Nothing Is Impossible

It has been almost a year. December 9, 2010. About ten more days. Wow. Things are definitely different for me now.

I spend my days at work, with friends or chilling out at home watching tv on the internet. No more homework, no more classes, no more Farmington or school. I'm a college graduate who blew her supervisors and mentors away with her performance during her student teaching. I still haven't found the job of my dreams but I'm looking and I'm getting closer every day.

I no longer worry that the man I love is going to move away from me and go to grad school somewhere so far away that I won't be able to follow. Now I worry that I will be the one moving away. However, I have faith in the one I love and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this new relationship work.

The world doesn't seem as cut and dry. It isn't about occasionally eating out, going to the movies, and cuddling on the couch. It is much more alive and interesting. There are still days spent watching netflix and not bothering to put on real clothes but now there are also road trips, game nights, parties, weddings, yard work, birthdays, graduations, movies, the mall, the beach, exploring, hiking, live shows, music, festivals, pirates, adventures, and so much more. The list grows every day.

My life is looking more and more like me every day. It is looking more like how I always wanted to live it. Fun, exciting, a little spontaneous, happy and busy. The world seems to have gotten bigger. The possibilities seem endless.

If there is one thing I learned in the past year it's that nothing is impossible.

Who I Am With You And How I Love You

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
~Roy Croft~

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~

Loving Being Wrong

So I've been sick. I woke up Saturday with a headache well, actually it was more like a face ache. And I had hoped it was just that I had slept in too late. But then I woke up yesterday and it was worse. It was too hard to ignore the evidence I had an full blown painful sinus infection. Then I cried because I felt like shit but I knew I couldn't afford to miss work. They only scheduled me for 24 hours this week. So I got up and went to work. While at work I realized what I really wanted more than anything else was for Garrett to come take care of me and to cuddle with me. Normally I don't ask him to come look in on me when I know he is probably busy because I know I would feel bad and selfish. But I felt like I really needed him. So I asked him to come. He said he had to work Monday. So I suggested that he come the night before or after work Monday or that he simply skip work. I thought he would know that it was pretty serious since I pretty much never ask him to skip work for me. The boy said he couldn't because he needed to wash his work clothes for the next day. I told him that was a lame excuse and he agreed with me. I was furious. So I told him I was mad at him. I mean after all the things I do for him. I cook for him, I have taken care packages to him when he hasn't felt well, I have done his dishes for him before, I have baked him things to cheer him up, I have gone to the doctors with him. I have done everything in my power to make him happy. And I don't usually ask him to just come and hold me. And he was denying me something so simple because he had to do laundry.

He apparently was kidding. He had decided to give me the lamest answer possible so that I would know it was simple a stupid excuse so that he could come to Augusta and surprise me. I was flabbergasted. I felt so bad for doubting him. For thinking that he wouldn't want to come take care of me. I guess I am just used to putting in and putting in and not getting everything I need in return. I think part of me expected a no and when I saw it in a text message I didn't take any time at all to question it.

I should have more faith in him. He is so supportive of me. Even though I ask him how he feels about me maybe moving farther away for a teaching job he refuses to give an answers. He doesn't want to color my decision. He wants me to do what is right for me and my career regardless of his feelings. He does little things to make me smile all the time. I should have known he wouldn't hurt me like that. That he would want to be here for me as much as I want to be here for him.

I love that. I love this. I love him.

And Another One Bites The Dust

My friend Chucky is engaged! Yay Chucky! I am really very happy for him. I met his girlfriend once a while back and she was really a very sweet girl. The two of them have been together now for a year, maybe two? I can't remember. It is so awesome that Chucky finally found someone. In high school he was the guy who I always thought of as a little brother. He was always hanging out with me and moaning over a friend of ours. We considered giving dating a try once but in the end the idea was just a little too awkward. We are good friends and always have been. He listens to me gripe and I listen to him gripe. I see him every once in awhile and it's great fun. Chucky has always been unlucky in love. So it is nice that he is getting married.

However, I can't help but feel a little twinge of pain. An asshole really ruined the whole concept for me. He made me think that I had the person I was going to be with forever. But it was a lie. I don't know that I am capable of trusting someone that much again. I let someone all the way in. I planned a future with that person. I allowed myself to believe I would always have him to support and love me. I was wrong. I had never let myself think I would be married before. That was not something that would happen in my life. I didn't want to need someone that much.

