Lonely

Playing Free cell to try and keep my mind off you isn't working. Going to take some stuff to knock me out and go to bed. What I really need these days is a distraction at night to keep me from missing you, to keep me from thinking about how quiet it is without you. And to keep me from wondering if you and her are talking long into the night like we used to. I hate missing you.

I am Single

I would like to inform you all that I am single and that two weeks after dumping me, Garret is now seeing Jennie Babb. Is this public enough for you Jennie? Thought about posting this on Facebook but I see you already did that. Thanks.

My First Christmas Being Single

I made it through my first Christmas without you and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. As much as I loved you and as much as I used to think of this as our holiday I find myself glad you're not here. There is no pressure to leave so that we can have our time together. There are no worries about leaving my family too soon or too late. No worries about where I will spend the day or when I will see you. Its just me and Chloe now. And she is happy to be wherever I am.

Never Again

He is seeing someone else and no matter how hard I try I can't convince myself to be ok with this. I can't believe that two weeks after dumping me he is seeing someone else. I can't believe that they posted it on facebook. Maybe they didn't mean to rub it in my face but they are. I hate their bullshit about how sorry they are that they are hurting me. They don't give one little bit about me. I wish they would stop lying to me and to themselves. Neither of them ever cared about me. I can't believe that when I asked him if there was another girl that he said no. I hate the lies. All of them.

The lies about how he would always love me and wouldn't ever be the one to end things. The lies about how he still love me. Obviously you don't because you're seeing someone else. Why couldn't you just stick it out with me? So what if some day in the future you resent me? That means we could have had years longer together. And you took that from me. I guess you just didn't feel that way about me anymore.

I hope you're happy because I am done. I am done with you and your lies. I am done with compromising to make you happy. You asked me to change my facebook status to nothing even though I wanted it to be single. I did it cause I still loved you and it seemed important to you. But she wants to put that you two are in a relationship and thats fine? Why are her feeling more important than mine if you ever cared for me at all? I compromised yet again. Screw that.

No more. I'm not doing anything for you ever again.

Not the One

When you held me
And said I was the one
I guess you didn’t mean the same thing I did.
When I said it to you
I don’t think you knew what you were getting.

I am
Wild
Passionate
Kind
Fun
Life-loving

I wanted
To travel
To see the world
To teach
To love my students
To perform
To share this with someone
To have children
And a home.

I compromised
All of this for you
But it just wasn’t enough
To keep you.

Well good riddance then.

I don’t want me either
If I have to be the girl I was
After all the compromising was done.

I want to be me.
I want the world.
I want life.
I want to take it all in
And drink it all up.
I want to experience it all
With everything I have.

I hope you find what you are looking for
Because I am obviously not it.

Flight

She fell. The wind was roaring in her ears and with her eyes wide open she could see the colors of the rocks flashing by her as gravity took her completely in its grasp. She wasn’t sure how long she fell for, it felt like forever but as she fell something changed. Her racing heart slowed, she felt a sense of calm come over her. Her mind emptied of the thoughts that had been demanding her attention. Time went by but her fall seemed to slow until she stopped. She looked down and saw herself suspended in the air still feet from the bottom where she had been anticipating her doom. She looked up and saw wings. Green transparent wings had sprouted from her back. She was flying. She hovered there a moment enjoying the sensation of flight. Then slowly she stretched her arms towards the heavens and away into skies that were hung heavy with rain clouds.

Since You've Been Gone

Since you’ve been gone
I have hurt more than I thought possible.
I have cried,
I have laughed,
And I have had more fun
Than I have had in a long time.

I used to have
This love for life.
I used to be
wild
And free
And silly
And fun.

I don’t know when I chose to throw that away
For you
But I did.

But since you’ve been gone
I have realized
I want it all back.

And there is nothing stopping me anymore.

