Every year I spend Thanksgiving with my dad's extended family at my grandmother's house. There is all the usual foods. Turkey, corn, stuffing, gravy, potatoes, rolls, carrots and more. There are 9 grandchildren, including me, then there are my two aunts, John, my dad, my step-mom, Raymond and Mimi. We all crowd into my grandmother's tiny little house for this feast, for Christmas Eve, for Easter and sometimes for birthdays too. And right before we eat our feast, our mouths watering and barely able to contain our hunger anymore my grandmother makes us all hold hands around her kitchen island and say grace. Now I will admit that I usually just bow my head like a good girl and listen and hope it is short because I am hungry but this year was different. I held hands with the people standing next to me and I looked around at us all as we bowed our heads.
Standing there was my "boys". My brothers and my cousins. Standing there were my aunts. There was my dad and Kelly. There was my grandmother and Raymond. I couldn't help but look around and smile a little. And when I bowed my head to say grace I couldn't help but be proud of them.
We are all warriors in our own way. We must all be descended from a great plains people, from vikings or amazons. For even though we don't wear war pain or helms or throw giant spears at our enemies we fight battles.
My dad is a great Viking. He braves the seas of fear and of change. He has fears and anxieties all the time. Fear of the unknown. Fear of new places, new environments, new people. But yet here he is strong as ever gathered with his family around this feast. He is a mighty warrior indeed.
My step-mom, Kelly is a fiery red-head. An Irish warrior woman through and through. She would as soon cook you dinner as knock your head in for hurting one of her kids. She fights everyday to keep them safe and healthy. She is always afraid of germs and that they will get sick. She is a good mom.
My cousin, Coty is off braving the new world like some kind of sailor on board with Columbus. Off to new lands. He is going to school out in New York all by himself and studying to be a physical therapist. The only doctor in our family. He is brave and strong to go so far away from home.
My cousin, Scotty and my brother, Nick are like Indians getting ready to go on their first hunt alone or preparing to go on a spirit quest. They are seniors in high school. They have fought their way through the education system and have come up towards the top. They are getting ready to brave adulthood and find out what it means to be themselves.
My cousin, Casey remains the last little Indian in school. He is now braving the halls alone and he soon too will be facing adulthood.
My older cousin, Brandon has returned from Arizona. He is the lost wanderer who has returned home for a time. He left us to be with a girl and in doing so he learned what it meant to live and work on your own.
My older cousin, Justy is the Indian warrior who has decided to stay home and care for the tribe. He hasn't left us for college or for anything else. That too is a hard path. he has chosen to begin adulthood early.
My aunt Susie is a beautiful African warrior princess. She is tall and strong. She fights for her health. She has had to learn to eat right, quit smoking and exercise regularly. Life is important to fight for too.
My aunt Joyce is the American rock queen. She is tall and thin with beautiful long brown hair. She too must fight for health. She was not too long ago in the hospital because of her crohns. But she also fights for her children and for her relationship. For her home and for her safety.
I am not sure if I am like Elizabeth, Joan of Ark or Mary Queen of Scots. They were all women who took on men's parts. Sometimes surrounded by all these boys that is how I feel I must be. Sometimes when I am weak with emotions, with missing my family, with working, with school I imagine I am like these woman. Armored and ready for battle. Fighting the injustice men serve us by assuming we are weak because we are women. Fighting the injustice of being born a girl and poor meaning I have to work twice as hard to get half as far. Getting into UMF wouldn't be a big achievement for some but for me and my family it was the end of being told we couldn't.
And then there is my grandmother, my Mimi. She is warrior queen. She is an Amazon. She has fought all of these wars and more and yet here she is to see her grandchildren safely through just as she did for her children. She is the matriarch and head of my family. A family of warriors.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Having "Poor" Values
In my SED class one day a student did a presentation on a book about being poor. The author of the book believed that people of the lower class have different values than the people of the upper and middle class. Probably true. She also believed that in order to help the students in the lower class succeed we need to teach them middle class values. Then the students giving the presentation handed out a chart listing values each class held. Some of the middle class values I agreed with and some I didn't. The last thing on the list was that the lower class believes love is conditional on whether or not you like someone and the middle class believes love to be conditional on achievement. I'm sorry I do not agree that love is conditional on achievement. I don't care if you eat dirt every night for dinner. I don't care if you make a million dollars or five. My love is not going to be based on what you have achieved in your life. I don't believe that love should be based on that no matter what class you are apart of. I agree we need to teach the poor kids that there are ways for them to overcome their status. That it isn't divine providence that they are poor. That they aren't fated to be poor forever. I agree that we need to teach them that yes hard work does help you go places. I know that as a poor kid it is hard to believe that. After all my dad works a steady job and he doesn't have money. I work hard at my job and I don't have money. My mom worked for awhile after my parent's divorce and she didn't have money no matter how hard she worked. But when you are a kid that hard work can pay off. I would like to show me as an example. I would like to look at them and say I come from a family that never had money. I lived in what this author describes as generation poverty. No one in my family ever dreamed of being middle class. And look at me. I am a teacher. A damn good one too. It isn't a lot of money but it more money than I ever dreamed of having as a kid. And I love my job. No one in my family dreamed of liking what they do for a living.
I was offended by the list. I did identify with a lot of of the lower class values and I am succeeding just fine with those values. It offends me to think that some stuck up white, middle class woman somewhere thinks her and her values are better than mine. To think that someone in this world thinks I shouldn't be where I am because I am different. I'm sorry to tell you this lady but you are severely misinformed. I am where I am today because I am different. Because I was stubborn and kept the values my mother instilled in me since birth. You can shove your bullshit up your ass.
I was offended by the list. I did identify with a lot of of the lower class values and I am succeeding just fine with those values. It offends me to think that some stuck up white, middle class woman somewhere thinks her and her values are better than mine. To think that someone in this world thinks I shouldn't be where I am because I am different. I'm sorry to tell you this lady but you are severely misinformed. I am where I am today because I am different. Because I was stubborn and kept the values my mother instilled in me since birth. You can shove your bullshit up your ass.
Sick Day
I know I haven't written on a week. But guess what?! I'm sick. I have a fever and a sore throat. Which means I have a ton of time today to catch up on posts that I have been meaning to write and haven't gotten to writing yet. So yeah, there will probably be about 3 or 4 today. I have been meaning to write. I have planning out what to write. I just haven't gotten around to writing it.
Here are a few things I have been meaning to write but haven't developed fully enough to make them into a complete post of their own.
--I have been dreaming of snow. It is always the same too. I dream that I wake up and it is still dark in my room so I look at the clock and it is 10 am. The sun should have been up a long time ago and it should be showing through my curtains some by now. But all the light is gray and the room is still dark despite the time of day. I climb out of bed and move the curtains aside to peer out and everything is white. Pure white. The buildings are covered in white powder inches and feet deep and the roads can no longer be made out under the white flakes. Even the air is white as the wind tosses and swirls big, delicately beautiful, pieces of frozen fluff all around. I cheer with excitement as I realize today is a snow day for sure. That is usually when I wake up, still half expecting the world outside my window to be white and pure.