And you know since then I find myself questioning all the time whether I believe that we all have a life partner out there. Do I really believe there is someone for everyone? Someone we will spend our entire lives with? Is it really possible to make it work the first time? Does marriage ever really work?

Just look at the relationships I have seen in my life. My mom and dad are divorced. Both of my dad's sisters have been divorced. My grandfather died shortly before I was born and my grandmother remarried about 8 years ago. My grandmother on my mother's side has 4 daughters, all with different men and I still don't know that she is married to George. My grandfather on my mother's side was married. had a girlfriend and got my grandmother knocked up at 15. What examples do I have in my life to show me that there is any possible way to spend your whole life with one person? It seems to me that there is always someone coming or going.

And I don't want that. I don't want to date forever. I don't want my heart to get broken repeatedly for another 20 years before I finally get it right. I want to meet someone who will love as I am and or who I am for the rest of my life. I want someone to take care of me when I am busy taking care of everyone else. I want someone's hand to hold when I feel like falling to pieces. I want to be able to trust someone even more completely than I trusted the asshole who broke my heart. I want what Chucky has. Faith. Love. Trust. Strength.

Will I ever have any of those things again?

What do I do?

I haven't written anything in a while. And when I have written it has been mostly sappy things. I think I need to write about other things.

I have spent a lot of time lately being angry and depressed. At the beginning of the summer I was stressed about money. Lets face it, I just got out of school and I am trying to support myself with only my part time job and a tiny bit of savings. Lucky for me my job gave me at least 30 hours a week and sometimes more. I managed to get on food stamps and that really helped. It was easier when I didn't have to worry about rent and food. I spent my summer enjoying my new love and going on adventures while using all my free time to look for a teaching job. Now the summer has come to a close and things haven't really gotten any better. In fact, they have gotten worse. The summer is over and I still don't have a teaching job. The store I was working at has closed and now I am working at a smaller store where I have to compete for hours. I'm down to 20 hours a week. It is October which means that school has started and there are fewer teaching jobs now then there were before. I had a car accident so my car insurance is going to be going up soon. In January or February I am going to have start paying on my student loans and I am barely making ends meet as it is. My options are dwindling.

I hate my job. I am going to admit right now that I feel stupid, alone and bored there. I miss teaching. I want to quit but I know that I can't quit. I need to find another job first. I know that I could probably get another retail job fairy easily but frankly I don't want to. I want to teach. I hate corporations. I hate business. I hate retail. I could move back in with my mom. I like my freedom though. I like my independence. I like being able to see my boyfriend whenever I want to. A friend offered to be my roommate but he doesn't want to live in Augusta and neither do I really. So I would need a new job first. I suppose I could transfer to another store. I don't really like that idea either. I need to do something.

The only thing I can really do is keep applying for teaching jobs. Apply for long term sub jobs and ed tech jobs. Keep going to work every day. Keep making money and paying my bills. could try to get a second retail job. There goes all of my free time though. I remember what working two retail jobs was like. I had no free time. And with Garrett leaving so far away when will I ever see him. But again, I am running out of options.

I think I need to work harder but I really don't have any motivation left. I realize that I balanced a lot more than this in college but I'm tired and I don't want to balance and work hard for what I want any more.

Now I am just sounding like I am whining. I think I will stop here before things get too pathetic.

I just don't know what to do.

You Bring Out The Best In Me

I want to run away with you. Find a warm beach somewhere and spend our days lying on the sand under the hot sun, playing in the water, eating food that is bad for us and our nights cuddled in bed together watching Netflix. I want to leave behind this life where we are held down by bills and money. I want to carve out a place in the world for us that is peaceful and beautiful.

I would travel to the ends of the Earth to spend one more minute with you, worry free. Our afternoons where all but the most trivial of cares (such as what's for dinner) have been forgotten are the best times of my life. I could spend eternity wrapped up in your arms. I have never laughed or smiled so much as I do when you are there. You bring out the best in me. The happiest, silliest, lightest, funniest, most beautiful person emerges the minute you walk in the door. But I don't feel like it is an act. Or like this person isn't me. On the contrary I feel more like me when I am with you than at any other time.

