Anger Is Overrated

Garret keeps telling me that I need to let my anger at Tim and Amy go. He is right. There is no good reason to hold on to it. But I have been angry for a very long time. The other day I think I realized why. I am very tired of letting people tell me that I am not good enough. I think I am angry not because Amy makes me feel like I'm not good enough but because sometimes I believe it. But I'm done with that. Garret is right. I need to let go of some of this anger. I'm good enough. I have proven it and I continue to prove it every day of my life. I have overcome enough in my life to know that. I come from a family without college graduates. family with few high school graduates. And yet here I am. I have graduated high school and I am attending college. I have been successful. I am halfway through my third year. I get good grades and I love what I am studying. I am a good person. Despite my feelings of anger I didn't act on them. Over and over again I had opportunities to act on my anger and I didn't. I had help of course but I did it. There weren't always other people around. I could have acted on them. I am a good friend to the people in my life who mean something to me. I have a boyfriend who loves me. I have a successful relationship.

I am beautiful, I am compassionate, I am intelligent, I am passionate. I am a good teacher, a good student, a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good girlfriend and a good person.

I am enough. I will not let anyone tell me I'm not anymore. I will not let anyone make me believe I am not good enough ever again.

Day Off #2

It is 1:40 am on December 28th. But I haven't gone to bed yet so of course I am still thinking like today is Sunday, December 27th. It has been a very good day. I woke up around noon, made cinnamon rolls in the oven and curled up on my couch with a blanket, a pillow and a good book. I read till about 2 and then wasted my time on the internet. At 3 Garret got up and asked me to cuddle. I love laying in bed with him and cuddling in the morning. It is so intimate. Everything is so soft, warm and good smelling. We cuddled until about 4 when I demanded that he get up because he was clearly trying to continue to sleep and in the process putting me back to sleep. I was determined to fix my sleep schedule after waking up Saturday at 3 pm and not going to sleep that night until 5 am. I am pretty sure that I needed the 14 hours of sleep I got Saturday but I need to be able to awake up at 11 on Monday since I have to return to work.

Anyway, after I got Garret up and dressed we watched a couple episodes of House before going to the Harvest House for food. Then when we got back I played around on the computer putting more music on my Ipod while he played Wii. We have pretty much spent today a lot like we spent yesterday. Hanging out and relaxing. It is much more enjoyable than the 9 days in a row I spent at work I can tell you that right now.

I'm not so sure I am ready to go back to work even though I know I will have to eventually. I have been hearing that a lot of people are leaving. Zack is being deployed. Shana is changing jobs. I guess Amanda and Ember have either found new jobs or are looking and Andy mentioned looking for a new job. All of my favorite people are leaving. It is going to be a very different place once they are all gone. Not to mention the amount of extra hours I will be working to make up for the fact that we are losing employees again. I left them a note asking them to work me Wednesdays, Fridays and weekends once the semester starts. I hope they read it and take it seriously. I have 3 English classes next semester and I know two was hard this semester. There is a lot of reading involved when you are taking two English classes and two education classes. Now I will be taking three English classes and an Education class. The English classes tend to be heavier on reading than the Ed classes. At least the third English is writing poetry. Maybe there won't be as much reading? My point here is that reading is hard to do if the time to do it in isn't there and if I am working a lot it might be difficult to get the reading done.

This is obviously no time to be worrying about that now though. I think I am going to end this entry here and just continue to bask in how awesome my day off has been. I hope there are more days like this over my break so that I don't go crazy or get too tired before school starts again. I like being well-rested.

My Necklace

Christmas and Anniversary

Today is Saturday and I have done pretty much nothing all day. And it feels absolutely wonderful! Yesterday was my first day off after working 9 days in a row at Staples. I have been too tired to do anything but sleep thus why I haven't done much writing lately. I enjoyed having yesterday off but it was of course a lot of family stuff and I still had to wake up early to open presents.

I had such a good Christmas. I was woken up by Nick around 8:30 and we opened presents at about 9. I got an Ipod! I was very excited despite having told mom not to get me one. I am happy to have it. I also got new clothes and accessories for the Ipod and much more. I had a ton of stuff to drag home with me that night. After opening presents I spent the day putting music on my Ipod before having supper and then going to the movies to see Sherlock Holmes with Nick and Garret. It was a pretty good movie. I would give it a 7 out of 10. Solid. And funny. After that Garret and I went home to celebrate out 3 year anniversary together and open our presents from each other. He did an excellent job. He got me a season of House, a gift card to the Harvest House and a beautiful necklace. I'll post a picture of it so no worries there dear readers. We spent the rest of the night relaxing, enjoying our gifts and gorging ourselves on the many sweets our families sent home with us.

We went to bed at around 1 am or at least I did. Garret didn't go to bed until like 3 or 4. Then we slept in today until 3 in the afternoon. I have been so tired the last few days that it felt amazing to waste most of my day sleeping. So far today we have eaten supper, done a load of laundry, put away most of our gifts, put away the clothes we washed last weekend that have been waiting for us to pick them up, took the trash out(there was a lot of it!, watched House, Garret has played Wii and I have been online posting pictures, editing Mel's story and writing this. Not a very busy day. A rather fun and relaxing day overall. I hope the rest of the day is as nice.

Tomorrow should be good too since I don't have to work till Monday. This is awesome!!

Visiting

It is Tuesday night and I am at my dad's. I just opened presents and hung out with my family here. It was great to see them all. I missed them. I wish I could visit more often and for longer. I have to start finding more opportunities to get here even if dad and Kelly are working for most of the time that I am here. It is just not fair or right to not visit.

Not a Real Post

I know I haven't written a new post in forever. I would write a real post tonight but I have to pack and wrap gifts for tomorrow. I am going to work from 8-4 and then I am driving to my dad's to visit for the night. Then it is back Wednesday so I can work from 2-10. I am so tired. I hope that I can make it through the next 3 work days without collapsing. No guarantees!

Will Life Ever Not Be Busy?

I haven't been home much the last couple of days which is why I haven't written a post. I had finals due Tuesday and then a doctor's appointment and Christmas shopping to finish. Very close to being finished with that. Just my step-dad left. Woo! Also very close to having a less crowded apartment. Yay! Plus I will be able to put up Christmas decorations soon. I would have put them up already but Garret suggested that I wait. It is probably a good idea.

I have to work a lot the next few days. A lot a lot. I am looking at a nine day stretch. All eight hour days pretty much and no days off until Christmas. I am tired just thinking about it. At least I'll be making some good money. Right? I think I am going to go shower now and get to bed. I'm tired and I have work again tomorrow.

Because He Loves Me

Wednesday night while I was t Lindsey's for dinner Garret read my blog. I don't know if that spawned what happened next or not but it seems to have been part of it. He called me while I was there with all kinds of plans for he and I to move out of our apartment. He wanted to talk to Foothills and see if there was a way out of our current lease even if we had to buy our way out and get us a one bedroom somewhere so that we would no longer have to deal with our roommates. We decided to talk to Foothills about it Friday. So we did. Foothills told us that Aimee had already been in to talk to them about getting out of the lease and to look at apartments for her and Tim. We were then informed that if any of us wanted to move out we would simply have to sign the parties moving out off the lease and the remaining people in the apartment would have to consent to paying the new higher rent for the remaining few months. Garret and I decided to talk to Tim and Aimee that night. Except I requested not to be there. I wasn't sure and still am not sure if I should be mad or relieved that they were talking to Foothills. Anyway, Garret talked to them and Tim and Aimee admitted to having been talking to Foothills for three weeks now about moving out. Yep, 3 weeks. Wish they had said something. The three of them decided Tim and Aimee would be moving out, Garret and I would take on the rent for the two bedroom alone (357.50 not bad for a two bedroom) and they would get the cat. They will officially be out of the apartment in January. At the very latest their stuff will be out the 11th. But after Friday I will never have to see them again. Garret even agreed to being there when they move their stuff out so that I don't have to be there.

I'm glad it is over. Glad this is the last week I have to be anywhere near them. Glad it is almost over. Glad to have them signed off the lease and to be out of the room where I had to be near them. Glad to be alone in the library where it is quiet and peaceful. Glad to have a boyfriend who loves me.

It's Over

They're moving out.

Just Get Out Of My Apartment!

I got some really bad news on Monday that at the time I didn't feel like sharing but now that I have had some time to try and cool down I feel like I need to write about it because I am still massively pissed. My roommates were supposed to go home at the end of this week but now they're not. They are staying until the end of finals week. They are also taking my cat with them and Tim is coming back here a week early. I know that it really shouldn't be a big deal but it is. Mostly because the situation at home is awkward and uncomfortable for me and it involves a lot of me biting back my comments that I really want to make. Now this could be heightened by my angry over them not leaving but I'm pretty sure it isn't. I spend all of my time in my room or the ed center or the library in order to avoid looking at them or being in the same room as them. They must know that the situation really sucks for me since I feel really uncomfortable being in a room with them and they never leave the fucking living room which means I have to walk by them every time I want to eat or pee. But they obviously don't care about my feelings since they obviously had no factor in their decision to stay an entire extra week even though I really need a break.

It wouldn't bother me that they have continued to ignore my feelings and be inconsiderate of me except that I just was really nice to them. I went out and bought them Christmas presents. Really nice Christmas presents. I spent 27 dollars on each of them. All because I thought it would be mean, rude, inconsiderate and would hurt their feelings if I didn't. Garret was right when he told me that I shouldn't bother. They clearly care nothing for me. How can two people be so fucking rude and mean? Garret keeps saying that they aren't doing it on purpose, that they aren't planning on staying here longer just to make me suffer. Well, it feels that way because they sure as hell aren't trying too hard to get away from me. I would have thought that the situation would be uncomfortable for them too. Apparently not. Maybe I should make it a little bit more uncomfortable. Maybe I should cancel the internet. I would cancel the internet, after all by saying they didn't want to help pay for cable they effectively made me cancel the cable, but it would drive Garret bonkers if I did cancel the internet.