--There is something about laying in bed at night with your arms around me that tells me more than anything you have said ever could. And when I say "I miss you" or "I will miss you" what I really mean to say is I still love you forever.
--The other day you asked me what it means when I smile and wink at you. I told you that if I told you it would ruin it. It would have ruined it then. It is something I have learned from my mom. It is how she used to tell us she loved us when she was too far away or there were too many people around. Even now I can see her face, her brown skin and black hair easily distinguishable among all the other faces in the crowd. It is the ending of a play and we have all come out to give our final bow. I search the faces for her and pick her out. She stands clapping and screaming more loudly than anyone else in the crowd and as I look at her she smiles and winks at me. That is how I knew my mother was proud of me. That was how I knew my mother loved me then maybe more than at any other time if it is even possible for a mother to love her child anymore than she already does. So what does it mean when I smile at you and wink? It means I love you. It means I am proud to call you mine.
--Sometimes all I want to hear you say is, "I want to see you" or "I need to see you".
--"I just spelled only wrong"
"Guess what I did?"
"You forgot to get a total."
"Yep."
"You have to call them back."
"Yep." It is at this point that we break into laughter.
"So I can't spell only and you can't remember to get a total."
"We suck at life so bad."
"I love you, Dani"
"I love you, too." It is more fun to laugh at yourself when you have a friend to do it with.
Here are a few things I have been meaning to write but haven't developed fully enough to make them into a complete post of their own.
--I have been dreaming of snow. It is always the same too. I dream that I wake up and it is still dark in my room so I look at the clock and it is 10 am. The sun should have been up a long time ago and it should be showing through my curtains some by now. But all the light is gray and the room is still dark despite the time of day. I climb out of bed and move the curtains aside to peer out and everything is white. Pure white. The buildings are covered in white powder inches and feet deep and the roads can no longer be made out under the white flakes. Even the air is white as the wind tosses and swirls big, delicately beautiful, pieces of frozen fluff all around. I cheer with excitement as I realize today is a snow day for sure. That is usually when I wake up, still half expecting the world outside my window to be white and pure.
--There is something about laying in bed at night with your arms around me that tells me more than anything you have said ever could. And when I say "I miss you" or "I will miss you" what I really mean to say is I still love you forever.
--The other day you asked me what it means when I smile and wink at you. I told you that if I told you it would ruin it. It would have ruined it then. It is something I have learned from my mom. It is how she used to tell us she loved us when she was too far away or there were too many people around. Even now I can see her face, her brown skin and black hair easily distinguishable among all the other faces in the crowd. It is the ending of a play and we have all come out to give our final bow. I search the faces for her and pick her out. She stands clapping and screaming more loudly than anyone else in the crowd and as I look at her she smiles and winks at me. That is how I knew my mother was proud of me. That was how I knew my mother loved me then maybe more than at any other time if it is even possible for a mother to love her child anymore than she already does. So what does it mean when I smile at you and wink? It means I love you. It means I am proud to call you mine.
--Sometimes all I want to hear you say is, "I want to see you" or "I need to see you".
--"I just spelled only wrong"
"Guess what I did?"
"You forgot to get a total."
"Yep."
"You have to call them back."
"Yep." It is at this point that we break into laughter.
"So I can't spell only and you can't remember to get a total."
"We suck at life so bad."
"I love you, Dani"
"I love you, too." It is more fun to laugh at yourself when you have a friend to do it with.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Dear Reader
I think about it sometimes. I imagine it in detail. I can almost feel my hands curling into fists. Alcoholics call it falling off the wagon. Not sure what to call this. It is more like breaking a habit. But even that just sounds like a name of a Linkin Park song. I imagine what it would be like to just let it happen. To let the anger, the guilt, the frustration, the sadness, the hurt overwhelm me and feel me up so much I need to scream. Scream and hit and throw things and maybe kick too. But the imagining doesn't stop there. I can imagine what the consequences would be. What would happen next. At first there would be nothing. No pain except the dull ache where my punches connected with something. It's numbness. Numbness and fatigue. Then the shame starts. The shame for what I have done. For how it felt to do it. Even for feeling so helpless that I didn't feel I had any other options. That is when the tears start. The sobbing and the agony in the pit of my stomach. Gut wrenching. Heart breaking. Only the pillow muffles it. Then sleep enters and I drift off with the salt still on my face. I wake the next morning to look for bruises and wonder for days which ones are natural and which ones were me.
Sometimes when I imagining, "falling off the wagon" I wonder who will find me. What lucky person will stumble on me laying on the floor, in the tub, on my bed, on the couch, broken, bruised and tear stained. I imagine it would feel good to let myself fall and to let someone find me. It would feel almost like revenge. "See? Here is what you make me do! This is how you make me feel." It is at times like that that I understand how people can cut their wrists, attempt suicide, when they know someone will find them and send them to the hospital long before they bleed out.
These feelings are selfish. They are greedy. And I push them back with the look of horror on his face. The questions of "Why? Why did you do this Dani? What made you feel like you had to?" It's those questions that stop me every time I raise my fist and every time it starts to feel like too much.
In the three years I have been with him I have only not stopped myself twice. Once in April. We had been dating for 4 months. And once last spring. I am at the point in my life now where it is easier to not. It was almost hard to return to it that spring. I know that whether he remains in my life or not it will soon be too hard.
Sometimes when I imagining, "falling off the wagon" I wonder who will find me. What lucky person will stumble on me laying on the floor, in the tub, on my bed, on the couch, broken, bruised and tear stained. I imagine it would feel good to let myself fall and to let someone find me. It would feel almost like revenge. "See? Here is what you make me do! This is how you make me feel." It is at times like that that I understand how people can cut their wrists, attempt suicide, when they know someone will find them and send them to the hospital long before they bleed out.
These feelings are selfish. They are greedy. And I push them back with the look of horror on his face. The questions of "Why? Why did you do this Dani? What made you feel like you had to?" It's those questions that stop me every time I raise my fist and every time it starts to feel like too much.
In the three years I have been with him I have only not stopped myself twice. Once in April. We had been dating for 4 months. And once last spring. I am at the point in my life now where it is easier to not. It was almost hard to return to it that spring. I know that whether he remains in my life or not it will soon be too hard.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Writing
Sometimes I wonder do I write because I like to,
Or because I have to?
Is it an uncontrollable urge that these words are just pulled out of me,
Or do I really get some kind of twisted enjoyment out of scrabbling around inside my head
Seeking a single word to make the sentence perfect
Carefully crafting and sculpting
Subtle images to draw a reader in
And silently expressing those things I can’t say out loud
Because I can’t speak
The words
They escape my tongue
And yet somehow they are captured by my pen
Its not easy
A singular word can
Make all the difference
Sometimes I have these thoughts
These feelings
These ideals
They swim around in my head as if in a kind of fog
And for some reason when I set my pen to the paper
The fog lifts a bit
But I don’t always write what I find beneath the fog
How can I?