Happy Dream?

When I am with you the world is on fire. I have never been happier and it isn't hard to forget all my doubts. But when we are apart and I am alone again they all come swimming back into focus.

How I Feel

I’ve been trying to write you a poem. Something to capture just how I feel about you right now. Something to show myself many years from now so I may forever remember exactly how I feel about you right this moment in time. I can’t. Words aren’t enough. You’ve made this poet speechless. These words, any words just are not good enough. There is no word to describe this. Love no longer covers it. Is there some feeling better than love? Some word to express a feeling more than the strongest most potent feeling on Earth? If there is I don’t know what it is. I just know that is how I feel about you.

Simply Holding Hands

I keep staring at the picture of us holding hands. I don't know why I find it so beautiful. It is simple. Holding hands is such a simple show of affection and love. I can't remember the last time I wanted to hold someone's hand as much as I want to hold yours. It's a nice feeling.

Women Wish

Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.
~Henri Frederic Amiel~

Holding Hands

There is something
So beautiful
In
Interlocking fingers.

I want to
Hold your hand forever,
As the world
Goes rushing by us.

Happiness

Sometimes I am so happy that I feel like I am going to burst. Sometimes I am so happy that when I look back at my past I want to cry. Sometimes I am so happy I want to do a silly little dance. Sometimes I am so happy I want to shout it out from the tallest building in the world. Sometimes I am so happy I think I must be dreaming and I pinch myself to make sure I am still awake.

I was in Boston yesterday. BOSTON! I spent the day in your car and the night in your arms. I woke up this morning still in slight disbelief that this could be real, that this could be my life. I have always wanted to travel, just to see things. And now I'm doing it. Because of you I'm doing it. I have found what I was missing before, a fellow comrade, a traveler, an adventurer, a friend, a kindred spirit.

I was happy with my life when I met you. It was starting to look more like how I had always hoped it would. But I find that all of my happiest moments are with you. So please forgive me when I have a hard time letting go. I never want it to end. I'm still looking for way to hold onto it for a little bit longer. And every time I have to let go again it's a little bit harder.

I'm not saying I never want us to be a part. That would be crazy. I want everything for you. I want you to have a job you love, friends you enjoy seeing and somewhere you can lay your head that isn't stressful. I want you to still go to guys night and mow your mom's lawn and go to anime conventions and concerts. I just wish that when we parted it would be brief and because we wanted to. I wish that we didn't have to plan when we would see each other next or figure things out.

Until then I will take what I have. Pure happiness that you're in my life at all. And a tenacious need to see you as often as possible. I love you.

Possibilities

When I look back at the last 4 years of my life I'm disappointed. College was supposed to be hard work but it was also supposed to be fun and exciting, a new adventure. There was plenty of hard work but where was the adventure?

December of my last year I had my heartbroken. I thought it was the end of me. It was an end but not the one I thought. It was the end of being held back. And it was the beginning of a whole new adventure. Sure I lost a boy. But I gained back my freedom, my independence, my zest for life, my thirst for adventure.

When I look back at the last 4 years I see so many missed opportunities. When I look ahead, into my future, I see a second chance. I see possibilities. And I intend to hold onto them no matter what. I intend to take advantage of every opportunity. I intend to enjoy myself and have the most fun of my entire life.

After all, you only live once, right?

Dream Unit

Dear Sir,

At my interview you asked me what I would teach if money were no object, if I could teach anything in the world. Realize now that my answer was lame. Yes, I would certainly love to teach the Hunger Games but now I don’t think I was thinking big enough. If I could sir I would teach a unit on Romantic poets. The unit would have students reading Wordsworth, Clare, and Shelley while traveling the English countryside. We would stop at all of these poets’ favorite outdoor haunts and while at each spot the students would be required to write a journal entry recording their thoughts and feelings. At the end of the trip they would be required to submit their journals and 5 poems, each poem written on a different stop on the trip. The trip would give the students a chance to see what it is these poets were feeling when they wrote their poetry. It would open them up to the changing landscape and the never ending struggle by conservationists to save it as well as the life of the everyday person.

