RUNNING!

January of 2013 I made a New Year's resolution to climb Katahdin. In order to get fit enough the accomplish this goal I bought myself some workout clothes, downloaded a calorie tracker on my phone and then signed up for a monthly gym membership.

My workout routine was 3 times a week. I would come home from work, cook us a quick dinner, and then I would jump in the car and drive to Bangor to meet Devan for our workout. We did everything there. We walked on the treadmill, we did the elliptical, we rode the bikes, we tried the arc trainer, and we tried the circuit training they have set up.

In the end our favorite thing was running. We hated the fact that afterwards we were too tired to move. But we felt sexier. Thinner. Lighter. So we kept doing it. We saw major results. I was down to 174 by the end of March. This was the thinnest I had been since senior year of college and I loved it.

We felt so good we signed up for a 5K. Unfortunately, Devan ended up injured right before race day and so I had to run the race by myself. It was hard. It was grueling. I am pretty sure I did more walking than running. But the other runners. Man, oh man.... the other runners were superb. They cheered me on. They stopped and ran beside me. A couple of ladies got tired and we finished the race together. It was the best feeling in the world when I crossed that finish line. I celebrated with a fried cheese melt and by signing up to do another 5K. 

Eventually Devan went to Scotland. When she came back we were no longer in a good routine. Things fell apart and we both ate the weight back on. I managed to complete my second 5K and do a decent job. The race was again amazing and for a while they inspired me to keep working on running. But it just didn't stick.

I did not return to the gym. At the end of November of 2013 I was horrified to step on a scale and realize I weighed 185. I had not only gained back every pound I had ever lost but I had gained 5 more pounds on top of that. I tried to go back to the gym. I went for a month. I tried this new app I had downloaded on my phone, C25K. Couch to 5K in just weeks was the advertisement. I hated it. every night I would leave the gym more exhausted than the last. I dreaded going to the gym. I fell asleep in the car on the ride home. I fell asleep in the shower, standing up. I didn't lose a single pound.  Clearly something was wrong.

I stopped going again. I figured that until I figured out how to go to the gym without feeling like shit every time I left there was no point in going. Not to mention my gym buddy was no longer in the state. The gym was no longer fun.

For a month I didn't step foot in the gym. Then I picked myself up and started going again. It's hard to make time to go to the gym. It is hard to watch what I eat carefully and to measure portions correctly. It is hard to get on the treadmill and see others running as fast as they can beside you while you struggle to breathe after 30 seconds of running.

But it is harder still to know that I was on my way to having a body I felt proud of. To know that for months I walked around with knees that were pain free. To know that I sleep better when I keep active. It is harder to look in the mirror and feel like you are a skinny person who is buried underneath a mound of fat.

When I went back to the gym I decided I would no longer do any running. My cousin is a physical therapist and my close-friend is a massage therapist. They both told me that running would be awful for my legs and that unless I had consent from my doctor I shouldn't even be trying it.

Secretly, I disagreed. My knees had never felt better than when I had spent all those months running. But I knew I had lost all the strength I had spent months building up in them so I listened.

For months now I have been doing working on both cardio and on strengthening my legs. Today I did ten minutes of yoga and tonight I strapped on my running shoes.

It was hard. I think I ran down the street a total of 30 seconds before my stomach cramped, my throat and tongue burned, and my legs felt devoid of oxygen completely. But I ran. I ran/walked for 12 minutes, for a total of 0.7 miles before I decided I should go in, sit down and breathe. For that time I felt good. The air smelled sweet and warm. The wind caressed my face. And all sounds were drowned out by the music blasting through my ear buds.

I am a runner.

The End of Year Two

So I have done it! I have managed to complete a second year of teaching. Or almost. Last day of school is June 18th. Only 13 school days left. It is going to be over before I know it.

I feel like I am standing at the beginning of something. This happened to me last year too. I got such high hopes for the summer right before it started. Last year, the first thing I did was take some time off. I figured I could afford to do nothing for a while. So I did. Then Garrett and I ventured off to Martha's Vineyard. When we got back I celebrated my birthday. And before I knew it, it was July. I tended to spend more time watching TV, reading or cleaning than doing anything else.

So this year my feelings about the summer are mixed. I have some plans put together already to work on things for next year. I have a workshop I am presenting with some colleagues of mine at the end of the month, then at the end of July I have a workshop on putting together MCL units and I have plans to meet with my team teacher (a lot!) to tweak and put together new units for next year. I also have some adventures lined up. I am going zip lining for my birthday and I am going to see Boston perform! I have a few other things I would like to do that I have put off for forever. Like writing, reading books, getting into a good fitness routine again, and doing some serious cleaning around the apartment. These plans are exciting and I look forward to them!

However, I remember what happened last year. I got so excited for summer. I made plans to get so many things accomplished. What ended up happening was good but it wasn't what I had hoped for. I was bored. I was lonely.

