Today has been a good day overall. I got all of my homework done for tomorrow and since I was over-productive last week with my readings I have finished all of the readings for Thursday. This left me time to take my boyfriend out to eat, to read a packet, write a paper, watch House and watch the third installment of Anne of Green Gables in it's entirety before I sat down to write this. A slow but productive day I would say. I think th previous weekend has taught me something about being too ambitious. It makes me burn out. Hopefully, this time I will remember the lesson and not try to overdue it. Also, in the good news column I am eating again. I haven't has an appetite the last few days and finally today I haven't eaten like I normally do. All of this good news though must be accompanied by something not so great, right? My ear has been bothering me. It feels like it has some water in it or something. It isn't as bad as it was last night but it is still very annoying. I am hoping it doesn't signify a return of my ear problems.
Tomorrow I am planning on cooking dinner for my friend, Lindsey and maybe her roommate, Erica. I met Erica when I went to Lindsey's for dinner last week. She seemed very nice so I wanted to be nice back and make sure to invite her too. It feels good to be making more friends. They are both fun to be around and very easy going. Hopefully, my plans will go well tomorrow. I have a few reservations because they are coming here but we will see.
It snowed here today! That is October in Maine for you. Don't worry my dear readers who aren't from Maine and who don't yet exist, this not typical Maine weather. Even the natives were surprised to look out their windows this morning at 9 am and see white flakes drifting slowly from the sky. I could only remember one time in previous years that in snowed in October. Twice in twenty years isn't too often I would say. I like snow. I am excited for snow. I'm not excited for the cold or the long walks to campus in the cold but I am excited for the snow. If it could snow and be like 60 or 70 out I would be in heaven. Snow is so much fun. There are snowmen, snow angels, snowmobiles, snowshoeing, sledding, snow ball fights, skiing and of course the ever popular snow days. Snow is great stuff. Not all Mainers like it though. I can't blame them. It is often cold and wet stuff.
You know I am not really sure I am liking being 20. It doesn't feel much different from when I was 18 or 19. It is pretty boring. The only difference really is that I am no longer living at home at all. Sometimes it doesn't feel much different from being 17 except the woman I am avoiding isn't my mom and there is no intrinsic love there because of familial bonds. Being 20 feels like being pushed into adulthood when I have been yearning for freedom and fun. It feels like wanting to be able to stay up all night and sleep all day and being unable to because I have to responsible. When did responsibility mean denying myself the right to giggle all night, watch bad movies, talk about boys, drive very badly, sing at the top of my lungs, dance in the living room, dance anywhere really, or play games? When did I start exhausting myself working, writing, going to school, driving, trying to keep old bonds, trying to keep and make new relationships, and paying the bills? It feels like I have already been doing it a very long time and I know somewhere deep down inside that I am going to keep doing it for a very long time afterward. Maybe that was where my lack of motivation came from last weekend. When will it be my time?
I have spent a long time in the gutters fighting for what is right, fighting for what I want, fighting for my rights. It feels like every victory I have has been obtained through a very long, exhausting fight. But didn't I say it?
"She knew this. Just as she knew the world is a hard place. That’s all. Not cruel or heartless or cold. But neither is it kind or loving or warm. It’s just hard. It’s meant to be. There are no easy choices in life. Just other choices. The world is not there to give us anything. Pessimists feel denied and optimists feel blessed but both are wrong. How can you be when there is nothing to be denied of and nothing to be blessed with? The world is a place to take. To take by storm. To take by passion. To take into you heart and love. To take by the hand and lead into a new future. To take lessons from. To learn from."
The world is a place to take from.
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