Dear Me,
When I wrote the list out of all the people I would write these letters for I had planned to write this one for Steve. I had also planned to write them all in as close to a month as I could. Little did I know that I wouldn't finish in a month. Little did I know that I would be writing this letter to me. Yeah.
4 years is a long time to be with the same person. 4 years is a long time to tell someone you love them and that you want to marry them. It's funny how now that we were close to actually tying the knot we are even further away than ever before. How is it that we can plan and plan our lives away but there is always something that happens that ruins all of our plans?
Why does this have to be it? Why does this have to be the thing that breaks us? Kissing, hugging, touching, cuddling, all of it. Those things should be easy. So why did they break us? I don't understand. I was happy with him. Maybe I would have liked to kiss him more, touch him more but that wasn't because I felt neglected. I just liked it. Did he not like it? Why not? He always did before. What is it that made us fight about it? Why did he spend a month one summer not kissing me? Am I a bad kisser? Does he not like kissing? Or does he just no longer want to be kissing me? Maybe he never really liked me all that much in first place? Maybe I was in love with him and he wasn't in love with me?
I keep going over every fight we ever had and everything he said to me in the end. I keep trying to figure out why it didn't work. I don't understand. We fought a lot in the dorms. Over stupid stuff. Now we had been living for a long time together in our apartment and we fought rarely but somehow... this is the end.
I keep telling myself that things obviously weren't as great as I thought they were or he wouldn't have broken things off. But I keep going back to the fight we had over Thanksgiving. I feel like thats why he called it off. He said it was part of this but not the cause, he said this caused that fight. But that was one fight and I wanted to take back everything as soon as I said it. I don't even know why I said it. Maybe if I hadn't said it we would still be together.
All I know for sure is I want him back. I don't think he will ever be mine again though. And I am convinced that I will be alone. I was prepared to be alone before he came along. Now it is hard to go back to that. I haven't been alone for 4 years. I forget how to be alone.
Good Luck
Me
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