Taking Back My Life

I used to worry all the time that someday I would wake up and realize that you were a dream, that you weren't real. You seemed too good to be true to me. And the life we talked about having seemed like a fairy tale. Now it is here. The nightmare has come real. You have left me and now I am all alone. I have to say though, it isn't a nightmare anymore.

I realized something. You will never find another girl like me. There will never be another girl who puts up with your idiosyncrasies like I did. And good luck finding one who is willing to not french kiss. There are a million things out there that I have always wanted to do and I have been worried that I wouldn't have time to do them. I now have all the time in the world. It might be years before I find someone else I am serious about. And honestly I am fine with that. I don't need someone else getting in the way of what I want to do.

I want to do things I will regret. I want to go out with my friends and have a good time. I want to flirt with random guys and feel like I am the sexiest girl alive. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to go to New York. I want to get back to acting and see how far it takes me. I want to be an amazing teacher who loves her students and is absolutely crazy about her job. I want to live somewhere other than Maine for a while. I want to have fun. I want to say and do whatever I want, when I want and as often as I want.

I have been holding back. You once told me that I am a ticking time bomb. I seem to have remembered exactly how that feels. And I like it.

Look out world, here I come.

Since You Been Gone By Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool, but it was all pretend
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
You're dedicated, you took the time
Wasn't long 'til I called you mine
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I picture me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone

How can I put it, you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you been gone (since you been gone)
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know) that I get
I get what I want

Since you been gone
Since you been gone
Since you been gone

Day # 25 The Person I Know Is Going Through the Worst of Times

Dear Me,

When I wrote the list out of all the people I would write these letters for I had planned to write this one for Steve. I had also planned to write them all in as close to a month as I could. Little did I know that I wouldn't finish in a month. Little did I know that I would be writing this letter to me. Yeah.

4 years is a long time to be with the same person. 4 years is a long time to tell someone you love them and that you want to marry them. It's funny how now that we were close to actually tying the knot we are even further away than ever before. How is it that we can plan and plan our lives away but there is always something that happens that ruins all of our plans?

Why does this have to be it? Why does this have to be the thing that breaks us? Kissing, hugging, touching, cuddling, all of it. Those things should be easy. So why did they break us? I don't understand. I was happy with him. Maybe I would have liked to kiss him more, touch him more but that wasn't because I felt neglected. I just liked it. Did he not like it? Why not? He always did before. What is it that made us fight about it? Why did he spend a month one summer not kissing me? Am I a bad kisser? Does he not like kissing? Or does he just no longer want to be kissing me? Maybe he never really liked me all that much in first place? Maybe I was in love with him and he wasn't in love with me?

I keep going over every fight we ever had and everything he said to me in the end. I keep trying to figure out why it didn't work. I don't understand. We fought a lot in the dorms. Over stupid stuff. Now we had been living for a long time together in our apartment and we fought rarely but somehow... this is the end.

I keep telling myself that things obviously weren't as great as I thought they were or he wouldn't have broken things off. But I keep going back to the fight we had over Thanksgiving. I feel like thats why he called it off. He said it was part of this but not the cause, he said this caused that fight. But that was one fight and I wanted to take back everything as soon as I said it. I don't even know why I said it. Maybe if I hadn't said it we would still be together.

All I know for sure is I want him back. I don't think he will ever be mine again though. And I am convinced that I will be alone. I was prepared to be alone before he came along. Now it is hard to go back to that. I haven't been alone for 4 years. I forget how to be alone.

Good Luck
Me

Naphtali's Fall

She stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down. It was then that a gentle voice cooed to her. She recognized it as the voice of an old friend,

“Are you in or are you out?” he said. “It won’t matter either way, but the fall will be breathtaking and the view is to die for.”

Her mouth curled into a small coy smile as the wind gently whipped her hair around her face. She moved the strands from her lips before whispering in response,
“Sounds like my kind of adventure.”

