We are supposed to be spending this time looking at apartments for the fall. And teasing each other about Christmas presents. We are supposed to be cuddling on the couch together and watching tv as you are finishing up your finals. We are supposed to be talking about me student teaching. I am supposed to be nervous and excited for it. We are supposed to be making plans for how we will spend our day Christmas day. You were supposed to be buying me gifts, leaving me wondering if this would be when you would finally pop the question. We are supposed to be thinking about getting married and planning the rest of our lives together.
Instead you are sleeping in the other room. I am spending my nights and days sobbing. I no longer want to do anything. My ambition is gone. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday and when December hit and the snow started to fall I couldn't wait to buy gifts for you. Instead I am returning all of your gifts and wishing the holiday didn't even exist. I am looking at my friends' profiles and seeing them in their gowns and wishing marriage didn't exist. Instead of being in your arms I am alone in my bed cuddling a stuffed animal my ex gave to me.
Merry Fucking Christmas.
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