Lonely

Playing Free cell to try and keep my mind off you isn't working. Going to take some stuff to knock me out and go to bed. What I really need these days is a distraction at night to keep me from missing you, to keep me from thinking about how quiet it is without you. And to keep me from wondering if you and her are talking long into the night like we used to. I hate missing you.

I am Single

I would like to inform you all that I am single and that two weeks after dumping me, Garret is now seeing Jennie Babb. Is this public enough for you Jennie? Thought about posting this on Facebook but I see you already did that. Thanks.

My First Christmas Being Single

I made it through my first Christmas without you and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. As much as I loved you and as much as I used to think of this as our holiday I find myself glad you're not here. There is no pressure to leave so that we can have our time together. There are no worries about leaving my family too soon or too late. No worries about where I will spend the day or when I will see you. Its just me and Chloe now. And she is happy to be wherever I am.

Never Again

He is seeing someone else and no matter how hard I try I can't convince myself to be ok with this. I can't believe that two weeks after dumping me he is seeing someone else. I can't believe that they posted it on facebook. Maybe they didn't mean to rub it in my face but they are. I hate their bullshit about how sorry they are that they are hurting me. They don't give one little bit about me. I wish they would stop lying to me and to themselves. Neither of them ever cared about me. I can't believe that when I asked him if there was another girl that he said no. I hate the lies. All of them.

The lies about how he would always love me and wouldn't ever be the one to end things. The lies about how he still love me. Obviously you don't because you're seeing someone else. Why couldn't you just stick it out with me? So what if some day in the future you resent me? That means we could have had years longer together. And you took that from me. I guess you just didn't feel that way about me anymore.

I hope you're happy because I am done. I am done with you and your lies. I am done with compromising to make you happy. You asked me to change my facebook status to nothing even though I wanted it to be single. I did it cause I still loved you and it seemed important to you. But she wants to put that you two are in a relationship and thats fine? Why are her feeling more important than mine if you ever cared for me at all? I compromised yet again. Screw that.

No more. I'm not doing anything for you ever again.

Not the One

When you held me
And said I was the one
I guess you didn’t mean the same thing I did.
When I said it to you
I don’t think you knew what you were getting.

I am
Wild
Passionate
Kind
Fun
Life-loving

I wanted
To travel
To see the world
To teach
To love my students
To perform
To share this with someone
To have children
And a home.

I compromised
All of this for you
But it just wasn’t enough
To keep you.

Well good riddance then.

I don’t want me either
If I have to be the girl I was
After all the compromising was done.

I want to be me.
I want the world.
I want life.
I want to take it all in
And drink it all up.
I want to experience it all
With everything I have.

I hope you find what you are looking for
Because I am obviously not it.

Flight

She fell. The wind was roaring in her ears and with her eyes wide open she could see the colors of the rocks flashing by her as gravity took her completely in its grasp. She wasn’t sure how long she fell for, it felt like forever but as she fell something changed. Her racing heart slowed, she felt a sense of calm come over her. Her mind emptied of the thoughts that had been demanding her attention. Time went by but her fall seemed to slow until she stopped. She looked down and saw herself suspended in the air still feet from the bottom where she had been anticipating her doom. She looked up and saw wings. Green transparent wings had sprouted from her back. She was flying. She hovered there a moment enjoying the sensation of flight. Then slowly she stretched her arms towards the heavens and away into skies that were hung heavy with rain clouds.

Since You've Been Gone

Since you’ve been gone
I have hurt more than I thought possible.
I have cried,
I have laughed,
And I have had more fun
Than I have had in a long time.

I used to have
This love for life.
I used to be
wild
And free
And silly
And fun.

I don’t know when I chose to throw that away
For you
But I did.

But since you’ve been gone
I have realized
I want it all back.

And there is nothing stopping me anymore.

Taking Back My Life

I used to worry all the time that someday I would wake up and realize that you were a dream, that you weren't real. You seemed too good to be true to me. And the life we talked about having seemed like a fairy tale. Now it is here. The nightmare has come real. You have left me and now I am all alone. I have to say though, it isn't a nightmare anymore.

I realized something. You will never find another girl like me. There will never be another girl who puts up with your idiosyncrasies like I did. And good luck finding one who is willing to not french kiss. There are a million things out there that I have always wanted to do and I have been worried that I wouldn't have time to do them. I now have all the time in the world. It might be years before I find someone else I am serious about. And honestly I am fine with that. I don't need someone else getting in the way of what I want to do.

I want to do things I will regret. I want to go out with my friends and have a good time. I want to flirt with random guys and feel like I am the sexiest girl alive. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to go to New York. I want to get back to acting and see how far it takes me. I want to be an amazing teacher who loves her students and is absolutely crazy about her job. I want to live somewhere other than Maine for a while. I want to have fun. I want to say and do whatever I want, when I want and as often as I want.

I have been holding back. You once told me that I am a ticking time bomb. I seem to have remembered exactly how that feels. And I like it.

Look out world, here I come.

Since You Been Gone By Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool, but it was all pretend
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
You're dedicated, you took the time
Wasn't long 'til I called you mine
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I picture me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone

How can I put it, you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you been gone (since you been gone)
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know) that I get
I get what I want

Since you been gone
Since you been gone
Since you been gone

Day # 25 The Person I Know Is Going Through the Worst of Times

Dear Me,

When I wrote the list out of all the people I would write these letters for I had planned to write this one for Steve. I had also planned to write them all in as close to a month as I could. Little did I know that I wouldn't finish in a month. Little did I know that I would be writing this letter to me. Yeah.

4 years is a long time to be with the same person. 4 years is a long time to tell someone you love them and that you want to marry them. It's funny how now that we were close to actually tying the knot we are even further away than ever before. How is it that we can plan and plan our lives away but there is always something that happens that ruins all of our plans?

Why does this have to be it? Why does this have to be the thing that breaks us? Kissing, hugging, touching, cuddling, all of it. Those things should be easy. So why did they break us? I don't understand. I was happy with him. Maybe I would have liked to kiss him more, touch him more but that wasn't because I felt neglected. I just liked it. Did he not like it? Why not? He always did before. What is it that made us fight about it? Why did he spend a month one summer not kissing me? Am I a bad kisser? Does he not like kissing? Or does he just no longer want to be kissing me? Maybe he never really liked me all that much in first place? Maybe I was in love with him and he wasn't in love with me?

I keep going over every fight we ever had and everything he said to me in the end. I keep trying to figure out why it didn't work. I don't understand. We fought a lot in the dorms. Over stupid stuff. Now we had been living for a long time together in our apartment and we fought rarely but somehow... this is the end.

I keep telling myself that things obviously weren't as great as I thought they were or he wouldn't have broken things off. But I keep going back to the fight we had over Thanksgiving. I feel like thats why he called it off. He said it was part of this but not the cause, he said this caused that fight. But that was one fight and I wanted to take back everything as soon as I said it. I don't even know why I said it. Maybe if I hadn't said it we would still be together.

All I know for sure is I want him back. I don't think he will ever be mine again though. And I am convinced that I will be alone. I was prepared to be alone before he came along. Now it is hard to go back to that. I haven't been alone for 4 years. I forget how to be alone.

Good Luck
Me

Naphtali's Fall

She stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down. It was then that a gentle voice cooed to her. She recognized it as the voice of an old friend,

“Are you in or are you out?” he said. “It won’t matter either way, but the fall will be breathtaking and the view is to die for.”

Her mouth curled into a small coy smile as the wind gently whipped her hair around her face. She moved the strands from her lips before whispering in response,
“Sounds like my kind of adventure.”

“That is all life is you know. A long fall to the inevitable end. The world rushes by us in a whirl wind of colors, sights and feelings. It is out of these quick sensations that occasionally we pull out tiny scenes of breathtaking beauty. They stop our hearts and for a moment we feel the fall stop and time has frozen.”

She stepped closer to the edge, her toes hanging off. She closed her eyes and spread her arms out like the wings of a bird. She whispered again,

“Good bye old friend. See you at the bottom.”

The Fall

Sometimes I see myself as standing on the edge of a cliff. And I am looking down at the bottom. Everyone is afraid I am going to jump. But all I can think is "The fall would be breathtaking and the view... the view is to die for." That seems exhilarating to me. Perhaps hitting bottom wouldn't be so bad?

After all, what is life but a fall to our deaths through which we must try to grasp at tiny scenes of breathtaking beauty?

Why

"for whatever reason we got stuck in a loop where you were sure i "clearly didn't want you" and that caused more stress for me, because whenever anything intimate game up i felt pressured to make up for it and convince you otherwise. i wasn't horny. i don't know why. i can't be with you or marry you with issues like that. that's why i said i was leaving and going to try to find someone else. maybe for a short relationship/fling or maybe for a long one, if i ended up really happy there. i don't know what will happen but i need to figure this out. i was constantly turning you down and letting you down in the bedroom and i absolutely HATED myself for it. i need to see what it's like with someone else who i care about. i need to figure out why i ended up this way, or if it's just who i am. maybe i should have done this a year ago when the kissing thing first became a huge issue
i need this. and it's the most fair thing to you too, in the long run. you don't want to be with a guy who hates himself and feels inadequate"

I didn't think you clearly didn't want me. I thought that maybe I wasn't turning you on and I want to work on that with you. Or for you to say if there was something about me that didn't turn you on. I didn't want you to feel pressured or like you had to make it up to me. I just wanted to be able to be intimate with you. I don't know why I couldn't be. I don't want to be with anyone else. I don't care about any of this stuff. I have been happier with you than I can ever remember being in my entire life. I can't believe that you didn't know that.

