Saturday, October 31, 2009
At Dad's
Little boys don't like to let you sleep past 7. I finally gave up trying to sleep through the noise and just woke up at 7:30. Been watching Iron Man since about then. I saw it for the first time last night. Pretty soon I will have this movie memorized. I could drive home right now and make it home in time to take a nap. I won't do that though. Despite being woken up earlier than I would have liked I'm having too much fun here. I went to bed at midnight but I didn't turn the light in the kitchen off until 5 am so I woke up repeatedly cause of the light. I guess I didn't get much sleep then.
Friday, October 30, 2009
What Keeps Me Smiling
Why is it that every time I pick up a pen now I find that all I have to say is I love you? I sit here in front of my computer listening to music and trying to write something, anything and all I can think to type is I love you. It all comes back to that. Never been so happy as I am now that I’m with you. I’m currently in my room by myself, I’m lonely, I miss you, my ankle hurts, my fish recently died and my mom is mad at me and somehow I can still be happy because you are there. Even now when I feel like I have been cleaved in two and my other half ripped away from me violently… I’m happy. The thought of your smile, of the hug you’ll have waiting for me and the welcome home kiss that has always been and will always be just for me. It makes me happy. It makes me smile. It makes me hopeful. Random glimpses of our happy future swirl in my head. Our one year anniversary, first night back at school, that first weekend on campus after a long break, summers together, our first apartment together, our graduation from college, our wedding day, our first days of work, our first house, our first baby, and years and years more spent growing old in each other’s arms; together forever. I can’t ask for more.
In With the Good And Out With the Bad
This my 38th post which makes one more post than last month! Yay! Way to go me. I am very tired today. Tired but happy. I just found out that next week I am only working Sunday which makes for another very tiny pay check but it makes for a less stressed Dani because I will have more time to do my homework. Not going to complain about that. It has been a pretty slow day so far. Slow but good. I enjoyed sleeping in but again am still tired. The only thing I am stressing about is the amount of work I have to do this weekend. But I should be able to get it done and do everything else too. I have Monday to do my English reading. Then I have tonight and Saturday to read that book for Monday. Then I have Sunday after work and part of Monday to do my reading strategies project. Then the paper that was due Tuesday has been moved to Thursday so that relieves that stress. Now I have time to write it Tuesday or Wednesday. Having Tuesdays and Thursdays off from work leaves me with a lot of free time during the week. It is awfully nice.
So in general life is good. Steve was right when he said to just enjoy my life and not worry too much about others. Garret was right when he said I am too busy with school, work, him and Lindsey to have time to stress about anything else. He is absolutely right. In with the good and out with the bad. Tomorrow is a special day. It is the Witch's New Year. Maybe I should treat it as one.
So in general life is good. Steve was right when he said to just enjoy my life and not worry too much about others. Garret was right when he said I am too busy with school, work, him and Lindsey to have time to stress about anything else. He is absolutely right. In with the good and out with the bad. Tomorrow is a special day. It is the Witch's New Year. Maybe I should treat it as one.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A Great Wednesday
My goal this month was to do one more post than I did last month. I missed posting yesterday so now I'm not sure I will accomplish my goal. Yesterday was a really great day. It was busy but it was good. I had a pretty good first class of the day and after class I ordered some stuff from a friend who is a Mary-Kay Representative. It was great cause she gave me a ton of deals on the stuff I ordered. So awesome. I will certainly be ordering from her again! I figure that if I try out the stuff I ordered and I really like it i can get some stuff for mom and Kelly for Christmas. It is very exciting. Then I came back here and hung out with Garret before going to my last class of the day which I usually talk in because it is painful to watch the professor trying to get people talking and no one is talking. It was pretty much like that except I wasn't too worried about it because I had plans after it. I got out a little early and rushed home to finish cooking dinner. I made Italian pot roast, mashed potatoes, corn and broccoli all by myself. So awesome! Then Lindsey, Ted and Andrew came over to have supper with me. Also awesome. Probably the most awesome thing though was how they managed to kick my roommates out of the living room. The roommates who bother me because they never, ever leave the living room! She pretty much got up, went into her room and shut the door when Lindsey got here. Lindsey and I were just standing in the kitchen talking so maybe us talking was bothering her. Frankly, I hope so because she and her boyfriend bother me all the time when I am doing homework in my room at night. They are very loud. Anyway, then Andrew and Ted came in and there were hugs all around which was great. It was so awesome that everyone wanted to hug each other. It is that old practicum bond. There is something about that experience that has really bonded us together. So we were all standing talking and hanging out in the common area when basically my male roommate got up, took his guitar and went into his room too. So Andrew sat on the couch and Ted sat on the floor and thus the living room was ours while we ate and then at some point the roommates left because they were having dinner at a friend's place. Thus the apartment was all mine till sometime after 9. It was awesome. Lindsey and I got to sit on my couch and watch a movie on my big TV out there and eat ice cream and we could talk about anything we wanted because we were the only ones home. I loved it. I haven't spent time out in my own living room since I can't even remember when. I pretty much never hang out in there because there is no space with all of their stuff everywhere. They take up the entire living room.
Anyway, they are leaving for the weekend. So the apartment is Garret's and mine all weekend. Very excited. Although I did just find out that she isn't taking her laptop with her this weekend. I asked her why not take it with her and she said she wasn't going to need it. So I asked, "Well, if you are leaving it here all weekend could you please put it somewhere out of the way before you go?" She responded with, "I will." Not sure what that means so I said, "Ok, just asking nicely." I really don't know if she meant to be rude or not but I certainly wasn't being rude. I want to be able to enjoy my living room over the weekend that they aren't here. I think I have the right to ask them to move their shit before they go. She managed to leave her laptop on the couch. Not sure if that means she is coming back or not.
Anyway, they are leaving for the weekend. So the apartment is Garret's and mine all weekend. Very excited. Although I did just find out that she isn't taking her laptop with her this weekend. I asked her why not take it with her and she said she wasn't going to need it. So I asked, "Well, if you are leaving it here all weekend could you please put it somewhere out of the way before you go?" She responded with, "I will." Not sure what that means so I said, "Ok, just asking nicely." I really don't know if she meant to be rude or not but I certainly wasn't being rude. I want to be able to enjoy my living room over the weekend that they aren't here. I think I have the right to ask them to move their shit before they go. She managed to leave her laptop on the couch. Not sure if that means she is coming back or not.
To My Little Brother on His Birthday
To My Little Brother, Nick, on His 18th Birthday,
Congrats, you have finally made it.
You are now considered a legal adult by the state.
How does it feel?
I know for me being 18 was scary.
It was a marker that things were about to change,
For forever and for always.
No matter what happens next
It will be an adventure.
As you try to figure out
What you want from life
And who you really want to be.
Just remember that when things get tough
You have family to help you.
Remember that I will always be your sister
And when you need me, you can call me.
Remember that I love you,
That we all love you.
Remember that you are smart,
Funny,
Strong,
And capable.
Remember that you are ready for this stage of your life.
Congrats, you have finally made it.
You are now considered a legal adult by the state.
How does it feel?
I know for me being 18 was scary.
It was a marker that things were about to change,
For forever and for always.
No matter what happens next
It will be an adventure.
As you try to figure out
What you want from life
And who you really want to be.
Just remember that when things get tough
You have family to help you.
Remember that I will always be your sister
And when you need me, you can call me.
Remember that I love you,
That we all love you.
Remember that you are smart,
Funny,
Strong,
And capable.
Remember that you are ready for this stage of your life.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Teaching and Life
They say there are two types of people who become teachers. There are those who liked school and don't want to leave it. Then there are those people who hated school but figured the best way to change the system they hated was to do it from the inside.
I have never really been sure which one I am. I am always fighting for a change. I want there to be more power in the hands of the poor, the downtrodden, the unlucky. I want education to be the doorway to a better life for more people. I want more people to realize that they can do better than they are doing. I want the gap between the rich and middle class, and the poor to shrink. I want to make people smile and discover that their child who they thought was lazy or stupid is actually a brilliant actor, poet, essayist, or has a brilliant way of analyzing literature. There are a million ways that the world is wrong. And I feel like I could have an effect. I could change it. That is why I am a teacher.
I neither hated or loved school. I went because I saw it as an opportunity to be somebody. To recreate myself in another lifestyle. To escape from where I lived. School was there to lead me to where I wanted to go.
I have been thinking lately that life seems like a waste of time. I have been thinking that maybe everything is pointless because even if I do cause a change I probably won't get to see it and live it simply because of the nature of change. I heard today from a good friend that it doesn't matter if you don't cause change. What is most important is not wasting your life. Not having a ton of regrets at the end about what you could or should have done.
She is right. I used to think that and somewhere I lost that. Life isn't about the end because we all have the same inevitable end. Insert cliche here, "Life is about the journey".
I have never really been sure which one I am. I am always fighting for a change. I want there to be more power in the hands of the poor, the downtrodden, the unlucky. I want education to be the doorway to a better life for more people. I want more people to realize that they can do better than they are doing. I want the gap between the rich and middle class, and the poor to shrink. I want to make people smile and discover that their child who they thought was lazy or stupid is actually a brilliant actor, poet, essayist, or has a brilliant way of analyzing literature. There are a million ways that the world is wrong. And I feel like I could have an effect. I could change it. That is why I am a teacher.
I neither hated or loved school. I went because I saw it as an opportunity to be somebody. To recreate myself in another lifestyle. To escape from where I lived. School was there to lead me to where I wanted to go.
