RUNNING!

January of 2013 I made a New Year's resolution to climb Katahdin. In order to get fit enough the accomplish this goal I bought myself some workout clothes, downloaded a calorie tracker on my phone and then signed up for a monthly gym membership.

My workout routine was 3 times a week. I would come home from work, cook us a quick dinner, and then I would jump in the car and drive to Bangor to meet Devan for our workout. We did everything there. We walked on the treadmill, we did the elliptical, we rode the bikes, we tried the arc trainer, and we tried the circuit training they have set up.

In the end our favorite thing was running. We hated the fact that afterwards we were too tired to move. But we felt sexier. Thinner. Lighter. So we kept doing it. We saw major results. I was down to 174 by the end of March. This was the thinnest I had been since senior year of college and I loved it.

We felt so good we signed up for a 5K. Unfortunately, Devan ended up injured right before race day and so I had to run the race by myself. It was hard. It was grueling. I am pretty sure I did more walking than running. But the other runners. Man, oh man.... the other runners were superb. They cheered me on. They stopped and ran beside me. A couple of ladies got tired and we finished the race together. It was the best feeling in the world when I crossed that finish line. I celebrated with a fried cheese melt and by signing up to do another 5K. 

Eventually Devan went to Scotland. When she came back we were no longer in a good routine. Things fell apart and we both ate the weight back on. I managed to complete my second 5K and do a decent job. The race was again amazing and for a while they inspired me to keep working on running. But it just didn't stick.

I did not return to the gym. At the end of November of 2013 I was horrified to step on a scale and realize I weighed 185. I had not only gained back every pound I had ever lost but I had gained 5 more pounds on top of that. I tried to go back to the gym. I went for a month. I tried this new app I had downloaded on my phone, C25K. Couch to 5K in just weeks was the advertisement. I hated it. every night I would leave the gym more exhausted than the last. I dreaded going to the gym. I fell asleep in the car on the ride home. I fell asleep in the shower, standing up. I didn't lose a single pound.  Clearly something was wrong.

I stopped going again. I figured that until I figured out how to go to the gym without feeling like shit every time I left there was no point in going. Not to mention my gym buddy was no longer in the state. The gym was no longer fun.

For a month I didn't step foot in the gym. Then I picked myself up and started going again. It's hard to make time to go to the gym. It is hard to watch what I eat carefully and to measure portions correctly. It is hard to get on the treadmill and see others running as fast as they can beside you while you struggle to breathe after 30 seconds of running.

But it is harder still to know that I was on my way to having a body I felt proud of. To know that for months I walked around with knees that were pain free. To know that I sleep better when I keep active. It is harder to look in the mirror and feel like you are a skinny person who is buried underneath a mound of fat.

When I went back to the gym I decided I would no longer do any running. My cousin is a physical therapist and my close-friend is a massage therapist. They both told me that running would be awful for my legs and that unless I had consent from my doctor I shouldn't even be trying it.

Secretly, I disagreed. My knees had never felt better than when I had spent all those months running. But I knew I had lost all the strength I had spent months building up in them so I listened.

For months now I have been doing working on both cardio and on strengthening my legs. Today I did ten minutes of yoga and tonight I strapped on my running shoes.

It was hard. I think I ran down the street a total of 30 seconds before my stomach cramped, my throat and tongue burned, and my legs felt devoid of oxygen completely. But I ran. I ran/walked for 12 minutes, for a total of 0.7 miles before I decided I should go in, sit down and breathe. For that time I felt good. The air smelled sweet and warm. The wind caressed my face. And all sounds were drowned out by the music blasting through my ear buds.

I am a runner.

The End of Year Two

So I have done it! I have managed to complete a second year of teaching. Or almost. Last day of school is June 18th. Only 13 school days left. It is going to be over before I know it.

I feel like I am standing at the beginning of something. This happened to me last year too. I got such high hopes for the summer right before it started. Last year, the first thing I did was take some time off. I figured I could afford to do nothing for a while. So I did. Then Garrett and I ventured off to Martha's Vineyard. When we got back I celebrated my birthday. And before I knew it, it was July. I tended to spend more time watching TV, reading or cleaning than doing anything else.

So this year my feelings about the summer are mixed. I have some plans put together already to work on things for next year. I have a workshop I am presenting with some colleagues of mine at the end of the month, then at the end of July I have a workshop on putting together MCL units and I have plans to meet with my team teacher (a lot!) to tweak and put together new units for next year. I also have some adventures lined up. I am going zip lining for my birthday and I am going to see Boston perform! I have a few other things I would like to do that I have put off for forever. Like writing, reading books, getting into a good fitness routine again, and doing some serious cleaning around the apartment. These plans are exciting and I look forward to them!

However, I remember what happened last year. I got so excited for summer. I made plans to get so many things accomplished. What ended up happening was good but it wasn't what I had hoped for. I was bored. I was lonely.