Day 6

Day six of being single sucks too. I had a melt down yesterday. More like many melt downs. I cried, well more like sobbed while mom held me. Then she gave me some drugs to help me sleep. It feels like I spend all day every day crying and like I am never going to stop. Today I spent with mom and with Alice. Went out and picked up a gift for David, then got some more cat litter for Chloe and then watched a movie and ate pizza with Alice. We talked for a while about how much everything sucks. I miss him.

I miss him.

He Was Unhappy

I sent him a text message.

"Please take me back? I don't want to live without you."

"That isn't something I can do right now. I need to see if I can be happy somewhere else. I wish this was easier but I can't do anything to help you through this."

"Why can't you be happy with me? Whats wrong with me? Why don't you want me? I have tried to tell myself that I understand but I don't. I thought you were happy."

"I told you what the main issues were. I don't want to get into everything again. It was making me unhappy."

I bent over backwards for him and he was still not happy with me.

We Are SUpposed to Be... But We Aren't

We are supposed to be spending this time looking at apartments for the fall. And teasing each other about Christmas presents. We are supposed to be cuddling on the couch together and watching tv as you are finishing up your finals. We are supposed to be talking about me student teaching. I am supposed to be nervous and excited for it. We are supposed to be making plans for how we will spend our day Christmas day. You were supposed to be buying me gifts, leaving me wondering if this would be when you would finally pop the question. We are supposed to be thinking about getting married and planning the rest of our lives together.

Instead you are sleeping in the other room. I am spending my nights and days sobbing. I no longer want to do anything. My ambition is gone. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday and when December hit and the snow started to fall I couldn't wait to buy gifts for you. Instead I am returning all of your gifts and wishing the holiday didn't even exist. I am looking at my friends' profiles and seeing them in their gowns and wishing marriage didn't exist. Instead of being in your arms I am alone in my bed cuddling a stuffed animal my ex gave to me.

Merry Fucking Christmas.

Hurry Up

Just hurry up and go out and date and then realize you want to come back to me. This is taking too long and is absolute agony.

Everything is Destroyed But The World Keeps Turning

Every thing has hanged and yet the world keeps going. I wish it wouldn't. I wish it would hold still. I wish that I didn't have to keep going on with my life. I don't have him anymore and it feels like all of my drive and confidence and strength left with him. Student teaching looms just over the horizon and all I can think is, "I can't do it without him." I was counting on him to help me through like he has for so long now. I was counting on him to remind me that I do need to eat and sleep and take time to just relax. I was counting on him to remind me that the world is a good place. I was counting on so many things. How can I do this without him?

I am starting all over again and I don't know where to begin.

I don't know how to be without him.

Day 5 Of Being Alone

May have actually managed to get 8 hours of sleep. However also tossed and turned all night and woke up repeatedly. No sobbing though. Just a mild amount of tears. But I think that has more to do with hanging out with Zach and talking to Steve on the phone than anything else. I have amazing friends. I will never forget that about any of them. Its nice to know that I have so many people who care so very much about me.

Everybody keeps telling me that there are other guys out there. Starting to feel like I need to let go. But I also know I can't yet. I went and asked Garret last night if he was ok because his status worried me. And he said he was. We talked a little about stuff. And he said it was good that we were trying to be friends and I said to him, "I don't want to be your friend." I had to leave at that point. I couldn't take it anymore. But I know it is true. He may have been my best friend while we were dating but that doesn't mean that I just want to be friends. Yeah, definitely not ready to let him go.

Made a list last night of things I wouldn't put up with in my next relationship.
1) Never again will I date a guy without a car
2) No more really really smart guys who have to analyze everything because somehow there must be some reason for everything and you can't just feel something.
3) No more guys who won't french kiss me. The next guy I date is going to want to make outwith all the time and use as much tongue as I want him to.
4) No more guys who don't want sex as much as I do. I want a guy who when I grab him and kiss him and push him on the bed doesn't think, "This is nice but I'm not in the mood."

I don't have to feel like I am not sex, not desirable. I don't have to rely on my friends telling me they want me to feel good about myself. Someone who actually enjoys my body. I don't have to try and explain everything I am feeling to them. I can just be sad because I feel sad sometimes and they will be ok with it. And someone who wants to drive me places sometimes. And who is willing to drive out of their for me sometimes. And who understands that it is never too much money or gas money to drive to see the person you love. Someone with whom that feeling of wanting to do anything just to get more time is mutual.

Maybe I just need to focus on these things and I will not feel so sad. Maybe if I stop thinking about the pain and the sorrow and all the things I should be doing in my life right now instead of mourning the loss of my relationship then maybe I will feel better. Maybe if I keep busy enough I will feel better.

Again, love my friends. Thanks to Zach for staying out hanging out and talking with me till 1:30 am last night. Thanks to Steve for letting me return his call checking in on me at 2 am last night. Thanks to Alice who I am seeing Tuesday evening and to Mel who I will see Thursday. And thanks to work for giving me something to do to keep me busy. Today is the only day this week that I am not doing something. We'll have to see how it goes.

Is Today the Day?

In my head there is this scene where you knock on my door I say come in. You grab me and kiss me hard and look into my eyes. And there are tears in yours. And you say, "I am so sorry. I never meant any of it. It is all over. I want you back. I realize now that I can't live without you. Please, Dani, please take me back?"

Every time I come home from work. Every time I lay in bed crying in the dark with the door closed, feeling you listening on the other side I imagine this. Every day, I think today is the day. Today he will say it. Today he will hug me and hold me close and kiss me and we will cry in happiness. And every thing will be alright again.

Is today that day?

Immeasurable Sorrow

I can't find the words anymore. The only sounds my throat can make is sobs and half taking heaving breathes. Each sentence here is painful like trying to breathe while your running and that stitch in your side cuts into you and the cool air hurts your lungs. Yeah, I hope that metaphor makes sense.

In my head are only half finished phrases repeated over and over again as yet more tears find their way down my cheeks. If I was a mountain I would have deep crevices from where the water fell repeatedly. And I keep thinking that I can't possibly cry anymore and yet the tears just keep coming. Each time the phrases in my head make another circuit more salty tears run down my cheeks, my nose, my mouth.

"Take me back."
"Please hold me"
"Please tell me you're sorry."
"Please make it stop."
"Make the pain go away."
"I love you so much."
"Why?"
"Don't do this."
"I'm sorry"
"What did I do to deserve this?"
and finally,
"I hate you." I know I don't mean this last one but it is so hard to not hate. To not want to scream and throw things and tear the world to pieces. Because honestly, what can possibly be left in the world for me when you are gone from my life? What future can I possibly have without you?

You promised you would never be the one to end things. You lied. You said you would be there for as long as I wanted you. You lied. You lied. You Lied. You LIED!

You said you would always be there for me. You can't be there for me now. No one holds me while my whole body shakes with sobs, while my lungs repeatedly try to gasp for air and fail again and again and again. No one. Instead I lay in bed in the dark every night crying and trying to stifle the moans into my blankets and pillows, trying to gasp for air, hoping to fall asleep if only to have the short relief of sweet nothingness for a little while, hoping to not feel the pain for just a little while.

My entire body hurts. My stomach is tied into knots so tight that nothing helps it. I spent the first night running to the bathroom with diarrhea. My body feels weak and shaky. My hands shake. I speak too fast to try to hide the trembling. I smile bigger to hide the fact that I can't smile.

I feel like Bella when Edward leaves her. She woke up every night from the same nightmare, screaming and crying and writhing in agony. There is a deep black hole in her chest where her heart used to be and it clenches in agony every time she thinks of him. She keeps herself busy so she doesn't have to think. I feel like Bella. Reading and writing and mindless games of solitaire just to keep my mind busy so I can't think. Big black empty hole right where my heart is. And pain. Always pain.

Please take me back? Please? I'll do anything. Anything. Please?

Gone

I am so tired. I can't breathe. I can't remember the last time but I am sure it didn't feel like this. Just want it to be over with. Maybe I should try sleeping again. I have ice cream in the fridge. I forgot about it. Not hungry. Wasn't hungry when I bought it but figured it was something to eat. So cold.

Letting Go

“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”

Day # 24 The Person That Gave Me My Favorite Memory

Dear Garret,

There are a lot of memories that I will always treasure with you. The night you sent me your story and I knew I was the girl in the sand, the night you told me you loved me, the night you asked me out, the first time you kissed me, the many times we "ran away to Canada" together or to Poland, the first night we slept in the same bed together, our first night in our new apartment, and of course, our last Christmas together. It was just about perfect. It was just us at home snuggling, unwrapping gifts and watching House for hours. But none of these are my favorite. My favorite memory is of us cuddling on our bed just as happy as we could be because we just realized that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We were looking at each other and smiling and I was crying I was so happy. We had only been dating 9 months but I knew then and there that I never wanted another man, ever.