During the school year I don't mind things being just Garrett, Chloe and I. I don't mind dividing my time between them, school and family. I love the life I lead. But during the summer last year I slowly but surely lost all the friends who lived near me. And this year is not shaping up much better. If I am not careful I am going to end up spending the majority of my summer inside waiting for Garrett to get home from work. If I am not careful I am going to end up bored, lonely, and miserable.

I need a plan. I need a schedule. When will I go to the gym? When will I see friends? When will I write? When will I work on things for the next school year? When will I read(both professional and personal)? When will I go on adventures? How will I find ways to get outside? How late will I sleep? How will I get myself up and going in the morning so that I don't feel groggy during the day? And what will I eat every day?

And maybe.... even though I told Garrett I didn't.... maybe I do need friends who live closer.

But honestly? How does a person make friends when they no longer have classes? How do adults, who aren't in school, make friends?

I love the friends I have. Maybe that is part of the problem. No one else could ever be half as amazing as the friends I already have and so I don't even bother trying to make more.

Or maybe I am just afraid. I am so painfully shy. No one seems to know this. But it is hard for me to open up to people. It can take years. Everyone thinks that I am confident. No one seems to notice the way I shut up when ever I am surrounded by people I don't know. Or the way my hands shake and jerk when I have to eat or drink in front of strangers. No one seems to notice the way I pick at my food when I am nervous. Or the way I rub the sweat from my palms on my pants. No one seems to notice that when I do speak I am extra loud and giggly because the adrenaline is coursing through my veins. Or the way I am breathing and trying to slow my racing heartbeat. There are butterflies in my stomach and it hurts so much I am pretty sure I could be sick at any moment but no one seems to notice that either.

No. I am a good little actress who hides her symptoms behind lies. "I am just taking everything in."  "Oh, thank you but I'm not hungry." "You learn more when you listen than you do when you speak."

Hurricane or Drizzle?

I love John Green. In his book, Looking for Alaska, Pudge says, "...if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." I must have read this one line five times. God, I want to be that girl. I want to be a hurricane. I realize that the girl Pudge is referring to is a hot mess but she is a lot of other things too. She is alive. She is vibrant. She is funny. She is smart. She is adventurous. She is dangerous. She is stronger than she thinks. And she is unforgettable. 

I used to be that girl. But lately... I feel more like drizzle. I feel like the violets, crimsons, and cyans of my life have dulled and muted. I feel bland. It's the same thing day in and day out. I get up. I work. I come home. I go to the gym. I watch tv. I sleep. Repeat. On my days off I work or clean house. Where is my adventure? Where are the days of jumping in the puddles gone? Where are the long car rides to no where with the windows down and the music blaring? Where are the sunsets streaked with fiery orange and neon pinks? Where are the mountains I used to hike? What happened to dancing? And to making love until the sun the came up? 

What happened to the girl who I loved? 

A long time ago I went on a mission to find me again. What I found was a fierce, independent, hurricane. How did she become drizzle? Where is my fire? My passion? Where is my sense of adventure? Has it been hibernating through the long winter months waiting till summer to go back? Or did I lose myself in someone else again? 

That's what I fear. Maybe I have forgotten her again. 

Either way the question in my heart is stil, "how do I get her back?"

Feeling Discouraged

January 1, 2013 I made a New Years Resolution. I decided that I had accomplished my goal of becoming a teacher and so it was time to set a new goal. On my way to becoming a teacher I was very unhealthy. I did not make healthy eating choices, I never worked out, and certainly did not always follow the directions of my physical therapist. I put those things on hold so I could work harder on getting my dream job. I spent all my free time working towards that goal. But now that I had achieved that goal it was time to fix the havoc I had wreaked on my body. From January to April I did amazing. I counted calories. I ate better. I went to the gym 3 times a week. I lost 6 pounds. I was feeling great and I was looking good! But then my support system, my gym buddy went on a trip out of the country and we never got back on track. I kept trying to but I kept falling off the wagon. In July the pain in my left knee returned and a new pain in my right knee began. I went back to see my physical therapist who helped me rebuild my knee strength. But of course she reminded me of one of the reasons why I was going to the gym in the first place. My mobility. Being 24 and unable to walk comfortably is not ok. I started an account here on SparkPeople to try and revitalize my workout efforts. It didn't last. I am a teacher. School started back up in September. I have returned to the gym. I went 3 weeks calculating calories and going to the gym regularly. But then my period hit an every part of my body hurt and I fell right back off the wagon. Since then i have been so busy and stressed about school that I almost feel guilty going to the gym instead of working. I just feel overwhelmed.

Leaving Him Waiting

Today I leave town for 2 nights and 3 days for a teacher workshop at Sunday River. I get to go there, stay in a hotel room, and have everything paid for. All I have to do is show up, listen, learn, and be prepared to share when school starts back up. I think I am going to learn a lot.