“That is all life is you know. A long fall to the inevitable end. The world rushes by us in a whirl wind of colors, sights and feelings. It is out of these quick sensations that occasionally we pull out tiny scenes of breathtaking beauty. They stop our hearts and for a moment we feel the fall stop and time has frozen.”

She stepped closer to the edge, her toes hanging off. She closed her eyes and spread her arms out like the wings of a bird. She whispered again,

“Good bye old friend. See you at the bottom.”

The Fall

Sometimes I see myself as standing on the edge of a cliff. And I am looking down at the bottom. Everyone is afraid I am going to jump. But all I can think is "The fall would be breathtaking and the view... the view is to die for." That seems exhilarating to me. Perhaps hitting bottom wouldn't be so bad?

After all, what is life but a fall to our deaths through which we must try to grasp at tiny scenes of breathtaking beauty?

Why

"for whatever reason we got stuck in a loop where you were sure i "clearly didn't want you" and that caused more stress for me, because whenever anything intimate game up i felt pressured to make up for it and convince you otherwise. i wasn't horny. i don't know why. i can't be with you or marry you with issues like that. that's why i said i was leaving and going to try to find someone else. maybe for a short relationship/fling or maybe for a long one, if i ended up really happy there. i don't know what will happen but i need to figure this out. i was constantly turning you down and letting you down in the bedroom and i absolutely HATED myself for it. i need to see what it's like with someone else who i care about. i need to figure out why i ended up this way, or if it's just who i am. maybe i should have done this a year ago when the kissing thing first became a huge issue
i need this. and it's the most fair thing to you too, in the long run. you don't want to be with a guy who hates himself and feels inadequate"

I didn't think you clearly didn't want me. I thought that maybe I wasn't turning you on and I want to work on that with you. Or for you to say if there was something about me that didn't turn you on. I didn't want you to feel pressured or like you had to make it up to me. I just wanted to be able to be intimate with you. I don't know why I couldn't be. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't care about any of this stuff. I have been happier with you than I can ever remember being in my entire life. I can't believe that you didn't know that.

Day 6

Day six of being single sucks too. I had a melt down yesterday. More like many melt downs. I cried, well more like sobbed while mom held me. Then she gave me some drugs to help me sleep. It feels like I spend all day every day crying and like I am never going to stop. Today I spent with mom and with Alice. Went out and picked up a gift for David, then got some more cat litter for Chloe and then watched a movie and ate pizza with Alice. We talked for a while about how much everything sucks. I miss him.

I miss him.

He Was Unhappy

I sent him a text message.

"Please take me back? I don't want to live without you."

"That isn't something I can do right now. I need to see if I can be happy somewhere else. I wish this was easier but I can't do anything to help you through this."

"Why can't you be happy with me? Whats wrong with me? Why don't you want me? I have tried to tell myself that I understand but I don't. I thought you were happy."

"I told you what the main issues were. I don't want to get into everything again. It was making me unhappy."

I bent over backwards for him and he was still not happy with me.

We Are SUpposed to Be... But We Aren't

We are supposed to be spending this time looking at apartments for the fall. And teasing each other about Christmas presents. We are supposed to be cuddling on the couch together and watching tv as you are finishing up your finals. We are supposed to be talking about me student teaching. I am supposed to be nervous and excited for it. We are supposed to be making plans for how we will spend our day Christmas day. You were supposed to be buying me gifts, leaving me wondering if this would be when you would finally pop the question. We are supposed to be thinking about getting married and planning the rest of our lives together.

Instead you are sleeping in the other room. I am spending my nights and days sobbing. I no longer want to do anything. My ambition is gone. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday and when December hit and the snow started to fall I couldn't wait to buy gifts for you. Instead I am returning all of your gifts and wishing the holiday didn't even exist. I am looking at my friends' profiles and seeing them in their gowns and wishing marriage didn't exist. Instead of being in your arms I am alone in my bed cuddling a stuffed animal my ex gave to me.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

Hurry Up

Just hurry up and go out and date and then realize you want to come back to me. This is taking too long and is absolute agony.