A person can express themselves in words,
Yet why is it that sometimes I’m afraid of what my words mean?
I write them without knowing what they mean
Then I read them
And find they all say the same thing
They are my call for help
They are my silent screams
My endless wails for freedom
For escape from a life of fear
Fear of happiness
Fear of loss
Fear of the unknown
Fear of losing control over my life
Fear of giving up
And fear of fear
And not just that normal feeling of fear
But that fear where you know you are scared and you try to run away
To escape
But only manage to realize you’re more afraid than before
You were afraid
You didn’t take that risk that could have made all the difference
And you’re slowly losing control of your life
You’re drowning
You’re slipping
You scream
You cry out
But you have no voice
Its silenced by the fear in your throat
And you now know it’s over
You let the fear catch you
You did the safe thing
The comfortable thing
And you have lost it all and you know
Its over
Done
All your dreams are finished
You can never dream them again because you were afraid
Your attempt to escape fear has set your destiny in stone
Stone
that’s what fear really is
Its inevitable
I know it
I write for escape
For relief
For help
Why can’t anyone in this world stop the fear?
Please someone save me!!
Or because I have to?
Is it an uncontrollable urge that these words are just pulled out of me,
Or do I really get some kind of twisted enjoyment out of scrabbling around inside my head
Seeking a single word to make the sentence perfect
Carefully crafting and sculpting
Subtle images to draw a reader in
And silently expressing those things I can’t say out loud
Because I can’t speak
The words
They escape my tongue
And yet somehow they are captured by my pen
Its not easy
A singular word can
Make all the difference
Sometimes I have these thoughts
These feelings
These ideals
They swim around in my head as if in a kind of fog
And for some reason when I set my pen to the paper
The fog lifts a bit
But I don’t always write what I find beneath the fog
How can I?
A person can express themselves in words,
Yet why is it that sometimes I’m afraid of what my words mean?
I write them without knowing what they mean
Then I read them
And find they all say the same thing
They are my call for help
They are my silent screams
My endless wails for freedom
For escape from a life of fear
Fear of happiness
Fear of loss
Fear of the unknown
Fear of losing control over my life
Fear of giving up
And fear of fear
And not just that normal feeling of fear
But that fear where you know you are scared and you try to run away
To escape
But only manage to realize you’re more afraid than before
You were afraid
You didn’t take that risk that could have made all the difference
And you’re slowly losing control of your life
You’re drowning
You’re slipping
You scream
You cry out
But you have no voice
Its silenced by the fear in your throat
And you now know it’s over
You let the fear catch you
You did the safe thing
The comfortable thing
And you have lost it all and you know
Its over
Done
All your dreams are finished
You can never dream them again because you were afraid
Your attempt to escape fear has set your destiny in stone
Stone
that’s what fear really is
Its inevitable
I know it
I write for escape
For relief
For help
Why can’t anyone in this world stop the fear?
Please someone save me!!
A Friend Request
He tried to contact me. He sent me a friend request on facebook. I wasn't sure how to react. The longer I spend in Farmington the safer I feel. The longer I go without hearing from him the safer I feel. That scares me. Fear is what has kept me running from him, kept me safe from him. It has driven me to be careful with information about myself and my relationships. It has made me pick my friends more carefully. It has kept me away from places where I know he will be. Fear has kept me out of danger and out of harm. I am losing that fear. In many ways that is good. I shouldn't have to live with that fear everyday. I did that for a while and it is hard. You jump at your own shadow. Then it was a more healthy fear. A fear that only manifested itself when he was near. Now that he is not near ever there is not as much fear.
I denied his friend request. I know I must try to protect myself even if my fear is not as great as it once was. He is the person who is most dangerous to me. I wait to see if he will send me a facebook message. A part of me expects it.
Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I miss talking about books that we had both read and sharing books with the other that they hadn't read. I sometimes miss bus rides that always felt too short and hands that were big enough to hold both of mine in his one. I sometimes wish for that intensity even though that was what scared me the most. I miss notes folded into squares, little bits of poetry shared.
Sometimes I wonder what I am so afraid of. Perhaps it is that he hates me. That he blames me for everything that happened to him. Sometimes I think he should. I abandoned him when he needed me. He was hurting and I tried to help him. He was my best friend. But when he hurt me like he was hurting I stopped trying to help him. What is wrong with me? So what if his friendship was toxic at that point. He was my best friend. He needed me. He begged me to be there. To love him. To care for him. And I did but I let him think I didn't because I thought a clean break would be better for me and for him. I pushed him so far that he didn't know how to cope with all the shit in his life anymore. He should hate me for letting him down. For not talking to him and holding his hand when he needed me to. For not letting him hurt me when he needed someone to hurt with him. I must be the worse friend ever. Instead of being there for him I relied on others to do that for me. Other people who did not care for him like I did. Other people who loved me and did it out of love for me. Other people who knew that I needed someone to get him better, keep him safe and keep me safe.
I owe him something, don't I? I owe him the ability to tell me he hates me after all of this time. Instead I have continued to shut him out. To think of my health and safety first.
I would rather die than go through the hell he put me through again.
That is why I rejected his friend request. But maybe I should have been willing to go through more for him. Maybe I should have died. Maybe I should have let him continue to slowly kill parts of me.
I denied his friend request. I know I must try to protect myself even if my fear is not as great as it once was. He is the person who is most dangerous to me. I wait to see if he will send me a facebook message. A part of me expects it.
Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I miss talking about books that we had both read and sharing books with the other that they hadn't read. I sometimes miss bus rides that always felt too short and hands that were big enough to hold both of mine in his one. I sometimes wish for that intensity even though that was what scared me the most. I miss notes folded into squares, little bits of poetry shared.
Sometimes I wonder what I am so afraid of. Perhaps it is that he hates me. That he blames me for everything that happened to him. Sometimes I think he should. I abandoned him when he needed me. He was hurting and I tried to help him. He was my best friend. But when he hurt me like he was hurting I stopped trying to help him. What is wrong with me? So what if his friendship was toxic at that point. He was my best friend. He needed me. He begged me to be there. To love him. To care for him. And I did but I let him think I didn't because I thought a clean break would be better for me and for him. I pushed him so far that he didn't know how to cope with all the shit in his life anymore. He should hate me for letting him down. For not talking to him and holding his hand when he needed me to. For not letting him hurt me when he needed someone to hurt with him. I must be the worse friend ever. Instead of being there for him I relied on others to do that for me. Other people who did not care for him like I did. Other people who loved me and did it out of love for me. Other people who knew that I needed someone to get him better, keep him safe and keep me safe.