During the school year I don't mind things being just Garrett, Chloe and I. I don't mind dividing my time between them, school and family. I love the life I lead. But during the summer last year I slowly but surely lost all the friends who lived near me. And this year is not shaping up much better. If I am not careful I am going to end up spending the majority of my summer inside waiting for Garrett to get home from work. If I am not careful I am going to end up bored, lonely, and miserable.

I need a plan. I need a schedule. When will I go to the gym? When will I see friends? When will I write? When will I work on things for the next school year? When will I read(both professional and personal)? When will I go on adventures? How will I find ways to get outside? How late will I sleep? How will I get myself up and going in the morning so that I don't feel groggy during the day? And what will I eat every day?

And maybe.... even though I told Garrett I didn't.... maybe I do need friends who live closer.

But honestly? How does a person make friends when they no longer have classes? How do adults, who aren't in school, make friends?

I love the friends I have. Maybe that is part of the problem. No one else could ever be half as amazing as the friends I already have and so I don't even bother trying to make more.

Or maybe I am just afraid. I am so painfully shy. No one seems to know this. But it is hard for me to open up to people. It can take years. Everyone thinks that I am confident. No one seems to notice the way I shut up when ever I am surrounded by people I don't know. Or the way my hands shake and jerk when I have to eat or drink in front of strangers. No one seems to notice the way I pick at my food when I am nervous. Or the way I rub the sweat from my palms on my pants. No one seems to notice that when I do speak I am extra loud and giggly because the adrenaline is coursing through my veins. Or the way I am breathing and trying to slow my racing heartbeat. There are butterflies in my stomach and it hurts so much I am pretty sure I could be sick at any moment but no one seems to notice that either.

No. I am a good little actress who hides her symptoms behind lies. "I am just taking everything in."  "Oh, thank you but I'm not hungry." "You learn more when you listen than you do when you speak."

Hurricane or Drizzle?

I love John Green. In his book, Looking for Alaska, Pudge says, "...if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." I must have read this one line five times. God, I want to be that girl. I want to be a hurricane. I realize that the girl Pudge is referring to is a hot mess but she is a lot of other things too. She is alive. She is vibrant. She is funny. She is smart. She is adventurous. She is dangerous. She is stronger than she thinks. And she is unforgettable. 

I used to be that girl. But lately... I feel more like drizzle. I feel like the violets, crimsons, and cyans of my life have dulled and muted. I feel bland. It's the same thing day in and day out. I get up. I work. I come home. I go to the gym. I watch tv. I sleep. Repeat. On my days off I work or clean house. Where is my adventure? Where are the days of jumping in the puddles gone? Where are the long car rides to no where with the windows down and the music blaring? Where are the sunsets streaked with fiery orange and neon pinks? Where are the mountains I used to hike? What happened to dancing? And to making love until the sun the came up? 

What happened to the girl who I loved? 

A long time ago I went on a mission to find me again. What I found was a fierce, independent, hurricane. How did she become drizzle? Where is my fire? My passion? Where is my sense of adventure? Has it been hibernating through the long winter months waiting till summer to go back? Or did I lose myself in someone else again? 

That's what I fear. Maybe I have forgotten her again. 

Either way the question in my heart is stil, "how do I get her back?"

Feeling Discouraged

January 1, 2013 I made a New Years Resolution. I decided that I had accomplished my goal of becoming a teacher and so it was time to set a new goal. On my way to becoming a teacher I was very unhealthy. I did not make healthy eating choices, I never worked out, and certainly did not always follow the directions of my physical therapist. I put those things on hold so I could work harder on getting my dream job. I spent all my free time working towards that goal. But now that I had achieved that goal it was time to fix the havoc I had wreaked on my body. From January to April I did amazing. I counted calories. I ate better. I went to the gym 3 times a week. I lost 6 pounds. I was feeling great and I was looking good! But then my support system, my gym buddy went on a trip out of the country and we never got back on track. I kept trying to but I kept falling off the wagon. In July the pain in my left knee returned and a new pain in my right knee began. I went back to see my physical therapist who helped me rebuild my knee strength. But of course she reminded me of one of the reasons why I was going to the gym in the first place. My mobility. Being 24 and unable to walk comfortably is not ok. I started an account here on SparkPeople to try and revitalize my workout efforts. It didn't last. I am a teacher. School started back up in September. I have returned to the gym. I went 3 weeks calculating calories and going to the gym regularly. But then my period hit an every part of my body hurt and I fell right back off the wagon. Since then i have been so busy and stressed about school that I almost feel guilty going to the gym instead of working. I just feel overwhelmed.

Leaving Him Waiting

Today I leave town for 2 nights and 3 days for a teacher workshop at Sunday River. I get to go there, stay in a hotel room, and have everything paid for. All I have to do is show up, listen, learn, and be prepared to share when school starts back up. I think I am going to learn a lot.

However, I'm nervous. Any time I leave home to stay in a strange place by myself I am nervous. I have never stayed in a hotel room alone before. Garrett has always been there with me. I am going with another teacher but I don't know her very well. I suppose this means I will be getting to know her very quickly though. That could be good since our classrooms are right next to each other. I should know her better. I just don't interact with a lot of the other teachers much cause I live in my own little bubble.