Everything is Destroyed But The World Keeps Turning

Every thing has hanged and yet the world keeps going. I wish it wouldn't. I wish it would hold still. I wish that I didn't have to keep going on with my life. I don't have him anymore and it feels like all of my drive and confidence and strength left with him. Student teaching looms just over the horizon and all I can think is, "I can't do it without him." I was counting on him to help me through like he has for so long now. I was counting on him to remind me that I do need to eat and sleep and take time to just relax. I was counting on him to remind me that the world is a good place. I was counting on so many things. How can I do this without him?

I am starting all over again and I don't know where to begin.

I don't know how to be without him.

Day 5 Of Being Alone

May have actually managed to get 8 hours of sleep. However also tossed and turned all night and woke up repeatedly. No sobbing though. Just a mild amount of tears. But I think that has more to do with hanging out with Zach and talking to Steve on the phone than anything else. I have amazing friends. I will never forget that about any of them. Its nice to know that I have so many people who care so very much about me.

Everybody keeps telling me that there are other guys out there. Starting to feel like I need to let go. But I also know I can't yet. I went and asked Garret last night if he was ok because his status worried me. And he said he was. We talked a little about stuff. And he said it was good that we were trying to be friends and I said to him, "I don't want to be your friend." I had to leave at that point. I couldn't take it anymore. But I know it is true. He may have been my best friend while we were dating but that doesn't mean that I just want to be friends. Yeah, definitely not ready to let him go.

Made a list last night of things I wouldn't put up with in my next relationship.
1) Never again will I date a guy without a car
2) No more really really smart guys who have to analyze everything because somehow there must be some reason for everything and you can't just feel something.
3) No more guys who won't french kiss me. The next guy I date is going to want to make outwith all the time and use as much tongue as I want him to.
4) No more guys who don't want sex as much as I do. I want a guy who when I grab him and kiss him and push him on the bed doesn't think, "This is nice but I'm not in the mood."

I don't have to feel like I am not sex, not desirable. I don't have to rely on my friends telling me they want me to feel good about myself. Someone who actually enjoys my body. I don't have to try and explain everything I am feeling to them. I can just be sad because I feel sad sometimes and they will be ok with it. And someone who wants to drive me places sometimes. And who is willing to drive out of their for me sometimes. And who understands that it is never too much money or gas money to drive to see the person you love. Someone with whom that feeling of wanting to do anything just to get more time is mutual.

Maybe I just need to focus on these things and I will not feel so sad. Maybe if I stop thinking about the pain and the sorrow and all the things I should be doing in my life right now instead of mourning the loss of my relationship then maybe I will feel better. Maybe if I keep busy enough I will feel better.

Again, love my friends. Thanks to Zach for staying out hanging out and talking with me till 1:30 am last night. Thanks to Steve for letting me return his call checking in on me at 2 am last night. Thanks to Alice who I am seeing Tuesday evening and to Mel who I will see Thursday. And thanks to work for giving me something to do to keep me busy. Today is the only day this week that I am not doing something. We'll have to see how it goes.

Is Today the Day?

In my head there is this scene where you knock on my door I say come in. You grab me and kiss me hard and look into my eyes. And there are tears in yours. And you say, "I am so sorry. I never meant any of it. It is all over. I want you back. I realize now that I can't live without you. Please, Dani, please take me back?"

Every time I come home from work. Every time I lay in bed crying in the dark with the door closed, feeling you listening on the other side I imagine this. Every day, I think today is the day. Today he will say it. Today he will hug me and hold me close and kiss me and we will cry in happiness. And every thing will be alright again.

Is today that day?

Immeasurable Sorrow

I can't find the words anymore. The only sounds my throat can make is sobs and half taking heaving breathes. Each sentence here is painful like trying to breathe while your running and that stitch in your side cuts into you and the cool air hurts your lungs. Yeah, I hope that metaphor makes sense.

