I have reached a new low in my life. I am tried of being the only one to be putting any work into my relationship with my roommate so I am trying to disappear. I have decided that when she is here I will be in my room and will remain there with the door shut until she leaves or goes to bed. If I don't want to be here in my room with door shut while she is here I will try to leave before she gets here so I can be gone the entire time she is here. Which is why I am in my room waiting for her to leave so I can go to the bathroom. Just walking past her makes me shake. I have never wished so hard before to be invisible. If I was invisible I wouldn't have any problems with her. She wouldn't know if I was ignoring her or not. She wouldn't be able to hurt my feelings. I could live my life here and she wouldn't even know I existed. I wish I could disappear right now. I wish she could disappear right now. I heard her scolding the cat for eating her plant. I love that cat so much today. Thank you kitten for being you. I should just move out. I keep telling myself it is just another 6 months. That I can do it. I keep telling myself that Thanksgiving is coming soon and that will be at least 5 days of not dealing with her. 5 days that I can relax. I feel more comfortable in the ed center or in the library surrounded by strangers than I feel in my own home with her in the next room.
I know you are all sick of hearing this. Of hearing how irritated, mad and frightened I am of this barely 100 pound girl. She makes me feel inferior and the only way I know to get my power back is to put her in the hospital. It is hard to repress the rage I have. I have let her make me feel this way for too long just because my friends respect her. It is my fault I am in this situation now. I should have told her no, told her she most certainly could not live with us.
I try really hard to not make every blog entry about her and about my feelings. I'm sorry that I keep coming back to it. Reexamining it. Reasserting it. I wish it would go away. I try really hard to not write about things here. I try to skirt around the subject a lot despite everything. I know I need to stop writing about this. I need to stop talking about this. I need to keep these things to myself. I have a hard time keeping it bottled up now. I have kept it bottled too long. I need to stop thinking about this. I need to accept the fact that this isn't going away and find someway to cope for the next 6 months. I need to find some safe space in my head or in my heart where I can live and where nothing she does or says can hurt me.
Maybe I can live in this room.
4 comments:
Don't you dare bottle it up. Vent all you want. I will read about your troubles and I will be there for you if you need another outlet. I don't blame you for hating her. I don't know everything that is going on, so you should fill me in. Then we can figure out a day that you and I can spend time together. Get you away from her at least for a day.
I love you and I hate seeing you under so much stress. <3
I was ignoring her and doing fine. Then she confronted me about ignoring her. And I told her about some of the issues I had with her that made me decide to ignore her. I told her she was rude, sarcastic and disrespectful to me and I was tired of it. I told her I would have approached her with my feelings but the last time I did she threw them back in my face so I decided to just not interact with her. She said she wasn't rude, sarcastic or disrespectful. When she asked for an example I gave her two and they were dismissed pretty much. So then I was told she and I should push it all under the rug and try to go back to talking. I said that would change nothing about how I was feeling, that it didn't fix anything. She of course started to cry and yelled about how I was using one night that was really hard for her because she had a panic attack and almost(almost) went to the hospital and because of that I was saying she was a bitch. I said if we were going to try talking again we should start slow. Like "Hi, How are you". I have been doing that but she hasn't. And when I try to turn that into a conversation she refuses to. So we had a deal and she isn't holding her end of it up. So instead of ignoring her or confronting her I am hiding in my room. If I confront her I'm just going to get hurt and if I ignore her she will confront me eventually and I will be made to look like the bad guy again for ignoring her.
Dear Merlin. She is such a manipulative little bitch. I hate her so much! I wish I could rescue you... <3
I kind of wish you could too. Thinking of sending her a letter saying you failed to hold up your end of the bargain and so now I am done with you.
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