I owe him something, don't I? I owe him the ability to tell me he hates me after all of this time. Instead I have continued to shut him out. To think of my health and safety first.
I would rather die than go through the hell he put me through again.
That is why I rejected his friend request. But maybe I should have been willing to go through more for him. Maybe I should have died. Maybe I should have let him continue to slowly kill parts of me.
When is it Enough?
I am friends with this couple. I met them freshman year of high school and the three of us got very close. This couple had been dating since 7th grade. They continued to date off and on until the end of her second year of college. That is 7 years. During that seven years they broke up, I believe, 4 times. He broke up with her. He sometimes saw other people while they were apart. Often while they were apart life was not good for him or for her. He broke her heart at least 4 times. I was there and I saw it. But after each break she took him back. She wanted him back. She continued to love him unconditionally despite having been with other girls, despite having broken her heart.
There is this boy and I love him very much. But he has broken my heart twice now. The last time I let a boy break my heart more than once it did not turn out well for me.
The reason I tell you all of this is because I have a question. When is enough, enough? When do we say no more? At what point has a person broken your heart too many times for you to forgive them?
There is this boy and I love him very much. But he has broken my heart twice now. The last time I let a boy break my heart more than once it did not turn out well for me.
The reason I tell you all of this is because I have a question. When is enough, enough? When do we say no more? At what point has a person broken your heart too many times for you to forgive them?
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tired, Annoyed and Bitchy
Yesterday was Mom's birthday so I drove to her house to hang out before work. I think she knew I was coming since I didn't call her to wish her a happy birthday but rather just drove over there in an attempt to surprise her. Mom is great. She has big ibuprofens and a comfy couch and a warm house. I miss not having to wear my sweatshirt inside all the time. I'm always cold in my apartment. Stupid roommates with their not wanting heat. I'm sitting in the Ed center lobby again. Not sure why I am here. I hurt really bad today but instead of skipping my SED class, which is optional, I am going. Mostly because I want to get my stuff back so I can make sure I have all the points I think I do. I am going to skip my English class today and while I'm not there I am going to do some writing for my group project I think. Then I am taking Garret into town to get some food. Then I am having food at Lindsey's tonight. She was going to make a Thanksgiving dinner but her roommate is sick. So because she is sick Lindsey decided to tell Ted and Andrew not to come and do the Thanksgiving dinner another night. Instead we are having pancakes, eggs and bacon tonight. It will be good and fun. Then I can do homework and go to bed.
Tomorrow sounds like it is going to be a long day. I am going to mom's again before work to show Nick all the work I did last semester. Then after work I think I am going to the midnight showing of New Moon with Ember, and maybe Amanda and Shana too. I am really hoping that when I get home tomorrow night at 3 am my roommates will be gone and Garret and I will be alone in the apartment. I don't know though. I have no idea when they are planning to leave. So tired and annoyed and bitchy today.
Tomorrow sounds like it is going to be a long day. I am going to mom's again before work to show Nick all the work I did last semester. Then after work I think I am going to the midnight showing of New Moon with Ember, and maybe Amanda and Shana too. I am really hoping that when I get home tomorrow night at 3 am my roommates will be gone and Garret and I will be alone in the apartment. I don't know though. I have no idea when they are planning to leave. So tired and annoyed and bitchy today.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Four Posts in One Sitting
I am busy today. This is my 4th post. I have been thinking and mulling over these posts for a few days now and I now have the time, the energy and the inspiration to write them. I like that about writing. You can mull things over in your head forever and until you finally put it on paper you don't realize how much you were thinking about or how much you need to put it all down. Put your thoughts into words. I just keep writing. And writing. And writing.
Today has been a slow day. I only have one class and it is from 3:45 to 5:15. Work has called me twice today but I have ignored both calls. I am not going into work tonight. I can't. I have class and homework and writing to do. I finished the homework for today and for tomorrow. Debating whether I should start on the stuff for Wednesday. I probably will later after class while Garret is at SI. I won't have anything else to do and it will be good to be ahead since I have to work Tuesday and it is Mom's birthday that day. I hope this week is a good week. I get the feeling it is going to be very busy. Especially since I am working a lot this week and next week is the week of Thanksgiving. I have a lot of stuff due right before Thanksgiving. I guess the four posts are an attempt to make up for not writing since Thursday and hopefully to hold everyone over until I can write again. I will be busy.
Today has been a slow day. I only have one class and it is from 3:45 to 5:15. Work has called me twice today but I have ignored both calls. I am not going into work tonight. I can't. I have class and homework and writing to do. I finished the homework for today and for tomorrow. Debating whether I should start on the stuff for Wednesday. I probably will later after class while Garret is at SI. I won't have anything else to do and it will be good to be ahead since I have to work Tuesday and it is Mom's birthday that day. I hope this week is a good week. I get the feeling it is going to be very busy. Especially since I am working a lot this week and next week is the week of Thanksgiving. I have a lot of stuff due right before Thanksgiving. I guess the four posts are an attempt to make up for not writing since Thursday and hopefully to hold everyone over until I can write again. I will be busy.
A Sample List of Grievances
I know you feel that you have not been rude or disrespectful to me. Here is a list of the things that are rude and disrespectful.
It is rude and disrespectful to wave your hands dismissively and roll your eyes when I make a comment that you do not agree with.
It is rude and disrespectful to have your computer open while I am trying to have a serious conversation with you and everyone else in the apartment.
It is rude and disrespectful to have sex loud enough that it can be heard over loudly playing music while your roommates are home.
It is rude and disrespectful to not respond to someone when they are speaking to you. I don't care if your headphones are in or not. I didn't even do this when I was ignoring you. If you spoke to me I responded. You just didn't speak to me.
It is rude and disrespectful to think that the other person should always be the one to start the conversation. When have you ever said "Hi, how was your day?" to me?
It is rude and disrespectful to talk about someone in a low voice while they are in the other room.
It is rude and disrespectful to put labels on your food without first talking to the other people living with you. It makes me feel like you do not trust me to not eat your food even though I have done nothing to show you I can not be trusted to not eat your food. It is rude and disrespectful to hurt someone's feelings in that way.
It is rude and disrespectful to break an agreement, like the agreement we had that we would both try to talk to each other.
It is rude and disrespectful to not apologize when you have hurt someone's feelings and you know you have. You could have apologized for being rude and disrespectful to me when I told you that was why I was ignoring you.
It is rude and disrespectful to back talk to someone who is making a very simple request of you. How hard is it to approach me instead of Garret when you have an issue with me? The way you responded to that request, call it whatever you want, was rude and disrespectful.
It is rude and disrespectful to expect me to push my feelings under the rug and forget about them so that you can feel better.
It is rude and disrespectful to dismiss my feelings by giving excuses. I told you I was waiting for you. I expected you to apologize for making me wait for you whether you knew I was waiting for you or not that is the decent thing to do. It is rude to keep someone waiting for you.