They are out in the living room again with their music on. I am so tired of listening to their music. I am very tempted to get the vacuum out and start vacuuming the entire apartment. Try listening to your music then assholes. I don't get why they need to have it on all the time. I really just want it to be quiet. Or to listen to something that doesn't sound like it has been overplayed a hundred and one times over again.

I made peanut butter brownies and used the last of the eggs. It felt good. I hope they need eggs and they find there aren't any. I hope they wanted to make brownies and can't cause there are brownies in the pan.

Tim and Aimee have been crating the cat. When she is attacking them, if she doesn't sop they hold her down and tell her to calm down. Which of course she doesn't because she doesn't like it, and then when she doesn't calm down they lock her in her crate. That is cruel. She never attacks me like she does them and I don't lock her in her crate, ever. Gee, I wonder could there be some correlation there? I hope I get to keep the cat when this is all over. No one will ever hold her down like that again. If someone tried to hold me down the way they hold her down I would bite and scratch too. It scares her. I almost said something when I saw Tim doing it today to her. I almost went out and got the cat and the crate and brought them in my room. I almost told him he could have the crate back when he could promise he wouldn't use it as a punishment again. It shouldn't be a punishment. She gets in there when she goes places. It shouldn't be associated with bad things.

I just hate everything about them right now. I wish they would just go away.

Expectations

Watching a Documentary about Polar Bears Trying to Survive on the Melting Ice Floes

That God had a plan, I do not doubt.
But what if His plan was, that we would do better?

By Mary Oliver

That's it. Those two lines are the entirety of the poem. She is right. There are so many horrible thing happening in th world and most of them are caused by humans. Humans being wasteful and not careful. Humans being mean and greedy. Humans being spiteful and bitter. Humans being anything but what they should be. Humans are different from animals because we are self aware and because we can reason and think beyond shelter, food, sleep and sex. According to the bible eating from the tree of knowledge not only got us kicked out of the garden but it also gave us knowledge of good and evil. Well, if that is true than why do we still commit evil acts? We have these great abilities to think and to see ahead but we so seldom use them. What if God really did expect more from us? He probably has every right to.

Christmas Shopping- Day 1

I am avoiding doing reading even though I was planning on reading for Poetry first and I like what we are reading right now. I went Christmas Shopping today. WOO! It is so much fun to Christmas shop. I love it. I bought some awesome gifts this year. Dad, Garret and Jason at least are going to love what they are getting. Hopefully I can find equally good things for the people left on my list. I did buy gifts for Aimee and Tim. I ended up spending exactly 27 dollars on both of them. So not bad and it made me feel good to give them gifts. I like giving gifts and I would feel bad if I didn't get them something. I mean, I live with them after all. I might not get along with Aimee but I still live with her. I still feel obligated to get her a gift.

So I did and it felt good to hand Tim the two bags with their gifts in them and say Merry Christmas. It felt really good to leave Walmart with all my bags and know that I got some awesome stuff. I did a little worse than I thought I had though in terms of money. Mostly because I thought I had done really good at Walmart so I picked up a couple more things. Oh well. At least those things I got are done now too.

I am especially excited for Christmas now. I decided to get Garret one bog gift and then a few small ones. So I bought three stockings. One to put Garret's little gifts in, one to put the cat's gifts in and one for me. Not sure if Garret will put stuff in it for me or if I will. I'm not going to worry about that right now. I got Garret's big gift today and filled his stocking with all his little gifts. I would write what they are but Garret will read this. Sorry, not telling.

It is starting to feel a lot more like Christmas already.

Somedays You're Just Not Inspired

There are some days when I really am just not inspired to write. It is on those days that I wonder if it is better for me to write or to not write. It is hard to say. Obviously my writing is at its best when it is inspired but on the other hadn veteran writers tell me it is better to just write. They say that the best writers write everyday no matter what. Especially when they're not inspired because sometimes it is the act of writing itself that inspires us. Other time it is just plain painful. But during those times at least we are learning what works, what doesn't work and practicing breaking out of writer's block.

I have to say that I have seen a major change for the better in my writing since starting this blog. All of my poems feel fresher, vibrant, different and more unique. I feel like I am stretching my voice and my topics. I am enjoying everything that is coming out. Now granted it has been a little while since my last poem but I am writing poems much more regularly than I was. Before I started this blog I went through my documents folder and realized the last poem I had written was last year. I was shocked. It is nice to look through my documents now and see that they are dated much closer together. I think those seasoned writers are right. Sometimes the best way to open up the creative channels is to just write. Even if it does suck.

Can't Sleep

It is Friday. Yay. I have been not better this week. Tuesday I returned to classes and work even though my throat killed and I started coughing. Then Wednesday I started losing my voice and then yesterday I pretty had no voice at all. I called work yesterday and said as you can see I have no voice would it be better for me to come in or stay home. My general manager said to come in. So I did. I should have just stayed home. This morning seems a little better. My throat still hurts, I now have a runny nose and my cough is the same but at least I have some of my voice back. I am very tired of being sick.

I also have a boyfriend who is mad at me. He is mad at me for doing housework even though I am sick. I went to take the trash out Wednesday and since the litter box needed to be changed I did that too and put some dishes away. He was mad cause he said the dishes and the litter box weren't my job and I shouldn't have to do other people's work for them especially since I am sick. He is probably right but I don't care. He needed to be done and since I was up and doing things anyway I figured I might as well do it. He also doesn't what me to have to cook. I offered to make spaghetti and meatballs for us today and he said no. I'm not completely useless yet. I could understand this if I was throwing up or so dizzy I couldn't walk straight but I'm not. And I hate feeling useless.

Mel is supposed to be in Farmington today so I am going to try and hang out with her today. Not sure where she is or how to get a hold of her though since she no longer has her phone. She told me to get on AIM last night but by the time I did she wasn't on. I think I will blame work for that one.

I am all done with my SED class now so I am not planning on going today. I got all my points so there isn't any need to and I probably could use a day to get stuff done around here, try to relax and see Mel. Since I have decided not to go to that today I am completely free. Feels nice to be off for the day. I think I needed one. It would be nicer if I was alone or if it was just Garret and me but I'll enjoy what I can get right now.

I woke up way too early this morning. Garret's alarm went off at 8:30 and I have been up since then. I just can't get back to sleep. So I laid in bed waiting for Aimee to leave so I could get up and go pee. Now I'm sitting in bed on my laptop. Considering getting up now, showering and getting dressed. I probably should, especially since my stomach is making it very clear that it is hungry. Not sure what to have for lunch. Nothing sounds all that great. Ok, time to go and start my day. Cheers.

Getting Better

I went to the Health Center Monday and of course when I got there my temperature was normal. I had waited to see if it went back up before I went and when it did go back up, I went. At least the nurse was helpful. She gave me some decongestants and said I most likely did not have swine flu. She said it seemed to be mostly sinus stuff. All good news. She said that I should be fine but to come back in if any of my symptoms got worse. I haven't taken my temperature since then but I think I'm fine. My throat though hurt really bad all day yesterday and I started coughing. My cough has certainly gotten worse since then. And my voice isn't very great either. Hopefully, it will go away. I really don't want to have to go back to the Health Center. People are already looking at me with dirty looks and wondering if I could make them seriously sick.

The good news is that I have had plenty of time to get ahead on homework. Sunday I did my essay for Sabine and did all the reading for this week. I took a bath Monday night and read poetry. I finished all of the reading for my poetry class for the week while in there and did some extra. Then yesterday while at work I started working on my reading for my poetry class next week. Then this morning I got the email from Clarissa of all the reading for Thursday so I did it while sitting in bed. It was pretty quick and easy. That leaves with plenty of time to hang out with Lindsey tonight and relax. I just have to work on stuff for next week. Mostly poetry and Content Lit cause we will be doing group presentations in American texts and I'm done with SED. I am just going to class today to pass in my reflective evaluation.

I should start working on my final paper for Poetry and my project for American texts since I seem to have some time. The other part of me says I shouldn't worry about that until I start feeling even better. Meaning stop coughing. There is also a lot of stuff at the apartment that I need/want to do. Like take the trash out, change the cat's litter, make my bed, clean off my dresser, do some laundry, pick up my school books and things, clean the closet, and set up the box for my TV or try to anyway. I'm looking forward to having the apartment to myself over Christmas break. It means I can do those things and maybe decorate for Christmas a little. I also have a ton of people to buy for this year. I mean there is always the usual mom, dad, David, Kelly, Nick, Jamie, Jason but there is also Garret, Kayla, Lindsey, secret santa at work, kitten and maybe Tim and Aimee. I'm not really sure if I should buy them Christmas presents or not. I feel like it is rude and wrong to not do so but at the same time, they hate me. They're not going to feel obligated to do anything for me so why should I feel obligated to do anything for them? But I do. I live with them. Rawr.

Thanksgiving

Every year I spend Thanksgiving with my dad's extended family at my grandmother's house. There is all the usual foods. Turkey, corn, stuffing, gravy, potatoes, rolls, carrots and more. There are 9 grandchildren, including me, then there are my two aunts, John, my dad, my step-mom, Raymond and Mimi. We all crowd into my grandmother's tiny little house for this feast, for Christmas Eve, for Easter and sometimes for birthdays too. And right before we eat our feast, our mouths watering and barely able to contain our hunger anymore my grandmother makes us all hold hands around her kitchen island and say grace. Now I will admit that I usually just bow my head like a good girl and listen and hope it is short because I am hungry but this year was different. I held hands with the people standing next to me and I looked around at us all as we bowed our heads.