I have been thinking lately that life seems like a waste of time. I have been thinking that maybe everything is pointless because even if I do cause a change I probably won't get to see it and live it simply because of the nature of change. I heard today from a good friend that it doesn't matter if you don't cause change. What is most important is not wasting your life. Not having a ton of regrets at the end about what you could or should have done.
She is right. I used to think that and somewhere I lost that. Life isn't about the end because we all have the same inevitable end. Insert cliche here, "Life is about the journey".
Waiting
I hate waiting. I'm just sitting here on my laptop waiting. Waiting for class and my day to start. At least if I am here sitting in the classroom it doesn't feel like I am waiting to go. Action is so much easier than inaction. Especially when you are not enjoying your environment. This whole situation isn't working for me. I feel like I'm the only one who is trying. I'm not sure why I agreed to this.
Professor is here.
Professor is here.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Scars of a Poet
“Even the scars of my decisions”
--Adrienne Rich
As a poet
I know the poetry of fate,
Of life
Revealing itself
Through
Luck, fate, decisions made.
Rich was right.
Decisions leave a scar,
An imprint on our souls
That we carry with us forever.
My scars shall haunt me till my final days here on Earth
And then they will follow me to my grave.
They mark every step I take
And mar every aspect of my essence.
My scars,
I carry with me.
Scars of battles fought
Won and lost.
Scars of pain inflicted
Pain they inflict and pain that is self-inflicted.
Scars of love,
Scars of hate,
Scars I will never forget
And some I beg God I could forget.
Can you see my scars?
I feel them.
The eyes of those around me
Peering at my scars
Judging them,
Judging me.
--Adrienne Rich
As a poet
I know the poetry of fate,
Of life
Revealing itself
Through
Luck, fate, decisions made.
Rich was right.
Decisions leave a scar,
An imprint on our souls
That we carry with us forever.
My scars shall haunt me till my final days here on Earth
And then they will follow me to my grave.
They mark every step I take
And mar every aspect of my essence.
My scars,
I carry with me.
Scars of battles fought
Won and lost.
Scars of pain inflicted
Pain they inflict and pain that is self-inflicted.
Scars of love,
Scars of hate,
Scars I will never forget
And some I beg God I could forget.
Can you see my scars?
I feel them.
The eyes of those around me
Peering at my scars
Judging them,
Judging me.
Writing to Scar
I haven't really felt like writing. I still really don't want to write. The things that are going on right now aren't things I want to write about, think about or talk about really. It isn't pleasant. It is just hard to write about what is happening in my life right now and not say what is staring me right in the face.
It is Monday. I have one class today but I have a couple of meetings I need to go to. One with my advisor and one with a girl in my class later tonight. If I am lucky everything will go just fine. I should really be working on the large amount of reading that is due tomorrow. I didn't get a lot done this weekend. Work... and other stuff. Including being sick. Have you ever just wanted to barf so that you could lay down and get some sleep?
Life is just crazy right now. There is so much I want to do. So much I don't have time for. And yet things are not moving fast enough for me. I feel like I have to keep moving all the time so that everything around me will keep moving. I can't stand still. Time can't stand still. But I am so tired. As much as I want to lay down and rest there is no peaceful rest for me. Too much to do. Too much going on around me. Too much to think about. No way to block it all out.
Block it out. Block it all out. Close the wounds with the poison still in them. Heal outside while I still bleed inside. Sleep but never really sleep. Toss and turn and have dreams. Dreams of sleeping. Dreams of peace. Of rest.
I don't even know what I am saying or writing anymore. It is all strangled and knotted up inside. Trying to let it leak out slowly is not working because it is to tightly wound up in everything else.
It is Monday. I have one class today but I have a couple of meetings I need to go to. One with my advisor and one with a girl in my class later tonight. If I am lucky everything will go just fine. I should really be working on the large amount of reading that is due tomorrow. I didn't get a lot done this weekend. Work... and other stuff. Including being sick. Have you ever just wanted to barf so that you could lay down and get some sleep?
Life is just crazy right now. There is so much I want to do. So much I don't have time for. And yet things are not moving fast enough for me. I feel like I have to keep moving all the time so that everything around me will keep moving. I can't stand still. Time can't stand still. But I am so tired. As much as I want to lay down and rest there is no peaceful rest for me. Too much to do. Too much going on around me. Too much to think about. No way to block it all out.
Block it out. Block it all out. Close the wounds with the poison still in them. Heal outside while I still bleed inside. Sleep but never really sleep. Toss and turn and have dreams. Dreams of sleeping. Dreams of peace. Of rest.
I don't even know what I am saying or writing anymore. It is all strangled and knotted up inside. Trying to let it leak out slowly is not working because it is to tightly wound up in everything else.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Life is Good
I am really enjoying life today. It is very busy and quite stressful but I am liking it. I am going to have a very busy weekend with homework. I have a movie I have to go see on Sunday and then Monday I have an essay due and a meeting with LeAnne. I also emailed my professor to see if I could meet with her that day about a project I am doing for her. Then Tuesday I am hanging out with Lindsey. We are having english muffin pizzas and working on our reading strategies projects. Then work 4-9 that day. Then Wednesday I have my SED lesson plans and accommodations due and that same day I am having dinner with Lindsey and maybe be with Andrew too. She said they were hanging out later that night so I told her she could bring him along for supper if she wanted to. I am making Italian pot roast that night. Very exciting. I like hanging out with her. She is fun.
I am feeling much better since Wednesday. I have been busy but happy. I haven't been hurting and I have been hanging out with Lindsey. I don't know what it is but this started out as a very sucky week and is ending quite well. All the work I got done Tuesday really put me ahead so that last night I didn't have any homework and I could just cuddle with Garret. Then tonight I will have to do homework again cause I will have so much going on Monday. I need to have my accommodations ready for my meeting and I have an essay due in American texts that day. I also need to remember that I have to have Schools without labels read by Friday. Only having one day of work should really help with that. I can read it Monday after doing the stuff for Tuesday and then after my meeting. Then I can read it Tuesday after doing the reading for Wednesday and after work. Then Wednesday I can do the reading before and after SED and after dinner. Then I have all day Thursday to work on all the stuff I am turning in Friday and to finish the book. Then I have the whole weekend off. Life is busy but not as busy as last semester. And it is awesome.
Now if I can just hold onto this attitude for another few months. This weekend will be awesome despite work and then next week will be perfect because I will see friends and Garret and have very little work. I don't even care about how poor I will be. Not having to plan homework around work really removes the stress.
I am very excited to have a weekend off. I am planning on seeing Kim and Nick that weekend and maybe Mel too. And of course there is a day for just Garret and me to hang out and relax and do homework too. I will love having a day with Garret all to myself!
I am feeling much better since Wednesday. I have been busy but happy. I haven't been hurting and I have been hanging out with Lindsey. I don't know what it is but this started out as a very sucky week and is ending quite well. All the work I got done Tuesday really put me ahead so that last night I didn't have any homework and I could just cuddle with Garret. Then tonight I will have to do homework again cause I will have so much going on Monday. I need to have my accommodations ready for my meeting and I have an essay due in American texts that day. I also need to remember that I have to have Schools without labels read by Friday. Only having one day of work should really help with that. I can read it Monday after doing the stuff for Tuesday and then after my meeting. Then I can read it Tuesday after doing the reading for Wednesday and after work. Then Wednesday I can do the reading before and after SED and after dinner. Then I have all day Thursday to work on all the stuff I am turning in Friday and to finish the book. Then I have the whole weekend off. Life is busy but not as busy as last semester. And it is awesome.
Now if I can just hold onto this attitude for another few months. This weekend will be awesome despite work and then next week will be perfect because I will see friends and Garret and have very little work. I don't even care about how poor I will be. Not having to plan homework around work really removes the stress.
I am very excited to have a weekend off. I am planning on seeing Kim and Nick that weekend and maybe Mel too. And of course there is a day for just Garret and me to hang out and relax and do homework too. I will love having a day with Garret all to myself!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Cleaning
I woke up at 7:45 this morning for no reason. I just woke up and could not get back to sleep. I rolled over, I cuddled up to Garret, I buried myself under the blankets, I threw the blankets off. I must have tried everything I could think of a hundred times. Garret's alarm went off at 8 and I thought about getting up. Instead I curled into a ball and tried sleeping on his side of the bed. It was too late. By that time I was completely awake. I just lay in my bed until 8:30 thinking about how I couldn't sleep and there was nothing for me to do. I considered going out into the living room but then I thought about how well that went the last time I tried that. Not to mention I really wasn't in the mood to deal with her and her attitude. I knew that she would be sitting right in the middle of the couch and Garret would be at the end which would force me to sit on the other side of her and talk over her if I wanted to talk to Garret. That or sit on the floor next to him. I thought about texting Garret that I couldn't sleep but it seemed silly to text him while he was right in the next room. So I formulated a plan. I decided today was finally the day that I would clean the very nasty tub and shower that had been grossing me out for weeks. I got up and went to the bathroom. Then after that I got dressed and headed out to the grocery store on main street and bought some cleaner and a sponge and when I returned I got right to work scrubbing that tub. The great thing about cleaning is that it involves scrubbing and really putting your arms into it. It involves working hard and attacking something except that the something you are attacking, it is completely ok to attack it. It felt very good to vent my frustrations. I could scrub and be as angry at that tub as I wanted to be and no one cared. In fact, I could say "Hello, I'm cleaning your apartment do you really want to complain about that right now?" It felt so good to clean the tub that I just kept going. I cleaned the sink and the toilet. Then I went out into the kitchen put the dishes away, washed the ones in the sink, put those away, washed the counter and washed the stove. I still didn't want to stop so next I took the shower curtain down and soaked it in bleach in the sink, washed the mirror in the bathroom, made my bed and put a loud of laundry in the wash. After the curtain had soaked for a while I rinsed it, hung it back up and washed out the sink. This was all before 11:30 today. In fact I had this all finished and I had eaten two donuts before it was 11:30. I am now in the Ed center writing this while the laundry is in the dryer. I almost can't wait to get down with this and go back to attacking the rest of the apartment. I should clean out the fridge, vacuum, clean the litter box, clean my room, and maybe take the trash out too. I don't know why but cleaning like that has made me feel much better about today. I wonder what else I can find to clean in the apartment.