I will never forget the way you held me closed and whispered to me. I will never forget how could you smelled or how good it felt to be held so close by you. I won't forget kissing you and telling you, "You're the one."

You're the One, Garret.

Dani

Day # 23 The Last Person I Kissed

Dear Garret,

Yep, I'm I not cheating on you. You are the person I kissed most recently, the last person I kissed. I hope that you will be the only man I will ever kiss again. I love you. And I truly think that you are the only person out there for me. I have never loved someone more than I love you. I care about you so much. You make me happier than i have ever been in my entire life. You are my best friend and I am allowed to kiss you, tell touch you, hold you and tell you my deepest darkest secrets. Nothing could be better. I hope you know that you and your happiness are the most important things in the world to me. And I am sorry if sometimes it seems like I forget that.I can't deny that sometimes I am not the best girlfriend in the world to you. But I am working on it. I promise. And we are going to have an amazing life together.

Love Always,

Dani

Day # 22 Someone I Want To Give A Second Chance To

Dear Isaac,

Yeah, I want to give you a second chance. The question is how can I? It wouldn't really be a second chance. It be the 1 millionth. Maybe I should call it quits. Maybe I should just stick to my guns. And give up on you. But everyone else gave up on you. How can I?

Dani

Day # 21 Someone I Judged By Their First Impression

Dear Carmon,

So we're not friends. And we never have been friends. However, I need to admit something to you. In high school when I first met you and saw the people you hung out with I judged you. I judged wrong. Later on in high school I had a creative writing class with you and that was when I realized it. You weren't an air head like the people you hung out with. And you weren't like he preps whose every thought was about when the next party would be. You were different. You were deeper than that. And funny. And nice. And friendly and kind. Maybe we aren't friends, but that isn't because of how I judged you. Its more because I avoided your friends and that meant avoiding you unless you were alone. But I have no problem with you. I want you to know that you are an aquaintance that when I see I don't cross the road to avoid. I don't mind stopping to chit chat with you. And I certainly wouldn't mind hanging out some time. I want you to know that I think you're alright.

Sincerely,

Dani

We Interrupted Your Regularly Scheduled Programming to Bring You Breaking News

I saw the GI doctor yesterday. Basically my life sucks. She doesn't really know what is wrong with me either. I don't know what I was thinking, hoping that she would have some magical answer to all of my problems. Basically I feel like crap. For many reasons.

1) They weighed me at the doctors. I now weigh 170 pounds. That's right I gained 10 pounds. So much for going to the gym.

2) On Monday I am skipping my English class so I can go back to Waterville so they can knock me out and stick a scope down my throat so they can see exactly what is wrong with me. Then I am going to wait a week before hearing back from the doctor (this probably means I will call them a week and a half after because like most doctors they won't bother to call me) with the results. Hopefully, they will then have some idea on how to make me better.

3) Just to rub salt in the wound, on my way home from Waterville I got pulled over by the Deputy Sheriff. I had a light out on my high beams. Yeah. That is why he felt he should pull me over. Now I have 3 days to get it fixed. Wonderful.

4) I came home and my stomach decided it needed to hurt, a lot. Apparently it decided it didn't hurt enough as it was. So I didn't get any sleep last night. And neither did Garret because his stomach was acting up too.

5) Now I have to go to two classes today that I don't really give a farts butt about.

6) I tried to nap but I can't. I just spent the time crying.

7) I am exhausted and grouchy and in a terrible mood that I can't break. And it is raining and cold.

8) I have a meeting I have to go to at 1:30 for a group project so even if I could skip class today I won't because I have a meeting in that building anyway that I will feel terrible if I miss it.

9) I am loathing myself a little bit for being fat and weak.

I am sure this list could go on but reason number 9 is telling me to stop. Also, reason is kicking in and telling me I should eat. All I have had today since I woke up has been wintergreen mints. But I'm not hungry and nothing sounds good and I am fat. Maybe I will skip lunch too. I really just want to lay here in my bed all day and do nothing.

Day # 20 The Person That Broke My Heart The Hardest

Dear Jason,

I think if you were reading this letter you would be surprised. After all, I was already broken when we started dating. I think that probably had a lot to do with why you hurt so much. I was happy with you. I loved you. You never loved me.

You made me feel like I was deserving of love again but then you didn't really love me at all. You made me feel special and wonderful and desirable. Then you didn't want me. I just wasn't important enough. I didn't even make your top ten.

I understood that I came in second to school. We were in high school and we were both there because it was a stepping stone towards the lives we wanted. I understood that your friends and your family were important. They were important to me too. I even understood when you couldn't find time to spend 10 minutes talking to me before or after practice. I understood that basketball, soccer, track, chess club, latin club, math team, all of it was equally important to you.

You just didn't think I was important. I couldn't compete with all of that. And I didn't even try to. I just asked to be on the list of things and people that meant something to you. And you said, "I don't think I can give 100% to this relationship." I asked if I was important and demanded to know yes or no and you said, "Its not that black and white." I wasn't even asking you for more of your time. Just an acknowledgment that I was someone you cared for.

Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I let you know how i felt too soon. Maybe I didn't play it cool enough. Or maybe I just came off as too clingy. I don't know.

All I know for sure is that I will never let anyone make me feel like I don't matter again.

Thanks for showing me that I do matter.

Dani

Day # 19 The Person That Pesters My Mind

Dear Isaac,

This letter has been coming for a while. Part of me thinks I shouldn't even be writing it. Writing it means admitting that I think about you. Writing it means admitting that not everything I think about you is bad. Much of what I think about are the good things. Those hurt more than the bad.

Good Things:
1) Books! I miss talking about books with you. I miss swapping books and ideas back and forth. I miss having long conversations about what we were reading and making suggestions of other things the other might enjoy.
2) The way it was always so fun to talk to you. You managed to challenge me intellectually while making me laugh.
3) Passing notes. I liked passing notes with you. It was fun. I kept them all for a very long time. I only recently threw them away in an attempt to forget about the past. But sometimes I don't think forgetting is a good idea.
4) Being friends. And being more than friends for a while. Before it got creepy, it was nice.

Bad Things:
1) Stalking me
2) Calling me names
3) Guilting me
4) The way we would fight, you would apologize, we would be distant for a while, everything would be better and then we would fight again sometimes about nothing. Sometimes we fought just because you were in a bad mood or because I was making you think about what could have been or because I was thinking about what could have been or because you were angry at how things were and I wanted to help you.

I go back and forth between the list of good things and bad things in my head. You seem to float in when I am not thinking about other things. Sometimes things remind me of you. Sometimes I am just thinking about high school. Sometimes you show up in my writing. But I wonder about you a lot.

I wonder if you are doing ok. I wonder if you are finally clean and back on your feet. I wonder if you know that I know about almost everything that happened to you after we stopped talking. I wonder if you know that what you did to yourself hurt me more than what you did to me and what we did to each other. I wonder if you know I considered you my best friend in high school right up until I realized that best friends don't treat each other as terribly as you treated me. I wonder if you knew I had nightmares about you. I wonder if you know I thought about leaving the state because of you. I wonder if you have wondered about me and if you are keeping an ear out for news of me as I am keeping an ear out for news of you.

Mostly I wonder if the good things are worth giving you another chance. Not a second chance but 1 millionth chance because we both know I gave you thousands before.

You say you have changed. You apologized. I am sorry I made you go through reliving what was going on, on my end before accepting that apology. But I wanted it to mean something. You have apologized so many times before and it has meant nothing. I want it to mean something. I want to know that you have genuinely grown as a person and genuinely want my forgiveness for what you did. I want to know that you want to work at being a better person and at treating me better. I want to know that if I let you back into my life you will never make me so afraid that I refuse to leave my house ever again.

But I can never really know and that scares me.

Before you I was always sure of people. Of their potential to be amazing. Before you I was sure of who to trust and who not to trust. I can no longer trust my instincts about this. I care about you. You were my best friend. I can not trust myself because I know that caring clouds my judgement.

I am still so afraid of your ability to make me hurt. Fear is supposed to be good because it makes us cautious. I was never cautious before you. And in some ways I miss who I was before you. In many ways I wish I could get her back.

That is when I wonder if I miss you or if I miss who I was when we were friends. Then I realize it is both.

I wish you could answer these questions for me. But I fear that only way for us to ever truly move on and be friends again is to relive our past. And if that goes badly I don't know if I can come back again. Do you know of another way? Is that what you want? Do you want to be my friend again? Is that why you apologized to me? Did you think that it would be easy? Or simple? Can you answer any of my questions better than I can? I wish you could.

Only More Confused Now

Dani

Day #18 The Person I Wish I Could Be

Dear Me,

You are so kind and respectful of everyone. You never feel anger or hatred towards anyone. I love that you are able to see people for who they are and accept them unconditionally. I love that you never react with violence or anger but always with kindness. You bring out the best in people. I am not sure how you do it.

And you always do it while looking your best. You are always your best no matter what. You never have a day when you are too angry and sad to deal with people in the way that they should be dealt with. You never take things out on people who don't deserve it. You are never tired or lonely or feeling particularly anti-social. You always seem to be exactly where you should be.