I am also gearing up to be away from Garrett for a couple of days. I know I am going to miss him. Especially since I won't know anyone else there. I am sure I will be a little bit lonely. I miss him every time he is gone. I find myself checking my phone constantly. I try to not text him first but to wait for him to text me. Usually he is the one who is off on a trip somewhere and I just don't want to bug him when I know he is hanging out with his friends. But this time I am the one leaving on a trip.

I find myself wondering if he will come home to an empty apartment and wonder how to spend his time. I wonder if he will sit and watch things online or on netflix. I wonder if he will check his phone and Facebook constantly looking for an update from me. I wonder if when he goes to bed he will snuggle up to my pillow like I snuggle up to his when he is gone. I wonder if he will toss and turn for hours before falling asleep because the bed just feels too big. I wonder if he will sit at home on Tuesday watching the clock and waiting for me to walk in the door.

I never feel like he misses me when he is gone. I always try to spend as much time with him as I can before he leaves. He never seems to notice.

Last night we crawled into bed together and for the first time in I don't know how long he pulled me in close to snuggle. I was laying there and I knew that it was because I was leaving. I felt like he might actually miss me. He held me all night while we slept. Something he hasn't done since... since before we moved here. So a year? Maybe longer.

I loved every minute of it. I loved waking up to his arms still around me.

I think this is different for him. He isn't used to being the one left behind. I wonder if he is realizing how different it is to be the one waiting at home.

Summer Time

I am finally a teacher. I managed to survive my first year teaching 7th grade ELA and Reading. Yes, I forgot until now that in middle school they separate English into two subjects. It creates an interesting conundrum and it means seeing the same kids two or more times a day sometimes. That is alright though. It also means fewer names to learn and more to keep me busy.

Now however it is summer. I was so excited for it. I had big plans. So many big plans. Lots of traveling, lots of swimming, some hiking, some 5ks, some work, some reading, some writing. I thought, "Man I haven't had time off in such a long time! I think I will take this time and enjoy it." HA!

I never realized until now how bad I am at relaxing. I am terrible at it. I am also terrible at self-motivating. I can not for the life of me maintain a decent sleep schedule. Sometimes I get up at 5:30 easy as pie and other days I can't manage to open my eyes before 10 am. I thought I would have a routine by now. A decent amount of time to devout to everything I wanted to accomplish! Ha! Not at all. I make plans. I do housework. If there are no plans or I do not feel like doing housework because of the heat then I stay at home and read or watch a movie. Most days the only time I get out of the house is when I go eat lunch with Garrett in the parking lot at his work.

I am enjoying a lot of it. I have read 5 books. I have been to Martha's Vineyard. I went to Damarscotta Lake State Park. Garrett and I went to Fort Knox and to see Buck's Grave. We went to Old Orchard Beach. We found two nice places to swim near here and have been to one frequently. We celebrated my birthday and have been visited by friends from out of town.

I think Garrett is getting tired of me being home though. He enjoys having me here when he gets home. But he gets home and it's like I have been waiting for him all day. Cause I have. He is exhausted and just wants to relax. I'm not. I am bored out of my mind.

Garrett says I need more friends to spend time with. My friends say I need a new hobby to keep me busy. I think it might be a little of both. Or maybe I should have taken a summer job after all.

The Forever Sleep

There was a night not long ago that I lay in bed trying to sleep. I remember closing my eyes and thinking about how some old people die in their sleep. They close their eyes and somehow in their sleep they drift out of their bodies to never return again. It has always made me wonder what it is that holds us here. How do we stay in our bodies when often it seems much easier to just leave them?

It was then I closed my eyes and slowed my breathing. I slowed the beating of my heart. I tried to gently push my soul out of my body.

I don't know if I did this out of a real desire to die or more out of a curiosity. Could someone my age, 24, die in their sleep? Could my heart and lungs just stop working? Can a person will themselves to die? Why not? They say a person can will themselves to live.

I have many happy things in my life.

I really do like my job 90% of the time. It is hard. It is time consuming. And it is at times life draining. However, then a kid learns something, or says and does something that makes me realize I really am having an impact of some kind. I really am getting through to them somewhere.

I really do love my boyfriend. He manages to make me smile even on my darkest days. I can count on him to take care of me when I am sick. To comfort me when I am afraid. And to let me vent when I need to. He is my best friend and my partner in crime. I say, "Let's go" and he asks, "Where to?". I have never felt more like me or more free than I do when I am with him.

I have some really great friends. Friends who would do anything for me just to see me smile.

I should be less willing to leave it.

The Real Me

All of us are made up of different parts. We are different things at different moments.

I am a dutiful daughter.
When I play this part I listen intently as my mother complains about my brother. I try to console her and convince her not to worry. Everything will be alright. I do as I am told and get the oil in my car changed. I drive hours for family events and get togethers. I help clean up after dinner. I watch the dogs. I watch my brothers.