It is probably a little sad but I would rather be cleaning than doing homework right now.
It is probably a little sad but I would rather be cleaning than doing homework right now.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Back to the Drawing Board
I know I don't usually write two long posts in one day but inspiration has struck. I was taking a break from working on my long to do list and decided to look at Facebook for a minute. I happened to click on one of my favorite high school teacher's pages. I was rather upset by his status.
"brains oozing out my ears after too many papers from students who can't follow directions, let alone read and understand a simple story."
The think that upset me wasn't that his students' papers weren't any good. That often happens in high school especially in English classes. I wasn't even upset that he was upset. I would complain too if I had to read awful papers. I think the thing that bothered me was that he was putting all of the blame on his students. Now, I know this teacher pretty well and I know that he models how to write the way he wants you to quite well. He gives you an example to look at and describes what he wants very clearly both before assigning the paper and after. But what if that wasn't enough for some students? What if it isn't that they can't follow directions but that they don't understand his directions? He is also putting the blame on them for not being able to read and comprehend the story. Isn't it his job to teach them how to do that? Maybe this is just my professors talking here but I feel like there is more he could do. I feel like he should go back to the drawing board and find a way to help the students understand better and get better grades. Dr. Grace, Dr. Theresa, Clarissa and Dr. Thorson would all be very disappointed in me if I ever talked like this. Should I make some suggestions to him? Or has he already given up on these students? Is it to late for him and for them?
"brains oozing out my ears after too many papers from students who can't follow directions, let alone read and understand a simple story."
The think that upset me wasn't that his students' papers weren't any good. That often happens in high school especially in English classes. I wasn't even upset that he was upset. I would complain too if I had to read awful papers. I think the thing that bothered me was that he was putting all of the blame on his students. Now, I know this teacher pretty well and I know that he models how to write the way he wants you to quite well. He gives you an example to look at and describes what he wants very clearly both before assigning the paper and after. But what if that wasn't enough for some students? What if it isn't that they can't follow directions but that they don't understand his directions? He is also putting the blame on them for not being able to read and comprehend the story. Isn't it his job to teach them how to do that? Maybe this is just my professors talking here but I feel like there is more he could do. I feel like he should go back to the drawing board and find a way to help the students understand better and get better grades. Dr. Grace, Dr. Theresa, Clarissa and Dr. Thorson would all be very disappointed in me if I ever talked like this. Should I make some suggestions to him? Or has he already given up on these students? Is it to late for him and for them?
Female
Have you ever felt a pain in your back and stomach so deep that you think you would have to dig a hole through the midsection of your body in order to get it out? That is how I feel. Why does it hurt so badly? Is this some kind of punishment for my mean thoughts yesterday? Is this really necessary? Does God hate me or something? I really just want to curl up and not move. But I can't. I have a ton of stuff I have to do so that I can work 8 hours on Thursday and not fall behind on my homework. Maybe I can convince work and school that I am dead so that I can not move for a week or so. That would be nice. I really just want to curl up on my bed in just my underwear under a big blanket and watch bad movies and eat a lot of chocolate. Garret and I used to talk about doing that a lot. It sounds really good right now.
Class was good today except for the part where my body decided it really is female. Yep, it always seems to happen when I am in the middle of something. Why is that?
Class was good today except for the part where my body decided it really is female. Yep, it always seems to happen when I am in the middle of something. Why is that?
Monday, October 19, 2009
People=Suck
The title says it all. I'm not even sure I should be writing this post today because I don't really think I want to remember this. I dislike people today. I have had random murderous thoughts today. Yeah, not the best day of my life. Not a shiny happy moment.
I was right to begin with. This day shouldn't be remembered. I'm going to go snuggle with my boyfriend. Probably he only person I haven't thought about killing today. I love him just for that.
I was right to begin with. This day shouldn't be remembered. I'm going to go snuggle with my boyfriend. Probably he only person I haven't thought about killing today. I love him just for that.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I May Be Avoiding Homework Right Now
I just got an email from my SED professor saying that my grade to date is a D. Not good. The problem is that there are no due dates or assignments really. Most of the work for that class is optional except for the lesson plans and accommodations. The good news is that her suggest was to pass in assignments and see her. I think it is the see her part that has me a little freaked. I did the math earlier and if I pass in an assignment everyday between now and Thanksgiving I will be back on track very quickly. In fact, unless my calculations are way off I can still be just about done or completely done by then. So why does she want to see me? Is she worried because of how sparsely I have passed in assignments? I mean it isn't like I haven't passed them in at all. And I have been to every class. I also contribute in class discussions every day and have even posted on the discussions page on the class wiki.
I hurt again today. Sometimes being a girl really sucks. A lot. It makes me not want to do much. That and the fact that it is 10:30 at night. I really should be working on my essay that is due Tuesday but I hurt and it is late. I will probably just shower and do it tomorrow. I also have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow to talk about my preregistration. I noticed that my SED professor has sent the same email to my advisor as she sent to me. I wonder if I will get asked about the email tomorrow. Not sure if I want to talk about it or not. It might be good to get another point of view on it.
I also hope that if Nick is reading this he realizes that I too struggle with classes. I just struggle with the ones that don't have due dates. I also hope he notices that I have said I will be working very hard to bring that grade up.
I hurt again today. Sometimes being a girl really sucks. A lot. It makes me not want to do much. That and the fact that it is 10:30 at night. I really should be working on my essay that is due Tuesday but I hurt and it is late. I will probably just shower and do it tomorrow. I also have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow to talk about my preregistration. I noticed that my SED professor has sent the same email to my advisor as she sent to me. I wonder if I will get asked about the email tomorrow. Not sure if I want to talk about it or not. It might be good to get another point of view on it.
I also hope that if Nick is reading this he realizes that I too struggle with classes. I just struggle with the ones that don't have due dates. I also hope he notices that I have said I will be working very hard to bring that grade up.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
It's Saturday
I feel like keying her car or breaking his guitar. Like seriously? It is completely unnecessary for them to be so loud. We're never loud. Ever. Whether someone is here or not. Consideration should go both ways.
Anyway, moving on. I had a very long and stressful day at work. My stomach and back hurt a lot. We were short one person today because the girl who was supposed to work at the Copy and Print Center called out sick. That meant the manager had to cover that as well as do her stuff and finish tech work our tech didn't get to. I dealt with more people being rude to me then I care to deal with when I am in pain and pmsing. I would really like to unload on someone right now. But I won't. Why? Because I am too nice. I don't know what happened but I don't stick up for myself nearly as much as I should. Maybe I should just be the bitch I really want to be. On top of having horrible customers, being short handed, being in pain and doing tags tonight because it is Saturday we also had to move a ton of stuff off the floor so that the people coming to clean the floors could get under everything with their machines. The store will at least look really good tomorrow.
Anyway, moving on. I had a very long and stressful day at work. My stomach and back hurt a lot. We were short one person today because the girl who was supposed to work at the Copy and Print Center called out sick. That meant the manager had to cover that as well as do her stuff and finish tech work our tech didn't get to. I dealt with more people being rude to me then I care to deal with when I am in pain and pmsing. I would really like to unload on someone right now. But I won't. Why? Because I am too nice. I don't know what happened but I don't stick up for myself nearly as much as I should. Maybe I should just be the bitch I really want to be. On top of having horrible customers, being short handed, being in pain and doing tags tonight because it is Saturday we also had to move a ton of stuff off the floor so that the people coming to clean the floors could get under everything with their machines. The store will at least look really good tomorrow.
Power of Song
My feet are tapping,
My head is bobbing,
My hips are swaying.
The beat moves me.
It frees me.
Body
And
Soul.
The drums create the rhythm
Dada boom dada boom dada boom…
The guitar creates the melody
Doodoo do doodoo do doodoo
And it isn’t long before I am singing along.
The power of a song
Isn’t in the drums,
The guitar,
The base
Or the lyrics.
The power comes from
The song’s ability to move you
Mind,
Body,
And Soul.
My head is bobbing,
My hips are swaying.
The beat moves me.
It frees me.
Body
And
Soul.
The drums create the rhythm
Dada boom dada boom dada boom…
The guitar creates the melody
Doodoo do doodoo do doodoo
And it isn’t long before I am singing along.
The power of a song
Isn’t in the drums,
The guitar,
The base
Or the lyrics.
The power comes from
The song’s ability to move you
Mind,
Body,
And Soul.
My Voice
Stand up
And be Recognized.
Listen here.
I am a voice.
One voice,
In a multitude of voices. I,
I speak for me.
