Immeasurable Sorrow

I can't find the words anymore. The only sounds my throat can make is sobs and half taking heaving breathes. Each sentence here is painful like trying to breathe while your running and that stitch in your side cuts into you and the cool air hurts your lungs. Yeah, I hope that metaphor makes sense.

In my head are only half finished phrases repeated over and over again as yet more tears find their way down my cheeks. If I was a mountain I would have deep crevices from where the water fell repeatedly. And I keep thinking that I can't possibly cry anymore and yet the tears just keep coming. Each time the phrases in my head make another circuit more salty tears run down my cheeks, my nose, my mouth.

"Take me back."
"Please hold me"
"Please tell me you're sorry."
"Please make it stop."
"Make the pain go away."
"I love you so much."
"Why?"
"Don't do this."
"I'm sorry"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
and finally,
"I hate you." I know I don't mean this last one but it is so hard to not hate. To not want to scream and throw things and tear the world to pieces. Because honestly, what can possibly be left in the world for me when you are gone from my life? What future can I possibly have without you?

You promised you would never be the one to end things. You lied. You said you would be there for as long as I wanted you. You lied. You lied. You Lied. You LIED!

You said you would always be there for me. You can't be there for me now. No one holds me while my whole body shakes with sobs, while my lungs repeatedly try to gasp for air and fail again and again and again. No one. Instead I lay in bed in the dark every night crying and trying to stifle the moans into my blankets and pillows, trying to gasp for air, hoping to fall asleep if only to have the short relief of sweet nothingness for a little while, hoping to not feel the pain for just a little while.

My entire body hurts. My stomach is tied into knots so tight that nothing helps it. I spent the first night running to the bathroom with diarrhea. My body feels weak and shaky. My hands shake. I speak too fast to try to hide the trembling. I smile bigger to hide the fact that I can't smile.

I feel like Bella when Edward leaves her. She woke up every night from the same nightmare, screaming and crying and writhing in agony. There is a deep black hole in her chest where her heart used to be and it clenches in agony every time she thinks of him. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to think. I feel like Bella. Reading and writing and mindless games of solitaire just to keep my mind busy so I can't think. Big black empty hole right where my heart is. And pain. Always pain.

Please take me back? Please? I'll do anything. Anything. Please?