It is rude and disrespectful to make faces at and roll your eyes at my friends when I am standing right there. I don't care that you don't like them, I do. By not at least hiding your disdain when you are around me your disrespecting me by showing contempt for the company I keep.
It is rude and disrespectful to not take care of my things when I am allowing you the use of them. How hard is it to wash and put them away after you use them? I don't want them left in the sink. It shows disrespect of me when you leave them in the sink.
It is rude and disrespectful to say that you are not a rude or disrespectful person when there must be some reason why I feel this way or I would not be saying it.
All of these things make me think that you think you are better than me in some way. Why else would you feel it is ok to treat me with so much disrespect? I am a loving, compassionate, kind, generous, happy, silly, friendly, respectful, intelligent and passionate person. I am wonderful. So why do you treat me like less than that?
It is rude and disrespectful to wave your hands dismissively and roll your eyes when I make a comment that you do not agree with.
It is rude and disrespectful to have your computer open while I am trying to have a serious conversation with you and everyone else in the apartment.
It is rude and disrespectful to have sex loud enough that it can be heard over loudly playing music while your roommates are home.
It is rude and disrespectful to not respond to someone when they are speaking to you. I don't care if your headphones are in or not. I didn't even do this when I was ignoring you. If you spoke to me I responded. You just didn't speak to me.
It is rude and disrespectful to think that the other person should always be the one to start the conversation. When have you ever said "Hi, how was your day?" to me?
It is rude and disrespectful to talk about someone in a low voice while they are in the other room.
It is rude and disrespectful to put labels on your food without first talking to the other people living with you. It makes me feel like you do not trust me to not eat your food even though I have done nothing to show you I can not be trusted to not eat your food. It is rude and disrespectful to hurt someone's feelings in that way.
It is rude and disrespectful to break an agreement, like the agreement we had that we would both try to talk to each other.
It is rude and disrespectful to not apologize when you have hurt someone's feelings and you know you have. You could have apologized for being rude and disrespectful to me when I told you that was why I was ignoring you.
It is rude and disrespectful to back talk to someone who is making a very simple request of you. How hard is it to approach me instead of Garret when you have an issue with me? The way you responded to that request, call it whatever you want, was rude and disrespectful.
It is rude and disrespectful to expect me to push my feelings under the rug and forget about them so that you can feel better.
It is rude and disrespectful to dismiss my feelings by giving excuses. I told you I was waiting for you. I expected you to apologize for making me wait for you whether you knew I was waiting for you or not that is the decent thing to do. It is rude to keep someone waiting for you.
It is rude and disrespectful to make faces at and roll your eyes at my friends when I am standing right there. I don't care that you don't like them, I do. By not at least hiding your disdain when you are around me your disrespecting me by showing contempt for the company I keep.
It is rude and disrespectful to not take care of my things when I am allowing you the use of them. How hard is it to wash and put them away after you use them? I don't want them left in the sink. It shows disrespect of me when you leave them in the sink.
It is rude and disrespectful to say that you are not a rude or disrespectful person when there must be some reason why I feel this way or I would not be saying it.
All of these things make me think that you think you are better than me in some way. Why else would you feel it is ok to treat me with so much disrespect? I am a loving, compassionate, kind, generous, happy, silly, friendly, respectful, intelligent and passionate person. I am wonderful. So why do you treat me like less than that?
Another Unsent Letter
Dear Garret,
I'm sorry. I owe you an apology too. I have also subjected you to a tense situation and you also don't deserve that. You have done nothing but love me and be there for me no matter what. I tried to be her friend for you more than for anyone else. You two seemed like you were becoming close friends and I did not want to take a friend away from you. I wanted to be her friend too. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way. My own respect for myself is more important to me than her friendship and I would have no respect for myself anymore if I continued to allow her to make me feel like shit. To make me feel like I am less than human. There are some days that when she speaks to me I feel like disappearing off the face of the Earth. It is against every fiber of my being to allow her to continue making me feel that way. I let her for a very long time. But I hate who I am when I let her do that to me. Please, forgive me when I complain about her. I just want some justice. I want her to know that she does me wrong and I want her to apologize. Instead I feel like she is making herself into the victim and I am the one committing all the crimes against her. I just want you to not see me in that way. I fear that you will hate me for this. Please, forgive me for that fear because I know it has no grounds to stand on. Please, forgive me for complaining to you when I know it does no good. Please, forgive me for ruining many evenings together by talking about the situation. Please, don't stop loving me.
Love,
Dani
I'm sorry. I owe you an apology too. I have also subjected you to a tense situation and you also don't deserve that. You have done nothing but love me and be there for me no matter what. I tried to be her friend for you more than for anyone else. You two seemed like you were becoming close friends and I did not want to take a friend away from you. I wanted to be her friend too. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way. My own respect for myself is more important to me than her friendship and I would have no respect for myself anymore if I continued to allow her to make me feel like shit. To make me feel like I am less than human. There are some days that when she speaks to me I feel like disappearing off the face of the Earth. It is against every fiber of my being to allow her to continue making me feel that way. I let her for a very long time. But I hate who I am when I let her do that to me. Please, forgive me when I complain about her. I just want some justice. I want her to know that she does me wrong and I want her to apologize. Instead I feel like she is making herself into the victim and I am the one committing all the crimes against her. I just want you to not see me in that way. I fear that you will hate me for this. Please, forgive me for that fear because I know it has no grounds to stand on. Please, forgive me for complaining to you when I know it does no good. Please, forgive me for ruining many evenings together by talking about the situation. Please, don't stop loving me.
Love,
Dani
A Letter of Apology Not Given
Dear Tim,
I'm sorry for everything the conflict between Aimee and me has put you through. I know it must be tough living in such a tense environment. I hope you know that I really did try to be her friend and for a while I was able to. But I realized that in doing so I was compromising a part of me that I really like. I don't take shit from anybody. I was laying down and taking her shit. I was letting her make me feel like I was less than her. Like I was not worth the dirt she walked on. I have never let someone make me feel so worthless in my entire life and I realized that I am not about to start now. I really wanted to be her friend if only because you, Lefty, Kristy and Garret seemed to respect her so much and because all that respect means something to me. But I don't feel like my worth as an individual is being respected by her and it has already affected my view of my own self-worth. What it would cost for me to continue being her friend is not worth it to me. Please, forgive me this? Please, do not judge me for this. You have been a good friend in the past and I would like to keep being friends.
Sincerely,
Dani
I'm sorry for everything the conflict between Aimee and me has put you through. I know it must be tough living in such a tense environment. I hope you know that I really did try to be her friend and for a while I was able to. But I realized that in doing so I was compromising a part of me that I really like. I don't take shit from anybody. I was laying down and taking her shit. I was letting her make me feel like I was less than her. Like I was not worth the dirt she walked on. I have never let someone make me feel so worthless in my entire life and I realized that I am not about to start now. I really wanted to be her friend if only because you, Lefty, Kristy and Garret seemed to respect her so much and because all that respect means something to me. But I don't feel like my worth as an individual is being respected by her and it has already affected my view of my own self-worth. What it would cost for me to continue being her friend is not worth it to me. Please, forgive me this? Please, do not judge me for this. You have been a good friend in the past and I would like to keep being friends.