Once we returned to school I would follow this unit with a unit over American transcendentalism. This would show them how this movement grew out of the English Romantic poetry but also the many differences. We would read Emerson, Thoreau, and the more modern transcendentalist, Annie Dillard. If I had the money still this unit would be followed by a trip to Waldo Pond, Mount Katahdin, and Tinker Creek so that students could compare this countryside to the English one. Perhaps they would see that the differences between transcendentalism and the romantics have to do with the differences in landscapes.

Sometimes to grasp what we see on paper we need to see what inspired it for ourselves.

Sincerely,
Ms. Danielle Terrill

Fear of the Unknowable

I’m scared. Plain and simple, I’m afraid. I have spent so much time working on this dream of mine and now I feel stuck. I can’t seem to take the next step. I’m afraid to move forward. I am afraid to leave behind the comfort of what I know. I am afraid of that great big expanse of unknowable space that stretches out before me.

At the same time I am afraid to stay where I am. I am afraid of becoming stationary,
comfortable. I am afraid I will no longer push myself towards that goal. There is so much in my life I want to do and I have only just gotten back so many opportunities. I am afraid I am not doing enough to take advantage of them; to push for them.

And I’m tired. I have been battling this fear for so long now. Everything before was new. New town, new school, new job. How many times have I moved? How many times have I set out somewhere new? How many bright new beginnings where I was nervous?

The fact that I have thus far beaten back that fear every time and have faced down the new challenge before me only makes me more afraid. Maybe this will be the time I’m not enough. Maybe this will be the time I fail. Maybe this will be the time the fear wins.

Everything in life is a battle. The world gives nothing away for free. Nothing worth having anyway.

Life Update

I had 136 posts in this blog in 2010. So far in 2011 I have had 17. And the year is halfway over. I have obviously been busy. I didn't post a single thing in May. I graduated from college and didn't post one word about it. Maybe it is time for a short update.

Got dumped, had a very shitty time with it, started student teaching, started dating around, met a new boy, fell in love, graduated from college, moved into a one bedroom apartment near my brother in August, been busy applying for teaching jobs. You could probably figure most of this out from my random postings and because most of the people who read this know exactly what is going on in my life. I am actually not sure if anyone reads this. I used to know that at least two people were reading every post. Now I don't think anyone is. Maybe that is good. I mostly write here for myself. I was keeping a blog while I was student teaching. That was more for others to read as well as to help me reflect. I may continue to write in that blog if I get a job. I think it is important for teachers to reflect on their teaching.

Anyway, I have been looking for a job. I applied to 6 places so far. 2 have now gotten back to me. They didn't want to interview me. Part of me wonders if there wasn't something I could have done better in order to get the interviews. Part of me thinks that they just weren't good fits. Part of me thinks it was just because I haven't got any teaching experience yet. Part of me thinks I may never get a job. I have come so far. It would suck to fail now. What did I go to school for if not to teach? What have I been doing the past 4 years except working my ass of so that I could afford to go to school? It is frustrating to apply. It is hard. There is a lot that goes into each little packet that I send out. They could at least bring me in for an interview.

All I can really do is continue applying to schools and hope that one of them wants to hire me. There will be new openings as the summer progresses and maybe some of the people in the interviews won't pan out and I will get called after all. You never know. The important thing is that I am doing all I can do to try and get a job.

Until then I am working at Staples, seeing my family and friends whenever I can, reading a lot of books and visiting with my new boyfriend who ironically happens to be named Garrett. Everything and nothing changes in life. Garrett is nothing like Garret. Except their names sound alike. I have never met a guy who cares more about me than anything else. He cares about people in general more than anything else. His mom, his brother, his friends, me, the residents at the place he works at. If his heart got any bigger there wouldn't be room enough for it in his chest.

And he is sweet. And romantic. He leaves me youtube videos of songs he thinks I'll like on my Facebook wall. He tells me I'm beautiful. He buys me Reeses when I'm having a bad day. He remembers things I tell him. Like my favorite candy, my favorite smell, my favorite flower, my birthday, my favorite movie, my friends' names. He impresses every one he meets. He impresses me. He makes me laugh. He makes faces with me, plays with me, makes noises with me, speaks in funny voices with me. He never makes me feel small, or stupid. He likes when I talk about teaching, which while I was student teaching I did a lot. He likes that I am passionate about something and spends his time listening, not ridiculing my methods. He likes that I go out of my way for my friends. He likes that I would go out of my way for him if he ever needed me to.