I am a teacher.
I pretend I have confidence. I hide the fear making my quake inside. I turn the butterflies in my stomach into energy. I crack jokes to ease tension. I send misbehaving students to the principals office and give out detentions. I dread calling parents but when pressed by students I act as though calling their mom is no big deal to me. I listen intently to what other teachers have to say in the teachers room and I keep my mouth shut.

I am a good girlfriend.
I cook dinner. I clean the apartment. I offer to rub his back and shoulders when they hurt. I do the laundry. I make his favorite meal to cheer him up. I bring him his lunch so he doesn't have to worry about it the night before. I tell him I love him. I sit and enjoy his favorite things with him.

I am a best friend.
I offer advice and comforting words. I encourage. I praise. I thank. I hold her as she cries. I say nothing when my advice is ignored. But when it blows up in her face I say, "I told you!" I laugh. I joke. I make funny faces.

But this is me around new people.
I watch as they laugh and play. As they crack jokes. I hear the witty banter. But I am counting the minutes until I may leave. I am counting the minutes until I may return home. Home to my cat and my love. To the place where I am free. Every minute of pretending to be me is painful. Every laugh, every joke, every smile feels forced. I am forever playing a part while the real me cowers inside.

My New Years Resolution

I posted this in January of this year in another blog. I am deleting this other blog.

My New Years resolution this year is to climb Mount Katahdin this summer. I know this is crazy. Hell, I'll be happy if I make it half way up but I think that I need to try this. Here are my reasons why.

1) I have always wanted to climb Katahdin. When I was a kid I was in girl scouts and every year my troop would camp at Natarswi just below Katahdin. The whole time we were there I would stare up at the mountain and wonder what the world looked like from the top. I used to be quite a hiker. In middle school I climbed lots of mountains. Great Pond Mountain, Blue Hill Mountain, Bald Mountain, and some mountain near Camden and Rockland that I don't remember the name of. Used to be that I could complete a 5 mile hike in 2 hours.

2) I need a goal. My life has been one goal accomplished after another and now I need a new goal to throw myself into. I went to high school and worked part time. I worked my way through college and graduated cum laude. And now I am working as a teacher at a great school. Those have been my goals for so long now that I no longer know what to do with myself. Now I am setting myself a new goal to work towards.

3) I weigh 180 pounds and am 5 foot 4. This means my bmi is 35.14 roughly. This means I am overweight. I have before tried to get more healthy by setting a goal weight and working out. This has never worked for me. I'm not good about working out as regularly as I should and I am terrible at keeping track of the foods I put into my body. So instead of setting a weight loss goal that really means nothing to me I am setting a goal that is a little more tangible than a number on a scale. This way it is more concentrated on what it really should be about (being healthy and active) and less about weight loss.

 4) I am tired of being out of shape. I walk up the stairs at school and am out of breath. I have spent so much time in a room studying, balancing the checkbook, or doing chores that I have left absolutely no time to take care of myself. That was understandable in the last 5 years because I was working towards a very large goal but now I have accomplished that goal. It is time to take care of me. It is time to take care of the mess that work has created.

5) I care about my health. In the spring of my junior year of college I had H-Pylori. A disgusting and painful stomach thing(bug? virus? illness?). It caused my stomach to hurt all the time. I thought I was tired so I tried to get more sleep. I thought I was hungry so I ate more (about every hour on the hour). I thought that I was stressed from school. Finally, after a month of trying to deal with the pain by eating and trying to relax more I went to see a doctor. They took some blood and found out what it was. They then put me on some very strong antibiotics that made me feel worse for just about the entire 10 days I was on them. There was a lot of damage done though. I gained a lot of weight from overeating and the H-Pylori left my stomach very sensitive. That summer I developed a cyst on one of my ovaries. This presented with pain during sex. I went back to the doctors. They could not figure out what was wrong with me. I was in more and more pain every day. The cyst hurt. My stomach started hurting again from the worry and stress. I saw more and more doctors, specialists. Eventually we figured out I had a cyst and it burst and went away. Then we figured out I had acid reflux and got me the medication I needed to help me deal with it. However, the damage to my body had already been done. When I eat the wrong thing, my stomach hurts. When I get the flu the puking makes the acid reflux unbearable. When I am stressed or upset it feels like my stomach is eating itself from the inside out. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to spend my life in pain or in the doctor's office. I want to be in control of my body not the other way around.

6) My dad has celiacs. Celiacs is a genetic auto-immune disease. Essentially your body has a severe allergic reaction to wheat gluten. I do not have this but in time I could still develop it. I want to use my goal of climbing Katahdin to practice paying attention to what I eat. Right now I suck at this. My diet has for way too long been controlled by my schedule. For too long it has been eat a donut on the way to work at 8. Then the drive-through at McDonalds at 1 after my first job and before my second job starts at 2. Then dinner of whatever is easy at home at 10 pm because I am too tired to move. I have a regular job now. I work 7-3. I get a regular lunch break. I get home by 5. I have time to make a decent meal and to work out. I need to be doing so.