Sincerely,
Dani
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Today Was a Good Day
Today has been a pretty good day overall. I had my two early morning classes which I really did not want to get up for but hauled myself out of bed for anyway. Then after classes I walked home with Garret and had a sandwich for lunch. Then I carted myself over to the library to do homework and watch Glee on Hulu until Garret got done with classes. Then it was supper time and a short trip to Walmart. Next we are going to the movies. I have had a good day. It has been nice to hang out and relax and do some work and not overexert myself. It has also been nice to hang out with Garret. I'm excited to go to the movies. I haven't been in a while. Not sure what the last movie I saw was. We are going to see Vampires Assistant. It looks like it might be good. I hope it isn't bad.
Letter I Sent This Morning
We had an agreement. The deal was we were going to try and talk to each other. Even if it was just a simple "Hi, How are you?" and I was a very good girl and I did just that. However, all I received in return was one word answers. You also never said Hi to me or asked how I am. It is because of this that I feel you have failed on your end of our agreement. I will therefore be living in my room for the rest of the year.
Have a nice day.
Reaction?
None
Have a nice day.
Reaction?
None
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Head and Heart
Wednesday is finally here. That means the week is halfway over and that tonight is my turn to make dinner for Lindsey and me. We are having spaghetti and meatballs. Yum! I let her pick from boiled dinner, scrambled hamburger and gravy, and spaghetti and meatballs. Obviously you know what she picked. I always look forward to Wednesdays. They are fun, they break up the week and they give me a chance to have a real good meal. I have been thinking about going to the fitness center and weighing myself. The scale in the bathroom has been saying for weeks that I weigh around 149 now which is roughly 11 pounds lighter than over the summer where I was up around 160. The last two times I weighed myself it has said I weigh 151 and 154. Not very reliable. I have been eating more junk recently but not enough to make me gain that much. I am 1 week from my period so it could be water weight but I doubt it. I am rather curious though to see if I have lost weight cause my boss has said the last few times I have seen him that I look thinner. Compliment or honesty?
I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Garret told me that my roommate only has one thing to turn in that week and that she can email. That means that she could leave Thursday night or Friday morning(she has no classes Friday)and be gone all weekend and then the entire week of Thanksgiving. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up but obviously that is what I am hoping for. That much time in the apartment alone with Garret sounds pretty freaking amazing to me. I am in the ed center and I guess she must have a class here cause I just saw her leave. I wonder how it makes her feel to know that I would rather hang out in the ed center for an hour than risk running into her at the apartment. I wonder if she even knows that is what I am doing.
As of yesterday I have all of my homework up till Thursday done. I tried to get the Friday stuff done but I got distracted(Garret, I love you). So maybe I can get it done tonight so I can get started on next weeks stuff since I am actually scheduled to work during the week next week. It feels really good to be so far ahead. It makes me feel like I have time to relax and have fun for a change. Maybe I even have time to pick up another hobby. A game I can play when I am bored or a book to read for my own enjoyment. I haven't read a book or fun since this summer. As much reading as I have been doing has steered me away from doing more reading, even for pleasure but maybe I should. Or maybe I could do more writing. I have often wanted to start a story. I haven't worked on a story for a long time. I have had a hard enough time with poetry that prose seemed particularly daunting. Especially since poetry is usually easier for me to write. Something about the format that makes it easy for me to get down on paper what is going on in my head and heart at that moment. My head and heart are just too confused.
I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Garret told me that my roommate only has one thing to turn in that week and that she can email. That means that she could leave Thursday night or Friday morning(she has no classes Friday)and be gone all weekend and then the entire week of Thanksgiving. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up but obviously that is what I am hoping for. That much time in the apartment alone with Garret sounds pretty freaking amazing to me. I am in the ed center and I guess she must have a class here cause I just saw her leave. I wonder how it makes her feel to know that I would rather hang out in the ed center for an hour than risk running into her at the apartment. I wonder if she even knows that is what I am doing.
As of yesterday I have all of my homework up till Thursday done. I tried to get the Friday stuff done but I got distracted(Garret, I love you). So maybe I can get it done tonight so I can get started on next weeks stuff since I am actually scheduled to work during the week next week. It feels really good to be so far ahead. It makes me feel like I have time to relax and have fun for a change. Maybe I even have time to pick up another hobby. A game I can play when I am bored or a book to read for my own enjoyment. I haven't read a book or fun since this summer. As much reading as I have been doing has steered me away from doing more reading, even for pleasure but maybe I should. Or maybe I could do more writing. I have often wanted to start a story. I haven't worked on a story for a long time. I have had a hard enough time with poetry that prose seemed particularly daunting. Especially since poetry is usually easier for me to write. Something about the format that makes it easy for me to get down on paper what is going on in my head and heart at that moment. My head and heart are just too confused.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Enjoyable Activities
Today is going to be a busy day. I don't have a lot of homework. In fact all of the work that is due tomorrow is done. The only homework I have is for Thursday and for Friday. I have other more mundane things to do. I have grocery shopping to do and meatballs to cook. I have a large blanket to wash and a bedroom that could use some cleaning. There is never a lack of things to do at home. I just wish they were more fun. I enjoy cleaning sometimes. When I am frustrated or angry it makes me feel better to let it out in that way. I love cooking but only for people who will really appreciate it. I look forward to my turn to cook for Lindsey every other week. I have fun scheming and trying to think up something that is delicious and still something she might like. I know some of the stuff I like might not be what she would like. Like the corn chowder I just ate. Although she is a very open person and so far she seems to like most everything.
Cooking is fun. I like that I can combine these ingredients and create something different and very yummy. I like watching people's faces as they enjoy it. And of course the sounds of contentment are nice too. I like friends and good conversations. I like games of Uno, Spit and Scrabble played while watching movies. I like movies all by themselves. Especially going to the movie theater.
