is letting enough people who want to help him, in.
I wish there was something else I could do.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sometimes You Just Need to Cry And to Write About It
I feel like there is a lot I can write about tonight.
It is my birthday again. Woo hoo. My dad had it right when he said that birthdays get less and less fun as you get older. I really wish it wasn't my birthday. I don't want to be 21. I don't want people to be making a big deal about it being my birthday just cause I am 21 now and can drink. My mom, my dad and David have all cautioned me on drinking. Well, dad didn't so much caution but ask me what I was planning on doing for my birthday so he could find out if I was planning on going out and getting drunk. All of my friends have asked me if they can take me out and buy me a drink. I don't want to drink. I wasn't saying no to alcohol in high school and for the last 3 years of college cause it was illegal but because I have no interest in drinking.
A) I have alcoholics and addicts in my family. Not really feeling the risk here.
B) I don't like throwing up. I don't want to spend my night barfing.
C) I realize one drink won't cause the two above but I have a lot of friends and if I let one friend buy me a drink I have to let them all buy me a drink and then I will be drunk. Also, how do I know it will be just one?
D) Anything I can do drunk I can do sober and remember in the morning.
I am also extremely jealous of some of my college friends and of Garret. In the summer they go back to their parent's houses and stay there. Even if it is only for two days a week, I bet that feels really nice. Many of them have someone to do their laundry for them, cook for them, and take care of them. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my mom's house, crawl into my little twin bed and say goodnight. I wish I was back in high school. I wish my mom was still cooking me dinner, washing my clothes and yelling at me for staying up too late talking to Garret online. I am tired. I am tired of school, work, bills, friends, family. The list goes on. I have Garret and I thank God for that cause I don't know what I would do without him to help take some of the load. But there are still times when I just want to curl up in my bed and do nothing. Just let the world pass me by. Just rest. Summer is supposed to give me a break.
Why did I want to go to school anyway? I think there was something to do with bettering myself and giving myself an opportunity to earn more money. All it feels like I am really doing is bending over backwards trying to please my professors, my bosses at Staples and my self in an attempt to earn enough money to live on and a piece of paper that says I am certified to teach High School English. Seems like a lot of work for a job where the starting pay is around 19 or 20 thousand dollars. Don't get me wrong, that is more money than I have ever seen but it isn't a lot. And I feel like my work should be worth more than that.
I hung out with my friends Heather, Alice and Jenna tonight. I had a very good time. It was nice to seem them all again and the movie we saw was a good one. I had fun. I have missed them.
But I cried on the way home. Mostly because of the stuff above. And because I was just very sad. It might be hormones. And a little because I was coming home to an empty apartment. I thought about sleeping at my mom's but I didn't have clothes to wear tomorrow and the cat was sure to be missing me. Plus I am too proud. My mom and I get along so much better when I am living apart from her. She and fight like cats and dogs when we live together. it was part of the reason I moved out. I don't want to go back home even for one night just so I don't have to be alone. I was the one who wanted to be out on my own. I have stayed the night there a couple times but it was convenience and to visit. I don't want it to be because I am avoiding being alone.
I am sure there is more I could write tonight. Probably a lot more. But my head really hurts and I should be getting to sleep. I get to see Garret tomorrow. He will be coming home with me. I have missed him.
It is my birthday again. Woo hoo. My dad had it right when he said that birthdays get less and less fun as you get older. I really wish it wasn't my birthday. I don't want to be 21. I don't want people to be making a big deal about it being my birthday just cause I am 21 now and can drink. My mom, my dad and David have all cautioned me on drinking. Well, dad didn't so much caution but ask me what I was planning on doing for my birthday so he could find out if I was planning on going out and getting drunk. All of my friends have asked me if they can take me out and buy me a drink. I don't want to drink. I wasn't saying no to alcohol in high school and for the last 3 years of college cause it was illegal but because I have no interest in drinking.
A) I have alcoholics and addicts in my family. Not really feeling the risk here.
B) I don't like throwing up. I don't want to spend my night barfing.