You never get tired of your family. You never feel angry at your mother for constantly nagging you, or at your father for not showing any real interest in anything you do at school. You never feel hurt that your grandmother can be so old fashioned and set in her ways or frustrated by your step-father's many ways of not seeing the larger picture. You always stand up for your step-mom and your dad when your mom or others are trash talking them. And you always recognize the ways that your mother tries to manipulate you and manage to navigate them without feeling guilty.

You also manage to keep yourself and your apartment clean. You are more healthy now than you have been in ages. You eat right, go to the gym regularly and take care of yourself. All while making everyone else feel that they come first. How you manage to do all of this and get your school work done is a completely mystery to me.

You also never neglect your own personal writing or the books you want to read. You still manage to find time for persuing your own interests. Often I feel like there must be 10 of you or maybe you just no longer sleep. However, you are doing it. Please keep on.

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Wishes She Were You

Day # 17 Someone From My Childhood

Dear Coty,

If there was ever one relationship in my life that has never changed, ever, it would be my friendship with you. Our interests growing up included, the Titanic, acting, Harry Potter, writing, traveling and the outdoors. In some ways these have changed but we are still best friends. Better than that we are best cousins!

I wish that we had had our chance to go to school together. I think we would have had a lot of fun doing plays together and traveling. But in many ways I am glad that we didn't. In this way it is only natural that we should have different friends and some differing interests. It means that we got to grow up together without feeling like we grew apart.

And we haven't grown apart. Whenever we hang out we are able to pick up our friendship exactly where we left off. The old jokes and stories are still just as funny. We still need to compare notes on people we both know. We still find the same books, movies and plays interesting. Although, I am not nearly as interested in broadway show tunes as you are, I can see why you like them so much.

It seems though that I have always been destined to go the way of the artist or the starving teacher and you to go towards science. We both want to help people but you want to be financial stable. No one can blame you. No one can blame you for going to school out of state either. I wish I had had the courage and ability to do so. I am extremely jealous of the places you have been. But i am glad that you allow me to live vicariously through you a little bit.

I hope that we stay friends for the rest of our lives. You were my first confidant and still are the person I tell most everything to.

Lots of Love

Dani

Where Bullies Come From

‎"Dear America, when you tell gay Americans that they can't serve their country openly or marry the person that they love, you're telling that to kids too. So don't be shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torturing young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they're different. They learned it ...from watching you."

~Sarah Silverman~

Day #16 Someone That Isn't in My State or Country

Dear Justy (yes, Justy deal with it, I am not calling you Justin),

How is Florida? You were the only person I could think that I know who lives in another state. Thus why I am writing this letter to you. That and you were a pretty awesome cousin. We weren't nearly as close as Coty and I were growing up but I like to think that you and I are still friends.

I hope you know that I am proud of you. I am proud of you for finding someone you really care about and being willing to go anywhere to be with them. I am proud of you for knowing that maybe college wasn't for you and making the choice to do something harder, enter the work force. I am proud of you for leaving the state. It was really brave of you to stroke out on your own like that and try to live somewhere new and foreign to you. I hope you know that all of your family is proud of you too. You have some guts.

I don't know that I will ever live somewhere other than Maine. I genuinely like it here. I like the snow and the summers. I like the water. I like the woods especially. They always seem so dark and foreboding until you really get to know them. In some ways, Maine still feels wildly untamed. Maybe though, I could go stay for a little while in some other place. Montana maybe. Or maybe I could try a big city. I do know that even if I don't live somewhere else, I want to travel. I want visit as many states as I can. Maybe some day I will come visit you in Florida. You make it sound amazing from everything you post on Facebook.

Anyway, this letter is for you, Jutsty. I just wanted to say that I am proud of you for being brave enough to try something new.

Hugs and maybe some love (just kidding, definitely some love)

Dani

Day #15 The Person I Miss the Most

Dear Dad,

Yeah, I miss you. And it is really all my fault. I went to school in Farmington, 2 hours away from you and an hour from mom. I took a job in Augusta, making it even easier to see mom more than I see you. I never try to visit on weekends any more. I just go to work, do homework and spend time with Garret. I see you on holidays and rarely in between. We don't really talk. I am not good with phones and neither are you. You are no good with Facebook despite having one and so there is not much communication there. I no longer have TV and even if I did I work every Sunday that the football games are on. Otherwise I am sure we would be texting back and forth about the game every Sunday.

I miss Patriots football, peanut butter brownies, bon fires, four-wheelers, hiking in the woods, trail clearing, working on the car, watching tv and movies together and chess games.

Plain and simple. I miss you, dad and it is all my fault.

Love You to the Moon and Back Again

Dani

Day #14 Someone I Have Drifted Away From

Dear Becky,

Did you know it was going to be your name in that first line? In second grade and onward we were best friends. But sometime between when I moved to Chelsea to now we drifted apart. I am not sure if it was the distance or if it was your breaking off your friendship with Nikki that caused the rift but I do know that it is there. Maybe we have just grown up and apart. Maybe we just want different things in life. Maybe I am just too focused to remember old acquaintances anymore. I'm not really sure.

You are getting married. To a man that I have never even met. We always used to introduce our boys to each other. We used to size each other's boys up and give each other feedback. I don't think you have met Garret and I know that I have not met your fiance. I am not sure that I have the right to be an important person for him to meet anymore. I haven't really talked to you since you texted me to say that you two were engaged. And that was random. I don't even remember if you told me you were dating him.

Maybe then it is the communication between us that has caused the rift. But I feel like it is deeper than that. I didn't like that you stuck up for your boyfriend over your friend, Nikki. I don't care what he said. She said he came at her and she is your best friend. Friends before boys. If you hadn't picked him over her then maybe you two would still be friends. Maybe she and I would still be friends.

Maybe I am wrong to think that you made the wrong call. I have certainly drifted away from Nikki too. I think that she is way too dramatic for me. And I don't really want to deal with her. Maybe that was how you felt about her too. Maybe you just caught on before I did.

Maybe the whole distance between us is all my fault. I am trying to create a life for myself. Something new and as different as possible from the life I had in Orland. Maybe that I am pushing all the little reminders of my first hometown out of my brain. Maybe it is that I don't want reminders of what I once was hanging around too much. Maybe I just am trying too hard to bury the past.

Maybe I am over thinking this. All I know for sure is that we aren't the same people anymore. And I am not sure that we are best friends any more.

Your Friend,

Dani

Hope

“Hope will never be silent.”

~Harvey Milk~

Failure

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live
so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which
case, you fail by default.”

~J. K. Rowling~
Harvard Commencement Address, 2008

Love and Judging

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

~Mother Teresa~

Day #13 Someone I WIsh Could Forgive Me

Dear Heather,

I remember when we first met. Freshman college prep English I with Mrs. Bourget. That was probably the most boring class ever. It was the first day and I didn't have any friends and the teacher told us we should get into groups of 3. I turned to you and Tori Mann because you two were the closest and we got into a group. I remember you being surprised I knew your name until I admitted I read it on your bag. Back then I was bold because I had nothing to lose. I had no friends and I figured that things couldn't get much worse. It was lucky for me that I met you.

We have been through a lot together. You were there for me whenever I let you in. Sometimes, a lot. Sometimes, like when all the stuff with Isaac happened, it wasn't until later that I realized that I should have let you in. I went to Chizzle Wizzle every year to see you. I loved watching you dance. We ate ice cream and watched bad movies in my room when you and Joe McCarthy were breaking up. I hated him for you. I still hate him for you.

I think that is what you are doing now for me. Hating a boy for me. Except I love him. And I am still with him. He really does make me happy. I wish you could forgive him. I wish you could forgive me.

I know you remember me as bold. I know you remember me as dancing until I want to drop dead, skinny dipping in my back yard, singing at the top of my lungs in the car, matching mood rings and bright green headbands (because what the heck, I can wear anything right?) but I don't think you see me as stay at home and cuddle in front of the tv. I don't think you see me playing scrabble and making lame jokes out of the little brown tiles.

I think you hate him because you hate me. I think you hate me because I am not the same bold girl I once was. You and I caused so much trouble and spurred each other ever on to new trouble. But now, I think I feel safe to you. I think you hate me because I'm not the bold you remember. I haven't been bold in a long time. Not like I was freshman year in English class. Not since Isaac.

I think you knew I wasn't as bold after that. But I think you thought that college would make me bold again. I wish you could forgive me for not being that girl.

I know you have never said any of this. But I can feel the distance between us. You say you feel uncomfortable around Garret because you feel like he judges you for drinking. I think you feel uncomfortable around me because I don't and you do. I am not that bold and you are. We have always before been equally bold. We have always been trouble together.

Forgive me for not being trouble. I miss you, my wild child.