7) In high school I threw my knee cap out of place. I spent a month in a whole leg brace unable to bend my knee. Then I spent another month in painful physical therapy learning how to use the knee again. Unfortunately this type of injury can be recurring and I then threw the knee cap out of place two more times before I graduated. These both went untreated. When I got to college I realized that it hurt to run, to walk up or down hills or stairs, to stand for long periods of times, and when it was cold outside. I went back to physical therapy because my doctor believed I have patellofemoral syndrome. This happens when your knee cap grinds into your other bones and your cartilage when you bend it. It is very painful. The only way to keep it from happening is to make your leg muscles that run over the knee cap strong enough to hold the knee cap in place. When I left physical therapy I was supposed to continue the exercises. I did not. My knee cap has not returned to how it was before but if I keep slacking it could. Part of my goal is to take better care of my legs so that I am not crippled when I am older.

 So I am going to try to keep track of my weight, how many calories I eat, and how much I exercise every day. The idea is that if this is public knowledge then I will have some support to keep me going. Plus it will keep me honest. I know there are a few of you out there who will check this daily or weekly and nag me if I slack. I need that. You have always held me accountable while reminding me that it is ok to take a break. I hope that you will continue to do so. If you want to help me or become healthier yourself then feel free to comment or become a follower. Wish me luck!!

The Man I Thought I Wanted And The Man I Want Now

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago I had a dream. I had this boy that I loved a lot. I cared for him and he for me. Time passed. He whispered to me about how he thought I was the one. I whispered back. We said pretend vows over an internet conversation in the dead of night with no one to stand witness. All of the "I Love You's" began to end with forever and for once I dared to hope. The years passed, two and a half to be precise, but who is counting. That summer he broke my heart twice. The first time he broke it with hi actions. No more fireworks. No more breathe taking kisses. Mild touches, or fierce caresses were the flavors of day and night. The second time was with words. In one conversation he took back everything I had ever hoped for. I didn't know it though. I thought that he was just scared. That he would change his mind. I kept on hoping. More years passed. Birthdays, Christmases, Anniversaries, Valentine's Days and all the holidays in between came and went. At each one I looked for it. The little box tied up with ribbon. And I knew that inside that box I would find a diamond ring, just for me. He would get down on one knee and ask me to be his forever. Till the end of time. He did change his mind. One night he woke me to tell me he loved me and how much he wanted a life with me. Another evening as we lay cuddled together, talking, and relaxing after a long day he spoke of a mutual friend recently getting engaged and told me how much he'd like that, to be married to me. I floated on air. I looked for the little box. I began to imagine our life together. I imagined where we would live. I imagined the dress, the place, my friends and family. But I am a practical girl. I reminded myself every time I began to dream to not put the horse before the cart. I waited for the little box. The little box never came. A fight one night like any other. Just another fight I thought we'd get through and move on after. Two weeks of a subtle tension hidden underneath the surface of everything we did. I waited for him to give me some sign the fight was over. I hoped the fight was long over. I thought we'd made up. But even after the making up I could feel him and knew that not everything was alright. I never suspected what was to come next. My heart broke a third time as I listened to him say he wanted someone else. It broke for the fourth and last time as I stood in our living room moving things into the other room, his room, so he would be more comfortable and he told me he loved me. The furniture was moved. The lines in the sand were drawn. Separate bedrooms. Separate lives soon to follow. The pieces of me were scattered to all four winds. I let them lie. I longed to not get up again. The ground I had long stood on had become unstable under my feet and I had no desire to try my chances on it again. Eventually, I learned to build new ground. Eventually, I learned who I was again. As the old saying says, "Time heals all wounds." What it does not tell you is that it heals even the ones you never intend to let heal. And love has once again found its way into my life. Sometimes I catch myself beginning to dream again. Sometimes I think of the life I want and I wonder if maybe this man is the one who is meant to stand beside me while I live it. I look into his blue eyes and he smiles at me. He always smiles at me. I realize now though that what I really long for is not the ring, or the dress. It is not the promise or party or the acknowledgement from all of my friends and family. What I want is a man who wants that. I want a man who wants to stand before his friends, his family, my friends, and my family and promise to care for me, love me, stay with me, cherish me, respect me, and grow old with me. I don't care about the ceremony and the pomp. I could even part with the ring, if I could know beyond a certainty that such a man was mine. Could ever be mine. But I suppose I will never know if I have that man until he asks me if he can make me those promises.

Back to the Beginning

Well, I quit my job at Ruby Tuesdays. I took my job back at Staples. I decided that the money wasn't worth being miserable all the time. So I'm back to making enough to pay the bills barely. Garrett moved in here and that has helped some. It means I can pay my loans more easily. I still need to call FAME again. They want me to pay 75 dollars every month and that is just interest. I can't afford to do that. I'm hoping they can help me figure something else out.

In the mean time it is back to square one. Working at Staples and looking for teaching jobs. The hiring season is coming back around and I should have even more time to look now. I applied for some ed tech III jobs today and I put together a packet for a long term sub job at Bonny Eagle. I really hope I get one of them. I just want to teach. I love teaching.

