May have actually managed to get 8 hours of sleep. However also tossed and turned all night and woke up repeatedly. No sobbing though. Just a mild amount of tears. But I think that has more to do with hanging out with Zach and talking to Steve on the phone than anything else. I have amazing friends. I will never forget that about any of them. Its nice to know that I have so many people who care so very much about me.
Everybody keeps telling me that there are other guys out there. Starting to feel like I need to let go. But I also know I can't yet. I went and asked Garret last night if he was ok because his status worried me. And he said he was. We talked a little about stuff. And he said it was good that we were trying to be friends and I said to him, "I don't want to be your friend." I had to leave at that point. I couldn't take it anymore. But I know it is true. He may have been my best friend while we were dating but that doesn't mean that I just want to be friends. Yeah, definitely not ready to let him go.
Made a list last night of things I wouldn't put up with in my next relationship.
1) Never again will I date a guy without a car
2) No more really really smart guys who have to analyze everything because somehow there must be some reason for everything and you can't just feel something.
3) No more guys who won't french kiss me. The next guy I date is going to want to make outwith all the time and use as much tongue as I want him to.
4) No more guys who don't want sex as much as I do. I want a guy who when I grab him and kiss him and push him on the bed doesn't think, "This is nice but I'm not in the mood."
I don't have to feel like I am not sex, not desirable. I don't have to rely on my friends telling me they want me to feel good about myself. Someone who actually enjoys my body. I don't have to try and explain everything I am feeling to them. I can just be sad because I feel sad sometimes and they will be ok with it. And someone who wants to drive me places sometimes. And who is willing to drive out of their for me sometimes. And who understands that it is never too much money or gas money to drive to see the person you love. Someone with whom that feeling of wanting to do anything just to get more time is mutual.
Maybe I just need to focus on these things and I will not feel so sad. Maybe if I stop thinking about the pain and the sorrow and all the things I should be doing in my life right now instead of mourning the loss of my relationship then maybe I will feel better. Maybe if I keep busy enough I will feel better.
Again, love my friends. Thanks to Zach for staying out hanging out and talking with me till 1:30 am last night. Thanks to Steve for letting me return his call checking in on me at 2 am last night. Thanks to Alice who I am seeing Tuesday evening and to Mel who I will see Thursday. And thanks to work for giving me something to do to keep me busy. Today is the only day this week that I am not doing something. We'll have to see how it goes.
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