My beliefs,
My opinions,
My ideas,
My personal truths.
This is my voice
And I will be heard.
And be Recognized.
Listen here.
I am a voice.
One voice,
In a multitude of voices. I,
I speak for me.
My beliefs,
My opinions,
My ideas,
My personal truths.
This is my voice
And I will be heard.
Friday, October 16, 2009
One Voice
Today has been a really good day. Garret and I bought shrimp. french fries and scallops to have for supper. It was all very yummy. We were so excited after buying it that we could not wait to eat it. It was delicious. Then after that I cleaned up and we cuddled on the couch together while he played online and I watched a TV show and read for English. Next we hung out in the bowels of the internet in an attempt to start a new meme before cuddling on our bed and watching Imagine That while cuddling. The night was then topped off with pancakes for me and rice for him. It has been a really good day overall. I wish that more days could be spent like this. Happy, silly, fun and without complications. Life should be that easy. At least sometimes.
My SED professor today said that she wants us to include a self-addressed stamped envelope with our evaluations that we pass in at the end so that she can send us all recommendations. It feels good to be so respected by a professor. It feels good to have someone say that if I keep pushing and working I can create change.
Sometimes I feel like I am one voice in a sea of voices and no matter how hard I yell no one can hear me. No one wants to hear me. I'm the voice of a poor, white trash, girl from Orland, Maine. Who would want to hear from a backwater girl like me? What can I possibly have to say about education, politics, respect, honesty, humanity, ignorance, and more?
It only takes one person to change the course of history. One voice.
I will be heard and I will not be silent. My voice is important. I do have something to say.
My SED professor today said that she wants us to include a self-addressed stamped envelope with our evaluations that we pass in at the end so that she can send us all recommendations. It feels good to be so respected by a professor. It feels good to have someone say that if I keep pushing and working I can create change.
Sometimes I feel like I am one voice in a sea of voices and no matter how hard I yell no one can hear me. No one wants to hear me. I'm the voice of a poor, white trash, girl from Orland, Maine. Who would want to hear from a backwater girl like me? What can I possibly have to say about education, politics, respect, honesty, humanity, ignorance, and more?
It only takes one person to change the course of history. One voice.
I will be heard and I will not be silent. My voice is important. I do have something to say.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lucky Day
I noticed last night that work screwed up my schedule again. They want me to work 8-1 on Tuesday but I can't cause I have class from 8 to 11:20. They know this. I told them. I wrote them a note saying when I was available. I have not worked a Tuesday morning since school started. What are they doing? I know Andy often copies and pastes old schedules but there is no reason for that to be the cause of this. I am so tired of this. I will have to go yell at them today when I go into work.
In other news, I found out today that my 8 am class on Tuesday is canceled. Too bad that doesn't mean that I can work that morning. I have another class at 9:50. But being able to sleep in Tuesday morning will be nice. I also have a paper due that day in Poetry so extra sleep that morning after doing that paper probably all day Monday will be extremely appreciated.
Nick's birthday is coming up and I have already decided what I will be getting him. I'm picking it up on my way to work today. No hints Nick! I think he will really like it and I am pretty excited. I can't believe he is going to be 18. I can' believe I am a junior in college and that the first semester is already halfway over. Little bit of October left, all of November and a little it of December and then I will be all done. Before I know it it will Thanksgiving, Christmas and then winter break. I wonder if I will be here alone for most of January? That could be good. It might be nice to have the place to myself again for a while anyway. I'm the only one who is really living here full time. Garret and Aimee will be back at home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, winter break, and probably February and April break too. Not really sure where Tim will be. It is so strange to me though that I am out on my own and it feels like the other three think they are too but they're really not. They have beds at home. Beds and bedrooms waiting for them.
I don't understand what that feels like.
In other news, I found out today that my 8 am class on Tuesday is canceled. Too bad that doesn't mean that I can work that morning. I have another class at 9:50. But being able to sleep in Tuesday morning will be nice. I also have a paper due that day in Poetry so extra sleep that morning after doing that paper probably all day Monday will be extremely appreciated.
Nick's birthday is coming up and I have already decided what I will be getting him. I'm picking it up on my way to work today. No hints Nick! I think he will really like it and I am pretty excited. I can't believe he is going to be 18. I can' believe I am a junior in college and that the first semester is already halfway over. Little bit of October left, all of November and a little it of December and then I will be all done. Before I know it it will Thanksgiving, Christmas and then winter break. I wonder if I will be here alone for most of January? That could be good. It might be nice to have the place to myself again for a while anyway. I'm the only one who is really living here full time. Garret and Aimee will be back at home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, winter break, and probably February and April break too. Not really sure where Tim will be. It is so strange to me though that I am out on my own and it feels like the other three think they are too but they're really not. They have beds at home. Beds and bedrooms waiting for them.
I don't understand what that feels like.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
More from Phoenix Girl
"She knew this. Just as she knew the world is a hard place. That’s all. Not cruel or heartless or cold. But neither is it kind or loving or warm. It’s just hard. It’s meant to be. There are no easy choices in life. Just other choices. The world is not there to give us anything. Pessimists feel denied and optimists feel blessed but both are wrong. How can you be when there is nothing to be denied of and nothing to be blessed with? The world is a place to take. To take by storm. To take by passion. To take into you heart and love. To take by the hand and lead into a new future. To take lessons from. To learn from."
The Good and The Tired
Today has been a good day overall. I got all of my homework done for tomorrow and since I was over-productive last week with my readings I have finished all of the readings for Thursday. This left me time to take my boyfriend out to eat, to read a packet, write a paper, watch House and watch the third installment of Anne of Green Gables in it's entirety before I sat down to write this. A slow but productive day I would say. I think th previous weekend has taught me something about being too ambitious. It makes me burn out. Hopefully, this time I will remember the lesson and not try to overdue it. Also, in the good news column I am eating again. I haven't has an appetite the last few days and finally today I haven't eaten like I normally do. All of this good news though must be accompanied by something not so great, right? My ear has been bothering me. It feels like it has some water in it or something. It isn't as bad as it was last night but it is still very annoying. I am hoping it doesn't signify a return of my ear problems.
Tomorrow I am planning on cooking dinner for my friend, Lindsey and maybe her roommate, Erica. I met Erica when I went to Lindsey's for dinner last week. She seemed very nice so I wanted to be nice back and make sure to invite her too. It feels good to be making more friends. They are both fun to be around and very easy going. Hopefully, my plans will go well tomorrow. I have a few reservations because they are coming here but we will see.
It snowed here today! That is October in Maine for you. Don't worry my dear readers who aren't from Maine and who don't yet exist, this not typical Maine weather. Even the natives were surprised to look out their windows this morning at 9 am and see white flakes drifting slowly from the sky. I could only remember one time in previous years that in snowed in October. Twice in twenty years isn't too often I would say. I like snow. I am excited for snow. I'm not excited for the cold or the long walks to campus in the cold but I am excited for the snow. If it could snow and be like 60 or 70 out I would be in heaven. Snow is so much fun. There are snowmen, snow angels, snowmobiles, snowshoeing, sledding, snow ball fights, skiing and of course the ever popular snow days. Snow is great stuff. Not all Mainers like it though. I can't blame them. It is often cold and wet stuff.
You know I am not really sure I am liking being 20. It doesn't feel much different from when I was 18 or 19. It is pretty boring. The only difference really is that I am no longer living at home at all. Sometimes it doesn't feel much different from being 17 except the woman I am avoiding isn't my mom and there is no intrinsic love there because of familial bonds. Being 20 feels like being pushed into adulthood when I have been yearning for freedom and fun. It feels like wanting to be able to stay up all night and sleep all day and being unable to because I have to responsible. When did responsibility mean denying myself the right to giggle all night, watch bad movies, talk about boys, drive very badly, sing at the top of my lungs, dance in the living room, dance anywhere really, or play games? When did I start exhausting myself working, writing, going to school, driving, trying to keep old bonds, trying to keep and make new relationships, and paying the bills? It feels like I have already been doing it a very long time and I know somewhere deep down inside that I am going to keep doing it for a very long time afterward. Maybe that was where my lack of motivation came from last weekend. When will it be my time?
I have spent a long time in the gutters fighting for what is right, fighting for what I want, fighting for my rights. It feels like every victory I have has been obtained through a very long, exhausting fight. But didn't I say it?
"She knew this. Just as she knew the world is a hard place. That’s all. Not cruel or heartless or cold. But neither is it kind or loving or warm. It’s just hard. It’s meant to be. There are no easy choices in life. Just other choices. The world is not there to give us anything. Pessimists feel denied and optimists feel blessed but both are wrong. How can you be when there is nothing to be denied of and nothing to be blessed with? The world is a place to take. To take by storm. To take by passion. To take into you heart and love. To take by the hand and lead into a new future. To take lessons from. To learn from."
The world is a place to take from.
Tomorrow I am planning on cooking dinner for my friend, Lindsey and maybe her roommate, Erica. I met Erica when I went to Lindsey's for dinner last week. She seemed very nice so I wanted to be nice back and make sure to invite her too. It feels good to be making more friends. They are both fun to be around and very easy going. Hopefully, my plans will go well tomorrow. I have a few reservations because they are coming here but we will see.