I knew that pursuing this dream would be hard. I knew that teachers don't make a lot of money. I knew that I would be broke. I knew that there would be a lot of hard work to get the degree and education I would need in order to teach. No one told me how hard it would be to get the job. No one said that it might be year before I do. No one said that there were teachers out of school subbing and just waiting for an opening to come up in their district. I thought I would be competing with new grads and veteran teachers. I didn't know about the hordes of people waiting in line already. People who have been out of school for years just waiting to get a job in their area.

I often wonder if maybe I should do that. Everyone keeps asking me why I don't sub. I have been worried that if I do that then I won't have a steady pay check every week. I need to know what I will make so I can pay my bills. But maybe I could work at Staples on the weekends and sub during the week? Garrett is living here with me now though and I don't want to have to burden him with things like gas for my car, my car insurance or my student loans. Those bills are mine and mine alone. If I cut my hours at Staples down to 16 or so a week then I risk not always being able to pay those. It will depend on the circumstances. Then again I would have the chance to make 60 dollars a day subbing. That is more than I make at Staples some days.

I'm never sure any more what gives me the best chance of getting a job. I'm not sure how to keep taking care of myself. I know that my family is always there for me but right now I hate to ask any of them for help. I know they are going through even harder time than I am. If only I could see into the future...

Work

I can no longer work at Staples. For one thing I am tired of the politics that are involved in all retail jobs. For another I can no longer support myself on what I make there. I decided I would look for a new job and leave Staples. I found a new job.

Things moved really quickly. Ruby Tuesdays called me and asked me to come in for an interview. I did. They asked nothing about me, my past, my goals, or my experiences. I was informed that I would be working their salad bar and given a description of the job. Then I was given the job. I was asked to come in the next day for an orientation. I found myself giving my two weeks notice at Staples before going to the orientation. At the orientation I filled out all the necessary paperwork, went through the employee hand book and then immediately started training with an associate there.

I find that I am having major regrets involving my decision to take this job. It is no where near what I want to do. I want to teach. My mom and I did not work our butts off getting me into a good college so that I could work in the kitchen at some restaurant. I did not struggle through 4 years of school at the nations top college for education so that I could not use my degree.

I find myself washing bathrooms, scrubbing floors, doing dishes, cutting vegetables, making salads, running from one end of the kitchen to the other and I'm not even sure why. So that I can make some money? So I can keep a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in the car, lights on, and the creditors off my back? Is that really a good enough reason to settle for the first opportunity that comes along?

I know I should be happy to have a job at all. I know that I should be glad to be working and not out on the streets. I am happy to work. I don't mind hard work. I just feel so destroyed that I can't seem to make my dreams come true. Isn't getting the job supposed to be the easy part so long as I have the right kind of education and skill set?

My mom thinks that I don't like this new job because I feel like I am better than this. She is probably right. However, that just makes me even more upset and mad. When did I get so stubborn and proud? Don't I have any humility at all?

I worked at Ruby Tuesdays tonight. I was there till almost midnight. I'm sore all over. I feel like I smell vegetables and sweat. I'm tired. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I went and spent money I shouldn't have to eat at Denny's because I have no groceries, they were open, and I just wanted to eat a meal I didn't have to prepare or clean up myself. I'm so tired I didn't want to cook or clean up. I was willing to pay the price. I have been on my feet all day.

I spent my night at work running to and fro. I barely talked to any one. My brain was else where. I was doing at least 3 things at the same time all night. The job is fast paced and it involves a lot of juggling. But no skills. There is absolutely nothing about it that is fun or interesting. At least at Staples it was fun to make free samples and to interact with new people. I barely interact with anyone at this job. I don't have time.

I keep telling myself that this is temporary. But every time I say there is this little voice in the back of my head that whispers, "Staples was just temporary when you started there too. You thought you'd get a job in Farmington." What if this isn't temporary? What if I am doing this for a while?

Needless to say I am not ceased my job hunt. I just want to find a job where I like at least one thing. Where I genuinely enjoy at least one aspect. At Staples it was creating things, the other employees, and getting to meet new people (the nice ones any way). Here, there isn't anything.

Yes You Will

You will get a better job somewhere. You will continue to apply for teaching positions. You will get a teaching job some day. You will not give up. You are an amazing teacher and you just need to find the right school. Someone somewhere will see this and hire you. You did not go to school for so long and work so hard to give up after looking for 7 months. You have your computer back now and the teacher hiring season is coming back around. You will work harder and apply to more places.

You will do better.

Irrational

A long time ago I got hurt. This wouldn't be a big deal except he made me a promise. He promised to love me till the day I died, he promised to never end things with me, he promised that I was the one and always would be. Now a year after he broke all of those promises I no longer love him. I no longer want him. I no longer yearn for him to hold me in the middle of the night. But I'm still angry at him. I still hurt. Some days I imagine I will forgive him. I imagine unblocking him from Facebook. I imagine sending him a message and maybe trying to be friends. But then my stomach twists and my chest hurts and I realize that I am still angry and hurt.