I love the way he looks at me. Like I'm something special. It isn't a half bemused, half curious look. Its that small gentle smile that says, "I love you," "I'm so happy you're here," and "Wow. How did I get so lucky?"

I guess you could say that overall, life is different. Drastically different. Some of it is still hard, like the job hunt. But many parts are looking up again. And I'm hopeful.

Three Little Unspoken Words

Blue eyes stare into brown ones,
Gentle smiles break over faces,
The music starts, the screen cuts to black.

Behind closed doors
A hand caresses an ear through long hair.
And they’re dancing among the stars.

Nothing is said,
Nothing needs to be said.

Three little words
hang heavy in the air.

It’s on their lips,
in their eyes,
twinkling in her hair.

Eyes meet
And at that moment
She knows
And he knows.

I Never Mattered

My life is supposed to be lived. One of the things I originally loved about teaching was the many possibilities and opportunities that would be available to me. I could spend my fall and winter teaching, putting new ideas and sparking inspiration in the youth. Then my late springs and summers could be spent in any way I wanted to. I could travel. I could go back to school. I could try my hand at some more acting. I could write my novel or my poetry.
There are so many things I want to do with my life. So many experiences I want to have, places I want to see, books I want to write, stories I want to share. But somehow I got trapped. I have felt myself settling down for years now. I began to picture my life very differently. I knew I wanted all these experiences and I wanted to be a mom someday. I thought I had found the man I would spend the rest of my life with. The problem was he didn’t want the same things in life that I did. He didn’t care about the experiences I wanted to have. I began to think I would eventually have to choose between a life with him or the life I had dreamed I would have. I was willing to pick him.

I knew it was going to come down to kids or traveling. He talked about having kids like it was some kind of financial burden and not creating new life. Everything that placed more responsibility on him was something to shrink from. He didn’t have a car because he didn’t want to pay for the insurance, the gas, and the repairs. He didn’t want an apartment until he realized it would be cheaper than a dorm room. He didn’t want to have kids because for 18 years you had to think of them and no one else.

I wonder if he ever once thought of someone else. I thought he did. He took care of me when I was sick. I thought that meant he cared. He got me out of a bad situation with bad roommates. But I would never have been in that situation in the first place if I had thought he would move in with just me. He wrote me a love story in the very beginning. A story about a boy who was in love with a girl but he didn’t think he could have her because he didn’t think he deserved that kind of happiness. But eventually they both figure it out and their love is beautiful. Self-sacrificing even. He kills himself at the end of the story. I should have taken that as a hint.

I made a list of all the most explicit rules. There were 18.
1) No changing with Mel in the room.
2) No kissing Jewels or Mel.
3) No letting Jewels play with my boobs.
4) No slapping friends’ butts or letting them slap mine.
5) No kissing Garret’s chin.
6) No French kissing.
7) No kissing after my mouth has been on his penis.
8) No sending him naked pictures of myself.
9) No kissing in the shower.
10) No being loud during sex.
11) Danielle must wipe her feet off before getting in the bed.
12) No pants on in the bed.
13) No having the heating pad on during the night.
14) Danielle must be willing to remove shirt when Garret comes to bed.
15) Danielle must brush teeth before bed no matter how late Garret keeps her awake.
16) Danielle must have a logical reason for all of her feelings.
17) No stuffed animals in the bed.
18) No more than the one pillow in the bed.

The best gift he ever got me he didn’t even pick out himself. My brother picked it out and then money exchanged hands.