Cooking is fun. I like that I can combine these ingredients and create something different and very yummy. I like watching people's faces as they enjoy it. And of course the sounds of contentment are nice too. I like friends and good conversations. I like games of Uno, Spit and Scrabble played while watching movies. I like movies all by themselves. Especially going to the movie theater.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Safe Space
I have reached a new low in my life. I am tried of being the only one to be putting any work into my relationship with my roommate so I am trying to disappear. I have decided that when she is here I will be in my room and will remain there with the door shut until she leaves or goes to bed. If I don't want to be here in my room with door shut while she is here I will try to leave before she gets here so I can be gone the entire time she is here. Which is why I am in my room waiting for her to leave so I can go to the bathroom. Just walking past her makes me shake. I have never wished so hard before to be invisible. If I was invisible I wouldn't have any problems with her. She wouldn't know if I was ignoring her or not. She wouldn't be able to hurt my feelings. I could live my life here and she wouldn't even know I existed. I wish I could disappear right now. I wish she could disappear right now. I heard her scolding the cat for eating her plant. I love that cat so much today. Thank you kitten for being you. I should just move out. I keep telling myself it is just another 6 months. That I can do it. I keep telling myself that Thanksgiving is coming soon and that will be at least 5 days of not dealing with her. 5 days that I can relax. I feel more comfortable in the ed center or in the library surrounded by strangers than I feel in my own home with her in the next room.
I know you are all sick of hearing this. Of hearing how irritated, mad and frightened I am of this barely 100 pound girl. She makes me feel inferior and the only way I know to get my power back is to put her in the hospital. It is hard to repress the rage I have. I have let her make me feel this way for too long just because my friends respect her. It is my fault I am in this situation now. I should have told her no, told her she most certainly could not live with us.
I try really hard to not make every blog entry about her and about my feelings. I'm sorry that I keep coming back to it. Reexamining it. Reasserting it. I wish it would go away. I try really hard to not write about things here. I try to skirt around the subject a lot despite everything. I know I need to stop writing about this. I need to stop talking about this. I need to keep these things to myself. I have a hard time keeping it bottled up now. I have kept it bottled too long. I need to stop thinking about this. I need to accept the fact that this isn't going away and find someway to cope for the next 6 months. I need to find some safe space in my head or in my heart where I can live and where nothing she does or says can hurt me.
Maybe I can live in this room.
I know you are all sick of hearing this. Of hearing how irritated, mad and frightened I am of this barely 100 pound girl. She makes me feel inferior and the only way I know to get my power back is to put her in the hospital. It is hard to repress the rage I have. I have let her make me feel this way for too long just because my friends respect her. It is my fault I am in this situation now. I should have told her no, told her she most certainly could not live with us.
I try really hard to not make every blog entry about her and about my feelings. I'm sorry that I keep coming back to it. Reexamining it. Reasserting it. I wish it would go away. I try really hard to not write about things here. I try to skirt around the subject a lot despite everything. I know I need to stop writing about this. I need to stop talking about this. I need to keep these things to myself. I have a hard time keeping it bottled up now. I have kept it bottled too long. I need to stop thinking about this. I need to accept the fact that this isn't going away and find someway to cope for the next 6 months. I need to find some safe space in my head or in my heart where I can live and where nothing she does or says can hurt me.
Maybe I can live in this room.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Coming Home
I worked all day today like I do every Sunday. I'm very tired. I'm kind of wishing I could do what my cat is doing right now and just spread out on the bed and go to sleep. I'm not sure I am ready for it to be tomorrow yet though. I like the quiet time with Garret. It is so nice for it to just be the two of us. I'd like to just block the whole world out. It is so time for a place that is just ours. I'm not sure what I was thinking before. Only about 6 more months now. Yay. I can do that. Halfway done.
Not much happened today so there isn't much to post. I got up, went to work, after work I saw my mom and brother and step-dad, then I picked up Garret, we got supper, went home, put stuff away and got unpacked. Now I am just hanging out and relaxing. Waiting to get in the shower. I'm not really sure I even care to take one. I'm cold and tired. I should though. I smell like sweat and Staples and probably a little like smoke from being at mom's. Mom's so warm compared to the car and to my apartment. I wonder if the heat has been turned down while I have been away.
I'm always nervous about returning to the apartment after being away. Not sure why. I want to be home but it isn't always very restful when I am home. I don't always feel at ease. I feel better when Garret is here or when I am alone. But that can't happen all the time. I have been keeping my door closed a lot. I like having my own space.
Ok, shower and bed. That is enough of this tonight.
Not much happened today so there isn't much to post. I got up, went to work, after work I saw my mom and brother and step-dad, then I picked up Garret, we got supper, went home, put stuff away and got unpacked. Now I am just hanging out and relaxing. Waiting to get in the shower. I'm not really sure I even care to take one. I'm cold and tired. I should though. I smell like sweat and Staples and probably a little like smoke from being at mom's. Mom's so warm compared to the car and to my apartment. I wonder if the heat has been turned down while I have been away.
I'm always nervous about returning to the apartment after being away. Not sure why. I want to be home but it isn't always very restful when I am home. I don't always feel at ease. I feel better when Garret is here or when I am alone. But that can't happen all the time. I have been keeping my door closed a lot. I like having my own space.
Ok, shower and bed. That is enough of this tonight.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Ahead for the First Time
It is Saturday night and I just finished writing an essay for Monday. Usually I am so far behind on homework that by the time Saturday roles around I am just starting the reading that I need to do in order to do the essay that is due on Monday. I was able to read so much yesterday that I actually finished the book. Meaning that I won't have any reading for my American texts English class due Wednesday. It feels pretty good to be a little bit ahead. Maybe I will try to stay that far ahead. It would be rather nice. It is back to work for me. I haven't been to work since last Sunday. It has been a much easier week than usual.
Garret just finished his paper too and we agreed to play Uno when we were both done. I'm going to go do that now. More later I am sure.
Garret just finished his paper too and we agreed to play Uno when we were both done. I'm going to go do that now. More later I am sure.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Hopeful for the Weekend
It's Friday and I know that I have been slacking technically since I didn't write a blog entry yesterday. But I am here today and I am writing. I have had a pretty good day thus far. The roommates are both gone for the weekend so it is just Garret and me again which is nice. I am also not working until Sunday which is nice too. It gives me time to get work done and to relax with my boy. The weekend I didn't get last weekend. Yay! We are making a pretty sweet meal tonight. We're having scallops, fish sticks, fries and he is having rice as well. I also had a very good class today. We did some role playing where we tried conferences with parents, teachers and students. I have to say I was very good at it. My professor even walked by and said that I had them wrapped right around my little finger and that I should be a psyche major or something. I felt pretty proud of myself. I think I am usually really good with people. Maybe that is why I do so well at the customer service desk at Staples. I think the one slightly disappointing spot of my day is I am missing one of my Anne of Green Gables movies. My grandmother and I love those movies and the third one, the only one I have on DVD is missing. I know it has to be around somewhere cause I watched it in my room one day but I still can't find it and I have no idea where it is. It is driving me crazy cause it means something to me. Garret came home to find me tearing the apartment apart trying to find it and getting more and more frustrated. Hopefully it will turn up soon.
I am excited for the weekend ahead it will be nice to have a couple of days to relax a little. It will be quiet too. It has been really quiet without Tim here this week. Probably because he is one of the few people everyone talks to and because he plays music or has a movie on all the time. I am kind of enjoying the quiet for a change. I'm sure I will need noise eventually and will put a movie in or something.