Standing there was my "boys". My brothers and my cousins. Standing there were my aunts. There was my dad and Kelly. There was my grandmother and Raymond. I couldn't help but look around and smile a little. And when I bowed my head to say grace I couldn't help but be proud of them.

We are all warriors in our own way. We must all be descended from a great plains people, from vikings or amazons. For even though we don't wear war pain or helms or throw giant spears at our enemies we fight battles.

My dad is a great Viking. He braves the seas of fear and of change. He has fears and anxieties all the time. Fear of the unknown. Fear of new places, new environments, new people. But yet here he is strong as ever gathered with his family around this feast. He is a mighty warrior indeed.

My step-mom, Kelly is a fiery red-head. An Irish warrior woman through and through. She would as soon cook you dinner as knock your head in for hurting one of her kids. She fights everyday to keep them safe and healthy. She is always afraid of germs and that they will get sick. She is a good mom.

My cousin, Coty is off braving the new world like some kind of sailor on board with Columbus. Off to new lands. He is going to school out in New York all by himself and studying to be a physical therapist. The only doctor in our family. He is brave and strong to go so far away from home.

My cousin, Scotty and my brother, Nick are like Indians getting ready to go on their first hunt alone or preparing to go on a spirit quest. They are seniors in high school. They have fought their way through the education system and have come up towards the top. They are getting ready to brave adulthood and find out what it means to be themselves.

My cousin, Casey remains the last little Indian in school. He is now braving the halls alone and he soon too will be facing adulthood.

My older cousin, Brandon has returned from Arizona. He is the lost wanderer who has returned home for a time. He left us to be with a girl and in doing so he learned what it meant to live and work on your own.

My older cousin, Justy is the Indian warrior who has decided to stay home and care for the tribe. He hasn't left us for college or for anything else. That too is a hard path. he has chosen to begin adulthood early.

My aunt Susie is a beautiful African warrior princess. She is tall and strong. She fights for her health. She has had to learn to eat right, quit smoking and exercise regularly. Life is important to fight for too.

My aunt Joyce is the American rock queen. She is tall and thin with beautiful long brown hair. She too must fight for health. She was not too long ago in the hospital because of her crohns. But she also fights for her children and for her relationship. For her home and for her safety.

I am not sure if I am like Elizabeth, Joan of Ark or Mary Queen of Scots. They were all women who took on men's parts. Sometimes surrounded by all these boys that is how I feel I must be. Sometimes when I am weak with emotions, with missing my family, with working, with school I imagine I am like these woman. Armored and ready for battle. Fighting the injustice men serve us by assuming we are weak because we are women. Fighting the injustice of being born a girl and poor meaning I have to work twice as hard to get half as far. Getting into UMF wouldn't be a big achievement for some but for me and my family it was the end of being told we couldn't.

And then there is my grandmother, my Mimi. She is warrior queen. She is an Amazon. She has fought all of these wars and more and yet here she is to see her grandchildren safely through just as she did for her children. She is the matriarch and head of my family. A family of warriors.

Having "Poor" Values

In my SED class one day a student did a presentation on a book about being poor. The author of the book believed that people of the lower class have different values than the people of the upper and middle class. Probably true. She also believed that in order to help the students in the lower class succeed we need to teach them middle class values. Then the students giving the presentation handed out a chart listing values each class held. Some of the middle class values I agreed with and some I didn't. The last thing on the list was that the lower class believes love is conditional on whether or not you like someone and the middle class believes love to be conditional on achievement. I'm sorry I do not agree that love is conditional on achievement. I don't care if you eat dirt every night for dinner. I don't care if you make a million dollars or five. My love is not going to be based on what you have achieved in your life. I don't believe that love should be based on that no matter what class you are apart of. I agree we need to teach the poor kids that there are ways for them to overcome their status. That it isn't divine providence that they are poor. That they aren't fated to be poor forever. I agree that we need to teach them that yes hard work does help you go places. I know that as a poor kid it is hard to believe that. After all my dad works a steady job and he doesn't have money. I work hard at my job and I don't have money. My mom worked for awhile after my parent's divorce and she didn't have money no matter how hard she worked. But when you are a kid that hard work can pay off. I would like to show me as an example. I would like to look at them and say I come from a family that never had money. I lived in what this author describes as generation poverty. No one in my family ever dreamed of being middle class. And look at me. I am a teacher. A damn good one too. It isn't a lot of money but it more money than I ever dreamed of having as a kid. And I love my job. No one in my family dreamed of liking what they do for a living.

I was offended by the list. I did identify with a lot of of the lower class values and I am succeeding just fine with those values. It offends me to think that some stuck up white, middle class woman somewhere thinks her and her values are better than mine. To think that someone in this world thinks I shouldn't be where I am because I am different. I'm sorry to tell you this lady but you are severely misinformed. I am where I am today because I am different. Because I was stubborn and kept the values my mother instilled in me since birth. You can shove your bullshit up your ass.

Sick Day

I know I haven't written on a week. But guess what?! I'm sick. I have a fever and a sore throat. Which means I have a ton of time today to catch up on posts that I have been meaning to write and haven't gotten to writing yet. So yeah, there will probably be about 3 or 4 today. I have been meaning to write. I have planning out what to write. I just haven't gotten around to writing it.

Here are a few things I have been meaning to write but haven't developed fully enough to make them into a complete post of their own.

--I have been dreaming of snow. It is always the same too. I dream that I wake up and it is still dark in my room so I look at the clock and it is 10 am. The sun should have been up a long time ago and it should be showing through my curtains some by now. But all the light is gray and the room is still dark despite the time of day. I climb out of bed and move the curtains aside to peer out and everything is white. Pure white. The buildings are covered in white powder inches and feet deep and the roads can no longer be made out under the white flakes. Even the air is white as the wind tosses and swirls big, delicately beautiful, pieces of frozen fluff all around. I cheer with excitement as I realize today is a snow day for sure. That is usually when I wake up, still half expecting the world outside my window to be white and pure.

--There is something about laying in bed at night with your arms around me that tells me more than anything you have said ever could. And when I say "I miss you" or "I will miss you" what I really mean to say is I still love you forever.

--The other day you asked me what it means when I smile and wink at you. I told you that if I told you it would ruin it. It would have ruined it then. It is something I have learned from my mom. It is how she used to tell us she loved us when she was too far away or there were too many people around. Even now I can see her face, her brown skin and black hair easily distinguishable among all the other faces in the crowd. It is the ending of a play and we have all come out to give our final bow. I search the faces for her and pick her out. She stands clapping and screaming more loudly than anyone else in the crowd and as I look at her she smiles and winks at me. That is how I knew my mother was proud of me. That was how I knew my mother loved me then maybe more than at any other time if it is even possible for a mother to love her child anymore than she already does. So what does it mean when I smile at you and wink? It means I love you. It means I am proud to call you mine.

--Sometimes all I want to hear you say is, "I want to see you" or "I need to see you".

--"I just spelled only wrong"
"Guess what I did?"
"You forgot to get a total."
"Yep."
"You have to call them back."
"Yep." It is at this point that we break into laughter.
"So I can't spell only and you can't remember to get a total."
"We suck at life so bad."
"I love you, Dani"
"I love you, too." It is more fun to laugh at yourself when you have a friend to do it with.

Dear Reader

I think about it sometimes. I imagine it in detail. I can almost feel my hands curling into fists. Alcoholics call it falling off the wagon. Not sure what to call this. It is more like breaking a habit. But even that just sounds like a name of a Linkin Park song. I imagine what it would be like to just let it happen. To let the anger, the guilt, the frustration, the sadness, the hurt overwhelm me and feel me up so much I need to scream. Scream and hit and throw things and maybe kick too. But the imagining doesn't stop there. I can imagine what the consequences would be. What would happen next. At first there would be nothing. No pain except the dull ache where my punches connected with something. It's numbness. Numbness and fatigue. Then the shame starts. The shame for what I have done. For how it felt to do it. Even for feeling so helpless that I didn't feel I had any other options. That is when the tears start. The sobbing and the agony in the pit of my stomach. Gut wrenching. Heart breaking. Only the pillow muffles it. Then sleep enters and I drift off with the salt still on my face. I wake the next morning to look for bruises and wonder for days which ones are natural and which ones were me.

Sometimes when I imagining, "falling off the wagon" I wonder who will find me. What lucky person will stumble on me laying on the floor, in the tub, on my bed, on the couch, broken, bruised and tear stained. I imagine it would feel good to let myself fall and to let someone find me. It would feel almost like revenge. "See? Here is what you make me do! This is how you make me feel." It is at times like that that I understand how people can cut their wrists, attempt suicide, when they know someone will find them and send them to the hospital long before they bleed out.

These feelings are selfish. They are greedy. And I push them back with the look of horror on his face. The questions of "Why? Why did you do this Dani? What made you feel like you had to?" It's those questions that stop me every time I raise my fist and every time it starts to feel like too much.

In the three years I have been with him I have only not stopped myself twice. Once in April. We had been dating for 4 months. And once last spring. I am at the point in my life now where it is easier to not. It was almost hard to return to it that spring. I know that whether he remains in my life or not it will soon be too hard.