In my head are only half finished phrases repeated over and over again as yet more tears find their way down my cheeks. If I was a mountain I would have deep crevices from where the water fell repeatedly. And I keep thinking that I can't possibly cry anymore and yet the tears just keep coming. Each time the phrases in my head make another circuit more salty tears run down my cheeks, my nose, my mouth.

"Take me back."
"Please hold me"
"Please tell me you're sorry."
"Please make it stop."
"Make the pain go away."
"I love you so much."
"Why?"
"Don't do this."
"I'm sorry"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
and finally,
"I hate you." I know I don't mean this last one but it is so hard to not hate. To not want to scream and throw things and tear the world to pieces. Because honestly, what can possibly be left in the world for me when you are gone from my life? What future can I possibly have without you?

You promised you would never be the one to end things. You lied. You said you would be there for as long as I wanted you. You lied. You lied. You Lied. You LIED!

You said you would always be there for me. You can't be there for me now. No one holds me while my whole body shakes with sobs, while my lungs repeatedly try to gasp for air and fail again and again and again. No one. Instead I lay in bed in the dark every night crying and trying to stifle the moans into my blankets and pillows, trying to gasp for air, hoping to fall asleep if only to have the short relief of sweet nothingness for a little while, hoping to not feel the pain for just a little while.

My entire body hurts. My stomach is tied into knots so tight that nothing helps it. I spent the first night running to the bathroom with diarrhea. My body feels weak and shaky. My hands shake. I speak too fast to try to hide the trembling. I smile bigger to hide the fact that I can't smile.

I feel like Bella when Edward leaves her. She woke up every night from the same nightmare, screaming and crying and writhing in agony. There is a deep black hole in her chest where her heart used to be and it clenches in agony every time she thinks of him. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to think. I feel like Bella. Reading and writing and mindless games of solitaire just to keep my mind busy so I can't think. Big black empty hole right where my heart is. And pain. Always pain.

Please take me back? Please? I'll do anything. Anything. Please?

Gone

I am so tired. I can't breathe. I can't remember the last time but I am sure it didn't feel like this. Just want it to be over with. Maybe I should try sleeping again. I have ice cream in the fridge. I forgot about it. Not hungry. Wasn't hungry when I bought it but figured it was something to eat. So cold.

Letting Go

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

Day # 24 The Person That Gave Me My Favorite Memory

Dear Garret,

There are a lot of memories that I will always treasure with you. The night you sent me your story and I knew I was the girl in the sand, the night you told me you loved me, the night you asked me out, the first time you kissed me, the many times we "ran away to Canada" together or to Poland, the first night we slept in the same bed together, our first night in our new apartment, and of course, our last Christmas together. It was just about perfect. It was just us at home snuggling, unwrapping gifts and watching House for hours. But none of these are my favorite. My favorite memory is of us cuddling on our bed just as happy as we could be because we just realized that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We were looking at each other and smiling and I was crying I was so happy. We had only been dating 9 months but I knew then and there that I never wanted another man, ever.

I will never forget the way you held me closed and whispered to me. I will never forget how could you smelled or how good it felt to be held so close by you. I won't forget kissing you and telling you, "You're the one."

You're the One, Garret.

Dani

Day # 23 The Last Person I Kissed

Dear Garret,

Yep, I'm I not cheating on you. You are the person I kissed most recently, the last person I kissed. I hope that you will be the only man I will ever kiss again. I love you. And I truly think that you are the only person out there for me. I have never loved someone more than I love you. I care about you so much. You make me happier than i have ever been in my entire life. You are my best friend and I am allowed to kiss you, tell touch you, hold you and tell you my deepest darkest secrets. Nothing could be better. I hope you know that you and your happiness are the most important things in the world to me. And I am sorry if sometimes it seems like I forget that.I can't deny that sometimes I am not the best girlfriend in the world to you. But I am working on it. I promise. And we are going to have an amazing life together.

Love Always,

Dani