He told me I was perfect. He told me he loved me. He told me he would love me for forever. He told me I was the one. He took it back. He told me I was beautiful. He told me I was pretty. He told me he liked smaller boobs but he liked mine. He told me my attachment to him was unhealthy. He stopped kissing me. He told me he didn’t know he had stopped kissing me but it was because he didn’t like tongue. He told me he wanted me to be happy. He told me he was going out of state for grad school. He told me he would get a car. He told me he changed his mind about going out of state so we could be together. He told me he was sorry for putting me through everything and he really did want to be with me. He told me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me some day. He told me we would get a place together in Orono and I would get a teaching job there. He told me he wanted to be engaged to me. He told me she looked like a horse. He told me they were just friends. He told me he wouldn’t ever date her. He told me he was worried that he might resent me because I was the only girl he had ever been intimate with. He told me I lied to him and he couldn’t forgive that after all. He told me it was eating away at him and maybe there was something there I needed to explore. He told me we would take the night and the next day to think about it and then talk. He told me he loved me. He told me he thought it was for the best. He told me they were just going on a few dates to see what it was like. Facebook told me they were in a relationship.

They say actions speak louder than words. If that is the case then I should never have believed a God damn thing he said. Since then I have knowingly used guys and allowed myself to be used by guys. I never felt more used than when I was with him. If I wasn’t talking to him then he wanted me to talk to him. If I talked to him about the things I loved he tore them apart until I cried. If I wanted him, he didn’t want me. If I didn’t want him, he wanted me and it didn’t matter what the fuck I wanted. What I wanted, what I loved, what I cared about never mattered to him. I never counted as anything more than another accomplishment. I was there. And I was easy. And I was vulnerable because I loved him and would do anything to keep him. He wouldn’t do the same for me. And I knew it. Why do we keep giving when we shouldn’t? When we should give up?

She Does, She Doesn't

Reasons to Say I Love You
-I love you
-I want you to know
-It will make you happy
-It will make me happy

Reasons to Not Say I Love You
-I don't know what will happen after May
-I don't want to hurt you
-How do I know I mean it?
-It can never be unsaid

I know I am happy when I m with you. I know that I think about you everyday. I know I never want to stop talking to you. I know I have never met someone who felt the same way I do about books, politics, movies, and people. I know I get nervous and excited before I see you. I know that first kiss and every kiss since then has made my heart flutter. I know I like you. I know I more than like you. I know I am holding back. I know I want to say it. But I don't want to break your heart.

Making Mistakes

I'm definitely figuring out who I am. And I like her. Though she tends to make a lot of mistakes. In general, I am finding that I like who I am despite those mistakes. They were mostly mistakes about who to trust. And you know, there isn't anything wrong with that. I am a little too trusting at times. I trust people to be honest with me. I trust people to be forthright about things. I trust people to treat me well. Most of the time I am right. But a couple times I have been wrong. And that happens. These mistakes have also been mistakes with my heart. I don't trust it enough. Every time I do trust it things turn out ok. I should listen to it more. Even if it means wearing it on my sleeve a little. I have enough confidence in myself now that making a mistake won't kill me. I have made two big ones. I'm still alive. Still breathing. I can still live with myself. I am ok with the idea that I made a mistake. I know I need to learn from it and move on.

Teaching Quotes

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. ~Gail Godwin

The dream begins with a teacher who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called "truth." ~Dan Rather

=)

"WHAT EACH KISS MEANS"
- Kiss on the Forehead: We're cute together .
- Kiss on the Cheek: We're friends.
- Kiss on the Hand: I adore you.
- Kiss on the Neck: I want you, now.
- Kiss on the Shoulder: Your perfect.
- Kiss on the Lips: I LOVE YOU...
____________________________________________________
WHAT EACH GESTURE MEANS:
- Holding Hands: We definitely like each other.
- Holding you tight pressed against each other: I want you.
- Looking into each other's Eyes: I like you, for who you are.
- Playing with Hair: Let's fool around.
- Arms around the Waist: I like you too much to let go.
- Laughing while Kissing: I am completely comfortable with you.
____________________________________________________

ADVICE:
- If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely
in Love.
____________________________________________________

http://www.boardofwisdom.com/

The Quiet

I am just plain tired. I feel like I spend a little too much time taking care of my friends, my family, my cat, my work, my school work and my students. I lost a boyfriend but somehow the load doesn't feel all that lighter. Maybe it is time to really start thinking about me. Maybe it is time to be a hermit. At least for a little while. My apartment is nice and relaxing. I can just stay in, do school work and not worry about anything but my life for a while. That might be nice. And quiet. I need to learn to be lonely. I spend so much time surrounded by people. The last day I remember when I was completely alone all day and enjoyed it was the snow where I wrote my CFA for school.