Writing

Sometimes I wonder do I write because I like to,
Or because I have to?
Is it an uncontrollable urge that these words are just pulled out of me,
Or do I really get some kind of twisted enjoyment out of scrabbling around inside my head
Seeking a single word to make the sentence perfect
Carefully crafting and sculpting
Subtle images to draw a reader in
And silently expressing those things I can’t say out loud
Because I can’t speak
The words
They escape my tongue
And yet somehow they are captured by my pen
Its not easy
A singular word can
Make all the difference
Sometimes I have these thoughts
These feelings
These ideals
They swim around in my head as if in a kind of fog
And for some reason when I set my pen to the paper
The fog lifts a bit
But I don’t always write what I find beneath the fog
How can I?
A person can express themselves in words,
Yet why is it that sometimes I’m afraid of what my words mean?
I write them without knowing what they mean
Then I read them
And find they all say the same thing
They are my call for help
They are my silent screams
My endless wails for freedom
For escape from a life of fear
Fear of happiness
Fear of loss
Fear of the unknown
Fear of losing control over my life
Fear of giving up
And fear of fear
And not just that normal feeling of fear
But that fear where you know you are scared and you try to run away
To escape
But only manage to realize you’re more afraid than before
You were afraid
You didn’t take that risk that could have made all the difference
And you’re slowly losing control of your life

You’re drowning
You’re slipping
You scream
You cry out
But you have no voice
Its silenced by the fear in your throat
And you now know it’s over
You let the fear catch you
You did the safe thing
The comfortable thing
And you have lost it all and you know
Its over
Done
All your dreams are finished
You can never dream them again because you were afraid
Your attempt to escape fear has set your destiny in stone
Stone
that’s what fear really is
Its inevitable
I know it
I write for escape
For relief
For help
Why can’t anyone in this world stop the fear?
Please someone save me!!

A Friend Request

He tried to contact me. He sent me a friend request on facebook. I wasn't sure how to react. The longer I spend in Farmington the safer I feel. The longer I go without hearing from him the safer I feel. That scares me. Fear is what has kept me running from him, kept me safe from him. It has driven me to be careful with information about myself and my relationships. It has made me pick my friends more carefully. It has kept me away from places where I know he will be. Fear has kept me out of danger and out of harm. I am losing that fear. In many ways that is good. I shouldn't have to live with that fear everyday. I did that for a while and it is hard. You jump at your own shadow. Then it was a more healthy fear. A fear that only manifested itself when he was near. Now that he is not near ever there is not as much fear.

I denied his friend request. I know I must try to protect myself even if my fear is not as great as it once was. He is the person who is most dangerous to me. I wait to see if he will send me a facebook message. A part of me expects it.

Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I miss talking about books that we had both read and sharing books with the other that they hadn't read. I sometimes miss bus rides that always felt too short and hands that were big enough to hold both of mine in his one. I sometimes wish for that intensity even though that was what scared me the most. I miss notes folded into squares, little bits of poetry shared.

Sometimes I wonder what I am so afraid of. Perhaps it is that he hates me. That he blames me for everything that happened to him. Sometimes I think he should. I abandoned him when he needed me. He was hurting and I tried to help him. He was my best friend. But when he hurt me like he was hurting I stopped trying to help him. What is wrong with me? So what if his friendship was toxic at that point. He was my best friend. He needed me. He begged me to be there. To love him. To care for him. And I did but I let him think I didn't because I thought a clean break would be better for me and for him. I pushed him so far that he didn't know how to cope with all the shit in his life anymore. He should hate me for letting him down. For not talking to him and holding his hand when he needed me to. For not letting him hurt me when he needed someone to hurt with him. I must be the worse friend ever. Instead of being there for him I relied on others to do that for me. Other people who did not care for him like I did. Other people who loved me and did it out of love for me. Other people who knew that I needed someone to get him better, keep him safe and keep me safe.

I owe him something, don't I? I owe him the ability to tell me he hates me after all of this time. Instead I have continued to shut him out. To think of my health and safety first.

I would rather die than go through the hell he put me through again.

That is why I rejected his friend request. But maybe I should have been willing to go through more for him. Maybe I should have died. Maybe I should have let him continue to slowly kill parts of me.

When is it Enough?

I am friends with this couple. I met them freshman year of high school and the three of us got very close. This couple had been dating since 7th grade. They continued to date off and on until the end of her second year of college. That is 7 years. During that seven years they broke up, I believe, 4 times. He broke up with her. He sometimes saw other people while they were apart. Often while they were apart life was not good for him or for her. He broke her heart at least 4 times. I was there and I saw it. But after each break she took him back. She wanted him back. She continued to love him unconditionally despite having been with other girls, despite having broken her heart.

There is this boy and I love him very much. But he has broken my heart twice now. The last time I let a boy break my heart more than once it did not turn out well for me.

The reason I tell you all of this is because I have a question. When is enough, enough? When do we say no more? At what point has a person broken your heart too many times for you to forgive them?

Tired, Annoyed and Bitchy

Yesterday was Mom's birthday so I drove to her house to hang out before work. I think she knew I was coming since I didn't call her to wish her a happy birthday but rather just drove over there in an attempt to surprise her. Mom is great. She has big ibuprofens and a comfy couch and a warm house. I miss not having to wear my sweatshirt inside all the time. I'm always cold in my apartment. Stupid roommates with their not wanting heat. I'm sitting in the Ed center lobby again. Not sure why I am here. I hurt really bad today but instead of skipping my SED class, which is optional, I am going. Mostly because I want to get my stuff back so I can make sure I have all the points I think I do. I am going to skip my English class today and while I'm not there I am going to do some writing for my group project I think. Then I am taking Garret into town to get some food. Then I am having food at Lindsey's tonight. She was going to make a Thanksgiving dinner but her roommate is sick. So because she is sick Lindsey decided to tell Ted and Andrew not to come and do the Thanksgiving dinner another night. Instead we are having pancakes, eggs and bacon tonight. It will be good and fun. Then I can do homework and go to bed.
Tomorrow sounds like it is going to be a long day. I am going to mom's again before work to show Nick all the work I did last semester. Then after work I think I am going to the midnight showing of New Moon with Ember, and maybe Amanda and Shana too. I am really hoping that when I get home tomorrow night at 3 am my roommates will be gone and Garret and I will be alone in the apartment. I don't know though. I have no idea when they are planning to leave. So tired and annoyed and bitchy today.

Four Posts in One Sitting

I am busy today. This is my 4th post. I have been thinking and mulling over these posts for a few days now and I now have the time, the energy and the inspiration to write them. I like that about writing. You can mull things over in your head forever and until you finally put it on paper you don't realize how much you were thinking about or how much you need to put it all down. Put your thoughts into words. I just keep writing. And writing. And writing.

Today has been a slow day. I only have one class and it is from 3:45 to 5:15. Work has called me twice today but I have ignored both calls. I am not going into work tonight. I can't. I have class and homework and writing to do. I finished the homework for today and for tomorrow. Debating whether I should start on the stuff for Wednesday. I probably will later after class while Garret is at SI. I won't have anything else to do and it will be good to be ahead since I have to work Tuesday and it is Mom's birthday that day. I hope this week is a good week. I get the feeling it is going to be very busy. Especially since I am working a lot this week and next week is the week of Thanksgiving. I have a lot of stuff due right before Thanksgiving. I guess the four posts are an attempt to make up for not writing since Thursday and hopefully to hold everyone over until I can write again. I will be busy.

A Sample List of Grievances

I know you feel that you have not been rude or disrespectful to me. Here is a list of the things that are rude and disrespectful.

It is rude and disrespectful to wave your hands dismissively and roll your eyes when I make a comment that you do not agree with.
It is rude and disrespectful to have your computer open while I am trying to have a serious conversation with you and everyone else in the apartment.
It is rude and disrespectful to have sex loud enough that it can be heard over loudly playing music while your roommates are home.
It is rude and disrespectful to not respond to someone when they are speaking to you. I don't care if your headphones are in or not. I didn't even do this when I was ignoring you. If you spoke to me I responded. You just didn't speak to me.
It is rude and disrespectful to think that the other person should always be the one to start the conversation. When have you ever said "Hi, how was your day?" to me?
It is rude and disrespectful to talk about someone in a low voice while they are in the other room.
It is rude and disrespectful to put labels on your food without first talking to the other people living with you. It makes me feel like you do not trust me to not eat your food even though I have done nothing to show you I can not be trusted to not eat your food. It is rude and disrespectful to hurt someone's feelings in that way.
It is rude and disrespectful to break an agreement, like the agreement we had that we would both try to talk to each other.
It is rude and disrespectful to not apologize when you have hurt someone's feelings and you know you have. You could have apologized for being rude and disrespectful to me when I told you that was why I was ignoring you.
It is rude and disrespectful to back talk to someone who is making a very simple request of you. How hard is it to approach me instead of Garret when you have an issue with me? The way you responded to that request, call it whatever you want, was rude and disrespectful.
It is rude and disrespectful to expect me to push my feelings under the rug and forget about them so that you can feel better.
It is rude and disrespectful to dismiss my feelings by giving excuses. I told you I was waiting for you. I expected you to apologize for making me wait for you whether you knew I was waiting for you or not that is the decent thing to do. It is rude to keep someone waiting for you.
It is rude and disrespectful to make faces at and roll your eyes at my friends when I am standing right there. I don't care that you don't like them, I do. By not at least hiding your disdain when you are around me your disrespecting me by showing contempt for the company I keep.
It is rude and disrespectful to not take care of my things when I am allowing you the use of them. How hard is it to wash and put them away after you use them? I don't want them left in the sink. It shows disrespect of me when you leave them in the sink.
It is rude and disrespectful to say that you are not a rude or disrespectful person when there must be some reason why I feel this way or I would not be saying it.

All of these things make me think that you think you are better than me in some way. Why else would you feel it is ok to treat me with so much disrespect? I am a loving, compassionate, kind, generous, happy, silly, friendly, respectful, intelligent and passionate person. I am wonderful. So why do you treat me like less than that?