It snowed here today! That is October in Maine for you. Don't worry my dear readers who aren't from Maine and who don't yet exist, this not typical Maine weather. Even the natives were surprised to look out their windows this morning at 9 am and see white flakes drifting slowly from the sky. I could only remember one time in previous years that in snowed in October. Twice in twenty years isn't too often I would say. I like snow. I am excited for snow. I'm not excited for the cold or the long walks to campus in the cold but I am excited for the snow. If it could snow and be like 60 or 70 out I would be in heaven. Snow is so much fun. There are snowmen, snow angels, snowmobiles, snowshoeing, sledding, snow ball fights, skiing and of course the ever popular snow days. Snow is great stuff. Not all Mainers like it though. I can't blame them. It is often cold and wet stuff.
You know I am not really sure I am liking being 20. It doesn't feel much different from when I was 18 or 19. It is pretty boring. The only difference really is that I am no longer living at home at all. Sometimes it doesn't feel much different from being 17 except the woman I am avoiding isn't my mom and there is no intrinsic love there because of familial bonds. Being 20 feels like being pushed into adulthood when I have been yearning for freedom and fun. It feels like wanting to be able to stay up all night and sleep all day and being unable to because I have to responsible. When did responsibility mean denying myself the right to giggle all night, watch bad movies, talk about boys, drive very badly, sing at the top of my lungs, dance in the living room, dance anywhere really, or play games? When did I start exhausting myself working, writing, going to school, driving, trying to keep old bonds, trying to keep and make new relationships, and paying the bills? It feels like I have already been doing it a very long time and I know somewhere deep down inside that I am going to keep doing it for a very long time afterward. Maybe that was where my lack of motivation came from last weekend. When will it be my time?
I have spent a long time in the gutters fighting for what is right, fighting for what I want, fighting for my rights. It feels like every victory I have has been obtained through a very long, exhausting fight. But didn't I say it?
"She knew this. Just as she knew the world is a hard place. That’s all. Not cruel or heartless or cold. But neither is it kind or loving or warm. It’s just hard. It’s meant to be. There are no easy choices in life. Just other choices. The world is not there to give us anything. Pessimists feel denied and optimists feel blessed but both are wrong. How can you be when there is nothing to be denied of and nothing to be blessed with? The world is a place to take. To take by storm. To take by passion. To take into you heart and love. To take by the hand and lead into a new future. To take lessons from. To learn from."
The world is a place to take from.
Monday, October 12, 2009
My Magic Carpet Ride
Today I went on a magic carpet ride.
I went to Florida.
My carpet and I rose up high in the sky,
We twisted, spiraled and dived in the night
The air was warm and hugged me close as it whipped on by
The moon hung over head
And the stars twinkled,
Like a secret caught in two lovers eyes.
For hours upon hours
I sailed overhead on my magic carpet,
A smile gently caressing my features.
As the moon began to sink,
And the sun started to brighten the horizon,
I knew it was time to return home.
With a light heart and happy memories I was homeward bound.
But soon the sky became dark.
Storm clouds rolled in like a stampede of angry wild horses.
Beautiful and frightening all at once.
And then it rained.
The rain fell in torrents
It beat down like a raging flood
It soaked right through my magic carpet
And then my carpet died.
As I was hovering in the air, the rain killed my magic carpet
And sent me spiraling towards the ground.
Falling,
Falling I was,
Forever down
Towards the ground
Where certain death awaited me.
It was then that my winged chair rescued me
It scooped me up out of the sky
And placed me gently on the ground,
Just before it saw
What was left of my magic carpet.
Falling from the sky,
The wind whipping its strings and tearing it to shreds
It crashed into the muddy ground and lay there still,
Very still.
Dead.
My chair saw what had become of my magic carpet,
And died right then and there
Of a broken heart.
Then the rain stopped as suddenly as it had started.
The sky was now bleak and gray.
Like the fog in a lovers eyes after the secret is long gone,
And all that’s left is broken.
Now what remains of my carpet is strings
and my chair sits in the back of my closet,
Broken
Forgotten,
And alone.
I went to Florida.
My carpet and I rose up high in the sky,
We twisted, spiraled and dived in the night
The air was warm and hugged me close as it whipped on by
The moon hung over head
And the stars twinkled,
Like a secret caught in two lovers eyes.
For hours upon hours
I sailed overhead on my magic carpet,
A smile gently caressing my features.
As the moon began to sink,
And the sun started to brighten the horizon,
I knew it was time to return home.
With a light heart and happy memories I was homeward bound.
But soon the sky became dark.
Storm clouds rolled in like a stampede of angry wild horses.
Beautiful and frightening all at once.
And then it rained.
The rain fell in torrents
It beat down like a raging flood
It soaked right through my magic carpet
And then my carpet died.
As I was hovering in the air, the rain killed my magic carpet
And sent me spiraling towards the ground.
Falling,
Falling I was,
Forever down
Towards the ground
Where certain death awaited me.
It was then that my winged chair rescued me
It scooped me up out of the sky
And placed me gently on the ground,
Just before it saw
What was left of my magic carpet.
Falling from the sky,
The wind whipping its strings and tearing it to shreds
It crashed into the muddy ground and lay there still,
Very still.
Dead.
My chair saw what had become of my magic carpet,
And died right then and there
Of a broken heart.
Then the rain stopped as suddenly as it had started.
The sky was now bleak and gray.
Like the fog in a lovers eyes after the secret is long gone,
And all that’s left is broken.
Now what remains of my carpet is strings
and my chair sits in the back of my closet,
Broken
Forgotten,
And alone.
Beautiful
Another quote from my favorite author.
"Something sprouted from her back – no, two somethings: resembling greenish, transparent wings. They started emitting a rich, vibrant light, bathing the sky around her in a distinct, yet indefinable aura. What was it? Freedom, maybe; the sense of something finally bursting free after a long, unwelcome confinement. Whatever it was, she felt immersed in it, felt it flowing over and around her, clinging to and sliding across her form like a lover’s gentle caress. It was warm, it was soft, it was sweet, it was firm, it was yielding – and above all else, it was hers. She twirled and swooped in the air, flying about like an elegant, graceful dancer. Everywhere she went, the shadows parted – destroyed by her gentle light."
"Something sprouted from her back – no, two somethings: resembling greenish, transparent wings. They started emitting a rich, vibrant light, bathing the sky around her in a distinct, yet indefinable aura. What was it? Freedom, maybe; the sense of something finally bursting free after a long, unwelcome confinement. Whatever it was, she felt immersed in it, felt it flowing over and around her, clinging to and sliding across her form like a lover’s gentle caress. It was warm, it was soft, it was sweet, it was firm, it was yielding – and above all else, it was hers. She twirled and swooped in the air, flying about like an elegant, graceful dancer. Everywhere she went, the shadows parted – destroyed by her gentle light."
Mondays Off Are Great
I loved having today off. I woke up late, laid in bed for an hour cause I didn't feel like getting up, went out to Subway for lunch and just now finished my homework for tomorrow. It is so nice to not have to worry about class or work. I am now taking a break from homework to write this. I love writing. Despite my lack of an appetite and lack of motivation the last couple of days this is still a pretty desirable pastime. That probably tells you something about the sick nature of my psyche. Why would anyone want to torture themselves with writing? I have no idea but I like it.
The election is getting closer. So many people are campaigning about question 1. It seems to have everyone riled up. It seems so silly to me that so many people are like that. It is a simple question of denying people their rights. Vote yes and the marriage law allowing gays and lesbians to marry is repelled. Vote no and the law stands allowing people who should have had the right to pursue happiness in whatever lifestyle they want are denied. It seems like the only fair, right, just, and kind thing to do here is to vote no. Maybe that is just me though.
I was campaigned at the other day by this woman outside the student center. She is trying to get people to vote yes. She says she doesn't want them teaching about those types of relationships in school. She says they shouldn't be exposed to that lifestyle because it is a hard way to live. Saying "think of the children" to me really doesn't work. These people love each other and it is from that love that their desire to get married stems. Children understand love. They know love. They know what love looks like. Why should the love between a man and a man or between two women be any different than any other kind of love? Why should it be any less valued? We are all human beings and we all want to be paired with someone when love and grow old with. We have no right or reason to deny that to anyone. Besides, marriage is just a piece of paper... right?
The election is getting closer. So many people are campaigning about question 1. It seems to have everyone riled up. It seems so silly to me that so many people are like that. It is a simple question of denying people their rights. Vote yes and the marriage law allowing gays and lesbians to marry is repelled. Vote no and the law stands allowing people who should have had the right to pursue happiness in whatever lifestyle they want are denied. It seems like the only fair, right, just, and kind thing to do here is to vote no. Maybe that is just me though.
I was campaigned at the other day by this woman outside the student center. She is trying to get people to vote yes. She says she doesn't want them teaching about those types of relationships in school. She says they shouldn't be exposed to that lifestyle because it is a hard way to live. Saying "think of the children" to me really doesn't work. These people love each other and it is from that love that their desire to get married stems. Children understand love. They know love. They know what love looks like. Why should the love between a man and a man or between two women be any different than any other kind of love? Why should it be any less valued? We are all human beings and we all want to be paired with someone when love and grow old with. We have no right or reason to deny that to anyone. Besides, marriage is just a piece of paper... right?