I'm going to go start supper now.
I am excited for the weekend ahead it will be nice to have a couple of days to relax a little. It will be quiet too. It has been really quiet without Tim here this week. Probably because he is one of the few people everyone talks to and because he plays music or has a movie on all the time. I am kind of enjoying the quiet for a change. I'm sure I will need noise eventually and will put a movie in or something.
I'm going to go start supper now.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Heart Breaking News
I am so heartbroken right now by the amount of closed mindedness that exists in Maine. The results of the election are in and people across my home state have denied their fellow men and women their rights. I never would have guessed in a million years that the people living in my state could do that to someone, anyone. We entered the union a free state during the time of slavery. I can't believe that a state like mine, a historically free, accepting state could turn its back on the gay community. It isn't like they were asking for much. Just the right to marry. Just the right to love anyway they want to. Just the right to the pursuit of happiness, that right the founding father's gave us when they wrote our constitution. I must wonder if they knew we would be arguing over that right in the distant future. We ended slavery hundreds of years ago. We have been working to put an end to discrimination and injustice ever since then. There is nothing right about today. There is nothing right about ignorance and closed mindedness.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
This One Is For You, Uncle Robin
Today was the big day here in Maine. Today is voting day. It wasn't a big election of course but the issues on the ballot are very important to many Mainer's and tensions have been high for a long time, especially around question 1. The question asked if voters wanted to appeal the recent law that allows same sex couples to marry in the state of Maine and allow religious groups to refuse to perform a marriage between a same-sex couples. My family and I of course voted No. We are strong proponents of the idea that marriage is about the pursuit of happiness, a right that our founding father's spelled out in the constitution as being unalienable to humans. Not to mention a close relative who was gay.
Growing up I had this wonderful uncle, Uncle Robin. He has been a big influence on my life. He grew up in a home that was very much against differences of any kind. My Grammy Johnson despite being a really good grandmother to me was not one to believe in tolerance. My mother says she used to wish she could date a black man and take him home with her just because she knew how much it would irritate my grandmother. Despite my grandmother though my Uncle knew from a very young age that he liked men. And despite everything else he found acceptance. My mom didn't care that he was gay, he was her brother and they were very close. They grew up together, played together, laughed together. His sexual preference meant nothing. Maybe that is why he fell so in love with me as a child.
My Uncle hated children, just hated them. He was never upset by the fact that he couldn't have kids cause he didn't like them. But then I was born. My mom describes a scene to me where my Uncle was out watering my grandmother's flowers and I wanted him to use my little tiny, tiny green watering can to do it. Now, most adults who hate children would have refused outright or they would have found some way to get around having to do that. Not my Uncle Robin. He took the little watering can and spent all day watering those flowers with it, with me trailing along behind him. He never complained about it either.
Unfortunately, I only got a short time with him. The beautiful, funny, comfortable with himself man that was my Uncle got AIDS and died. I was very young at the time. But I can still remember going to the hospital to see him and being frightened. I didn't understand what could possible have happened to the man I knew.
Today at the polls, as I stood in front of the ballot all those memories of tiny watering cans, of my Uncle's humor, the little fragments of his voice I remember and the image of him in the hospital came back to me. I filled the ballot out with tears starting in my eyes because all I could think about was how proud of me he would be and of how much he deserved the right to be married while he was alive.
I called my mom after I left. She agreed with me that he would be very proud of me and she said "You were the thing he loved best in the whole world." I hope that where ever he is now he got to see me voting. I hope he knows I was thinking of him. And that this one was done in his memory and out of love for him.
Growing up I had this wonderful uncle, Uncle Robin. He has been a big influence on my life. He grew up in a home that was very much against differences of any kind. My Grammy Johnson despite being a really good grandmother to me was not one to believe in tolerance. My mother says she used to wish she could date a black man and take him home with her just because she knew how much it would irritate my grandmother. Despite my grandmother though my Uncle knew from a very young age that he liked men. And despite everything else he found acceptance. My mom didn't care that he was gay, he was her brother and they were very close. They grew up together, played together, laughed together. His sexual preference meant nothing. Maybe that is why he fell so in love with me as a child.
My Uncle hated children, just hated them. He was never upset by the fact that he couldn't have kids cause he didn't like them. But then I was born. My mom describes a scene to me where my Uncle was out watering my grandmother's flowers and I wanted him to use my little tiny, tiny green watering can to do it. Now, most adults who hate children would have refused outright or they would have found some way to get around having to do that. Not my Uncle Robin. He took the little watering can and spent all day watering those flowers with it, with me trailing along behind him. He never complained about it either.
Unfortunately, I only got a short time with him. The beautiful, funny, comfortable with himself man that was my Uncle got AIDS and died. I was very young at the time. But I can still remember going to the hospital to see him and being frightened. I didn't understand what could possible have happened to the man I knew.
Today at the polls, as I stood in front of the ballot all those memories of tiny watering cans, of my Uncle's humor, the little fragments of his voice I remember and the image of him in the hospital came back to me. I filled the ballot out with tears starting in my eyes because all I could think about was how proud of me he would be and of how much he deserved the right to be married while he was alive.
I called my mom after I left. She agreed with me that he would be very proud of me and she said "You were the thing he loved best in the whole world." I hope that where ever he is now he got to see me voting. I hope he knows I was thinking of him. And that this one was done in his memory and out of love for him.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Busy Weekend and Stressful Homework
It is November. I am so happy I have made it this far in the year. Only a few months left to go and only a little over a month until the semester is over. I am determined to finish the semester strong. I am even more determined to have a good month and a half. There is nothing that should stop me from enjoying it. Nothing at all. I have been very stressed this weekend because what was originally supposed to be a relaxing weekend with Garret and my homework in an empty apartment turned into a very busy one. It all started Thursday when I went to mom's to hang out with Nick on his birthday. Then Friday I went to Bucksport to see Jamie's football game. Then I drove back Saturday to read two books and just about start from scratch on a project, all of which is due Monday. Exciting no? Luckily I was able to sort of read, sort of skim one book and I just finished the project. Now I have the rest of tonight and until 3:45 to do the rest of my reading for Monday. Whether or not I go to that class will probably depend on how much of the reading I get done. Lets hope a lot. I would rather skip on a Wednesday if I have to because those are busier especially since Lindsey and I have been taking turns cooking dinner every Wednesday. The good news is that despite the stress I have had a good weekend. Seeing my brothers was awesome despite being woken up so early. And I had an easier time with the project than I thought I might. College is like that. You tend to stress and stress but in the end it is easier than you thought it would be. But only if you really work at it. It can be hard to balance school, work, friends, boyfriend and family. I am never sure I am getting the right amount of any of it. I am glad I have been hanging out with Lindsey so much this semester. It has replaced a much needed friend time for me I think. It at least makes up for part of the whole of not having Mel and D&D in my life anymore. It isn't quite the same but it is good in its own way.
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