Love,
Dani

Day #12 The Person I Hate the Most

I hate you. There, I said it. I think I have used every other phrase that I could think of in order to describe my feelings towards you. But lets be honest. I simply hate you. I hate the way you look. I hate the way you smell. I hate the way you walk. I hate the music you listen to. I hate the food you eat. I hate the clothes you wear. I hate the way you talk. I hate the sound of your voice. I hate the things you say. I especially hate the things that you say. I hate the way you gesture with your hands to say that my words are unimportant. I hate the way that everything has to be done on your time and no one else's. I hate that I am always wrong and you are always right. I hate that condescending way you look at me. And I hate the way you make me want to crawl inside a dark hole and die. I hate that you made me feel like shit. I hate that everyone around me said you didn't know you did it. I hate that the friends I saw regularly at the time liked you. I hate that they defended you, over and over again. I hate that they encouraged me to keep my mouth shut. Yes, it was for my own good but I regret the many opportunities I had to say, "Go to hell you god damn fucking slut."

Most of all though, I hate that I thought, at first, that I was just jealous of your relationship with my boyfriend. I thought I just didn't like the way you were all chatty and funny and giggly with him but not with me. I thought I just hated the way you liked to pretend I wasn't in the room. Or the way you were silent when I was there. I thought I just hated that you got to spend time with him, going to see comedians and movies while I was at work. I thought I hated that I couldn't do those things too because I was always in class or at work.

I hated that you flirted with my boyfriend right in front of me and he passed it off as friendship. Truth is, you only put up with me because Garret wanted me around. If you could have gotten rid of me, you would have in a heart beat. And many times you did. I hated that I kept trying to be your friend, thinking that it was me with the problem and not you. Guess what, bitch, I win.

He is still mine.

Keep your dirty hands off of him.

Dani

I Did Manage to Have a Dream Though...

I dreamed I was the daughter of a farmer. The farmer loved me very much and so was afraid that I would one day leave him. So he built an alarm system over the one drawbridge that led away from our farm and to freedom. Just across the drawbridge there was another farm. On that farm lived an Italian family that just recently moved there to start their own farm. This family had a son. A very handsome son who I would sometimes see working in the fields from my window and day dream about. One day very early in the morning my father realized that he had too many crops this year to be able to harvest them all on his own so invited he farmer and his son from across the drawbridge to come and help him. In exchange he would help them with their crops when the time came. Everyone agreed this was a good idea so that morning the three men returned to my farm and began harvesting the crops. Around noon that day, I went to take my father his lunch like I always did. He enjoyed eating his lunch outside under the sun when he was harvesting so he could get back to work as soon as possible. That was when I first met the boy from across the drawbridge. My father saw that we both liked each other and approved. Here was the boy who would not take his precious daughter away to somewhere, where he could never see her again.

Oh, how wrong he was.

I quickly fell in love with the boy and shortly after became ill. The doctors discovered small tumors in my brain. They removed them, they were cancer. They couldn't be sure they had gotten it all or that the cancer wouldn't come back. As soon as I was strong enough I ran away.

My Italian farm boy and I ran away together to Italy. Our first day there was amazing. We got ourselves a hotel room and then spent the day walking the streets, talking to street vendors and soaking in the sun. We visited ancient buildings and museums. We stayed outside all day. The sun set and the stars came out only to find us still walking the street of Venice. Finally we went home.

Go Do Homework!

I do not want to do my homework and I am using this to stall. I just did ton of cleaning and I really want to veg. I keep mentally kicking myself to get up but I'm not moving. Rawr...

A Small Break in the Challenge

I think I have been subconciously putting the next entry in the 30 day challenge off. It is about the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain. I feel like I have talked a lot about that person on this blog a lot and I don't know that I am ready to dredge up memories yet. No worries though. I will finish out the challenge. I just need some time to collect my thoughts and decide how I want this letter to go.

Impossible Dreams

Dreams always feel the most impossible the closer we come to achieving them.

Day #11 A Deceased Person I Wish I Could Talk to

Dear Uncle Robin,

You probably hate that I call you that but I'm sorry, to me you will always be my Uncle Robin. I think about you a lot even though I only had a short time with you. You had a big impact on both me and my mom. In many ways you taught us both what it means to truly accept someone for who they are even when who they are is a little different from everyone else. I think you played a big part in helping my mom and I realize that the world needs to respect people a little more and judge them a lot less.

I think you would be very proud of me for the person that I have become. In fact, I know you would be. I know you would be proud to say that the little girl who used to make you water all of her grandmother's flowers with her teeny tiny watering can has become a bright young woman capable of changing the world. You are part of the reason that i want to be a teacher. I want to teach the future generations what you and my mom taught me.

Ignorance is not bliss. It breeds hatred and violence where there should be respect and understanding. The more we know of each other, the more we understand, the less we are afraid and the closer we can get to being a world that is safe for everyone to live in. Maybe some day people will understand you the way mom and I do.

I think you would also be proud to know that while I am working hard at school so that I can teach the next generation what it is to truly be respectful, I also work outside of school to make it a reality. My opinions on the issue are known and felt everywhere I go. I try to be the kind of person that is accepting of all people no matter what.

The day I voted No on 1 I walked home and cried as I thought about you and how proud you would be. Were you alive today you would deserve to live in a world where your love is respected,valued and understood for what it is, love. Plain and simple. I expect that somewhere in heaven you smiled down on me that day for doing the right thing.

Love,

Dani

Emerson's Religion

"The stationariness of religion; the assumption that the age of inspiration is past, that the Bible is closed; the fear of degrading the character of Jesus by representing him as a man; indicate with sufficient clearness the falsehood of our theology. It is the office of a true teacher to show us that God is, not was; that He speaketh, not spake. The true Christianity--a faith like Christ's in the infinitude of men--is lost. None believeth in the soul of man, but in some man or person old and departed."

~An Address by Ralph Waldo Emerson~

Day # 10 Someone I Do't Talk to as Much as I Would Like to

Dear Jewels,

I am sorry. There is really no excuse for it. I feel like I have probably failed a little as a friend. But then again, I guess you have to. We were so close in high school. Then we went to college and since then our lives have kind of drifted apart. I wish that we had both managed to keep in touch more. I have just been so busy to keeping the relationships with my family and the friends I am making here going, with school, with living on my own and with work that I forgot that the relationship I had with you is of equal importance. Sometimes I see you post something on Facebook and I think to leave you message to get in touch but neither of us ever follows through. I should have. There have been some major changes in your life since I left and I should have been a better friend to in keeping track with how you were doing.

I wish we could talk. But neither us are very good at keeping in touch apparently. Maybe someday we will hang out again. Maybe some day we will run across the street yelling at each other about being careful not to get run over. Maybe some day I will see you, you will run up and grab my boobs like you always do and we will laugh at the joke like we did in the years past. Maybe some day you will hug me again and call me cutie-bootie.

I hope you know that even though we don't talk I still consider you a close friend. I hope you know that there are many days when I think of you and I miss you. I will never find another Jewels.

Love Always,
Your Friend,

Dani (Cutie-bootie)

Day # 9 Someone I Wish I Could Meet

Dear Grampa Terrill,

You died June 16th, 1989. I was born June 25th, 1989. It seems cruel the way life felt the need to take a life before I could enter this world. It seems cruel that I never got to meet the man that had such a huge impact on my family's life. My mom always tells me about you more than anyone else. She told me about when her and dad were dating, how you would answer the phone and tell her dad was out with some little blond thing. She told me that if you were alive you would have spoiled me rotten. She told me about the day, standing in the kitchen looking at my very pregnant mom you declared that I was not going to be a boy and that I wasn't going to come early. You were right. I wonder how you knew. I wonder what made you so sure. It seems like you just knew me even before I was born. I wish I had gotten the chance to know you.

Mimi misses you, you know. I know she does. She doesn't talk about you much but every now then she does. One day a few years back she accidently called Brandon you. mom says Mimi is different since you died. She says you used to do all the shopping because Mimi was so afraid of driving and the grocery store. She isn't afraid anymore. Gradually she has come out. She still hates the big bridge and the highway but she will drive them when she has to. For a long time she went and did whatever she pleased. I think she liked being able to do that. I don't think it made up for her loneliness though. For many years all of us grandchildren took turns staying the night, one every weekend. I know she liked having us around. We liked being with her too. Now that we are older we no longer do that. Mimi married again. It was 8 years ago now on Valentine's Day. I think Raymond helps with the loneliness. I think she is happier now.

In some ways I know that your dying was good. I know that it made dad realize how short life is and I think it made him want to be a really good father to his kids from the beginning because he wouldn't be able to make up for it later. I think it made Mimi come out of her shell and be a stronger, more confident person. But it didn't help me. For a long time it was just another way that men leave women. it was just another reason to hate men and not want them around. It was another reason to be single. I realize now that you didn't leave us. I realize that you were taken from us. I know you had no choice. I hope you loved us as much as we love you. I hope you are watching us somewhere in heaven and are happy for us, proud of us even for finding a way to carry on without you. For making the most of what is left of life.

I still wish I knew you.

Love,

Dani

Leaving

Day # 8 My Favorite Internet Friend

Dear Mel,

I know we are friends in real life as well as online but you are the friend I interact the most with online. It's funny, whenever I post something on Facebook I wait to see if you, my mom or my grandmother will be the first to respond. It seems you keep close tabs on my life. I like having a friend who cares enough to stalk me. It is nice to know that if I ever need a friend all I have to do is send you a text or a quick message on Facebook.