Saturday, October 10, 2009
No Motivation
I have absolutely no motivation to do anything related to work tonight. I have a ton of homework due Tuesday and Wednesday and it is stressing me out but I am completely refusing to do it. I just don't see the point in doing it. What is the point of doing my homework? Of getting good grades? Of graduating? Of becoming a teacher. What am I really accomplishing by doing anything? What is the point here? I don't get any enjoyment out of work or school anymore. I'm just tired and bored. I can't remember the last time I spent an entire day just having fun. I can't even remember the last time I was home to see my family. Any of my family for more than 10 minutes. When was the last time I spent an entire day with Garret just having fun? Just laying in bed cuddling? I miss slow mornings where Garret and I had to haul ourselves out of bed because we didn't want to leave. I miss laying in bed with him refusing to wake up and stroking my hair and back trying to put me back to sleep while I kissed his chest and neck in an attempt to wake him up. I just feel no reason to do anything. Why should I do the dishes? Take a shower? Go to work? Do my homework? Get out of bed? Why? Why? Why?
I'm so tired. I'm not even sure why I am writing this. I can name the people who will read it on one hand. It doesn't seem to be doing me much good tonight. I'm not sure where this is all coming from. Maybe Garret is right and I just need a break. Or maybe I have finally cracked and realized that my entire existence is completely pointless. Where is the hope I preached before? Where is my risk? My chance? Where is my confidence and assured attitude? Where is my "I can take on the world strength"? Huh? Where?
I'm so tired. I'm not even sure why I am writing this. I can name the people who will read it on one hand. It doesn't seem to be doing me much good tonight. I'm not sure where this is all coming from. Maybe Garret is right and I just need a break. Or maybe I have finally cracked and realized that my entire existence is completely pointless. Where is the hope I preached before? Where is my risk? My chance? Where is my confidence and assured attitude? Where is my "I can take on the world strength"? Huh? Where?
Friday, October 9, 2009
Quotes from Phoenix Girl
"The only thing pessimism brings is regrets. The worst that can be said about optimists is that they were deceived, mistaken and disappointed. But at least they try. At least they know that a life of only suffering is no life at all. At least they have hope. And at least they have no regrets and no amends to be made. If he had just believed it could be his. He’d destroyed his one hope."
"She’d gone through desert after desert and oasis after oasis looking for him. Sometimes she wondered if the torture she put herself through was really worth it. But she’d clung. Clung to her hope. You see those of us who suffer, suffer for a reason. Being deserving doesn’t matter. Just the hope someone else shall one day benefit from our pain. For she who saves one life saves the world. A world to take happiness from."
"She’d gone through desert after desert and oasis after oasis looking for him. Sometimes she wondered if the torture she put herself through was really worth it. But she’d clung. Clung to her hope. You see those of us who suffer, suffer for a reason. Being deserving doesn’t matter. Just the hope someone else shall one day benefit from our pain. For she who saves one life saves the world. A world to take happiness from."
Fears
Today in my SED class we did this activity where we talk about some problem and the other person just rephrases what we have said and says it back to us in order to show they are listening and to clarify anything we might have said. I realized as I was talking that the thing that scares me most isn't dying. It's not accomplishing anything. I want to be a teacher in part because I want to change the world. I want to teach students what it means to be respectful, caring, hard-working individuals who have a voice and an opinion and know how to express that in a respectful way. This will make the world a better place to live. But I'm never going to be around long enough to enjoy it. No matter how much work I put it I am not going to get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I want to be a teacher and I am working on that. So, yes, I will see the end of that goal. But my other goal requires me to have a positive effect on my students' lives and I will never get to see that. I also want to be an author. I have this fear that has developed ever since I had my dry spell where I wasn't writing at all, that I would never be published. I'll be some nameless author out there writing but no one will ever hear my name. I will never be in print. I'm also afraid that I have no talent. What if my mom is wrong and I'm not talented? What if I am just another hack who shouldn't be bothering to try writing?
I love writing. But is passion enough for that? Will passion for my art be enough to get me through rejection after rejection from publishers? Will passion be enough to keep me writing? Is passion enough to create good writing?
Where did my confidence go?
I love writing. But is passion enough for that? Will passion for my art be enough to get me through rejection after rejection from publishers? Will passion be enough to keep me writing? Is passion enough to create good writing?
Where did my confidence go?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Posting or Cuddling?
It is Thursday night. I don't know why but I am kind of looking forward to the end of the week. I always seem to greet Friday warmly even though it usually means a very busy weekend filled with mindless work. It isn't really a break so why does Friday sound so good? Maybe it is because I only have one class? Or maybe it is because there will be no classes Monday? Shh! Don't tell work that I have Monday off. I am sure they will try to get me to work a Monday again and it killed me this week. I really don't want to do it again.
I don't have a big concept to talk about tonight and my day really wasn't very special. I suppose I could talk about the lunch I had with a friend from work or about how rude customers can be. I could write about the new poem I just wrote but if I did that then it would leave you with no fun of your own. No one wants to be told what a poem is about. I could talk about the need to take tonight off just because I know I am ahead some if not as much as I would like to be. Nothing seems like it would be very interesting to anyone, including me. I could talk some more about what it has been like growing up poor or about what I am learning here at school. Neither seems to offer anything new right now. I could talk about the power of language. I could talk about that all day and get no where.
Honestly, it is almost 10:30 and I had a rather long day today., I have really been looking forward to laying in or on my bed with Garret and being utterly silly. We like to cuddle and be silly. Or cuddle and talk. Or cuddle and edit. Or cuddle and watch movies. I think we just like holding each other. Plus he has left his sweatshirt laying on the bed next to me and I am very tempted right now to put it on and cuddle with it while he is busy with his game. Hmm... maybe I can pull him away for a bit of cuddling...
Goodnight.
I don't have a big concept to talk about tonight and my day really wasn't very special. I suppose I could talk about the lunch I had with a friend from work or about how rude customers can be. I could write about the new poem I just wrote but if I did that then it would leave you with no fun of your own. No one wants to be told what a poem is about. I could talk about the need to take tonight off just because I know I am ahead some if not as much as I would like to be. Nothing seems like it would be very interesting to anyone, including me. I could talk some more about what it has been like growing up poor or about what I am learning here at school. Neither seems to offer anything new right now. I could talk about the power of language. I could talk about that all day and get no where.
Honestly, it is almost 10:30 and I had a rather long day today., I have really been looking forward to laying in or on my bed with Garret and being utterly silly. We like to cuddle and be silly. Or cuddle and talk. Or cuddle and edit. Or cuddle and watch movies. I think we just like holding each other. Plus he has left his sweatshirt laying on the bed next to me and I am very tempted right now to put it on and cuddle with it while he is busy with his game. Hmm... maybe I can pull him away for a bit of cuddling...
Goodnight.
His
His
rough, callous hands stroked my hand and fingers
Slowly, softly,
Sending shivers up my spine.
His
full, soft lips touched mine
Making me see fireworks. Teaching me
What it feels like to be in love.
His
Bright smile and larger than life laugh
Made me want to be silly,
To make him smile and laugh forever.
"But more than these things,
I miss who I was when I was with them."
He
Excited me.
He was mysterious, dangerous.
My stomach was butterflies, my knees weak.
I was a rebel. I was the secret keeper.
He
Made me feel confident, sexy, strong.
Reassured.
I could do anything. Be anything.
I would be a poet, an author.
He
Made me feel silly, light, free. Like
Running through the woods at night,
Barefoot, while the moon hung low overhead
And I felt no fear.
"Love,
No matter how we love
Changes us forever."
rough, callous hands stroked my hand and fingers
Slowly, softly,
Sending shivers up my spine.
His
full, soft lips touched mine
Making me see fireworks. Teaching me
What it feels like to be in love.
His
Bright smile and larger than life laugh
Made me want to be silly,
To make him smile and laugh forever.
"But more than these things,
I miss who I was when I was with them."
He
Excited me.
He was mysterious, dangerous.
My stomach was butterflies, my knees weak.
I was a rebel. I was the secret keeper.
He
Made me feel confident, sexy, strong.
Reassured.
I could do anything. Be anything.
I would be a poet, an author.
He
Made me feel silly, light, free. Like
Running through the woods at night,
Barefoot, while the moon hung low overhead
And I felt no fear.
"Love,
No matter how we love
Changes us forever."
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Far, Far Away
I remember those early mornings
Waiting for the bus.
The morning was cold
And quiet.
I would look down the road one way
And then the other
And imagine all the places that road could take me.
When the bus finally arrived
I would walk across the street,
Climb into the bus
And watch as the bus would drive past my house.
I would stare and try to take it in.
I’d imagine this bus was taking me away
That this was it.
That my life had started and I was finally leaving
For good.
I'm not very happy with this poem so any suggestions on how to improve it would be great!
Waiting for the bus.
The morning was cold
And quiet.
I would look down the road one way
And then the other
And imagine all the places that road could take me.
When the bus finally arrived
I would walk across the street,
Climb into the bus
And watch as the bus would drive past my house.
I would stare and try to take it in.
I’d imagine this bus was taking me away
That this was it.
That my life had started and I was finally leaving
For good.
I'm not very happy with this poem so any suggestions on how to improve it would be great!
Getting Ahead
It is Wednesday and I have spent all day doing homework and going to classes. I slept in until 11:40 or so which really helped combat my lack of sleep and how tired I have been. Then I ate and went to class after which I ate a little more and did homework. Then class again, then food again and then homework until 9:30 and then a shower. I have all of my homework for tomorrow done and since I don't have homework due for Friday I started my homework for Tuesday. I finished my reading for my Content Lit class on Tuesday so now I have the project left for that class and reading for Poetry due that day. I'm trying very hard to get ahead so that I can go into next week in good shape especially since I don't know what my work schedule will look like. I'm also hoping to get all of the stuff for Tuesday and Wednesday done early so I can use my Monday where I have no classes to complete one or two assignments for my SED class. I need to get more points in that class so that I can get an A. We are ten classes in, there are only 28 classes, I need a 1080 points for an A and I so far only have 319. So almost halfway through the class and I don't have half the points yet. With a couple of assignments though I should be able to catch up though. If I do an RTI I can get 100 points and then if I do research I will get 50 points. That's two classes worth of assignments and will put me almost halfway with 2 classes to spare. Hopefully, I can get one or both assignments done Monday if I work all day.