C) I realize one drink won't cause the two above but I have a lot of friends and if I let one friend buy me a drink I have to let them all buy me a drink and then I will be drunk. Also, how do I know it will be just one?
D) Anything I can do drunk I can do sober and remember in the morning.
I am also extremely jealous of some of my college friends and of Garret. In the summer they go back to their parent's houses and stay there. Even if it is only for two days a week, I bet that feels really nice. Many of them have someone to do their laundry for them, cook for them, and take care of them. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my mom's house, crawl into my little twin bed and say goodnight. I wish I was back in high school. I wish my mom was still cooking me dinner, washing my clothes and yelling at me for staying up too late talking to Garret online. I am tired. I am tired of school, work, bills, friends, family. The list goes on. I have Garret and I thank God for that cause I don't know what I would do without him to help take some of the load. But there are still times when I just want to curl up in my bed and do nothing. Just let the world pass me by. Just rest. Summer is supposed to give me a break.
Why did I want to go to school anyway? I think there was something to do with bettering myself and giving myself an opportunity to earn more money. All it feels like I am really doing is bending over backwards trying to please my professors, my bosses at Staples and my self in an attempt to earn enough money to live on and a piece of paper that says I am certified to teach High School English. Seems like a lot of work for a job where the starting pay is around 19 or 20 thousand dollars. Don't get me wrong, that is more money than I have ever seen but it isn't a lot. And I feel like my work should be worth more than that.
I hung out with my friends Heather, Alice and Jenna tonight. I had a very good time. It was nice to seem them all again and the movie we saw was a good one. I had fun. I have missed them.
But I cried on the way home. Mostly because of the stuff above. And because I was just very sad. It might be hormones. And a little because I was coming home to an empty apartment. I thought about sleeping at my mom's but I didn't have clothes to wear tomorrow and the cat was sure to be missing me. Plus I am too proud. My mom and I get along so much better when I am living apart from her. She and fight like cats and dogs when we live together. it was part of the reason I moved out. I don't want to go back home even for one night just so I don't have to be alone. I was the one who wanted to be out on my own. I have stayed the night there a couple times but it was convenience and to visit. I don't want it to be because I am avoiding being alone.
I am sure there is more I could write tonight. Probably a lot more. But my head really hurts and I should be getting to sleep. I get to see Garret tomorrow. He will be coming home with me. I have missed him.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
My Day
Shower
Get dressed
Blow Dry Hair
Have Lunch
Make Bed
Wash Dishes
Pay Bill
Send out Netflix disc
Scoop Litter
Take out trash
Go grocery shopping
Meet up with Heather, Alice and Jenna in Augusta
Have a very good time
I think I got everything.
Get dressed
Blow Dry Hair
Have Lunch
Make Bed
Wash Dishes
Pay Bill
Send out Netflix disc
Scoop Litter
Take out trash
Go grocery shopping
Meet up with Heather, Alice and Jenna in Augusta
Have a very good time
I think I got everything.
Pathetic
I am feeling a little pathetic. I don't want to go to sleep yet. Stupid movie has got me thinking about Garret. The Duchess. Such a sad, sad movie. Now I just want a great big Garret hug. I should go. Can't keep my eyes open much longer. Big, empty bed, here I come.
I Have the Best Friends
"You are loved and you will never be alone."
Love you too, Steve. Girl couldn't have a better big brother if he was actually her big brother.
Love you too, Steve. Girl couldn't have a better big brother if he was actually her big brother.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Short Piece on What to Write
It is in here somewhere, that little spark that drives me to put words on the page. I want to dig deep down inside of it and get lost in a new world. A world created by my words, my voice, my eyes and my imagination. But there is nothing there. I close my eyes and there is nothing behind my eyelids. No picture springs to mind as I sit before the computer and stare blankly at the screen. My imagination is as blank as the page. There are no heroes to slay the dragons of writers block. There are no evil villains crafting maniacal plots for me to find creative ways to foil. No damsels in distress or otherwise. Nothing. Just a nagging need to write. Write. Write. Write. Tell me what to write?
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