You and I have been through quite a bit together in the short 4 years that we have known each other. Break ups, make ups, family feuds, moves in and out of town, school drama, friend drama, money drama, and never quite knowing if we would come out on top of it all. You have never failed to be there for me. And I hope that I have never failed to be there for you too.

It seems like it was just yesterday that I met you and only a few days ago that we were sharing a room together in the dorms. The time has certainly flown by with you as my friend. We have had a lot of fun together. watermelon, King Arthur, farting, apples to apples, skip-bo, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and of course swapping books and our own writing. I love reading your writing and editing. I also love sharing my stuff with you. You are an amazing writer and I like having you there as a sound board to bounce things off of.

There have also been times when we have irritated each other. Times when i have been excruciatingly stubborn and times when you have done exactly what I told you not to do only to get yourself into the trouble I specifically warned you about. We are both the kind of people that have to do things our way first. We are both the kind of people who only take advice when you truly want it. I am glad that that has never stood in the way of our friendship. I am glad that when the other is doing something a bit dumb we don't rub it in their faces. We just kind of say, well, lets try and get you out of this mess. It isn't about who is right or who is wrong. It is about being ourselves and loving the other person for being themselves. Our friendship is good because we have know each other's strengths, what makes us each wonderful as well as our weaknesses and faults.

True friends like you don't come around everyday and I hope you know that I value you for that, for being a true friend to me.

Love,
Your Always Friend,

Dani

Religion

My true religion, my simple faith is in love and compassion. There is no need for complicated philosophy, doctrine, or dogma. Our own heart, our own mind, is the temple. The doctrine is compassion. Love for others.

~Dalai Lama~

In Love

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

~Dr. Seuss.~

Day # 7 My Ex-Boyfriend

Dear Ryan,

I am really glad that you and I are sort of friends now. When we parted I was certain we would be. Mostly because I was angry. I wasn't even all that angry with you really for dumping me, over aim I might add.I was more angry cause I had known that we had been over for 4 months. I had just not wanted to admit it. We had returned to school and despite my frequent tries to see you, you were always busy. I should have known what that I meant. But I didn't. Probably because when I did see you, everything was the same as it always was. You were trying to push me just a little farther and I was not letting you. I wasn't in love with you.

I didn't tell you tat at the time. I mean, I did love you. You had been my best friend since first grade. We had ridden the bus everyday together before I moved. I just wasn't in love with you. I couldn't be. I was still trying to run away.

I was angry with myself after we were over because I hadn't loved you and I knew it but I let you use me and I used you a little back. I needed you. Not in the physical way you wanted me too though. I needed you to make me think I felt safe again and that everything was god again. That everything in my life was normal again. I was a wreck after Isaac. And I didn't realize how bad it was. I realize it now though. I guess the cliche, "hind sight is 20/20" is dead on.

I can't say that I am sorry for how things worked out though. I think we have both realized that we are better as friends. I like that. Thanks for being my friend.

Your Friend,

Dani

Day # 6 To a Stranger

(I missed a day, I know. I had to work yesterday and unfortunately they are doing this thing where they close an hour later this week so I didn't get home till late and then I had homework. I think I have been doing pretty good though.)

Dear Stranger,

I don't know you and you don't know me. That is made clear by the term stranger. But I would like to think that when you see me you see a fellow human being. One with a past filled with rich experiences, experiences that you may or may not be able to relate to. But experiences altogether different than yours. I hope that you can respect these differences. I wish you could respect me because I am human. Because I live and breathe and love in much the same way that you do.

I hope that you can respect other people who are even more different from you than I am. I doubt it though. See, that is what is missing in the world. Respect and understanding for others who are different than ourselves. I wish it was different.

I have met you dear stranger. It was last year, right before the big state elections. Everyone here was hyped up about question 1. Should we be the first state in the union to actually vote for gay marriage or would we be like many other states who have shot the idea down? You were against. I was for. You were handing out fliers. I was respectful of you and your opinion even though I didn't agree. I took the handout, thanked you for your opinion and then threw it away when you weren't looking. I had already made my decision. I would respect the gay communities right to the pursuit of happiness. I would vote for gay marriage.

Maybe your experiences were different from mine. I had been raised knowing that gay people are the same as you and me. They just love a little bit differently.

Respectful yours,

Dani

Day #5 My Dreams

Dear Dreams,

Thanks for keeping me company all these years. You have been a constant friend. When I have been down and afraid I won't make it through you have pushed me forward. I think it is important for people to have a dream. Something they are passionate about to work towards. It keeps them going and makes there life worth something. I just wish you didn't seem so elusive.

When I was little I first wanted to be a doctor, a ballerina, a lawyer, or a veterinarian. I wanted to go to Harvard, I wanted to cure cancer, I wanted to wow and amaze. As I got older my dreams got to be less far fetched. I knew I didn't really like science. I knew I liked math and was good at it but I wouldn't want to spend every day doing it. I knew I loved English. I think that is how most dreams begin. We start to realize that they will only last and sustain us if we find something we truly love. Books were like breathing for me. I decided to be an English teacher. It was a long road to deciding what kind of teacher I wanted to be, who I wanted to teach and what exactly I would teach but I have it figured out now. I managed to cling to this dream and it gets closer and closer every day to becoming my reality.

It has been a hard journey for us, me and my dreams, though. We have had to learn what it means to really work hard. To really be exhausted. To really not see the end of the ever stacking list of problems in front of us. There have been so many roadblocks along the way but there have been even more helping hands.

This letter though isn't about the road blocks or the helping hands. This letter is in homage to my dreams. This letter is a thank you for keeping me strong. This letter is to say I can make my dreams come true.

"Reach for the moon because even if you miss you will land among the stars"

Dani

Day #4 My Siblings

Dear Nick, Jamie and Jason,

My 3 little brothers. Well, Nick isn't so little anymore and it won't be long now till I can't call Jamie and Jason little either. You are all growing up so quickly.

Nick,
I love you. I am so proud of you. I am so happy for you. I can't believe that you are finally out on your own making your own way in life. I can't believe that you have your own apartment and are in college already. I remember when I was the one driving you around everywhere and now you are the one driving me around! Well sometimes anyway. I miss you a lot. It is hard not to miss my partner in crime. We have always been very close. And before I went off to college we did just about everything together. It is hard to no longer have a friend around who I can hang out with all the time. I hope that you continue to do well in school and at work. I hope all of your dreams will come true for you.

Jamie,
I love you. I can't believe how much you have grown. I remember holding you in my arms right after you were born. I remember helping feed you, watch you and change you. I remember when you finally learned to get up the stairs you would crawl up them and sneak into my room to wake me up. I remember when my room moved downstairs that it became even easier for you to wake me up. I remember when you started school. You are so smart, and such a good kid Jamie. I hope that continues as you get older. I hope that you take advantage of that to really make something of yourself. I hope you know that no matter what happens we will always be proud of you.

Jason,
I love you. You are only 3 so it will probably be a long time before you read this, if you ever do. And probably an even longer time before you understand it. That time won't feel that long for you. I can't believe that you are already 3 years old and will be 4 in March. That isn't all that far away now. I remember when you were born too. I remember holding you and looking at your little toes. I fed and baby sat you and changed you too. You are so silly now. You are so much more active and playful. I hope that doesn't get you in trouble in school, but it probably will. When it does, just remember that there is nothing wrong with being you. No matter who tells you otherwise. You are a very sweet boy when you want to be and I know you have a good heart. That is what really matters.

I Love You Three to the Moon and Back Again

Dani

Day #3 My Parents

Dear Mom, Dad, Kelly and David,

This is going to be a long letter. How does a person go about writing a letter to their 4 parents?? Well, here we go.

Mom,
I love you very much. I want to thank you for showing me how to save money and spend wisely. For teaching me how to make my own way in the world. For showing me the value of a good book and a good education. Thank you for showing me the outlet that keeps me sane, writing. Thank you for teaching my that hate comes from ignorance and teaching me to not be ignorant. Thank you for showing me what it means to be a truly compassionate person. I am not really sure who I would be if you weren't my mom.

Dad,
I love you very much. I hope you know that. I am sorry that I don't see you as often as I would like too. Please know that I think of you often in the little things that I do. I can't make peanut butter brownies without thinking of the many times you and I made them together late at night. Thank you for being the type of dad who lets me have my own life. Thank you for showing me the value of hard work. Thank you for understanding how important my independence is and for allowing me to have it.

Kelly,
I love you very much. I am sorry I was such a brat when I was little. Thank you for understanding that I was simply hurt, angry and confused by all the changes that were going on in my life when you first came into it. Thank you for giving me time to get used to the idea of having you around. Thanks for not trying to be another mom to me but rather an adult friend who I could confide in and look up to. Thanks for understanding that was what I needed. I appreciate all that you have done for me. The shopping trips, the late night sleepovers with my friends you supervised, doing my hair and later my make-up, taking my senior pictures, just being there for me and so much more. I am glad that you now have two kids that are really your own to make you want to pull your hair out. They are both beautiful and I could not love them more if they were my full brothers. Thanks for bring them into my life.