However, I'm nervous. Any time I leave home to stay in a strange place by myself I am nervous. I have never stayed in a hotel room alone before. Garrett has always been there with me. I am going with another teacher but I don't know her very well. I suppose this means I will be getting to know her very quickly though. That could be good since our classrooms are right next to each other. I should know her better. I just don't interact with a lot of the other teachers much cause I live in my own little bubble.

I am also gearing up to be away from Garrett for a couple of days. I know I am going to miss him. Especially since I won't know anyone else there. I am sure I will be a little bit lonely. I miss him every time he is gone. I find myself checking my phone constantly. I try to not text him first but to wait for him to text me. Usually he is the one who is off on a trip somewhere and I just don't want to bug him when I know he is hanging out with his friends. But this time I am the one leaving on a trip.

I find myself wondering if he will come home to an empty apartment and wonder how to spend his time. I wonder if he will sit and watch things online or on netflix. I wonder if he will check his phone and Facebook constantly looking for an update from me. I wonder if when he goes to bed he will snuggle up to my pillow like I snuggle up to his when he is gone. I wonder if he will toss and turn for hours before falling asleep because the bed just feels too big. I wonder if he will sit at home on Tuesday watching the clock and waiting for me to walk in the door.

I never feel like he misses me when he is gone. I always try to spend as much time with him as I can before he leaves. He never seems to notice.

Last night we crawled into bed together and for the first time in I don't know how long he pulled me in close to snuggle. I was laying there and I knew that it was because I was leaving. I felt like he might actually miss me. He held me all night while we slept. Something he hasn't done since... since before we moved here. So a year? Maybe longer.

I loved every minute of it. I loved waking up to his arms still around me.

I think this is different for him. He isn't used to being the one left behind. I wonder if he is realizing how different it is to be the one waiting at home.

Summer Time

I am finally a teacher. I managed to survive my first year teaching 7th grade ELA and Reading. Yes, I forgot until now that in middle school they separate English into two subjects. It creates an interesting conundrum and it means seeing the same kids two or more times a day sometimes. That is alright though. It also means fewer names to learn and more to keep me busy.

Now however it is summer. I was so excited for it. I had big plans. So many big plans. Lots of traveling, lots of swimming, some hiking, some 5ks, some work, some reading, some writing. I thought, "Man I haven't had time off in such a long time! I think I will take this time and enjoy it." HA!

I never realized until now how bad I am at relaxing. I am terrible at it. I am also terrible at self-motivating. I can not for the life of me maintain a decent sleep schedule. Sometimes I get up at 5:30 easy as pie and other days I can't manage to open my eyes before 10 am. I thought I would have a routine by now. A decent amount of time to devout to everything I wanted to accomplish! Ha! Not at all. I make plans. I do housework. If there are no plans or I do not feel like doing housework because of the heat then I stay at home and read or watch a movie. Most days the only time I get out of the house is when I go eat lunch with Garrett in the parking lot at his work.

I am enjoying a lot of it. I have read 5 books. I have been to Martha's Vineyard. I went to Damarscotta Lake State Park. Garrett and I went to Fort Knox and to see Buck's Grave. We went to Old Orchard Beach. We found two nice places to swim near here and have been to one frequently. We celebrated my birthday and have been visited by friends from out of town.

I think Garrett is getting tired of me being home though. He enjoys having me here when he gets home. But he gets home and it's like I have been waiting for him all day. Cause I have. He is exhausted and just wants to relax. I'm not. I am bored out of my mind.

Garrett says I need more friends to spend time with. My friends say I need a new hobby to keep me busy. I think it might be a little of both. Or maybe I should have taken a summer job after all.

The Forever Sleep

There was a night not long ago that I lay in bed trying to sleep. I remember closing my eyes and thinking about how some old people die in their sleep. They close their eyes and somehow in their sleep they drift out of their bodies to never return again. It has always made me wonder what it is that holds us here. How do we stay in our bodies when often it seems much easier to just leave them?

It was then I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing. I slowed the beating of my heart. I tried to gently push my soul out of my body.

I don't know if I did this out of a real desire to die or more out of a curiosity. Could someone my age, 24, die in their sleep? Could my heart and lungs just stop working? Can a person will themselves to die? Why not? They say a person can will themselves to live.

I have many happy things in my life.

I really do like my job 90% of the time. It is hard. It is time consuming. And it is at times life draining. However, then a kid learns something, or says and does something that makes me realize I really am having an impact of some kind. I really am getting through to them somewhere.

I really do love my boyfriend. He manages to make me smile even on my darkest days. I can count on him to take care of me when I am sick. To comfort me when I am afraid. And to let me vent when I need to. He is my best friend and my partner in crime. I say, "Let's go" and he asks, "Where to?". I have never felt more like me or more free than I do when I am with him.

I have some really great friends. Friends who would do anything for me just to see me smile.

I should be less willing to leave it.