Another Unsent Letter

Dear Garret,

I'm sorry. I owe you an apology too. I have also subjected you to a tense situation and you also don't deserve that. You have done nothing but love me and be there for me no matter what. I tried to be her friend for you more than for anyone else. You two seemed like you were becoming close friends and I did not want to take a friend away from you. I wanted to be her friend too. I'm sorry it didn't work out that way. My own respect for myself is more important to me than her friendship and I would have no respect for myself anymore if I continued to allow her to make me feel like shit. To make me feel like I am less than human. There are some days that when she speaks to me I feel like disappearing off the face of the Earth. It is against every fiber of my being to allow her to continue making me feel that way. I let her for a very long time. But I hate who I am when I let her do that to me. Please, forgive me when I complain about her. I just want some justice. I want her to know that she does me wrong and I want her to apologize. Instead I feel like she is making herself into the victim and I am the one committing all the crimes against her. I just want you to not see me in that way. I fear that you will hate me for this. Please, forgive me for that fear because I know it has no grounds to stand on. Please, forgive me for complaining to you when I know it does no good. Please, forgive me for ruining many evenings together by talking about the situation. Please, don't stop loving me.

Love,
Dani

A Letter of Apology Not Given

Dear Tim,

I'm sorry for everything the conflict between Aimee and me has put you through. I know it must be tough living in such a tense environment. I hope you know that I really did try to be her friend and for a while I was able to. But I realized that in doing so I was compromising a part of me that I really like. I don't take shit from anybody. I was laying down and taking her shit. I was letting her make me feel like I was less than her. Like I was not worth the dirt she walked on. I have never let someone make me feel so worthless in my entire life and I realized that I am not about to start now. I really wanted to be her friend if only because you, Lefty, Kristy and Garret seemed to respect her so much and because all that respect means something to me. But I don't feel like my worth as an individual is being respected by her and it has already affected my view of my own self-worth. What it would cost for me to continue being her friend is not worth it to me. Please, forgive me this? Please, do not judge me for this. You have been a good friend in the past and I would like to keep being friends.

Sincerely,
Dani

Today Was a Good Day

Today has been a pretty good day overall. I had my two early morning classes which I really did not want to get up for but hauled myself out of bed for anyway. Then after classes I walked home with Garret and had a sandwich for lunch. Then I carted myself over to the library to do homework and watch Glee on Hulu until Garret got done with classes. Then it was supper time and a short trip to Walmart. Next we are going to the movies. I have had a good day. It has been nice to hang out and relax and do some work and not overexert myself. It has also been nice to hang out with Garret. I'm excited to go to the movies. I haven't been in a while. Not sure what the last movie I saw was. We are going to see Vampires Assistant. It looks like it might be good. I hope it isn't bad.

Letter I Sent This Morning

We had an agreement. The deal was we were going to try and talk to each other. Even if it was just a simple "Hi, How are you?" and I was a very good girl and I did just that. However, all I received in return was one word answers. You also never said Hi to me or asked how I am. It is because of this that I feel you have failed on your end of our agreement. I will therefore be living in my room for the rest of the year.

Have a nice day.

Reaction?
None

Head and Heart

Wednesday is finally here. That means the week is halfway over and that tonight is my turn to make dinner for Lindsey and me. We are having spaghetti and meatballs. Yum! I let her pick from boiled dinner, scrambled hamburger and gravy, and spaghetti and meatballs. Obviously you know what she picked. I always look forward to Wednesdays. They are fun, they break up the week and they give me a chance to have a real good meal. I have been thinking about going to the fitness center and weighing myself. The scale in the bathroom has been saying for weeks that I weigh around 149 now which is roughly 11 pounds lighter than over the summer where I was up around 160. The last two times I weighed myself it has said I weigh 151 and 154. Not very reliable. I have been eating more junk recently but not enough to make me gain that much. I am 1 week from my period so it could be water weight but I doubt it. I am rather curious though to see if I have lost weight cause my boss has said the last few times I have seen him that I look thinner. Compliment or honesty?

I can't wait for Thanksgiving. Garret told me that my roommate only has one thing to turn in that week and that she can email. That means that she could leave Thursday night or Friday morning(she has no classes Friday)and be gone all weekend and then the entire week of Thanksgiving. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up but obviously that is what I am hoping for. That much time in the apartment alone with Garret sounds pretty freaking amazing to me. I am in the ed center and I guess she must have a class here cause I just saw her leave. I wonder how it makes her feel to know that I would rather hang out in the ed center for an hour than risk running into her at the apartment. I wonder if she even knows that is what I am doing.

As of yesterday I have all of my homework up till Thursday done. I tried to get the Friday stuff done but I got distracted(Garret, I love you). So maybe I can get it done tonight so I can get started on next weeks stuff since I am actually scheduled to work during the week next week. It feels really good to be so far ahead. It makes me feel like I have time to relax and have fun for a change. Maybe I even have time to pick up another hobby. A game I can play when I am bored or a book to read for my own enjoyment. I haven't read a book or fun since this summer. As much reading as I have been doing has steered me away from doing more reading, even for pleasure but maybe I should. Or maybe I could do more writing. I have often wanted to start a story. I haven't worked on a story for a long time. I have had a hard enough time with poetry that prose seemed particularly daunting. Especially since poetry is usually easier for me to write. Something about the format that makes it easy for me to get down on paper what is going on in my head and heart at that moment. My head and heart are just too confused.

Enjoyable Activities

Today is going to be a busy day. I don't have a lot of homework. In fact all of the work that is due tomorrow is done. The only homework I have is for Thursday and for Friday. I have other more mundane things to do. I have grocery shopping to do and meatballs to cook. I have a large blanket to wash and a bedroom that could use some cleaning. There is never a lack of things to do at home. I just wish they were more fun. I enjoy cleaning sometimes. When I am frustrated or angry it makes me feel better to let it out in that way. I love cooking but only for people who will really appreciate it. I look forward to my turn to cook for Lindsey every other week. I have fun scheming and trying to think up something that is delicious and still something she might like. I know some of the stuff I like might not be what she would like. Like the corn chowder I just ate. Although she is a very open person and so far she seems to like most everything.

Cooking is fun. I like that I can combine these ingredients and create something different and very yummy. I like watching people's faces as they enjoy it. And of course the sounds of contentment are nice too. I like friends and good conversations. I like games of Uno, Spit and Scrabble played while watching movies. I like movies all by themselves. Especially going to the movie theater.

Safe Space

I have reached a new low in my life. I am tried of being the only one to be putting any work into my relationship with my roommate so I am trying to disappear. I have decided that when she is here I will be in my room and will remain there with the door shut until she leaves or goes to bed. If I don't want to be here in my room with door shut while she is here I will try to leave before she gets here so I can be gone the entire time she is here. Which is why I am in my room waiting for her to leave so I can go to the bathroom. Just walking past her makes me shake. I have never wished so hard before to be invisible. If I was invisible I wouldn't have any problems with her. She wouldn't know if I was ignoring her or not. She wouldn't be able to hurt my feelings. I could live my life here and she wouldn't even know I existed. I wish I could disappear right now. I wish she could disappear right now. I heard her scolding the cat for eating her plant. I love that cat so much today. Thank you kitten for being you. I should just move out. I keep telling myself it is just another 6 months. That I can do it. I keep telling myself that Thanksgiving is coming soon and that will be at least 5 days of not dealing with her. 5 days that I can relax. I feel more comfortable in the ed center or in the library surrounded by strangers than I feel in my own home with her in the next room.

I know you are all sick of hearing this. Of hearing how irritated, mad and frightened I am of this barely 100 pound girl. She makes me feel inferior and the only way I know to get my power back is to put her in the hospital. It is hard to repress the rage I have. I have let her make me feel this way for too long just because my friends respect her. It is my fault I am in this situation now. I should have told her no, told her she most certainly could not live with us.

I try really hard to not make every blog entry about her and about my feelings. I'm sorry that I keep coming back to it. Reexamining it. Reasserting it. I wish it would go away. I try really hard to not write about things here. I try to skirt around the subject a lot despite everything. I know I need to stop writing about this. I need to stop talking about this. I need to keep these things to myself. I have a hard time keeping it bottled up now. I have kept it bottled too long. I need to stop thinking about this. I need to accept the fact that this isn't going away and find someway to cope for the next 6 months. I need to find some safe space in my head or in my heart where I can live and where nothing she does or says can hurt me.

Maybe I can live in this room.

Coming Home

I worked all day today like I do every Sunday. I'm very tired. I'm kind of wishing I could do what my cat is doing right now and just spread out on the bed and go to sleep. I'm not sure I am ready for it to be tomorrow yet though. I like the quiet time with Garret. It is so nice for it to just be the two of us. I'd like to just block the whole world out. It is so time for a place that is just ours. I'm not sure what I was thinking before. Only about 6 more months now. Yay. I can do that. Halfway done.

Not much happened today so there isn't much to post. I got up, went to work, after work I saw my mom and brother and step-dad, then I picked up Garret, we got supper, went home, put stuff away and got unpacked. Now I am just hanging out and relaxing. Waiting to get in the shower. I'm not really sure I even care to take one. I'm cold and tired. I should though. I smell like sweat and Staples and probably a little like smoke from being at mom's. Mom's so warm compared to the car and to my apartment. I wonder if the heat has been turned down while I have been away.

I'm always nervous about returning to the apartment after being away. Not sure why. I want to be home but it isn't always very restful when I am home. I don't always feel at ease. I feel better when Garret is here or when I am alone. But that can't happen all the time. I have been keeping my door closed a lot. I like having my own space.