Yeah, it's time. More days like that.

Writing is About Feeling

Every time I put pen to paper
I open up another vein
and bleed my life's blood
onto the page.

I can't write about you.
I can't write
without opening up the scars.
The scars you put there.
Those ones I want to
believe are healed over.

Writing is about digging deeep
for that pain,
for that happiness.

Writing is about feeling.
And I don't want to feel you there
anymore.

Well Today Was Great

I have been having a run of bad luck. I am hoping it is over now. It started yesterday with the ice and snow storm. This caused school to be canceled thus delaying my teacher work sample even more. Then last night around 5:30 my power went out. No electricity, no heat and no water. I decided to go to a friend's to wait till the power came on. I got the car all deiced only to discover that I couldn't back out of the parking spot. It was stuck. So I spent my night at home, alone with the cat, in the dark. The power wasn't restored until 4 am. Then this morning I got up and tried the car again. It was all iced over again. I bent my car key trying to pry open the driver side door. I ended up crawling in through the passenger side. But of course I still couldn't get the car out. I had to call the other student teachers to see if they could get their cars out. Kim couldn't. Ted could. So we were a little late getting to school this morning cause we had to wait for Ted to get the snow and ice off his car. Then when I did get to school I couldn't get the printers to work for me. Then I had to leave school early today to go to seminar which I almost never enjoy. Then after seminar I tried the car again. I ended up flooding the engine so it wouldn't start anymore. Mom and David said to let it sit for a bit and try it again. I went inside and did some school work and made myself some dinner. I tried this new frozen meal thing. It was gross. So after spending 30 minutes cooking it I threw it out. I then had chef boyardee for supper. I got the car to start again but still no movement. I then called a friend and he came over to help me try to push it out. That didn't work. I called the landlord and he is supposed to come over with some sand to see if we can't get it out. He is going to call me when he gets here. He isn't here yet. Pretty sure he has forgotten all about me. What do I do now? Tomorrow has got to be better, right?

Over the Edge

As she raced away from the ground and back towards the cliff a gentle smile touched her features.

She flew among the clouds for a while enjoying her new freedom but she knew that inevitably she would need to return to the ground, to the cliff and the gentle voice that cooed to her about falling. Gently and slowly she angled herself back towards that cliff, dreading the moment when the sensation of flight would end. The moment when her feet touched the ground again came all too soon for her.
It was there that she saw who the voice belonged to. It was indeed the voice of an old friend and there he stood at the edge of the cliff looking down like he was searching for her ruined body at the bottom.

“Hello, friend” she said from behind him. He seemed slightly startled to hear her voice coming from behind him as he whipped around quickly to face her.

“Hello. I wasn’t expecting to see you again so soon.”

“No, I don’t imagine you were. After all, you were the one who convinced me to jump.” A small smirk appeared on his mouth. He knew he could no longer deny that it had been he whispering in her ear about jumping. He also knew that she knew he had expected her to fail.

“I see you found your wings.”

“Of course I did. Too bad you don’t have a pair of your own.” And without a word more she rushed at him across the cliff. She threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around him, one over his left shoulder and the other hooked under his right armpit. She used her feet and her wings to overpower him, forcing them both back over the edge of the cliff.

This Will Make It Into a Story Some Day

"Don't worry, baby. I'll be the one to lead you out of the darkness."

What I Needed

I have been trying to keep teaching away from this blog. However, I realized the title of this blog is still "Of Love, Life, Writing and Everything in Between." Whether I like it or not, teaching is all of the above. It is currently the thing I love the most about my life. It currently is my life. I live, sleep and breathe it every day. Even when I am not in the classroom I am thinking about it or talking about it. I am writing about it every day on my other blog and in reflections I am doing for my field supervisor. I am sure it is in all of my conversations, my facebook statuses and every other aspect of my life. When something permeates your being so completely it is hard to keep it out of anything. Teaching has been everything I hoped for and more. It has made me happy again. It is truly the most fun thing I have ever done. I am more exhausted than ever, I am more uncertain about everything I am doing every day and yet I am sure that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I am so happy that I didn't let things going on in my love life derail me. I am so glad that I didn't take time to back away from school like I had thought about doing. This is what I needed.