I'm not even angry that he left me anymore. I know that I am happier now for it. No, the thing that hurts the most is the broken promises. The nights where I am home alone on my couch watching bad tv and wishing for someone to cuddle. The nights where I cry because work sucked or I got another rejection letter in the mail and there is no one to hold me. The nights where I'm sick and there is no one to hold my hair while I puke or make me soup or make me rest instead of cleaning. Those are the nights that I realize what I was holding onto so tightly was someone to take care of me the way that I took care of him. And then I hate him.

I hate him for making me weak. For making me feel like I need someone to help me through the hard times. I hate him for making me need someone and then taking that someone away.

I'm in this new relationship where I am extraordinarily happy. I'm happy because I have someone who loves me. I finally found someone who makes me feel more like myself. It feels like before with every other boy, I was pretending. Like I was trying to be someone who sort of resembled me but who really made them happy. I feel like I sacrificed a lot of things about myself to be with boys who didn't necessarily deserve me. And now I'm being me. Crazy, spontaneous, wacky, silly, me and he loves me. Encourages me even.

But I'm afraid. We have reached that point where things start to get serious. We start to make commitments, promises. I hear him saying them already. And I love it. I could see it. I could see this boy being the one. But I find myself hesitating. I don't want more broken promises. I don't see how this could end. How can you end a relationship where there is no fighting? Where we sometimes don't even finish a sentence and the other knows exactly what we mean. How can that be destroyed?

I don't know. But my experiences so far have told me that it doesn't last. I find myself looking for ways to hold onto him, to this feeling. To be sure that those promises we are making to each other can't be broken. I know though that that doesn't work. I can't hold on too tightly either.

I guess some fears, some feelings are just irrational.

Nothing Is Impossible

It has been almost a year. December 9, 2010. About ten more days. Wow. Things are definitely different for me now.

I spend my days at work, with friends or chilling out at home watching tv on the internet. No more homework, no more classes, no more Farmington or school. I'm a college graduate who blew her supervisors and mentors away with her performance during her student teaching. I still haven't found the job of my dreams but I'm looking and I'm getting closer every day.

I no longer worry that the man I love is going to move away from me and go to grad school somewhere so far away that I won't be able to follow. Now I worry that I will be the one moving away. However, I have faith in the one I love and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this new relationship work.

The world doesn't seem as cut and dry. It isn't about occasionally eating out, going to the movies, and cuddling on the couch. It is much more alive and interesting. There are still days spent watching netflix and not bothering to put on real clothes but now there are also road trips, game nights, parties, weddings, yard work, birthdays, graduations, movies, the mall, the beach, exploring, hiking, live shows, music, festivals, pirates, adventures, and so much more. The list grows every day.

My life is looking more and more like me every day. It is looking more like how I always wanted to live it. Fun, exciting, a little spontaneous, happy and busy. The world seems to have gotten bigger. The possibilities seem endless.

If there is one thing I learned in the past year it's that nothing is impossible.

Who I Am With You And How I Love You

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you."
~Roy Croft~

"I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~

Loving Being Wrong

So I've been sick. I woke up Saturday with a headache well, actually it was more like a face ache. And I had hoped it was just that I had slept in too late. But then I woke up yesterday and it was worse. It was too hard to ignore the evidence I had an full blown painful sinus infection. Then I cried because I felt like shit but I knew I couldn't afford to miss work. They only scheduled me for 24 hours this week. So I got up and went to work. While at work I realized what I really wanted more than anything else was for Garrett to come take care of me and to cuddle with me. Normally I don't ask him to come look in on me when I know he is probably busy because I know I would feel bad and selfish. But I felt like I really needed him. So I asked him to come. He said he had to work Monday. So I suggested that he come the night before or after work Monday or that he simply skip work. I thought he would know that it was pretty serious since I pretty much never ask him to skip work for me. The boy said he couldn't because he needed to wash his work clothes for the next day. I told him that was a lame excuse and he agreed with me. I was furious. So I told him I was mad at him. I mean after all the things I do for him. I cook for him, I have taken care packages to him when he hasn't felt well, I have done his dishes for him before, I have baked him things to cheer him up, I have gone to the doctors with him. I have done everything in my power to make him happy. And I don't usually ask him to just come and hold me. And he was denying me something so simple because he had to do laundry.

He apparently was kidding. He had decided to give me the lamest answer possible so that I would know it was simple a stupid excuse so that he could come to Augusta and surprise me. I was flabbergasted. I felt so bad for doubting him. For thinking that he wouldn't want to come take care of me. I guess I am just used to putting in and putting in and not getting everything I need in return. I think part of me expected a no and when I saw it in a text message I didn't take any time at all to question it.

I should have more faith in him. He is so supportive of me. Even though I ask him how he feels about me maybe moving farther away for a teaching job he refuses to give an answers. He doesn't want to color my decision. He wants me to do what is right for me and my career regardless of his feelings. He does little things to make me smile all the time. I should have known he wouldn't hurt me like that. That he would want to be here for me as much as I want to be here for him.

I love that. I love this. I love him.