David,
I love you very much. You are the only man that has ever come into my mom's life that has made her truly happy and for that more than anything else I will always be eternally grateful to you. I am so happy that you are there with her especially now that her babies have grown up and gone their separate ways. I know she will appreciate the company. I can think of no one better to be my step-dad. Thank you for taking care of me like I was your own daughter. Thank you for all the advice and for all the car repairs. I do take it all very seriously even if I don't always do as you tell me to. I know that I should. Please know that even though you were the last parent to come into my life that does not mean that I love you any less. There is always room in my life and in my heart for you too.

The 4 of you almost never get along. It seems to me that you spend most of your time fighting despite the fact you live so far apart and despite the fact that you all want the same thing; what is best for Nick and me. I love you all despite your differences. You have all helped to shape the person that I am. I hope you know that I would not be me without every single one of you in my life. I hope that when you fight, you remember that.

Love You All to the Moon and Back Again

Dani

Day #2 My Crush

Dear Crush,

I have liked you for a very long time. Close to 4 years. I can still remember the day I met you. It was probably the most awkward situation that I had been in in a long time. You were my exes best friend (or so he told me repeatedly) and you and I shared all the same friends but we had never really talked before. I had no idea what kind of preconceived notions about me you might have or if you and I would get along. I remember that first conversation. I remember laughing till there were tears. I knew that at the very least, you were someone I could have fun with.

I remember passing notes, then talking on aim and then that spiraling into emails back and forth. I don't remember the exact day that I realized I had feelings for you but I do remember the day I realized it could happen if I wasn't careful. we had spent all night talking online about risks. What risks we should take, was it ever really worth it take any risks at all and if it was then when. we talked about the idea that there could be no happiness, no triumph without the possibility of failure. I don't think I had ever had a more deep, personal and meaningful philosophical discussion in my life. At least not with any one that I could hold my end with. not with any one that could keep up with me. Our intellects were well matched. I went to bed smiling that night, imagining the conversations we could have in the future. I knew a boy that could make me smile that much just by talking to me about life was someone I could fall in love with.

Sometimes my descent into complete helpless love for seems like it was a slow fall. But it certainly snuck up on me as a surprise. By the time we had known each other for 2 months I was already making excuses to friends and family about why you and I were just friends. Maybe I really knew all along and I was just hiding it from myself. I'm not really sure.

What I do know for sure though is that know, even after being with you for almost 4 years I am still hopelessly and madly in love with you. I have fallen for you utterly and completely.


Love Always
Dani

Day # 1 My Best Friend

Dear Alice,

Yeah, after all this time you are still my best friend. We don't talk as much as I would like and we see each other maybe a few times a year but for some reason that doesn't matter. Whenever we get back together we pick up right where we left off. We can still finish each other's thoughts. we an still make each other laugh until we cry. And we can still talk all day and night long without being bored. Most important though is that there have been no times in our lives when we haven't been there for each other. Ever since 8th grade at Chelsea school we have been friends. We have supported and loved each other. Even when we didn't agree or like the choices the other was making.

You were there at the football game when I first realized something was wrong with my relationship with Isaac. And I was there when your last boyfriend was showing all the signs of being a jerk. I am here now too. I wish I could tell you that I worry about you and why.

I worry because you dropped out of school. I know it was expensive and you couldn't afford vet school. There had to be some way you could have continued going though. I worry because of Jeremy. I know you trust him but I don't. He has proven in every past relationship that he can't be trusted and that makes me worry about you, about your heart. I worry about your future. I hope you will not be stuck working at AC More and place like it your whole life. I want you to fulfill your dream of being a vet. I know it seems unrealistic but it only becomes more unrealistic the more you put off working towards it. I want you to be with a boy that gives you no reason to worry, who takes away all of your worries. I want you to have a job you love, a man you love and a life you love.

You seem to be so angry and frustrated when we talk. I wish you could see that the stupid girls, and their drama would go away if you let the cause of the drama go. Jeremy is the reason all that drama is in your life. I know you can do better. I know you deserve better. I wish he could be the man you think he can be but I just don't see it. And the proof is in front of your eyes. It is why those girls lurk around waiting for you two to end so they can sweep in.

I love you Alice Casey. You are my best friend. I hope someday you find everything you are looking for.

Love,
Dani

30 Day Challenge

Alright, so because I haven't been good about keeping this updated about my life I am going to try this writing exercise. I have to write a letter, one a day for 30 days. The letters are to the people below. Hopefully this goes ok. Wish me luck!

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you've drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that's not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I Didn't Sleep Well

I didn't sleep very well last night or the night before. Its strange how my body seems to know when he is and isn't there. One more night of restless sleep and then he will be home.

(The rollover text for the comic is "Sweet unintersecting dreams!)

Made Me Smile

Tough girls come from Georgia, Sweet girls come from Alabama. But We Maine girls have fire & ice in our blood. We can ride four wheelers, be a princess, throw left hooks and drink with the boys..and if we have an opinion, you know you're gonna hear it!! Repost if you are a true Maine girl!

The Good Things in Life

Facebook and blogger seem to be filled with lists of all the good things in people's lives. I am obviously not the only person who has been focused on the bad in life. I think now that I have gotten some good news I am finally ready for a change in perspective, too see all the good things too.

1) It went away. Whatever was wrong with my body that caused me to have to go to the doctor's so much last month is gone. It made me miserable but my body fought it off and now it is gone. I am lucky it is gone even if I had to go back to the doctors and make calls for so long. There are other people not as lucky as me.

2) I have a job. I may complain about Staples a lot because some of the people who shop there are mean but I have a job and not just a job. I have a job where there are people who care about my health and safety. Where people know I always do my best so when I start needing help they are more than willing to give me that help.

3) I have an apartment and it is all my own. I only have to share it with the people I want to share it with.

4) I have an amazing boyfriend. I don't think I could ever tell him enough how thankful I am to have him around.

5) I have the best kitty ever. She is sweet and gentle.

6) I have a really good family. Sometimes they annoy me they care about me so much.

7) I love my school. I love the University of Maine in Farmington. I love the professors, most of the people in those classes, I love what I am learning, I love the atmosphere of the campus. I could easily imagine myself living here in a more permanent way at some point in my life.

8) Not only do I love the school but I also love the town. I love that even though there is a Walmart and a Hannaford here it still manages to feel very small town to me. I love how safe it feels here and how nice everyone is. I love the sights and sounds.

9) I have food. There are a lot of people in the world who are struggling while I have plenty. I am thankful to be able to feed and clothe myself.

10) I found this amazing series of books to read to keep me occupied this summer. I am thankful to not feel as bored, lonely and depressed as last summer.

11) Steve. I am realizing more and more lately how much he really is like family. I owe him a lot.

12) Mel. Not only has reading kept me occupied this summer but so has Mel. It is good to have a real friend near by to talk to and hang out with. Pretty sure I would have gone crazy without her.

13) I am very thankful to have health insurance even if it is a pain in my butt more often than not. I would not be able to pay for all the medical bills I have probably racked up otherwise.

14) Barnes and Nobel online discounts and sales for helping me find deals on my books. You gotta celebrate the little things sometimes.

15) the ability to read and write. They are my escapes from everything and without them I would not be me.

So Happy

Good News?

After everything that has been happening with my body the past few weeks I think I have some good news. I went to see the OB/GYN today. First, he took a look with one of those scope things they stick inside of you. That hurts. Then he did an ultra sound with this big rod thing that they put right inside your vagina so they can see everything. Everything looked normal and nothing hurt. Then he did an exam to see if it hurt to move my cervix and it didn't. At all. He said everything looked normal and gave me a clean bill of health. He said it is possible there was something there but it is gone now. He thinks that I may have had a sist on one of my overaies and that it has dissolved away now. If I have any more pain though, I am to call and make another appointment. I think this is good news. I think this means everything is ok. I think I have nothing to worry about in that area anymore. I think now all I need to worry about is my stomach. After everything that has been going on this feels kind of anti-climatic.

Complaining

Does anyone other than Garret actually read this thing? I feel like if they do then they must be very disappointed that it is a lot of me whining about being sick. I suppose that is natural since this is an outlet for my mind and my writing and the being sick thing is kind of a big thing right now but my God. It just seems like I have yet to find a way out of my own head and worries. I am still in that mode where I just want to grab someone and shake them and yell at them, "Hey, My stomach hurts and I have a crappy doctor who has failed to do anything about for almost two months now. Want to trade places?"

Passion

From, "Daphne with Her Thighs in Bark"

the opposite of passion
is not virtue
but routine.


~Eavan Boland~

What do I do?

So my stomach hurts, a lot. My doctor only has me on the Amoxicilin and Omeprazole and not the other anibiotic last time because it made me sick the last time I took it. Not sure then if this will work to get rid of the H Pylori or not. Not sure what to do. I feel like this whole medical help thing has been very badly done. Mean while I am losing hours at work, making my family, friends and co-workers worry and feeling like crap all around. Not to mention my original problems seem to be getting worse. I am so confused now that I don't know what to do. Do I wait till next week to see the doctor I am scheduled to see? Do I go to the emergency room and demand help now? Do i call my doctor's office up and yell at them? I wish I knew what was best for me and my body. I keep trying to do the right thing so that I get better but nothing seems to help. No matter how much I sleep or how much I try to eat right my stomach still hurts, my doctors still treat me without testing me, they still put me off and they still don't call when they say they will, I keep making appointments and calling them, I keep being honest and actively trying to get help. I got nothing. I just don't know what to do anymore and no one seems to have answers. And of course, the more no one can answer me the more I wonder if something could be seriously wrong. I have been seeing doctors since the beginning of July and August will be over before I know it. I have been having symptoms since June. Something has got to change.