Single on Valentine's Day

So this is the first time that I will be single on Valentine's Day in a very long time. At first this fact was very depressing. But I have come up with some plans to cheer myself up. First, I made my mentor teacher a cake as Valentine's Day is her birthday. I am letting it cool now before I frost it. It is Red Velvet and it is going to have cream cheese frosting. Yum. It will be a great way to surprise her. Next, I made plans to go out to eat in Augusta with Mel and Ernie. The three of us are going to get dressed up and have a wonderful time not caring about Valentine's Day. Then last but not least I decided to not focus on what I am not getting and to focus on what others are not getting. I have these three guy friends at Staples who I know are probably not getting anything for Valentine's Day. The three of us have kind of been having a crappy time in the love department of our lives. I decided to surprise the with a small gift from me. I bought them each a ten dollar gift card to subway, then I wrote them a note from me thanking them for being such awesome friends. I put them in envelopes with their names on them. I am going to leave them for them at Staples tomorrow. The three of them are really good guys and they deserve to be treated better than they have been. I hope that this shows them that at least one girl out there cares. I know I will probably not get anything in return but I don't want anything. I know how crappy it feels to watch all the couples around you celebrate Valentine's Day. I just want to make it a little bit better for them. Besides, who ever said the day had to be just for lovers? Why can't it also be for great friends?

A Little Bit Neglected

So I may have been neglecting this blog recently. I started a new one to chronicle my student teaching days but that's not really an excuse. Not a good one anyway. I have lots of things I could talk about on this blog. Like how I went over to my old apartment and yelled at Garret one night. Or about how I have now gone to Old Port twice and had a blast both times. Or about the boys who I have been stood up by recently. Or I could post about Mel and how great she has been to me while I have been coping with my recent relationship status change. I could write about being single. There are so many things I could write about. Its strange. Normally when I don't write a lot it is because not a lot is going on. Usually I don't write because I am busy with school or work or both. Recently though I have just been busy doing and haven't taken the time to write and reflect. I think that is a good thing. It means I am busy. It means I am out living life and trying to create a new one. One that doesn't include Garret.

It's been a challenge, this making a new life. There are nights when I want to give up. night when I am so lonely I can't stand it anymore and I just want to call Garret and beg him to take me back. Slowly though I am learning how to keep those thoughts at bay. I go out. I see friends. I work on school work. I read. I write. Yes! I write! I have a few story ideas that I have been batting around in my head. I have bee posting one on here. I should really work on that one a little more. But I am busy with school recently.

Anyway, this was just a quick update to say that I haven't forgotten this blog and that I haven't fallen off the face of the Earth.

One Shot

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?

~Lose Yourself by Eminem~

I have one shot alright. One shot to get through college. One shot to get my teaching degree. One shot to get as far from what I know and do what I want to do. Sometimes my dreams seem so crazy. I mean who would have ever thought that a poor girl from Orland would get into college. Who would have thought that she would be succeeding? Who would have thought she would be about to go into her student teaching? I am so close to having my dreams unfold that I can taste them. And sometimes I want it so bad that it hurts. I have been given this great opportunity to learn everything I need to in order to be a great teacher, to be better than any one would have ever imagined me to be. I can be something great. I can be a teacher and a writer. I can travel the world. I can be anything I want to be. I can feel myself getting closer and closer everyday. But every step is difficult. I have to remind myself every day that failure just isn't an option. Its succeed or do what my parents did. Work a job I hate so that I can eat.

I'd Rather Be Me

Baby, I can be whatever you want me to be
but just this once
I'd like to be me.

I can love the rain
and the smell in the air when
the leaves begin to fall.

I can be interested in anime
and be your own personal editor
of your latest manuscript.

I can go to all of your games
and root you on
in your path to greatness.

But just this once I would like to be me.

Jut this once I would like someone to
push me to be my best
to help me achieve my dreams
to cheer me on
to show me things about myself that I didn't know.

So baby, I can be whatever you want me to be
but I'd rather be me.

Can you handle that?

Soul Mates

"A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."

~From Eat, Pray, Love