Ok, shower and bed. That is enough of this tonight.

Ahead for the First Time

It is Saturday night and I just finished writing an essay for Monday. Usually I am so far behind on homework that by the time Saturday roles around I am just starting the reading that I need to do in order to do the essay that is due on Monday. I was able to read so much yesterday that I actually finished the book. Meaning that I won't have any reading for my American texts English class due Wednesday. It feels pretty good to be a little bit ahead. Maybe I will try to stay that far ahead. It would be rather nice. It is back to work for me. I haven't been to work since last Sunday. It has been a much easier week than usual.

Garret just finished his paper too and we agreed to play Uno when we were both done. I'm going to go do that now. More later I am sure.

Hopeful for the Weekend

It's Friday and I know that I have been slacking technically since I didn't write a blog entry yesterday. But I am here today and I am writing. I have had a pretty good day thus far. The roommates are both gone for the weekend so it is just Garret and me again which is nice. I am also not working until Sunday which is nice too. It gives me time to get work done and to relax with my boy. The weekend I didn't get last weekend. Yay! We are making a pretty sweet meal tonight. We're having scallops, fish sticks, fries and he is having rice as well. I also had a very good class today. We did some role playing where we tried conferences with parents, teachers and students. I have to say I was very good at it. My professor even walked by and said that I had them wrapped right around my little finger and that I should be a psyche major or something. I felt pretty proud of myself. I think I am usually really good with people. Maybe that is why I do so well at the customer service desk at Staples. I think the one slightly disappointing spot of my day is I am missing one of my Anne of Green Gables movies. My grandmother and I love those movies and the third one, the only one I have on DVD is missing. I know it has to be around somewhere cause I watched it in my room one day but I still can't find it and I have no idea where it is. It is driving me crazy cause it means something to me. Garret came home to find me tearing the apartment apart trying to find it and getting more and more frustrated. Hopefully it will turn up soon.

I am excited for the weekend ahead it will be nice to have a couple of days to relax a little. It will be quiet too. It has been really quiet without Tim here this week. Probably because he is one of the few people everyone talks to and because he plays music or has a movie on all the time. I am kind of enjoying the quiet for a change. I'm sure I will need noise eventually and will put a movie in or something.

I'm going to go start supper now.

Heart Breaking News

I am so heartbroken right now by the amount of closed mindedness that exists in Maine. The results of the election are in and people across my home state have denied their fellow men and women their rights. I never would have guessed in a million years that the people living in my state could do that to someone, anyone. We entered the union a free state during the time of slavery. I can't believe that a state like mine, a historically free, accepting state could turn its back on the gay community. It isn't like they were asking for much. Just the right to marry. Just the right to love anyway they want to. Just the right to the pursuit of happiness, that right the founding father's gave us when they wrote our constitution. I must wonder if they knew we would be arguing over that right in the distant future. We ended slavery hundreds of years ago. We have been working to put an end to discrimination and injustice ever since then. There is nothing right about today. There is nothing right about ignorance and closed mindedness.

This One Is For You, Uncle Robin

Today was the big day here in Maine. Today is voting day. It wasn't a big election of course but the issues on the ballot are very important to many Mainer's and tensions have been high for a long time, especially around question 1. The question asked if voters wanted to appeal the recent law that allows same sex couples to marry in the state of Maine and allow religious groups to refuse to perform a marriage between a same-sex couples. My family and I of course voted No. We are strong proponents of the idea that marriage is about the pursuit of happiness, a right that our founding father's spelled out in the constitution as being unalienable to humans. Not to mention a close relative who was gay.

Growing up I had this wonderful uncle, Uncle Robin. He has been a big influence on my life. He grew up in a home that was very much against differences of any kind. My Grammy Johnson despite being a really good grandmother to me was not one to believe in tolerance. My mother says she used to wish she could date a black man and take him home with her just because she knew how much it would irritate my grandmother. Despite my grandmother though my Uncle knew from a very young age that he liked men. And despite everything else he found acceptance. My mom didn't care that he was gay, he was her brother and they were very close. They grew up together, played together, laughed together. His sexual preference meant nothing. Maybe that is why he fell so in love with me as a child.

My Uncle hated children, just hated them. He was never upset by the fact that he couldn't have kids cause he didn't like them. But then I was born. My mom describes a scene to me where my Uncle was out watering my grandmother's flowers and I wanted him to use my little tiny, tiny green watering can to do it. Now, most adults who hate children would have refused outright or they would have found some way to get around having to do that. Not my Uncle Robin. He took the little watering can and spent all day watering those flowers with it, with me trailing along behind him. He never complained about it either.

Unfortunately, I only got a short time with him. The beautiful, funny, comfortable with himself man that was my Uncle got AIDS and died. I was very young at the time. But I can still remember going to the hospital to see him and being frightened. I didn't understand what could possible have happened to the man I knew.

Today at the polls, as I stood in front of the ballot all those memories of tiny watering cans, of my Uncle's humor, the little fragments of his voice I remember and the image of him in the hospital came back to me. I filled the ballot out with tears starting in my eyes because all I could think about was how proud of me he would be and of how much he deserved the right to be married while he was alive.

I called my mom after I left. She agreed with me that he would be very proud of me and she said "You were the thing he loved best in the whole world." I hope that where ever he is now he got to see me voting. I hope he knows I was thinking of him. And that this one was done in his memory and out of love for him.

Busy Weekend and Stressful Homework

It is November. I am so happy I have made it this far in the year. Only a few months left to go and only a little over a month until the semester is over. I am determined to finish the semester strong. I am even more determined to have a good month and a half. There is nothing that should stop me from enjoying it. Nothing at all. I have been very stressed this weekend because what was originally supposed to be a relaxing weekend with Garret and my homework in an empty apartment turned into a very busy one. It all started Thursday when I went to mom's to hang out with Nick on his birthday. Then Friday I went to Bucksport to see Jamie's football game. Then I drove back Saturday to read two books and just about start from scratch on a project, all of which is due Monday. Exciting no? Luckily I was able to sort of read, sort of skim one book and I just finished the project. Now I have the rest of tonight and until 3:45 to do the rest of my reading for Monday. Whether or not I go to that class will probably depend on how much of the reading I get done. Lets hope a lot. I would rather skip on a Wednesday if I have to because those are busier especially since Lindsey and I have been taking turns cooking dinner every Wednesday. The good news is that despite the stress I have had a good weekend. Seeing my brothers was awesome despite being woken up so early. And I had an easier time with the project than I thought I might. College is like that. You tend to stress and stress but in the end it is easier than you thought it would be. But only if you really work at it. It can be hard to balance school, work, friends, boyfriend and family. I am never sure I am getting the right amount of any of it. I am glad I have been hanging out with Lindsey so much this semester. It has replaced a much needed friend time for me I think. It at least makes up for part of the whole of not having Mel and D&D in my life anymore. It isn't quite the same but it is good in its own way.

At Dad's

Little boys don't like to let you sleep past 7. I finally gave up trying to sleep through the noise and just woke up at 7:30. Been watching Iron Man since about then. I saw it for the first time last night. Pretty soon I will have this movie memorized. I could drive home right now and make it home in time to take a nap. I won't do that though. Despite being woken up earlier than I would have liked I'm having too much fun here. I went to bed at midnight but I didn't turn the light in the kitchen off until 5 am so I woke up repeatedly cause of the light. I guess I didn't get much sleep then.

What Keeps Me Smiling

Why is it that every time I pick up a pen now I find that all I have to say is I love you? I sit here in front of my computer listening to music and trying to write something, anything and all I can think to type is I love you. It all comes back to that. Never been so happy as I am now that I’m with you. I’m currently in my room by myself, I’m lonely, I miss you, my ankle hurts, my fish recently died and my mom is mad at me and somehow I can still be happy because you are there. Even now when I feel like I have been cleaved in two and my other half ripped away from me violently… I’m happy. The thought of your smile, of the hug you’ll have waiting for me and the welcome home kiss that has always been and will always be just for me. It makes me happy. It makes me smile. It makes me hopeful. Random glimpses of our happy future swirl in my head. Our one year anniversary, first night back at school, that first weekend on campus after a long break, summers together, our first apartment together, our graduation from college, our wedding day, our first days of work, our first house, our first baby, and years and years more spent growing old in each other’s arms; together forever. I can’t ask for more.

In With the Good And Out With the Bad

This my 38th post which makes one more post than last month! Yay! Way to go me. I am very tired today. Tired but happy. I just found out that next week I am only working Sunday which makes for another very tiny pay check but it makes for a less stressed Dani because I will have more time to do my homework. Not going to complain about that. It has been a pretty slow day so far. Slow but good. I enjoyed sleeping in but again am still tired. The only thing I am stressing about is the amount of work I have to do this weekend. But I should be able to get it done and do everything else too. I have Monday to do my English reading. Then I have tonight and Saturday to read that book for Monday. Then I have Sunday after work and part of Monday to do my reading strategies project. Then the paper that was due Tuesday has been moved to Thursday so that relieves that stress. Now I have time to write it Tuesday or Wednesday. Having Tuesdays and Thursdays off from work leaves me with a lot of free time during the week. It is awfully nice.

So in general life is good. Steve was right when he said to just enjoy my life and not worry too much about others. Garret was right when he said I am too busy with school, work, him and Lindsey to have time to stress about anything else. He is absolutely right. In with the good and out with the bad. Tomorrow is a special day. It is the Witch's New Year. Maybe I should treat it as one.