Wish me Luck

I probably have H Pylori again. I don't know for sure though because my doctor said she can't test me for it. So there will be drugs waiting for me to pick up at Rite Aid shortly to treat me for H Pylori. I hate that. Good news is my ultra sound came back normal so at least my body isn't so messed up that the doctors are becoming worried about what they have seen. I have a visit with a gyno in Livermore Falls on the 18th still. I just have to hold on till then. I will probably be feeling very sick for at least the next 4 or 5 days so expect emo posts from till then if there are any at all. The antibiotics they gave me last time made me miserable so I am expecting it to be no better this time.

Change

God please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference!!!

-Stolen from Wendy's Facebook Status

Take That

I woke up at 8 this morning because I was told that I would be getting a call between 8 and 9 today about scheduling an ultra sound. I was not called. AT 10 am I called my doctor's office. They at first told me they knew nothing about scheduling me an ultra sound. Then I told them that a gentleman had taken my name and phone number just yesterday and told me I would be getting a call between 8 and 9 today. They looked at my paperwork again. I then found out they had scheduled my ultra sound. It was just not for today. It was for Friday at 8:30 am. When I was supposed to be at work. I then had to call out of work. My boss was more than happy to just give me the day off cause my bosses are amazing. Then I called the ob/gyn office to see if they had ever scheduled an appointment for me. They had. For August 30th. I was pissed. I have been seeing doctor after doctor and trying to get this taken care of soon because I have had this since June and now it is August and they won't even look at me till the end of the month. There was no fucking way I was going to wait that long. I immediately got out the phone book for Farmington and started looking for ob/gyns. Good news. I found one in Livermore Falls not more than 20 minutes from where I live who can see me the 18th. That is a hell of a lot sooner than the 30th. Bad news. He is a man. But at this point I don't think I care. More good news, the insurance company called and I can see a gyno no problem and they will cover it. They don't even have to pre-approve me. And the gyno in Livermore Falls takes my insurance. I then called the ob/gyn in Augusta and cancelled for the 30th. Then I called my doctor's office and told them I had decided I needed to see someone before the 30th and I had already made an appointment for the 18th to see a doctor in Livermore Falls, I then gave them the doctor's name and fax number and asked them to fax my stuff over to him. Then I called work and asked for the 18th off.

Finally I feel like I am in control of my life at least a little bit. I am not letting these doctor's push me around anymore. I am sick and tired of it. They are crazy if they think I am going to let them put me off, forget to call me, make appointments I can't make for me, not test me or treat me for shit I don't have anymore. I also think that after the school year starts up I will no longer be seeing Dr. Eckert or Sheepscot Valley. I think I will never go back there again. I will go to the Health Center on campus where they get stuff done while I am in school, I will go to the hospital here in Farmington if I need anything and when I move again I will be finding a new doctor near where I live who I like and who doesn't give me this kind of run around. And they can eat shit.

What it Feels Like

Sometimes I just look at him and it hits me. At some point in my life I stopped wanting any man but him, and I am perfectly ok with that because he is everything I could ever want.

Even when he is being dumb, he is being dumb for the right reasons.

No, we don't always agree, and we often seen things differently, but that just makes the world a whole lot more interesting.

I know I could survive without him in my life because it is who I am. But I don't want to have to.

I Hate Doctors

I think the title says it all really. I hate doctors. Here is my list of why;

1) I hate being sick. It messes up all o your plans and makes you feel utterly helpless.
2) I hate waiting rooms. I try to arrive places early so that I don't have to wait and so I will be respectful of other people's time. Doctor's are never respectful of anyone's time. Just today I spent 30 minutes in the waiting room before they even took me into the exam room.
3) They treat you for stuff before they test you. They just hand out drugs and say if it works great, if not then come back. it wastes my time and money. They could just get it right the first time and save me a lot of hassle.
4) They always seem to make you more sick before you get better. The treatment is almost not worth the being better part.
5) They ask where it hurts and then they poke you there to see how much it hurts and if it actually hurts. It hurts doc, please stop poking me?!?!
6) They always assume the worst of people. They treat you and test you for things you can't possibly have. They could save time if they just believed that I wasn't lying.
7) They always say they will call you but they never do. They just forget until you call them.
8) They are always busy so you can never get an appointment when you need one. It is always a week later.

9) The number 1 reason why I hate doctors is because right now I am sick. The problems just see to keep piling up and none of them have any answers. I am tired of the run around and the bullshit. I just want to be healthy again so I can get back to my life. I just want some one to make all the pain go away. I am tired and I feel old having to see the doctor so often. I am starting to feel like they just are trying to suck me dry. Or at least the insurance company dry. I hate this calling them, calling the insurance company, calling the doctors I get referred to, and waiting on them all to call me back. They never do. And then I end up wasting time and money and feeling worse cause I am stressing about it all.

I hate doctors.

One Step Closer

At the end of today I will be yet another step closer to my degree. I am going to get my fingerprints taken.

Steps Completed So Far
1) Enrolled in Farmington
2) Taken Practicum
3) Taken and passed the Praxis I
4) Taken and passed the Praxis II
5) Only 2 education classes and student teaching left
6) Turned in my 5 application packets required to get a student teaching placement
7) Registered for fingerprinting

Steps Left to Be Completed
1) Get a background check.
2) Get a student teaching position.
3) Student teach.
4) Graduate.

Everything Going on in my Brain

I never go anywhere or do anything. People invite me to stuff all the time but I always say no. People ask me to hang out and I try to make time for everyone but in the end I often have to say no. I hate that. I hate feeling like I am missing out on my life. Like I am missing out on a lot of things I would normally do. A lot of fun things. It is always work, or I am too tired, or I have school, or a number of other reasons.

I hurt. Everywhere. I hate being in pain but I find myself in pain a lot lately. I hate it. My knees hurt. My back hurts. My stomach hurts. I take so much ibuprofen and tylenol and midol that Garret makes fun of me. Says they are just placebos and that I take them like they are candy. He would too if he hurt like this.

All that pain and missing out on my life makes me feel old. Worn down, worn out and useless. Like life has already used me up and spit me out when I haven't even really gotten to live yet. I feel like asking, "Is this it? Is this all life has to offer me?"

I want to be kissed and touched and held and cuddled. I want to cry and cry and cry. I want to scream. I want to throw things. I want to hit things. I want to hit me. I want to hit others.

I want to stop going to work. I want to not go back to school in the fall. I want to spend the next year traveling. My friends are all embarking on new times in their lives and I am being left behind. They are getting married, having kids, starting school, graduating from school, traveling to foreign countries, moving on, moving out and moving up, getting new jobs, being promoted and just plain doing something with themselves. I have all these dreams that are just falling away.

And its you. It is all you. I ache with the need to either make you stay or make you go. I ache with the need to make you love me or make you hate me. I hate this waiting for us to fall apart. That is what I have been doing. Yeah, you said this was what you wanted but I don't believe you. You can't prove that to me. Just leave me. Please just leave me and go to grad school. Just go. Please, just go.

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I have made the right choices. Sometimes I wonder if I am accomplishing everything I have wanted to accomplish. Sometimes I wonder if life could be better.

Life could be a hell of a lot worse.

Of that I am always sure. I could have no friends. I have amazing friends. Steve, Mel, Lindsey, Heather, Jenna, Alice.

I could have a terrible boyfriend. I have the sweetest boyfriend, Garret.

I could have a horrid family. I have a family that loves me and cares about me. I have a family that pushes me o succeed even when it means they don't see or hear from me as much as they would like to.

I could be jobless. I could not be in school. I love school. And even when I complain about my job I know I could be without one. I know I could be much poorer and I could work with worse people or not have one at all.

I must have done something right to have all this right in my life. So why do I wonder about everything else?

I have wanted to travel my whole life. I wonder what is holding me back? Is it really not having the time or the resources or is it something else?

I have wanted to keep acting. I loved everything about the stage. The fear, the nerves, the adrenaline. The way it just takes and takes from you until you don't think you can give it anymore and then you perform and it is all so perfect and it seems like it was all worth it. Did I really give t up for a few more hours at Staples, a bigger paycheck and more time to do my homework?

I love writing. I love crafting and being in the middle of somewhere else and feeling that heady power of something being created out of nothing but my own thoughts and feelings. Why haven't I done more to make sure my writing is read? Why haven't I put it out there more? Why haven't I been writing as much? Is it a dry spell? Inspiration just not coming?

I haven't got much time left here at school. I know that. I feel like I have put these things of till I am out of school because I have some idea in the back of my head that I will magically have more time when I only have one job and not two. I know I will get done with school, work at staples for a little while until i start my new job and then I will poor all of my energy into that job. I will tell myself that I will have time when summer comes around. But I won't. I will probably get a summer job to support myself while school is out or take summer classes to keep up my certification.

So what exactly am I waiting for?