Anyway, enough about homework. Today in my SED class we talked about this new legislation that Obama wants to put through. He wants to make kids go to school for 10 hours instead of 8. Yuck! No way is that helpful. By the time the kids get out of school after a ten hour day they will be burned out, tired and hungry. One guy in class made the point that most school days are made up of 4 periods and each one is 80 minutes which means kids are only spending roughly 5 hours actually in class. So maybe I can see cutting back on time in between classes or cutting out study halls but then when do students who don't do work at home do their homework? Also, what about the kids that have been awake since 5 am because they had to take 2 buses just to get to school. They are going to be even more burned out then the rest of the kids because they have been up for so long and they will have no time at night to do much of anything because they will have to go to bed early so they can get up early the next morning and do it again. I haven't even mentioned yet what this does to teachers. Teachers already spend eight hours with screaming kids all day. And not just one or two but 80-100. You want to add another two hours on to an already busy and stressful day? Any person with kids will tell you that is insane. I like Obama. I voted for him. I have liked most of his policies. The only thing I have never liked has been his some of his policies on education. He has not gotten rid of the No Child Left behind Act in favor of a bill that would stress instead the importance of standardized testing but that would require teachers to teach kids how to think. He has proposed more funding for No Child Left Behind and he has proposed using standardized tests to determine a teacher's salary. The last part there is completely unfair. I saw my students in practicum last semester take the MEAs and they did not take it seriously. A lot of them didn't even try the math problems. They simply made up the work and the answers. How can teachers be expected to make students take the test seriously? It isn't going to help them get into college. It isn't going to affect their grades and it certainly isn't going to stop them from graduating from middle school or high school. What do they care if these tests may shut their school down for good. After that year they never have to go back. Plus they hate school, they would be ok with school being shut down. Don't most kids hate school?
Anyway, enough about homework. Today in my SED class we talked about this new legislation that Obama wants to put through. He wants to make kids go to school for 10 hours instead of 8. Yuck! No way is that helpful. By the time the kids get out of school after a ten hour day they will be burned out, tired and hungry. One guy in class made the point that most school days are made up of 4 periods and each one is 80 minutes which means kids are only spending roughly 5 hours actually in class. So maybe I can see cutting back on time in between classes or cutting out study halls but then when do students who don't do work at home do their homework? Also, what about the kids that have been awake since 5 am because they had to take 2 buses just to get to school. They are going to be even more burned out then the rest of the kids because they have been up for so long and they will have no time at night to do much of anything because they will have to go to bed early so they can get up early the next morning and do it again. I haven't even mentioned yet what this does to teachers. Teachers already spend eight hours with screaming kids all day. And not just one or two but 80-100. You want to add another two hours on to an already busy and stressful day? Any person with kids will tell you that is insane. I like Obama. I voted for him. I have liked most of his policies. The only thing I have never liked has been his some of his policies on education. He has not gotten rid of the No Child Left behind Act in favor of a bill that would stress instead the importance of standardized testing but that would require teachers to teach kids how to think. He has proposed more funding for No Child Left Behind and he has proposed using standardized tests to determine a teacher's salary. The last part there is completely unfair. I saw my students in practicum last semester take the MEAs and they did not take it seriously. A lot of them didn't even try the math problems. They simply made up the work and the answers. How can teachers be expected to make students take the test seriously? It isn't going to help them get into college. It isn't going to affect their grades and it certainly isn't going to stop them from graduating from middle school or high school. What do they care if these tests may shut their school down for good. After that year they never have to go back. Plus they hate school, they would be ok with school being shut down. Don't most kids hate school?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Finally a Day to Relax
It is Tuesday finally which means that I can take a break. I did a little. I finished my reading for tomorrow but have gone no further with my homework. I figure I have time later tonight and all day tomorrow. I watched a movie while doing my reading because I felt I deserved at least a little bit of a break. At least this semester isn't as stressful as last semester even if I am tired and have quite a bit of work. I get to do fun things still like watch movies, watch TV and tonight I'm going to have dinner at a friend's house. It will be nice to have a home cooked meal made by someone for me. I'm a little nervous cause her roommate will be there and I haven't met her before but I'm sure it will be fine. I'm considering driving into the video store and renting a movie to take with me. I said I would bring a movie and scrabble but I'm not sure what we will end up doing. I'm hoping it is warm there. It is cold here. Although, it could just seem to be cold to me because I'm tired. Yes, I'm still tired. Maybe not as bad as yesterday but still tired. Hopefully, I will get caught up on sleep soon.
I have had a major realization today. Despite my living situation and despite work and school, I am really very lucky. I have Garret. I have this wonderful human being in my life who even though I am crazy, stressed, tired, totally insane and often very difficult to live with, puts up with all of it and still manages to love me just for being me. I never realized it more than last night when I being disappointed(mostly in myself, again)tried to explain it to him and he, as patient with me for feeling this way even though it was completely unnecessary, went over the same things we always do that always make me feel better and remind me once again that he is right. Those things that I seem to forget when I feel like I have failed at making us both happy. Could I ask for anyone else to love me better than he? He has really stuck it out with me through everything. All of the crap the world as created for me and all the crap I have created for myself. I can't imagine that I have done anything in this world good enough or great enough to deserve that. But here he is. Still as amazing to me as he was almost three years ago now. Different yes. But still loving, generous, caring, funny, intelligent and altogether more than I could have ever imagined possible.
I hope that I can hold onto him. I hope that I can keep doing whatever it is that I have done to keep him for so long. I hope that I am as good to him, as generous, loving, caring and wonderful to him as he is to me. I hope that as he learns more and more of my faults he still looks at me like he did when we first started dating. With that look of complete wonder that someone so special could exist let alone allow themselves to be held by his arms.
I have had a major realization today. Despite my living situation and despite work and school, I am really very lucky. I have Garret. I have this wonderful human being in my life who even though I am crazy, stressed, tired, totally insane and often very difficult to live with, puts up with all of it and still manages to love me just for being me. I never realized it more than last night when I being disappointed(mostly in myself, again)tried to explain it to him and he, as patient with me for feeling this way even though it was completely unnecessary, went over the same things we always do that always make me feel better and remind me once again that he is right. Those things that I seem to forget when I feel like I have failed at making us both happy. Could I ask for anyone else to love me better than he? He has really stuck it out with me through everything. All of the crap the world as created for me and all the crap I have created for myself. I can't imagine that I have done anything in this world good enough or great enough to deserve that. But here he is. Still as amazing to me as he was almost three years ago now. Different yes. But still loving, generous, caring, funny, intelligent and altogether more than I could have ever imagined possible.
I hope that I can hold onto him. I hope that I can keep doing whatever it is that I have done to keep him for so long. I hope that I am as good to him, as generous, loving, caring and wonderful to him as he is to me. I hope that as he learns more and more of my faults he still looks at me like he did when we first started dating. With that look of complete wonder that someone so special could exist let alone allow themselves to be held by his arms.
Would You Remember Me Then?
I want you to know
That I’m happy
For you.
I wish nothing but
The best for you both.
How could you forget about me?
Did you not see me cooking our food
And cleaning our living room?
Didn’t you wonder why my food
In the cupboard was vanishing
Or who was in the shower that morning?
Maybe I should have eaten your food,
Used your shampoo,
Killed your plants,
Overfed your fish,
Turned my music up louder,
Or kept you awake with my late night screams.
Would you have remembered me then?
Inspired by Alannis Morrsette
That I’m happy
For you.
I wish nothing but
The best for you both.
How could you forget about me?
Did you not see me cooking our food
And cleaning our living room?
Didn’t you wonder why my food
In the cupboard was vanishing
Or who was in the shower that morning?
Maybe I should have eaten your food,
Used your shampoo,
Killed your plants,
Overfed your fish,
Turned my music up louder,
Or kept you awake with my late night screams.
Would you have remembered me then?
Inspired by Alannis Morrsette
Love
I love when you are being silly
As much as I may tell you I hate it
I love that you try to hoodwink me when I am half asleep
I love how you make me laugh
I love it when you hold me in your arms
And nestle your face in my shoulder
I love when you whisper in my ear.
I love the way your arms wrap around me when you hug me
And your hands rub my back.
I love your smile
So mischievious
I love the way you look at me
Like I’m something special.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Of Hope And Love
There was once this boy you see,
Well actually you don’t,
And that was the whole point.
He was surrounded by friends.
For him it was all fun and games,
Or so it seemed.
In reality he was hiding.
Hiding that he was hurt,
Hiding that he was lonely,
Hiding that he was disappointed.
Pessimism was his poison,
And sarcasm was his protector.
Sleep taunted him,
Understanding eluded him
And happiness
Was a fairy tale,
Hopelessly unreal.
No one knew
And no one cared.
Until one day,
A happy accident occurred.
A twist of fate brought him his antidote
And tore down all his walls.
A single girl sat down next to him
In physics class one day.