A Great Wednesday

My goal this month was to do one more post than I did last month. I missed posting yesterday so now I'm not sure I will accomplish my goal. Yesterday was a really great day. It was busy but it was good. I had a pretty good first class of the day and after class I ordered some stuff from a friend who is a Mary-Kay Representative. It was great cause she gave me a ton of deals on the stuff I ordered. So awesome. I will certainly be ordering from her again! I figure that if I try out the stuff I ordered and I really like it i can get some stuff for mom and Kelly for Christmas. It is very exciting. Then I came back here and hung out with Garret before going to my last class of the day which I usually talk in because it is painful to watch the professor trying to get people talking and no one is talking. It was pretty much like that except I wasn't too worried about it because I had plans after it. I got out a little early and rushed home to finish cooking dinner. I made Italian pot roast, mashed potatoes, corn and broccoli all by myself. So awesome! Then Lindsey, Ted and Andrew came over to have supper with me. Also awesome. Probably the most awesome thing though was how they managed to kick my roommates out of the living room. The roommates who bother me because they never, ever leave the living room! She pretty much got up, went into her room and shut the door when Lindsey got here. Lindsey and I were just standing in the kitchen talking so maybe us talking was bothering her. Frankly, I hope so because she and her boyfriend bother me all the time when I am doing homework in my room at night. They are very loud. Anyway, then Andrew and Ted came in and there were hugs all around which was great. It was so awesome that everyone wanted to hug each other. It is that old practicum bond. There is something about that experience that has really bonded us together. So we were all standing talking and hanging out in the common area when basically my male roommate got up, took his guitar and went into his room too. So Andrew sat on the couch and Ted sat on the floor and thus the living room was ours while we ate and then at some point the roommates left because they were having dinner at a friend's place. Thus the apartment was all mine till sometime after 9. It was awesome. Lindsey and I got to sit on my couch and watch a movie on my big TV out there and eat ice cream and we could talk about anything we wanted because we were the only ones home. I loved it. I haven't spent time out in my own living room since I can't even remember when. I pretty much never hang out in there because there is no space with all of their stuff everywhere. They take up the entire living room.

Anyway, they are leaving for the weekend. So the apartment is Garret's and mine all weekend. Very excited. Although I did just find out that she isn't taking her laptop with her this weekend. I asked her why not take it with her and she said she wasn't going to need it. So I asked, "Well, if you are leaving it here all weekend could you please put it somewhere out of the way before you go?" She responded with, "I will." Not sure what that means so I said, "Ok, just asking nicely." I really don't know if she meant to be rude or not but I certainly wasn't being rude. I want to be able to enjoy my living room over the weekend that they aren't here. I think I have the right to ask them to move their shit before they go. She managed to leave her laptop on the couch. Not sure if that means she is coming back or not.

To My Little Brother on His Birthday

To My Little Brother, Nick, on His 18th Birthday,
Congrats, you have finally made it.
You are now considered a legal adult by the state.
How does it feel?
I know for me being 18 was scary.
It was a marker that things were about to change,
For forever and for always.
No matter what happens next
It will be an adventure.
As you try to figure out
What you want from life
And who you really want to be.
Just remember that when things get tough
You have family to help you.
Remember that I will always be your sister
And when you need me, you can call me.
Remember that I love you,
That we all love you.
Remember that you are smart,
Funny,
Strong,
And capable.
Remember that you are ready for this stage of your life.

Teaching and Life

They say there are two types of people who become teachers. There are those who liked school and don't want to leave it. Then there are those people who hated school but figured the best way to change the system they hated was to do it from the inside.

I have never really been sure which one I am. I am always fighting for a change. I want there to be more power in the hands of the poor, the downtrodden, the unlucky. I want education to be the doorway to a better life for more people. I want more people to realize that they can do better than they are doing. I want the gap between the rich and middle class, and the poor to shrink. I want to make people smile and discover that their child who they thought was lazy or stupid is actually a brilliant actor, poet, essayist, or has a brilliant way of analyzing literature. There are a million ways that the world is wrong. And I feel like I could have an effect. I could change it. That is why I am a teacher.

I neither hated or loved school. I went because I saw it as an opportunity to be somebody. To recreate myself in another lifestyle. To escape from where I lived. School was there to lead me to where I wanted to go.

I have been thinking lately that life seems like a waste of time. I have been thinking that maybe everything is pointless because even if I do cause a change I probably won't get to see it and live it simply because of the nature of change. I heard today from a good friend that it doesn't matter if you don't cause change. What is most important is not wasting your life. Not having a ton of regrets at the end about what you could or should have done.

She is right. I used to think that and somewhere I lost that. Life isn't about the end because we all have the same inevitable end. Insert cliche here, "Life is about the journey".

Waiting

I hate waiting. I'm just sitting here on my laptop waiting. Waiting for class and my day to start. At least if I am here sitting in the classroom it doesn't feel like I am waiting to go. Action is so much easier than inaction. Especially when you are not enjoying your environment. This whole situation isn't working for me. I feel like I'm the only one who is trying. I'm not sure why I agreed to this.

Professor is here.

The Scars of a Poet

“Even the scars of my decisions”
--Adrienne Rich

As a poet
I know the poetry of fate,
Of life
Revealing itself
Through
Luck, fate, decisions made.
Rich was right.
Decisions leave a scar,
An imprint on our souls
That we carry with us forever.
My scars shall haunt me till my final days here on Earth
And then they will follow me to my grave.
They mark every step I take
And mar every aspect of my essence.

My scars,
I carry with me.
Scars of battles fought
Won and lost.
Scars of pain inflicted
Pain they inflict and pain that is self-inflicted.
Scars of love,
Scars of hate,
Scars I will never forget
And some I beg God I could forget.

Can you see my scars?
I feel them.
The eyes of those around me
Peering at my scars
Judging them,
Judging me.

Writing to Scar

I haven't really felt like writing. I still really don't want to write. The things that are going on right now aren't things I want to write about, think about or talk about really. It isn't pleasant. It is just hard to write about what is happening in my life right now and not say what is staring me right in the face.

It is Monday. I have one class today but I have a couple of meetings I need to go to. One with my advisor and one with a girl in my class later tonight. If I am lucky everything will go just fine. I should really be working on the large amount of reading that is due tomorrow. I didn't get a lot done this weekend. Work... and other stuff. Including being sick. Have you ever just wanted to barf so that you could lay down and get some sleep?

Life is just crazy right now. There is so much I want to do. So much I don't have time for. And yet things are not moving fast enough for me. I feel like I have to keep moving all the time so that everything around me will keep moving. I can't stand still. Time can't stand still. But I am so tired. As much as I want to lay down and rest there is no peaceful rest for me. Too much to do. Too much going on around me. Too much to think about. No way to block it all out.

Block it out. Block it all out. Close the wounds with the poison still in them. Heal outside while I still bleed inside. Sleep but never really sleep. Toss and turn and have dreams. Dreams of sleeping. Dreams of peace. Of rest.

I don't even know what I am saying or writing anymore. It is all strangled and knotted up inside. Trying to let it leak out slowly is not working because it is to tightly wound up in everything else.

Life is Good

I am really enjoying life today. It is very busy and quite stressful but I am liking it. I am going to have a very busy weekend with homework. I have a movie I have to go see on Sunday and then Monday I have an essay due and a meeting with LeAnne. I also emailed my professor to see if I could meet with her that day about a project I am doing for her. Then Tuesday I am hanging out with Lindsey. We are having english muffin pizzas and working on our reading strategies projects. Then work 4-9 that day. Then Wednesday I have my SED lesson plans and accommodations due and that same day I am having dinner with Lindsey and maybe be with Andrew too. She said they were hanging out later that night so I told her she could bring him along for supper if she wanted to. I am making Italian pot roast that night. Very exciting. I like hanging out with her. She is fun.

I am feeling much better since Wednesday. I have been busy but happy. I haven't been hurting and I have been hanging out with Lindsey. I don't know what it is but this started out as a very sucky week and is ending quite well. All the work I got done Tuesday really put me ahead so that last night I didn't have any homework and I could just cuddle with Garret. Then tonight I will have to do homework again cause I will have so much going on Monday. I need to have my accommodations ready for my meeting and I have an essay due in American texts that day. I also need to remember that I have to have Schools without labels read by Friday. Only having one day of work should really help with that. I can read it Monday after doing the stuff for Tuesday and then after my meeting. Then I can read it Tuesday after doing the reading for Wednesday and after work. Then Wednesday I can do the reading before and after SED and after dinner. Then I have all day Thursday to work on all the stuff I am turning in Friday and to finish the book. Then I have the whole weekend off. Life is busy but not as busy as last semester. And it is awesome.

Now if I can just hold onto this attitude for another few months. This weekend will be awesome despite work and then next week will be perfect because I will see friends and Garret and have very little work. I don't even care about how poor I will be. Not having to plan homework around work really removes the stress.

I am very excited to have a weekend off. I am planning on seeing Kim and Nick that weekend and maybe Mel too. And of course there is a day for just Garret and me to hang out and relax and do homework too. I will love having a day with Garret all to myself!