And Another One Bites The Dust

My friend Chucky is engaged! Yay Chucky! I am really very happy for him. I met his girlfriend once a while back and she was really a very sweet girl. The two of them have been together now for a year, maybe two? I can't remember. It is so awesome that Chucky finally found someone. In high school he was the guy who I always thought of as a little brother. He was always hanging out with me and moaning over a friend of ours. We considered giving dating a try once but in the end the idea was just a little too awkward. We are good friends and always have been. He listens to me gripe and I listen to him gripe. I see him every once in awhile and it's great fun. Chucky has always been unlucky in love. So it is nice that he is getting married.

However, I can't help but feel a little twinge of pain. An asshole really ruined the whole concept for me. He made me think that I had the person I was going to be with forever. But it was a lie. I don't know that I am capable of trusting someone that much again. I let someone all the way in. I planned a future with that person. I allowed myself to believe I would always have him to support and love me. I was wrong. I had never let myself think I would be married before. That was not something that would happen in my life. I didn't want to need someone that much.

And you know since then I find myself questioning all the time whether I believe that we all have a life partner out there. Do I really believe there is someone for everyone? Someone we will spend our entire lives with? Is it really possible to make it work the first time? Does marriage ever really work?

Just look at the relationships I have seen in my life. My mom and dad are divorced. Both of my dad's sisters have been divorced. My grandfather died shortly before I was born and my grandmother remarried about 8 years ago. My grandmother on my mother's side has 4 daughters, all with different men and I still don't know that she is married to George. My grandfather on my mother's side was married. had a girlfriend and got my grandmother knocked up at 15. What examples do I have in my life to show me that there is any possible way to spend your whole life with one person? It seems to me that there is always someone coming or going.

And I don't want that. I don't want to date forever. I don't want my heart to get broken repeatedly for another 20 years before I finally get it right. I want to meet someone who will love as I am and or who I am for the rest of my life. I want someone to take care of me when I am busy taking care of everyone else. I want someone's hand to hold when I feel like falling to pieces. I want to be able to trust someone even more completely than I trusted the asshole who broke my heart. I want what Chucky has. Faith. Love. Trust. Strength.

Will I ever have any of those things again?

What do I do?

I haven't written anything in a while. And when I have written it has been mostly sappy things. I think I need to write about other things.

I have spent a lot of time lately being angry and depressed. At the beginning of the summer I was stressed about money. Lets face it, I just got out of school and I am trying to support myself with only my part time job and a tiny bit of savings. Lucky for me my job gave me at least 30 hours a week and sometimes more. I managed to get on food stamps and that really helped. It was easier when I didn't have to worry about rent and food. I spent my summer enjoying my new love and going on adventures while using all my free time to look for a teaching job. Now the summer has come to a close and things haven't really gotten any better. In fact, they have gotten worse. The summer is over and I still don't have a teaching job. The store I was working at has closed and now I am working at a smaller store where I have to compete for hours. I'm down to 20 hours a week. It is October which means that school has started and there are fewer teaching jobs now then there were before. I had a car accident so my car insurance is going to be going up soon. In January or February I am going to have start paying on my student loans and I am barely making ends meet as it is. My options are dwindling.

I hate my job. I am going to admit right now that I feel stupid, alone and bored there. I miss teaching. I want to quit but I know that I can't quit. I need to find another job first. I know that I could probably get another retail job fairy easily but frankly I don't want to. I want to teach. I hate corporations. I hate business. I hate retail. I could move back in with my mom. I like my freedom though. I like my independence. I like being able to see my boyfriend whenever I want to. A friend offered to be my roommate but he doesn't want to live in Augusta and neither do I really. So I would need a new job first. I suppose I could transfer to another store. I don't really like that idea either. I need to do something.

The only thing I can really do is keep applying for teaching jobs. Apply for long term sub jobs and ed tech jobs. Keep going to work every day. Keep making money and paying my bills. could try to get a second retail job. There goes all of my free time though. I remember what working two retail jobs was like. I had no free time. And with Garrett leaving so far away when will I ever see him. But again, I am running out of options.

I think I need to work harder but I really don't have any motivation left. I realize that I balanced a lot more than this in college but I'm tired and I don't want to balance and work hard for what I want any more.

Now I am just sounding like I am whining. I think I will stop here before things get too pathetic.

I just don't know what to do.

You Bring Out The Best In Me

I want to run away with you. Find a warm beach somewhere and spend our days lying on the sand under the hot sun, playing in the water, eating food that is bad for us and our nights cuddled in bed together watching Netflix. I want to leave behind this life where we are held down by bills and money. I want to carve out a place in the world for us that is peaceful and beautiful.

I would travel to the ends of the Earth to spend one more minute with you, worry free. Our afternoons where all but the most trivial of cares (such as what's for dinner) have been forgotten are the best times of my life. I could spend eternity wrapped up in your arms. I have never laughed or smiled so much as I do when you are there. You bring out the best in me. The happiest, silliest, lightest, funniest, most beautiful person emerges the minute you walk in the door. But I don't feel like it is an act. Or like this person isn't me. On the contrary I feel more like me when I am with you than at any other time.