Who knew one girl,
One scarred and tragic
whisper of a girl could make all the difference?
She too was lonely,
She too was hurt.
For she had been hurt many times before
And expected to be hurt many times again
Before her time on this earth was ended.
But something about her was different.
Maybe it was the ever present,
Heartfelt smile she could still wear everyday,
Or maybe it was the strength she had to carry on.
Maybe it was the intelligence and wisdom in her eyes
Or maybe it was her belief,
Her desperate will to hold onto a hope he didn’t have.
Whatever it was,
It was different.
Like nothing else he’d ever seen before.
And it brought him back his hope.
His hope that maybe the world wasn‘t all bad.
That maybe good people do exist.
That maybe someone cared.
That maybe,
Just maybe he could be happy.
She had given him new eyes to see with,
But in the end all he could see was her.
And like fate always does when it brings two people together,
For a purpose beyond our understanding
He fell in love with her.
And she fell in love with him.
Well actually you don’t,
And that was the whole point.
He was surrounded by friends.
For him it was all fun and games,
Or so it seemed.
In reality he was hiding.
Hiding that he was hurt,
Hiding that he was lonely,
Hiding that he was disappointed.
Pessimism was his poison,
And sarcasm was his protector.
Sleep taunted him,
Understanding eluded him
And happiness
Was a fairy tale,
Hopelessly unreal.
No one knew
And no one cared.
Until one day,
A happy accident occurred.
A twist of fate brought him his antidote
And tore down all his walls.
A single girl sat down next to him
In physics class one day.
Who knew one girl,
One scarred and tragic
whisper of a girl could make all the difference?
She too was lonely,
She too was hurt.
For she had been hurt many times before
And expected to be hurt many times again
Before her time on this earth was ended.
But something about her was different.
Maybe it was the ever present,
Heartfelt smile she could still wear everyday,
Or maybe it was the strength she had to carry on.
Maybe it was the intelligence and wisdom in her eyes
Or maybe it was her belief,
Her desperate will to hold onto a hope he didn’t have.
Whatever it was,
It was different.
Like nothing else he’d ever seen before.
And it brought him back his hope.
His hope that maybe the world wasn‘t all bad.
That maybe good people do exist.
That maybe someone cared.
That maybe,
Just maybe he could be happy.
She had given him new eyes to see with,
But in the end all he could see was her.
And like fate always does when it brings two people together,
For a purpose beyond our understanding
He fell in love with her.
And she fell in love with him.
If We Were In A Movie
If we were a movie
You’d be the right guy
And I’d be the best friend.
You’d fall in love with me
And I wouldn’t see.
That you were right there beside me.
Holding my hair back when I puked
And holding me tight when I’ve had a bad day.
Offer me a shoulder when I need to cry
Wipe away all my tears
And curse the world that hurt me.
Then one day that would change,
It’d start with a look
A glance I should have known was just for me.
Then there’d be a smile
Finally the big finale.
The kiss to end all questions,
A gentle soft caress on my lips.
Then the music would play
And the screen would cut to black.
But we’re not in a movie.
I didn’t even know you existed.
You sat a few seats away for years
You were just under my radar.
I look back on those years
I’m glad we’re not in a movie.
I couldn’t stand it if I’d spent all that time as your best friend
And had never opened my eyes to see
The guy sitting next to me.
Because now that you’re here
You’re my best friend
And I’m In Love With You
You’d be the right guy
And I’d be the best friend.
You’d fall in love with me
And I wouldn’t see.
That you were right there beside me.
Holding my hair back when I puked
And holding me tight when I’ve had a bad day.
Offer me a shoulder when I need to cry
Wipe away all my tears
And curse the world that hurt me.
Then one day that would change,
It’d start with a look
A glance I should have known was just for me.
Then there’d be a smile
Finally the big finale.
The kiss to end all questions,
A gentle soft caress on my lips.
Then the music would play
And the screen would cut to black.
But we’re not in a movie.
I didn’t even know you existed.
You sat a few seats away for years
You were just under my radar.
I look back on those years
I’m glad we’re not in a movie.
I couldn’t stand it if I’d spent all that time as your best friend
And had never opened my eyes to see
The guy sitting next to me.
Because now that you’re here
You’re my best friend
And I’m In Love With You
Blood and Words
I open up all these scars
To let out all the pain
I bleed the words
And dig in deeper
But all I find is meaningless.
My life is made of sweat, tears and words.
Inspired by Linkin Park's song Bleed it Out
To let out all the pain
I bleed the words
And dig in deeper
But all I find is meaningless.
My life is made of sweat, tears and words.
Inspired by Linkin Park's song Bleed it Out
3 days!
I am feeling a little guilty. I was doing so good, writing just about everyday. Then Thursday I didn't put a poem up with my post, I didn't write much of anything and I haven't written anything since then. I have been so tired. The last three days I have been so exhausted. Today did not help. I worked on homework all day Friday, then the next two days I spent working and today, I got up early to go to work again. I really just want to go back to bed. But I can't. I just finished my reading for tomorrow and I'm thinking that if I get a head start on stuff for Wednesday then I can spend most of tomorrow doing work on the two projects I have due for Content Lit soon. No rest for the weary huh? And this is a good time for me to do it. Garret is at SI till 8 and I have shut myself in my room with headphones on to tune everything out. The roommates' music was loud and I tried to tune it out by just turning mine up louder but I could still hear it. So I gave up and put headphones on. It was kind of fun though to have my music up really loud while I was singing very badly and organizing my Content Lit notebook so I could figure out what is due tomorrow. I'm glad I did that cause the thing I thought was due tomorrow isn't due until next Tuesday. That gives me more free time for the first draft of my more major project, which is due Thursday.
I had a pretty rough weekend. I had a very serious conversation with my friend, Steve, Friday because I have been having panic attacks about death. I'm 20 years old. Way too young to be worried about it I know but I have been. Basically we talked about energy and about why I am panicking. He seemed to think that there might be something in my life causing it. Well, I have been a little stressed about the living situation. Garret and I had my second serious conversation about that late Saturday because I couldn't sleep cause of worrying about it. He said it could be worse and that I need to just keep doing what I am doing. I think he is right. There is nothing wrong with just staying in here and keeping myself out of the situation completely as much as I possibly can. In this case it is probably the best idea. I think I need to listen to more music too. Its good background.
As for my writing, I haven't written anything. I still believe that this blog has been good for the health of my heart and soul and so I am going to go back to trying to post everyday. I am seriously hoping I can get back into the habit of it quickly. If not every day then at least every other day. I am also picking at a few new pieces. I started a new poem at work but I haven't had time to return to it yet. If I get a chance to then I will post it. I also started a short story one day in my American texts class but I'm not sure yet where that is going. So it may not go far. I would love to write a short story or a t least be working with some new, and lovable characters. I was on a very good streak with my poetry for a while there and I am hoping that with continued diligence to my craft that streak will continue. Until then here is some older writing to keep you busy. Enjoy.
I had a pretty rough weekend. I had a very serious conversation with my friend, Steve, Friday because I have been having panic attacks about death. I'm 20 years old. Way too young to be worried about it I know but I have been. Basically we talked about energy and about why I am panicking. He seemed to think that there might be something in my life causing it. Well, I have been a little stressed about the living situation. Garret and I had my second serious conversation about that late Saturday because I couldn't sleep cause of worrying about it. He said it could be worse and that I need to just keep doing what I am doing. I think he is right. There is nothing wrong with just staying in here and keeping myself out of the situation completely as much as I possibly can. In this case it is probably the best idea. I think I need to listen to more music too. Its good background.
As for my writing, I haven't written anything. I still believe that this blog has been good for the health of my heart and soul and so I am going to go back to trying to post everyday. I am seriously hoping I can get back into the habit of it quickly. If not every day then at least every other day. I am also picking at a few new pieces. I started a new poem at work but I haven't had time to return to it yet. If I get a chance to then I will post it. I also started a short story one day in my American texts class but I'm not sure yet where that is going. So it may not go far. I would love to write a short story or a t least be working with some new, and lovable characters. I was on a very good streak with my poetry for a while there and I am hoping that with continued diligence to my craft that streak will continue. Until then here is some older writing to keep you busy. Enjoy.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Tired
I didn't sleep well last night. Garret and I were in bed by 10 or 10:30 but I did not fall asleep till well after 12. I just tossed and turned all night. Garret got up at 6:30 and I almost got up with him because I didn't want to do any more tossing and turning. I then went to two very early morning classes and after that work. Work by the way needs to get their act together. I was scheduled to work Monday last week 8-4 even though I have a class from 3:45 to 5:15 and I wrote them a note telling them when I could work and Monday was not listed. Luckily, my bosses all love me and were willing to make some changes for me. I am not longer scheduled to work Monday but I didn't get the Saturday and Sunday I requested off. Instead I am working a full eight hour day on Saturday. I will just have to visit my family another time. Hopefully, I will get the 25th off. I told my boss today that I had requested after I had put the request in weeks ago. Maybe they will remember.
So between not sleeping well, classes that were very draining and early, work that I had to talk to about my schedule as well as work and two long drives, I am very tired. I think that I'm going to cuddle, maybe watch TV and go to bed. I'll write tomorrow when i have more to say.
So between not sleeping well, classes that were very draining and early, work that I had to talk to about my schedule as well as work and two long drives, I am very tired. I think that I'm going to cuddle, maybe watch TV and go to bed. I'll write tomorrow when i have more to say.
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