Cleaning

I woke up at 7:45 this morning for no reason. I just woke up and could not get back to sleep. I rolled over, I cuddled up to Garret, I buried myself under the blankets, I threw the blankets off. I must have tried everything I could think of a hundred times. Garret's alarm went off at 8 and I thought about getting up. Instead I curled into a ball and tried sleeping on his side of the bed. It was too late. By that time I was completely awake. I just lay in my bed until 8:30 thinking about how I couldn't sleep and there was nothing for me to do. I considered going out into the living room but then I thought about how well that went the last time I tried that. Not to mention I really wasn't in the mood to deal with her and her attitude. I knew that she would be sitting right in the middle of the couch and Garret would be at the end which would force me to sit on the other side of her and talk over her if I wanted to talk to Garret. That or sit on the floor next to him. I thought about texting Garret that I couldn't sleep but it seemed silly to text him while he was right in the next room. So I formulated a plan. I decided today was finally the day that I would clean the very nasty tub and shower that had been grossing me out for weeks. I got up and went to the bathroom. Then after that I got dressed and headed out to the grocery store on main street and bought some cleaner and a sponge and when I returned I got right to work scrubbing that tub. The great thing about cleaning is that it involves scrubbing and really putting your arms into it. It involves working hard and attacking something except that the something you are attacking, it is completely ok to attack it. It felt very good to vent my frustrations. I could scrub and be as angry at that tub as I wanted to be and no one cared. In fact, I could say "Hello, I'm cleaning your apartment do you really want to complain about that right now?" It felt so good to clean the tub that I just kept going. I cleaned the sink and the toilet. Then I went out into the kitchen put the dishes away, washed the ones in the sink, put those away, washed the counter and washed the stove. I still didn't want to stop so next I took the shower curtain down and soaked it in bleach in the sink, washed the mirror in the bathroom, made my bed and put a loud of laundry in the wash. After the curtain had soaked for a while I rinsed it, hung it back up and washed out the sink. This was all before 11:30 today. In fact I had this all finished and I had eaten two donuts before it was 11:30. I am now in the Ed center writing this while the laundry is in the dryer. I almost can't wait to get down with this and go back to attacking the rest of the apartment. I should clean out the fridge, vacuum, clean the litter box, clean my room, and maybe take the trash out too. I don't know why but cleaning like that has made me feel much better about today. I wonder what else I can find to clean in the apartment.

It is probably a little sad but I would rather be cleaning than doing homework right now.

Back to the Drawing Board

I know I don't usually write two long posts in one day but inspiration has struck. I was taking a break from working on my long to do list and decided to look at Facebook for a minute. I happened to click on one of my favorite high school teacher's pages. I was rather upset by his status.

"brains oozing out my ears after too many papers from students who can't follow directions, let alone read and understand a simple story."

The think that upset me wasn't that his students' papers weren't any good. That often happens in high school especially in English classes. I wasn't even upset that he was upset. I would complain too if I had to read awful papers. I think the thing that bothered me was that he was putting all of the blame on his students. Now, I know this teacher pretty well and I know that he models how to write the way he wants you to quite well. He gives you an example to look at and describes what he wants very clearly both before assigning the paper and after. But what if that wasn't enough for some students? What if it isn't that they can't follow directions but that they don't understand his directions? He is also putting the blame on them for not being able to read and comprehend the story. Isn't it his job to teach them how to do that? Maybe this is just my professors talking here but I feel like there is more he could do. I feel like he should go back to the drawing board and find a way to help the students understand better and get better grades. Dr. Grace, Dr. Theresa, Clarissa and Dr. Thorson would all be very disappointed in me if I ever talked like this. Should I make some suggestions to him? Or has he already given up on these students? Is it to late for him and for them?

Female

Have you ever felt a pain in your back and stomach so deep that you think you would have to dig a hole through the midsection of your body in order to get it out? That is how I feel. Why does it hurt so badly? Is this some kind of punishment for my mean thoughts yesterday? Is this really necessary? Does God hate me or something? I really just want to curl up and not move. But I can't. I have a ton of stuff I have to do so that I can work 8 hours on Thursday and not fall behind on my homework. Maybe I can convince work and school that I am dead so that I can not move for a week or so. That would be nice. I really just want to curl up on my bed in just my underwear under a big blanket and watch bad movies and eat a lot of chocolate. Garret and I used to talk about doing that a lot. It sounds really good right now.

Class was good today except for the part where my body decided it really is female. Yep, it always seems to happen when I am in the middle of something. Why is that?

People=Suck

The title says it all. I'm not even sure I should be writing this post today because I don't really think I want to remember this. I dislike people today. I have had random murderous thoughts today. Yeah, not the best day of my life. Not a shiny happy moment.

I was right to begin with. This day shouldn't be remembered. I'm going to go snuggle with my boyfriend. Probably he only person I haven't thought about killing today. I love him just for that.

I May Be Avoiding Homework Right Now

I just got an email from my SED professor saying that my grade to date is a D. Not good. The problem is that there are no due dates or assignments really. Most of the work for that class is optional except for the lesson plans and accommodations. The good news is that her suggest was to pass in assignments and see her. I think it is the see her part that has me a little freaked. I did the math earlier and if I pass in an assignment everyday between now and Thanksgiving I will be back on track very quickly. In fact, unless my calculations are way off I can still be just about done or completely done by then. So why does she want to see me? Is she worried because of how sparsely I have passed in assignments? I mean it isn't like I haven't passed them in at all. And I have been to every class. I also contribute in class discussions every day and have even posted on the discussions page on the class wiki.

I hurt again today. Sometimes being a girl really sucks. A lot. It makes me not want to do much. That and the fact that it is 10:30 at night. I really should be working on my essay that is due Tuesday but I hurt and it is late. I will probably just shower and do it tomorrow. I also have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow to talk about my preregistration. I noticed that my SED professor has sent the same email to my advisor as she sent to me. I wonder if I will get asked about the email tomorrow. Not sure if I want to talk about it or not. It might be good to get another point of view on it.

I also hope that if Nick is reading this he realizes that I too struggle with classes. I just struggle with the ones that don't have due dates. I also hope he notices that I have said I will be working very hard to bring that grade up.

It's Saturday

I feel like keying her car or breaking his guitar. Like seriously? It is completely unnecessary for them to be so loud. We're never loud. Ever. Whether someone is here or not. Consideration should go both ways.

Anyway, moving on. I had a very long and stressful day at work. My stomach and back hurt a lot. We were short one person today because the girl who was supposed to work at the Copy and Print Center called out sick. That meant the manager had to cover that as well as do her stuff and finish tech work our tech didn't get to. I dealt with more people being rude to me then I care to deal with when I am in pain and pmsing. I would really like to unload on someone right now. But I won't. Why? Because I am too nice. I don't know what happened but I don't stick up for myself nearly as much as I should. Maybe I should just be the bitch I really want to be. On top of having horrible customers, being short handed, being in pain and doing tags tonight because it is Saturday we also had to move a ton of stuff off the floor so that the people coming to clean the floors could get under everything with their machines. The store will at least look really good tomorrow.

Power of Song

My feet are tapping,
My head is bobbing,
My hips are swaying.
The beat moves me.
It frees me.
Body
And
Soul.
The drums create the rhythm
Dada boom dada boom dada boom…
The guitar creates the melody
Doodoo do doodoo do doodoo
And it isn’t long before I am singing along.

The power of a song
Isn’t in the drums,
The guitar,
The base
Or the lyrics.
The power comes from
The song’s ability to move you
Mind,
Body,
And Soul.

My Voice

Stand up
And be Recognized.
Listen here.
I am a voice.
One voice,
In a multitude of voices. I,
I speak for me.
My beliefs,
My opinions,
My ideas,
My personal truths.

This is my voice
And I will be heard.

One Voice

Today has been a really good day. Garret and I bought shrimp. french fries and scallops to have for supper. It was all very yummy. We were so excited after buying it that we could not wait to eat it. It was delicious. Then after that I cleaned up and we cuddled on the couch together while he played online and I watched a TV show and read for English. Next we hung out in the bowels of the internet in an attempt to start a new meme before cuddling on our bed and watching Imagine That while cuddling. The night was then topped off with pancakes for me and rice for him. It has been a really good day overall. I wish that more days could be spent like this. Happy, silly, fun and without complications. Life should be that easy. At least sometimes.

My SED professor today said that she wants us to include a self-addressed stamped envelope with our evaluations that we pass in at the end so that she can send us all recommendations. It feels good to be so respected by a professor. It feels good to have someone say that if I keep pushing and working I can create change.

Sometimes I feel like I am one voice in a sea of voices and no matter how hard I yell no one can hear me. No one wants to hear me. I'm the voice of a poor, white trash, girl from Orland, Maine. Who would want to hear from a backwater girl like me? What can I possibly have to say about education, politics, respect, honesty, humanity, ignorance, and more?

It only takes one person to change the course of history. One voice.

I will be heard and I will not be silent. My voice is important. I do have something to say.

Lucky Day

I noticed last night that work screwed up my schedule again. They want me to work 8-1 on Tuesday but I can't cause I have class from 8 to 11:20. They know this. I told them. I wrote them a note saying when I was available. I have not worked a Tuesday morning since school started. What are they doing? I know Andy often copies and pastes old schedules but there is no reason for that to be the cause of this. I am so tired of this. I will have to go yell at them today when I go into work.

In other news, I found out today that my 8 am class on Tuesday is canceled. Too bad that doesn't mean that I can work that morning. I have another class at 9:50. But being able to sleep in Tuesday morning will be nice. I also have a paper due that day in Poetry so extra sleep that morning after doing that paper probably all day Monday will be extremely appreciated.

Nick's birthday is coming up and I have already decided what I will be getting him. I'm picking it up on my way to work today. No hints Nick! I think he will really like it and I am pretty excited. I can't believe he is going to be 18. I can' believe I am a junior in college and that the first semester is already halfway over. Little bit of October left, all of November and a little it of December and then I will be all done. Before I know it it will Thanksgiving, Christmas and then winter break. I wonder if I will be here alone for most of January? That could be good. It might be nice to have the place to myself again for a while anyway. I'm the only one who is really living here full time. Garret and Aimee will be back at home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, winter break, and probably February and April break too. Not really sure where Tim will be. It is so strange to me though that I am out on my own and it feels like the other three think they are too but they're really not. They have beds at home. Beds and bedrooms waiting for them.

I don't understand what that feels like.